Leslie J.B.

Have you ever written a love letter to yourself? Seems odd right? Yes, I know.

Who on earth would imagine doing such thing? It doesn’t make sense. If one does exist, that would be the strangest thing I ever heard. But then, I won’t discount the fact that it may happen.

I have never written one to myself but to do so would be interesting.

If I ever write a love letter to myself, how would I write? I think this is what I write:

Dearest me,

The day seems pale. The air is arid, devoid of the freshness of your smile. Even the flowers do not dance as usual, mourning even the absence of your shadow. And my heart is hollow, emptied even of the slightest feeling. How I long for you.

You are so near, and yet you seem so far away. You are drifting further away until the thin air swallows you from the bright shiny refreshing sun.

Forgive me for not appreciating you. Forgive me for neglecting you. And most of all, forgive me for not loving you as you deserved.

If you were to smile again, if you were here again, if you were to fill my heart again, the air will be fragrant, the day will be cheerful and even the flowers would waltz in their finest graceful dance, celebrating love.

Oh dearest me, please come back and love me again.

Faithfully Yours,
Me             

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Another ordinary day went by. It seems that days like this are aplenty. Nothing extraordinary happened, a day waiting to be forgotten, lost in the stream of memories.

Run, I want to run. But where? The world around me looks plain, plain like the pale hot sunny sky.

Just when I was about to forget today, a pinch at my thought brought me to a memory. A memory which I have long been unaware of, buried deep in the ocean of my mind. A Memory of you.

Yes, I have forgotten thee. And it scared me to my bones if I ever erase you from my mind.

Though I’ve never met you, you were part of my world. Life has given you so short a time, short enough to keep us apart.

Yes, you, now abiding in a world where rays of light shine eternally.

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Name… What is a Name? A word to identify something? Or something by which we call and recognize someone?

No matter what, name is something which we will always try to remember especially something or someone important especially someone dear and very near to our heart. I always felt embarrassed when I saw someone I recognized but forgotten their name. I will feel doubly embarrassed if that person knows my name.

There is a saying which goes like this, “It is better to see the face than to hear the name.” To some extent, this is alright. But to me, the name and the face are equally important for a name without a face like longing for light in the dark. A face without a name is just the same as smelling a rose without its fragrance.

So, what’s in a name? By a name, I know you. By your face, I may fall in love with you. A name and a face: words beyond telling.

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Today, as usual, I went round the blogging world. In my cousin’s blog, he uploaded a link from Sabahan.net. This is a link that broadcast a lot of KadazanDusun songs from Sabah.

I am very grateful for this link (credits to my cousin Willie). While listening to the radio broadcast, it reminded me of early mornings during my days at home in Kionsom, Inanam, Sabah. KadazanDusun songs would fill the air. I missed those days.

Now, the longing is a bit alleviated by this link. Home seems closer than before. But of course, nothing beat the real stuff. It would have been better if I were listening this at home in Sabah. But circumstances have it that I am to be where I am now because of commitment.

Wherever we may be, nothing can beat what our home can offer. But that doesn’t mean we have to be attached to our home as one day we will set our foot abroad, leading our own life. And “home” is what we have to build for ourselves. But the nostalgia and memory of our childhood home, where we came from, is something valuable to cherish.

I have a little taste of home today and perhaps for the days to come.

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What happened on the eve of creation? For those who are familiar with the Book of Genesis (in the Christian Bible) will know the story of creation. But happened before is interesting think about if not speculative.

For people who are always creating something (work, arts, writings etc) will know the hard work and planning prior to the presentation of fruit of their labour. If the planning was good enough, a good result will surely follow.

We have no information from the bible on what God did before God created the world. But there is one interesting point I want to offer. In The Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius, there is a contemplation where we are asked to contemplate on the Trinity looking down at the world. The world was full of sin and suffering and the Trinity decided that it is time for the second person (The Son) to come down to the world as a human being to save the human race. I always felt that this is a beautiful presentation God’s salvation.

Now, I am equally sure that on the eve of creation, the same Trinity is also looking down at the world. The world was still a formless void, and the Trinity decided that a beautiful world could be created where everything is created not only to beautify the world but to show the glory and goodness of God. And so God created the world and God saw that everything was good.

The previous paragraph is my wild imagination of what happened on the eve of creation. Sure, I am fully aware that I am opened to criticism but I am sure I am not wrong to offer this fruit of my imagining.

As I am writing this post for today, I am brought to the moment where I was about to create the posts for each day. Looking at how far I am at today, I am happy that I can still consistently produce one post each day.

It is not easy, but looking at what came about on the eve of creation and the fruit of my creation, it is suffice to say that, “I see everything is good, and I will continue writing.”

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Today, I did what I haven’t done in ages – shopping and then buying. The last time I shopped and actually bought something was 8th of April 2004.

When I was shopping just now, I felt very different. Last time, what I felt cheap now all seems expensive to me. Not because of the global monetary crisis, but because of a change in life status.

I used to buy whatever caught my attention, ussually food and books. Now, it is all about discretion. What I need versus what I like.

Sometimes, we tend to forget and appreciate things when we have the ability to own them. A sign of egoistic need to power. Lost of ability to own something (like buying) can really make us wake up and look at the reality of life. Even things (material things) are not to be own at our own will if it is not for us to own. Money can buy anything is not a slogan that fits all occasion.

A taste of honey is enough for us to know how sweet honey is. While the honey is there for us to taste, appreciate the sweetness, for who knows, all that we can do later is to reminisce the sweetness only in our memory and imagination.

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Where are you O yesterday? You have past and today has come, only to past again.

Today, we still carry with us the worries of yesterdays. They get accumulated as we live our daily life. As each day come, the worries of yesterdays are added to the sea of worries in our mind.

As we live our days, we bring along the sweet and bitter memories along. Not just that, unfinished works also follow us loyally. So, we move on in our life laden with thing that we prefer to do without.

Well, this is life. Who tells you that life is sweet all the way to tomorrow? When tomorrow come, it will also past and become today. And the new worries are added from yesterday. Tomorrow will always past and it only stays as long as there is still today. Today past by quickly before we can do things that we need to do. We will always lament why today has to past so quickly. If only today is a bit longer, the chores of today (and of yesterday) can be completed.

So, should tomorrow come?

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Rainbow has fascinated me since I was a child. When there was rainbow, me and my sibling would watch it and said many things like whether we can reach where the rainbow was.

Sometimes we would even point to the rainbow only to be told by my father that it was forbidden to point your finger at the rainbow. If we did, our finger would rot away. If we pointed our finger at the rainbow, the solution was to immerse our finger in hot water. These words were rooted in our mind and we would always be careful when there was any rainbow after a rain.

These are just some memorable childhood myths that build my world view as I grew up. There were many more and I can still remember some of them. Some of those that I can still remember clearly are stories about some kind of ghost, creature and animals stories by my late maternal grandmother. She told us the stories often. And even used the stories to frighten us not to go out when dusk came.

I don’t know whether these stories are passed on to my younger cousins or not. If not then it is really a pity that they don’t know some of the myths that have their own wisdom it in. If I were still with my younger cousins, I will surely pass on those stories to them, not for the wisdom, but perhaps for good time sake.

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I am here but am not present

We are here but are not present

Everyone is here but are not present 

Who, then, is present?

 Only silence…

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First of all, this is not about dreams that we have while sleeping at night. Dream here is about goal or purpose in life.

Every one of us must have some dream that we want to achieve in life. Some time ago, my dear friend wrote this, “Dream on while we can still dream.” Can a person stop dreaming for some purpose in life?

Frankly speaking, I have never encountered a person who has never had a dream in their life. What I always encountered were persons who could achieve their dreams because of difficulties in life.

For me, a dream is something that helps me in living my daily life. I have dreams and I realise that I will not be able to achieve most of them. Then you may ask, “What’s the point of having dreams?” My answer will be, “Why not?” Many achievements in life started from a dream. You can look for them in the internet or some literature on famous people. But I have to admit that even to dream is may not be an easy thing.

It is always OK to dream, but we should always put our feet on the ground. We have a life that we should live every day. A life that is sometime hard and cruel. In these situations, dream may be a luxury for some. Dream for these harsh situations may just be wishful thinking.

At this point let me just reiterate this: I love what my dear friend said, “Dream on while we can still dream.” May be, there will be a point in our life where even dream will be taken away from us. I dread for this day to happen. Life may just lose its beauty without dream. Life will be dry and it will be almost like death.

Yes, my dear friend, you are right. Let’s dream while we can still dream!

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