Closing that Chapter

It's obviously been a long time since I posted anything and even longer since I posted regularly. I got busy, ran out of things to say and, for a long time, couldn't publish things I needed/wanted to say.  I am sure no one actually comes to this little space of the internet anymore but I wanted to provide a little closure to this journal that I started 6 years ago. 

As of two days ago, I am officially unemployed.  Backtracking, I went out on maternity leave one year ago, a few weeks before my third baby was born.  I was almost positive at the time that I would not be returning but I wanted to keep doors open in case I changed my mind.  My sweet baby boy was born on May 10th, we closed escrow on our first house May 30th, moved a few days later and I began my stint as a stay-at-home-mom.  I was, of course, paid through September and then permitted to continue my leave of absence unpaid after that.  Surprisingly, I did actually vacillate a bit about whether to return to work and I even applied (half-heartedly) to a job at a smaller law firm (which turned out to have been filled prior to my application). 

Ultimately, I knew I could not be happy if I returned to my old job.  I feel really lucky to be able to stay home right now.  My biggest fear was that I was completely foreclosing the possibility of working as a lawyer later in life if I left the working world for a year or two.  And maybe I have done just that.  But I am realizing that I just don't care.  So far, things have worked out just fine even when I didn't follow the plan prescribed by others (or even myself).  Who am I to say that things won't just work out down the road.  And how do I even know at this point in my life what "working out" will mean in 5 years?  I obviously wasn't happy at the firm, so why was I so worried that I might never do that again?

The community we moved to is THE BEST place to have a young family and the quality of our life has been 1000% better than when I was working.  For the first time in ... maybe forever ... I sleep enough at night, I work out every day (and have never felt better), I cook all our meals and we eat dinner as a family, and I have time to do things for myself.  I actually have tons of adult interaction and it's fun time for me, not time that I should be billing.  I no longer miss preschool events or soccer practices or meeting my kids' new friends.  My husband's work-life balance has been so much easier because he no longer has to worry about daycare drop offs.  I feel more connected with my kids and I'm happier as a mom, as a wife and as a person.  And after reading the above, it probably isn't shocking that I don't miss working as a lawyer AT ALL.

Basically, I am happy. I am less stressed.  Life is good.  As for being a lawyer, I am not ready to hang that hat up quite yet.  I probably would still be working today if I had already made a move to a less stressful work environment and I still may try to do that some day.  I also have been talking to friends about potentially starting a business or getting into a new practice, like estate planning.  I may try to do some contract work soon to tap into my legal brain and make a little money on the side.  But none of that feels urgently necessary. 

My whole life has been all about trying to get that next gold star and do whatever people have told me is good and admirable.  Once I became a mom, I started hearing another voice telling me that maybe it's ok to just do what feels right and makes me happy.  Turning 30 last year felt like a good time to start living the life that seemed good at this very moment.  One year in to my experiment and I can't remember being this happy before.  When my kids are a little older or when I am even more removed from Big Law, I might want to step back into the working world.  But even if the only job I can get is working as a secretary, I don't think I'll regret taking this time to be home with my kids.  It practically breaks my heart that my littlest is turning 1 in two weeks.  How is that possible?!

I doubt very much that I'll post again on this blog, but I do still read everyone else's blogs and I am forever thankful for what this little MILP community has done for me in my time as a law student, new mother and lawyer.

Things that have happened since my last post

* Our family of four traveled to and from NY/NJ twice.  We spent the week around Christmas with PJO's family.  Our Christmas baby turned four this year, so we celebrated his birthday Christmas morning in Manhattan.  It involved driving in the snow to midtown after Christmas Eve dinner at my sister-in-law's house, immense excitement from both kids at the prospect of spending the night at a fancy hotel, waking up to a few presents on Christmas morning, getting hot chocolate and going to Rockefeller Center (with a million other people...next time, we'll try ice skating at Bryant Park), and treating Timmy to a special brunch before heading back to PJO's parents' house for Christmas festivities with his extended family.   If we have to be away from home on Christmas (and not be able to follow all of the traditions I would like to establish for our little family), then this was pretty near perfect.  I am glad that next Christmas we're staying home though.  Our second trip was last week.  One of PJO's best friends from college got married and PJO was in the wedding.  It was a 4-day Hindu / Jewish celebration and, while not massive on the scale of most Indian weddings, it was a pretty big event from our perspective.  The kids stayed back with PJO's parents so we had nearly 48 hours child-free at what was essentially a college reunion.  We got to dress up in traditional Indian garb for the Hindu ceremony and wear fancy formal attire for the Jewish ceremony.  The food was AMAZING at all of the various receptions/parties.  It was a lot to travel cross-country twice in the winter in a 4 week span, and I'm glad we're done with traveling for a while (except our quick trip to Seattle in two weeks).

* I had my 20-week ultrasound and managed to stay strong and not beg the tech to tell me if it's a boy or girl.  We'll find out in about 3.5 months and I'm so excited for the surprise.  That's about the only part of my due date that I'm really anxious for because I am in no way ready for the upheaval a newborn will cause in our lives.  Timmy only refers to the baby as his baby brother.  When I remind him that there is a possibility it could be a sister, he says "No, I already have a baby sister.  I think this one will be a baby brother."  Up until this week, I would have said Ellie has no idea that a baby is even coming, but then on Tuesday, she started randomly picking out "I'm a Big Brother" from Timmy's bookshelf to read before bed and she has been extra clingy to me, so I think she has at least a sense of it.  I am not sure if it's because we decided early on to not find out, but I haven't had a strong feeling one way or the other about what the sex of the baby is.  With both Timmy and Ellie, I KNEW from the second I found out I was pregnant and was right both times.  Occasionally, I have an inkling with this pregnancy, but I go back and forth.

* I closed out the billable year with a few very busy weeks in December but managed to take off basically after the 20th.  I also managed to make my hours and get my first bonus since I started working.  At my firm, you are considered a "stub" associate for the first few months you work (until the new calendar year) and aren't eligible for a bonus.  At the end of my first full year, I was on maternity leave and also hadn't made my hours (it was SO slow most of that year), so I didn't get a bonus then.  So ... I should be excited.  A bonus is better than no bonus.  But I would be more excited if every single penny of it weren't going to pay about half of what we'll owe in taxes.  Ugh.

* We celebrated the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013.  My friend hosted a very low-key, game night celebration at her house.  I indulged in way too many hors d'oeuvres and de-alcoholized champagne (which was absolutely delicious, I will need to buy some for my 30th birthday in April).  It was a total of 5 couples, 3 of which were pregnant and 1 had a 4 month old, so it was small and decidedly not rowdy.  We played Wits and Wagers and Taboo and stayed until just before midnight so we could watch the ball drop at home on TV.  My resolutions this year, which I have basically been making good on so far, were to make time for exercise and pay for lunch no more than twice a week (sadly, a huge improvement budgetary-wise from my norm).

* I joined a gym.  I hadn't had a gym membership since law school.  I joined the big, fancy, elitist gym with my corporate discount through work (PJO is also a member through his work), and I have to say, I am loving it.  Even when I'm not pregnant, I am not a gym rat and I think of a treadmill as a kind of torture device.  But this gym offers the most amazing selection of classes.  The yoga teachers are all phenomenal and teach at Yoga Works.  The salt water pool is heated to the perfect temperature and is outdoor but partially covered and always empty (and they offer a masters swim class a few mornings and evenings per week!).  They offer zumba and spin and barre and all sorts of fun classes (that I probably won't try while I'm pregnant).  Of course, my favorite part is that the locker room is basically a spa bathroom, so I can get ready for work there without bringing much of anything.  They have high quality products that I would never, ever pay for on my own.  Even with the discount, it's a ridiculous expense to pay for a GYM, but to me, it's an indulgence that is well worth it while we can afford it.  And considering I've actually been working out, I am looking at it as an investment in my health (or at least a reward for working in BigLaw).  The membership is month to month, so I'll probably cancel it when the baby comes and that will be a sad day.

* I threw a garden party themed baby shower for my best friend from law school.  It was so much fun to plan it and host.  Everyone keeps telling me I should be a party planner, but I'm pretty sure I would hate almost any client that has to hire a party planner.  So the search for my next career continues.

* I signed up for a knitting 101 class.  Have been wanting to for a while and I'm really looking forward to it (it's on Saturday morning).  I love sewing and wish I had more time for crafting.  I have high hopes that I'll actually find time to knit once in a while since it doesn't involve lugging a bunch of heavy equipment and messy supplies out of the upstairs closet.

Things that have not happened:
We have made zero progress on deciding what to do with regard to moving, jobs or anything related to those two things.  If anything, we both feel more confused than ever about whether we can leave California.  The insane real estate market and our enormous tax bill make us desperate to get out quick, but then our trips to below-freezing weather where we couldn't find ANY good produce, even at Whole Foods, had us questioning whether maybe we should just stay and resign ourselves to a dual-demanding-career lifestyle.  I personally go back and forth daily on whether I want to always work full-time, stay home for a couple of years or scale back dramatically and find a part-time job (any part-time job) until I feel up to working more.  And PJO, well...he tends to think about the present and not as much about the future.  And if we were divided up on the camps from Modern Family, he would be a dreamer and I would be a realist.  So I think in his mind, we can maintain status quo for a few years and then his business that he's going to start would be making millions of dollars and we could afford the lifestyle we want here.  Meanwhile, I am thinking there is no way that I can survive at my job longer than another year and I'd really like to settle down somewhere before Timmy starts kindergarten in 2014.  So this year should be the year we make a move if we are going to, right?  So yeah, no progress on that front.

Hopefully it won't be another two months before I post again.

First Steps

Flights were ridiculously cheap this week (are those usually part of Cyber Monday sales?) so we booked a flight to visit our friends that moved to Seattle.  These are the friends we visited back in March  and hanging out with them is always such a treat.  Not only have we known them since college, our kids are almost the exact same ages and we all get along fabulously.  This is the first flight I can think of where we have traveled for the sole purpose of visiting friends (and not gone to a wedding or reunion or something else of that nature).  It feels really grown up.

 

But I guess the sole purpose isn't just to visit friends.  As I've mentioned once or twice (or a bajillion times), we have talked pretty seriously about moving out of California in order to live somewhere with a lower cost of living.  Almost anywhere we go would be cheaper than where we are now (at least judging by my preliminary research and online house hunting).  PJO plans to begin job searching early next year and at this point, the net will be cast far and wide.  We also have started planning trips to the cities that are at the top of our list to try and get a sense of whether we can see our family being happy there.

 

I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, or if it just seems like a bigger deal to me coming from southern California, but the weather is probably the biggest worry I have for any place we're considering.  The temperature here ranges from mid 50s to mid 80s and is almost always sunny.  We never deal with winter coats and my kids play outside probably 350 days a year.  No matter where we go from here, we will deal with either extreme heat, extreme cold, or lots of rain.  I swore seasonal affective disorder was a thing when I lived in New York City, but it also could have just been a New York City thing.  And I have no idea what to do with kids when the weather sucks...how will we all handle it?

 

Whenever I start doubting whether we would actually be able to enjoy living somewhere because of the weather, I catch myself and feel crazy because there are tons of people who live in each of these places that love it and if they can be happy in that city, why couldn't we?

 

I liked living in New York most of the time (but definitely tired of the big city lifestyle while working) and loved living in Madrid when I studied abroad in college, but other than those 5.5 years, I've lived in southern California my whole life.

 

I think ultimately, if we can have the change in lifestyle we're hoping for, that will outweigh any bad weather we have to put up with.  But tell me if you think I'm being naive. There are obviously other things that are important to us in a city (especially great schools, walkability, access to big city amenities (major airport, museums, shopping, restaurants) and lots of things to do and see).

 

We are heading back to New Jersey for Christmas in a few weeks, then again at the end of January for a wedding.  Our trip to Seattle is over President's day weekend in February.  I am thinking we have time for one other trip in March before I should stay put because of my May due date.  Where should we go?

Pregnant

Big news.  Baby #3 is on his or her way.  I'm due in May and we are excited (and simultaneously asking ourselves what have we done?).  We have told family but not yet the world. 

 

Can I just acknowledge that this pregnancy is kicking my ass?  My first was a walk in the park.  My second was incredibly easy but I felt it a bit more.  This time, I thought I might die.  Exhausted doesn't begin to cover it.  I felt like I had the flu for weeks on end.  I am starting to feel less nauseous and able to keep my eyes open after 8pm, so hopefully it will get easier.

 

Since we moved, I have a new OB and the new OB has super fancy, high tech ultrasound equipment.  I was asked last week whether I wanted to know the gender.  I paused for a moment at the irony because I would have killed for that opportunity so early on with each of my first two pregnancies.  This time, I said "No thank you.  We don't want to know" and the tech moved on to looking at the feet and arms.  I feel so fortunate to be carrying a healthy baby and I honestly will be equally happy with a boy or girl.  Besides the fact that knowing the gender won't make the slightest difference in how we prepare for this baby (because we won't really be preparing other than buying small diapers), I am excited to have PJO be the one to tell me boy or girl and to have that surprise to look forward to at delivery.

 

I'm pretty sure this will be our last so I'm trying to enjoy the pregnancy and the anticipation.  Relatively unsuccessfully so far.

God is Mormon

Back in June, a group of friends and I spent a few days exchanging emails and texts trying to coordinate dates, times and logistics so we could all go together to see the Book of Mormon when it came to Hollywood in the fall.   I have been looking forward to seeing this show since then.  Avenue Q was one of my favorite Broadway shows and I had heard equally great reviews about the Book of Mormon. We had tickets for the 6:30 show last night and planned to meet up with friends at a restaurant near the theater at 4:30.  My mom arrived to watch the kids at 3 and PJO and I set out shortly after 3:30.

 

We started talking about how we regretted buying my car (an American car) because we've had so many problems with it (mostly minor, all covered by warranty, but still annoying) and how we should have bought a foreign car because his Volkswagen hasn't had any problems in 4 years.  (NOTE TO SELF: don't ever tempt fate like that again).  Approximately 3 minutes later (when we were a grand total of 15 miles from home and still 30 miles from our destination), the check engine light flashed on and he felt like the engine was jerking.  We started pulling off the freeway and by the time we were on the off-ramp, the car was noticeably shaking and I could smell something burning.  By the time we were able to park in a shopping center parking lot, I saw thick, gray smoke coming out of the exhaust.

 

Fuck.  All I could think about was how I would be so bummed to miss this show (and forfeit our pricey tickets).  After unsuccessfully attempting to troubleshoot based on the owner's manual, we called Geico (which has roadside assistance).  We figured out where the nearest dealership was and arranged for the tow truck to take it there.  We found the only rental car company open on a Sunday evening and we were lucky enough to have a good friend come pick us up and take us there.  The first thing PJO said when our friend answered the phone was "I'm pretty sure God is Mormon.  Listen to this..." 

 

We missed dinner but managed to make it to the show only 10 minutes late and the theater still sat us right away (I guess they're used to rude Los Angelenos being late to everything).  The show was hilarious and the actors fabulous.  I think the songs were slightly less memorable than those from Avenue Q, but catchy nonetheless.

 

PJO talked to the dealership this morning and they said that now, his car wouldn't even start.  We still don't know what the problem is.  I'm guessing it's a classic case of shitisgoingtocostawholelotofmoneyandtakeaweektofix.  He also needs new tires.  I think I only want to lease cars in the future.

 

I'm really glad this happened when our kids weren't in the car and that it didn't blow up or stall out in the middle of the 12 lane freeway.  I'm also glad it didn't happen when I drive it to Arizona in two weeks for a friend's baby shower.  But I'm still a little peeved that it happened.  Not the best start to PJO's birthday week.

Bickering

To the extent we ever "make it work" with our two full-time careers and two kids, it's because PJO and I have different types of jobs which carry different kinds of demands on our time. PJO's job tends to be pretty regular, even if ridiculously strict on face-time. His group has received several emails from the boss saying you must be at work by 8am. If you show up at 8:01, please turn around and take a personal day. (I realize that there are probably lots of jobs out there where you have to punch a clock, but it still seems absurd to me). It's a rare day where he cannot leave work at 5:30pm. He doesn't really have flexibility to leave during the day or just work from home, but he also avoids work on the nights and weekends for the most part.

My job is obviously more "flexible" if I need it to be. No one knows or cares when I get in to the office, whether I leave in the middle of the day for a doctor's appointment, whether I'm working from home or whether I leave early. Unless I have a deal closing or some other assignment that really requires me to be in my office, the only thing that matters is that I put the hours in, and if that is at night, that's usually ok. So our "normal" routine (which seems to happen almost never), is that we wake up when Timmy storms into our room at 5:45 or 6. PJO is always ready first so he goes downstairs with Timmy to get breakfast. I head downstairs by 6:45 or so and get Ellie some breakfast. PJO leaves the house around 7:30 and I try my best to gather everything we need to get to daycare and wrangle the kids into the car by 7:45. They can be difficult in the morning. If I leave the house at 7:45, I'll drop them off at daycare and get to the office by 8:45. PJO usually leaves to pick up the kids and I usually try to meet them when they get home around 6 so that we can eat dinner together and do bath and bedtime. Both kids have been fed, bathed, and put to bed by 7:15 or 7:30. Then the goal is that we clean up from dinner, clean out lunch boxes and pack up lunches for the next day.

Lately, PJO's job has required MUCH MORE of his time than 8-5:30. He has been getting in early, staying late, working from home and working weekends. In the beginning of October, this was ostensibly for a huge project that would basically determine his year-end bonus and was supposed to be finished by October 19th. Then it got pushed and now won't be done until November 9th. Meanwhile, I've been really busy at work and, because I've had to increase my share of pick-ups and drop-offs, have had to stay up really late at home to finish my work. I am really sleep deprived and cranky. Last weekend, PJO had to go to NYC for a bachelor party. He was only gone Friday night through Sunday afternoon, but I couldn't get any work done during this time. I had expected to be able to head in to the office early Monday and really hunker down and get stuff done. Until PJO got a text from his boss Sunday night telling him to be in by 7am Monday. "Can't you just say no?" I demanded. "I need to go do work. Why does your job automatically trump mine?" I stormed upstairs to quiet down the baby who PJO didn't seem to hear.

I just want to cry and scream "it's not fair!" PJO gets annoyed when he is the only one making lunches for the next day, and I'm annoyed if he watches TV and waits for me to be done with work until he starts. I feel like he should be doing more of the drop-offs and pick-ups because school is much more out of the way for me than him. When I complain about not being able to get something done, he tells me to wake up earlier. Getting 5 hours or less of sleep on a regular basis is not an option that I want to seriously consider.

I hate that we are bickering with each other when we should be acting like a team. It also doesn't help that our kids are often the first ones dropped off and the last ones picked up at their school. Even though Timmy really likes his school and seems genuinely happy there, he asks me all the time if he can please stay home today. We clearly need to make some sort of change. This is not the busiest I have ever been at work by a long shot and we can definitely get by day to day. But there is a constant level of stress that seems much higher than ever before. It's more like a dull, painful headache that just makes everything more difficult but doesn't stop you in your tracks. Maybe I just notice it more now that I'm fed up with this lifestyle and am determined to change it. Either way, I am slightly terrified at how busy our department is predicting work will be for year-end. Some quality time with my family over the holidays is just what I need. I really hope I get that.

The Second Child

Yesterday was October 19th, which means it's been one month since Ellie turned one. In a classic case of "poor second child" syndrome, I haven't written a post (aka updated her baby book) in many, many months. I did manage to throw her a birthday party and schedule one year pictures to be taken though, so at least something will mark her transition from babyhood to toddlerhood. She really is the happiest, funniest, easiest baby I've ever encountered so I want to make sure to create a good record of how she is now lest she become a difficult toddler or preschooler. Ellie has been a dream pretty much since she came home. She slept for long stretches right away and since 5 months, I can count on one hand the number of times she's woken up in the middle of the night. She sleeps much longer than Timmy does every night, usually 12 or 13 hours. She eats pretty much whatever we give her, she is content to be held, on the floor, in a stroller or in the car. She doesn't have a strict schedule (or any schedule really). She is used to just going with the flow and it takes a lot to make her cranky. She flirts with everyone, EVERYONE, everywhere we go. A coy smile, a cheesy grin, a belly laugh. She stops at nothing to get strangers to pay attention. People constantly come up to us and tell me that she is a beautiful baby and the happiest they've ever seen. She is a social butterfly and especially loves her brother. The pecking order in our house is usually #1 Timmy, #2 Me and #3 Daddy. Occasionally she switches it up. But I think in her eyes, Timmy can do no wrong. She laughs at everything he does, tolerates (and even seems to like) his overly-enthusiastic love squeezes. She goes wherever he may be in the house and wants to play with him. She usually wants his toys, so he started putting them out of reach on counters and tabletops. She quickly learned that she could get them by standing on her tippy toes or climbing on things. She makes us laugh all the time. Peek-a-boo and funny faces/noises are her go-tos to make us laugh. She also will put random things on her head or turn a pencil into a mustache and then show off until we crack up laughing. She is different from Timmy in so many ways. All he ever wanted to do was read books and she wants very little to do with them at all. And it wasn't until he was well over three that I could convince him to try putting on his own clothes/shoes. For the past four or five months, Ellie has sat on the floor trying with all the baby concentration and coordination she can muster to put on shoes and hats and hair clips. It's adorable...someday I'll post a video of it. She is even more stubborn than Timmy, which I didn't know was possible. Feisty too. I can think of at least three times already where Timmy (who by the way, is almost FOUR) has complained about Ellie hurting him (usually biting or tearing something away from him and scratching in the process). Meanwhile, the pediatrician asked us at her check up actually asked us if she seems to feel pain. Because by all appearances, she doesn't 95% of the time. We took away the bottle after we had weaned her off of formula and even though she drinks water from anything, she refuses to drink milk now that it's in a sippy cup. I dread taking away her pacifier at bedtime. She is a snuggle-fiend. Whenever we pick her up, she immediately puts her head in the crook of your neck and starts patting your back. It melts me every time. She is more cautious than I originally gave her credit for. After months of cruising, she started taking lots of steps right around a year. She would look like a little baby Frankenstein, walking across the room but she did it without falling. A month later, she still prefers to crawl although she is walking more and more. She always picks the "boy" toys to play with while Timmy is always stealing her "girl" toys. I love that. Down with gender stereotypes! She dances and "sings." She is really aggressive in trying to pet the cats. She signs the hell out of the "more" but I don't think she's learned any others yet. She says Mama and Dadda and a few other fake words but not much else. She has two little bottom teeth (that came in at 11 months) and two top teeth with a little gap in between that cut through on her birthday. She still has blondish hair and blueish eyes. I think she still looks like a female version of Timmy. She is tall and fairly chunky. Both PJO and I were nervous about having a daughter. He was terrified of having a teenage daughter and I was terrified of having a spoiled, drama-loving, princess-obsessed little girl. She has converted us and I love having a little girl. She makes me feel like the best mom in the world even on my worst days and I can't imagine a more perfect daughter for me. Happy Birthday to our sweet girl!