Leslie J.B.

A lot of things have happened, and a lot more to come. The strings of events sometime make people feel stifled.

How if this stifling moments begin to give us some undesired effect? A stifling environment is not a conducive environment to live sanely. If it is physical, then it is easier to overcome. But if we are emotionally stifled, I think there is only one thing we can hope for, someone close to pour out what is inside us. But not everyone is privileged enough to have that kind of person near them when they need one. So, what then?

As person of faith, I always turn to God. I do have my dear friend to turn to and my dear friend is close by, and I can tell my dear friend the very personal side of me. My dear friend is a blessing and I thank God for my dear friend.

We must hold a very basic disposition if we want to be able to turn to someone or God. We should be ready to tell our close ones or God what is inside us. We should tell them how we feel. Without this disposition, then it is hard for anything to happen.

We do not need to tell them everything, but we should be sincere in getting them to listen to us, and sincere in telling them what we feel.

There is time for everything! This saying is good because it teaches us not to worry over tons of work in front of us.

This saying has become a mere jargon, on that I used as an excuse for not doing anything at all. How bad is that? Well, it depends. I think everyone of us have a habit of procrastinating over anything. Sometime we feel that it’s not too urgent or perhaps we just don’t have the spirit to get it done.

What can we do? Well, the best I can say right now is, “There is time for everything!”

And we are back to square one!

One of the activities I enjoy most is watching television. Usually, I will start watching TV after 10 at night and I will go on until midnight. This is what I call my night partner. What do I watch?

Actually, I like to watch local channels, and usually the soap opera. I don’t know why but it has been like that for the past few years. Do I like watching movies? Yes but I have my preference. I will watch movies in the theatre but I will rarely watch it on a VCD. I will most probably be watching movies on the TV channels, be it on a cable TV or just on the local channels.

Well, I think people have their own preferences, likes and dislikes. I have mind too. It is one of the ways I am using to unwind my mind after some heavy activities.

I kind of like this routine and I will probably go on like this for quite some time in the future.

Nowadays, I found it quite hard to start to write something. This shouldn’t be happening, especially this moment.

First of all, I don’t think I am running out of idea on what to write. That should not be made an excuse. What I am facing right now is a lack of will to start thinking.

At the moment, I am supposed to do my writing assignment to graduate. This is no easy feat and yet here I am, stuck and staring into the wilderness most of the time.

It is only two days ago that I finished one of the writing which I had promised my dear friend to do it for him. And as I looked at it again, it didn’t take me long to finish it, although it was given to me a month ago. It was only due to my slack in attention which made it look like I took a long time to finish. And one more thing, I did it because I wanted to help and I never complained or regretted having promised my dear friend. I suppose from now on, I need to buck up a bit. Start writing and finish it in style if I can.

Well, I am only having a dry spell I suppose. I am sure that once I get in the mood, come day or night I will be sitting faithfully in front of my computer screen hitting those buttons.

I hope this is not mere wishful thinking!

Some time I just wish that time passes by quickly. But when I give it a second thought, I just whisked it away. If time were to pass by quickly, then the same thing should happen to my work. If time were to linger around gracefully, then the torment of having to concentrate on my work will be unbearable.

Well, I am only human. Nothing seems to satisfy this heart of mine. I feel I am doing things alone. I just wish that there would be someone around to help me. That someone doesn’t have to actually do things for me, but at least that someone can be a pillar of support. Someone I can rely on and can become a source of strength and consolation.

Well, someone like that is not easy to find. I will be very lucky if someone like that will come along, even if that someone only owns a small percentage of what I have described.

May be only an angel will fit the description. Yes, that’s what I need, an angel.

What if your life till this moment is only a dream? And the “real you” is actually sleeping and having a dream right now? And the “you” right now is nothing but an actor dreamed by the “real you” and “you” are in dream land?

The scene above actually is possible albeit the chances are very slim. But no matter how slim the chances are, there is still every possibility that the scenario is actually happening right?

By the way, this is really me or am I dreaming? Or perhaps you are the one who is dreaming?

If you are given the chance to go back in time and change one thing, what would that be? Indeed, it not that easy to choose.

Very often in life, to choose the best for us is not something that can be done swiftly. It need a lot of thought and often enough there will always the worry of making the wrong choice or perhaps what we will have chosen is not the best or not what we really need. The best in life may not be the most essential to us, and what is essential may not be the best. This is something that we need to learn to accept and swallow.  Ironic isn’t it?

I wish life can be simple and straightforward. But that is not the case. And this is a lifelong lesson we need to learn. Or perhaps it is an art we need to master. To live our lives, sometime we need to maneuver around, because life is not always about a straight journey ahead.

Well, who would think that to choose between what is best for us and what is most essential for us is so hard. There is nothing much we can do except to be grateful for whatever choices we have made.

There are days which passed by without any significant moment. Those were time when one tends to feel lost.

Sometime I feel anxious when I feel lost. Nothing seems to fall into places and I can feel disoriented. I will feel like pieces of me being pinched away bit by bit and the day will feel like forever. And lastly, there will be a hollow space in my heart.

What has kept me going is the belief that there is an invisible presence that is faithfully accompanying me in this troubled journey. Well, not all my weariness disappears into thin air, but at least there is this invisible force that is prodding me forward, softly but firmly.

I believe that days like this will never go on forever but on the other hand days like this will come now and then, just to keep me standing on my toes,  perhaps. Strangely, I am supposed to be grateful. Should I really? Perhaps the answer will come when days like this should appear again.

After a week or so in the peaceful land of Yogyakarta, now I am back to where I have been staying for the last three years, Jakarta.

THREE YEARS??!! Yep, three years. I also haven’t gone back home for three years. I am sure many things have happened since I last went back home. Did I ever regret making the decision to do what I am doing now? Well, it’s yes and no. Why? I’ll keep the answer to myself.

The coming academic session will be my last (I pray that it is). And I am writing my thesis (skripsi as it is known here).

Back from doing nothing but celebration and recreation (well, I did some reading also), now I am back to the reality that is awaiting me, a year full of hard work and perhaps tears and bloodshed.

Well, I do hope this will be a fruitful year for me. I have made one or two promises and at least one of them will be fulfilled within a few weeks time. But the others, I do sincere hope that I will be able to fulfill them as I am a man of my words (I sincere think so!).

So, pray for me and may God bless us all.

In every one’s heart, there is a longing. The problem is, not everyone will recognise this longing and this is unfortunate.

We may get all the attention from the world, but the crave for longing will never go away. You may call this longing by any names but once you say it, it still persists.

At times we may wonder when this longing will pass. We may call this longing to be our true love but no one knows for sure.

As for me, I will let this longing stay in my heart. I am sure this longing will bring me to somewhere the ultimate satisfaction dwells. I can’t say what it is, but I am sure once I am there, there is no need for any explanation. There, in that ultimate destination, the longing will embrace me and we will become one, my longing and me.

Will I ever reach there? Wish that comes true …