In my head

6:31pm: yes, i am finally updating
yeah i know i have written in this thing in....well many mnay months.I guess I have felt there was much worthwhile to share with you all.And even now, I am ususing this as reason to to finish cleaning my room,lol. I am finally graduating college in August, which is all around ridiculous, since i should have finished back in 2003.My room is freezing because i kind put my hand through my window while i was coughing a few weeks ago and havent emailed my landlady so i can replace it.Sorority is still sorority ( I hurt myslef during "the wind blows", nothing new). Sometimes I wonder if my mom , is right.. maybe i am too old to still be lingering about...that maybe by contiuing with sorority is an excuse to push back adulthood...but then she also thinks the eyebrow ring and tatt are for the same reason. And soroity make me happy. i dont have any near by family. I mean Ocean County isnt that far, but since i am working full time it might as well be Mars.I feel really adrift and EBX gives me somewhat of an anchor.But i also wonder if me sticking around isnt a bit egotistcal..like on i cant accpet that everyone would be just fine with out me...I am just sooo worried we are going to die...we keep getting smaller and smaller and it seems like no one rushes anyone...and I know that I cant do it anymore, im only on cmapus tuesday nights, but it doesnt make me feel less guilty, like some how i could be doing more...but then i get frustrated ecause eveyone has such great reasons for not doing what they are supposed to do. We had this huge discussion about whether or not two sister should be able to take littles, because according to the constition they didnt do what was required to be a sister.A lot of people got upset on both sides. Im glad that we decided to give them a shot, but on the other hand im angry at the two of them because the should have dont what they were supposed to do. i work a full time job. I pay all my bills, some weeks i dont eat dinner because i cant afford to, but i come when i say i will and i fufill my obligations. And we do have the constitution for a reason, but then we would be killing two lines. Its a Catch -22.I hate that other people dont take things a seriously as they should. and I ahte that no one was going ot walk away with out a bad tatse in their mouth , regardless of the desicion. Its very hard to be the person who has to point out when others are wrong, and people too often trun that person to be the bad guy. I had to live with a girl who wasnt allowed to finish her prosess. No one else has had to do that , but it was what was best for sorority, if not what was best for my own personal comfort. but i never blamed the people who made that desicion or even the girl that was such an asshole she called out president a whore with about 24 hours to go. Sometimes their is not good choice, just the least shitty choice.I hope everyone is well, and that people also rember that while we all have a right to our own opinions, we should try not to judge others for theirs.And on that note, i will get off my cyber soapbox.

9:21am: Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
Tis has been the craaaaaziest weekend of my whole freaking life..but in a wondeful, lots of stuff crammed in sort of great way.Friday night we went to a country line dancing place( bear with me, friday is their rock and roll night), to see this awsome cover band..I mean the sang "Brass Monkey", so they had me at funky.We went for Mayra's birthday and she, as was almost everyone besides me and Lori, was waaaaasted.But then Lori and
I, being the sober ones, got up on the speakers during "Big Butts" and some creepy cowboy put his junk in my grill, of which i was not a fan. He also tried to dance with me later, but my friend Eve's friend, Martin( who was quite hot, i think) played fake boyfirend. It was nice because i didnt ask, i guess he just saw my face..it wasnt even that he was a cowboy, its more that i dont like stange guys to dance with me( which is why i will never meet anyone at a bar).The the next day was homecoming...all the sisters we late except for me and Lianne(and i even drpped my roomate at the airport before i got there)So we went and bought all the stuff for our "carnival booth". We literally put it together ten minutes before the judging. needless to say we didnt win, but we had a lot of fun which is far more important.I got suuuuper drunk of of our sorority drink "Roo Juice".After the tailgating party ended, me, Denise,Lianne and Rich had to go Denises ouse keys, and on the way back decided we need some whiteys,which was soo good. And then on sunday i slept. Also through out the weekend i was lucky enough to recieve several drunk dials from chet, because as i say u only call the ones u love hwen u are drunk. And today is our soroity closed tea. We have several girls invited, but we have a lot of people up for littles..it could be a nice smooth day, but i have a feeling there will be, as always drama...updates soon on my new job....

2:21am: sinffles
I a sick, which seems to be a reoccuring thing.I slept untill five oclokc this evening, after going ot bed at ten. Of course I have been running yslef ragged by trying to hel with "rush". And now I am hopped up on cold meds. I have no voice which is completely frustrating. As someone who depends on her vocie to express her self its like being crippled. I couldnt sing at kareoke , whihc sucked a lot. But I did get to hang out with Shannon, Kim , Denise, Kyle, and Lianne, whihc was awsome. I really like y new job. My lead teacher Eve is fun and the kids, while a bit insane, are awsome.I really like the direction my life is going...now all i really need to be happy is a real bed and some new tires for the Jack-mobile. My dating rut continues, but I think I need this time..I cant imagine how it would be if I hads someone else to worry about. I have realized someting rather funny. I dont smoke ciggatrettes but i do like to smoke cloves ( which smell like cinamon when smoked. Cloves cost two dollars more a pack than ciggarettes because they are imported. This is funny because I am always about finding the best deal on anything, wheter it is my furniture taken out of the garbage or the fact that i wont buy clothes unless they are on sale.But i smoke seven doallrs cloves. just add the the paradox that is myself..

9:34pm:

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
birdfysh goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as vampire.
5:glasshour gives you 6 red-orange peach-flavoured nuggets.
gnatap611 tricks you! You get an old sock.
joeysjerseygirl tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
philosophygirl gives you 14 brown apple-flavoured gummy bats.
prncssinc gives you 12 light yellow grapefruit-flavoured pieces of taffy.
birdfysh ends up with 31 pieces of candy, and an old sock.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

9:20pm: smokey mcsmokerson

well this week has been all over the damn place..I was let go, on the same day i was offered a new job...i got in a mild argument about my age with a frat guy( he didnt belive i was 24, which frankly i often forget myself), And today i ran into a guyi used hang out with at school. Pete, who has waist length dreads, is possibly one of the hippest people i know, and as i was walking ino my barnes and nobles , who was standing in the bargain book section but he? I was so cool to see him..we caught eac other up, discused religion and po.litcs like the old days .Pete has always made me feel like i was more than myself some how.. his basic faith in my inteligence as alway forced me up to a higher standard than i suppose i would have for my self...why do i ave to look at myslef through oother peoples eyes in order to find postive aspects of myself? ithink that is someting i need to workon..my personal self value, the robyn gold standard should be set by myself. We had a long converstaion on cheating...apparently his girlfriend had emotionally cheated on  him, and we both agreed that emotionally cheating is the most damging kind..(i.e. securing a realtionship wiht some one new before the prevuous relationship is ended) because it devalues and disrespects your partener. Then we talked about ingmar bergman. Pete rules the day.

ps miss kristen -it wasnt a dream!!!muhahahahahahah

And now to bed- i have my first day of school tomorrow!!!!!!

3:52am: i want it all
I want sleeping in on sundays with someone...eating chinese food and fightinng over which movie to watch..someone to discuss politics with, someone who wants to know what my first real memory is, someone who understands that sometimes when i semll the ocena its like my whole body hurts for a time before i knew what hurt was, someone who tells me his biggest hope, someone who wants me to meet his best friend from high school, someone who challenges me and accepts me and compliments me, some who can mean everything to me and not use it against me, someone whom i can hold when he cries, laugh at his humor and smile at his wierd habits. someone whom i can sit ina room with while reading, not needing ot talk, just being happy we are their together. Someoe who could if needed to fight my battles, but steps back because he knows i need to to it myself. someone who can handle my family. someone who sees through all my bs, and still admires me.someone who can tell me i am beautiful and mean it , because he knows who i am, beyond the crunchy outerlayer. I want it all...and i dont want to settle..i refuse to be with someone simply because being alone is no fun. thats not fair to him or me. If i wanmted that i wouldnt be single right now. Maybe i am not thin or glamorous, but i am funny, smart, and sexy. and anyone who cant see that is not someone i want in my life anyway.if anyone id still reading at this point, thank you, because you either care or your find this ineresting either of which means you rule.:

3:41am: The Ocean at night
I have noticed that when ever my life is in disorder as it seems to be now, I retur again the ocean, I love it best in the sun and even better at night. The moment when you no longer can tell when the sky ends and the ocean begins... something about its vastness allows me to remember how minor my moments of disatisfaction are. how minor I myslef am, not in a puny mortal sense but as a speck of dust in an amazing web of life. I love how my sense shaprpen to smell better the salt and to feel the silkness of the sand. I apologize for the chilches but my heart aches at even the recolection. In the dark , by the ocea i can be whomever I want, i am not some funny but overweight girl who is so painfully concous of her imperfections. I dont have the smile as a boy would rather dance with my thiner prettier frined, The ocean just sits, offering to advice which i woul be compelled to try whether i liked it or not. I t simply waits , never jealous of time i spend with lakes or streams, know it is my greatest and most constat love, more so than even my parent.I have often be told and felt that I am an old sould in young body,I wonder if i have always been so needful of the ocean.Perhaps I was once a saloir or if we continue to be fanciful, a mermaid...I m iss it some much when I am up north...Its is almost like being aways from a loved one...

10:11pm: eh
Well I have decided that being a nannay is not for me. I love Kevin and Liam so much, but I cant live the life i am in right now. I work 13 hour days five days a week, I am so tired I havent even un packed my things from when I moved in July, because when I get home, or even on the weekend I am too tired to do it... I also dont have insurance working as a nanny whihc need to change becuas eI was just diagnosed with IBS, or potentianlly a gall bladder inferction, in which case I will need to have surgery or at the very least medication whihc at the moment I can not afford. I have been offered to possible jobs as a pre school teacher. They are 9-5 and give me benifits. So if one of them works out, I am gone. SOmetimes I guess you have to put yourslef first, and as much as I love the boys, I need to help myself.
Also I think i am slipping back into my depression habits... not doing things that must be done..having no motivation...I hide it really well. I am a pro at faking happiness. I think my biggest wish is to find someone who just lets me be a total bitch to them with out complaining.. but I sure they woudl anoy me too. I dont know what is going onn , but something has to change....I guess it must be me...

11:56pm: updating
well i have more or less moved in to my new apt. and i loooooove it. i am going through this completely positive point in my life...i am really just letting myself enjoy the road i am on..maybe i spent too much time worring about what could go wrong and now have suddenly started seeing the stuff that is going right. i better get some sleep tomorrow will be long..5:45 comes early.

10:02pm: the 4th
it funny how the fouth of july in many ways has become a bigger hoilday of nostlgia for me than an "loved ones" holiday like christmas or thanksgiving. maybe because it really feels like the turning tide of the year..almost as much for me as september is..it makes me long for things i have put behind me..people i have loved that are either gone or too far to share it with. ive been able to avoid the 4th the last few years because ive worked but today i was out early....fireworks make me think of standing with my grandpa and watching the lights blaze through the sky..of him holding my hand and me feeling so secure that he would always be there.. and even though he isnt physcially here i feel him here, never more so than during the fireworks...his was alove that lives through everyone he touched..i can only hope some day i will be able to give so much love to so man y people..other fouths when i spent them with friends, and one fourth when i didnt know it , but i fell in love...they are inside of me...and behind me..whihc is sad for 24...but maybe my goal is to be making memomries next year not hiding from them...but bittersweet is still far from simply bitter...happy birthday usa...

7:01pm: on the band wagon
rather than update my sh*t i decided to procrastinate and follow the pack like the sheep i am
Just because Sharon & Heather did it..

thirteen random things you like:
1. my phone
2. The beach
3. Sigma Beta Chi Sisters
4. rain on my toes
5. flip flops
6. anything pink
7. the littles
8. pomegrante juice
9. sleeping late
10. my puppy
11. sleeping in a real bed
12. punk music
13. having "fun"

twelve movies
1. Miracle
2. But I'm a Cheerleader
3. Dawn of the Dead (04)
4. Spiderman 2
5. Xmen 2
6. Jason Vs. Freddy
7. Boondock Saints
8. Empire Records
9. Drop Dead Gorgeous
10. Better Off Dead
11. Canibal the Musical
12. Lord of the Rings

eleven good bands/singers
1. Me first and the Gimme Gimmes
2. Neal Diamond
3. Indigo Girls
4. Bare Naked Ladies
5. Dashboard Confessional
6. Maroon 5
7. Counting Crows
8. Billy Joel
9. Simon and Garfunkel
10.Sublime
11. John Mayer

ten things about you
1. I will read anything
2. I get homesick
3. I am a nanny
4. I want to be an airline attendant
5. I am in a sorority
6. I love the 80's
7. I have performed on stage off broadway
8. I met the lead singer to thursday
9. I have five brothers
10. I swam in the ocean before i could walk

nine animals
1. Hedgehogs
2. guinea pigs
3. Dogs
4. Rabbits
5. hamsters
6. Cats
7. sugar gliders
8. hermit crabs
9. Fish

eight favorite foods/drinks
1. Pizza
2. amaretto sours
4. salt and vingegar fries
5. dippin dots
6. C2
7. mac and cheese
8. pomegrante jiuce

seven things you scoff at daily
1. George Bush
2. gas prices
3. emo kids
4. bennys
5. north jersey drivers
6. The fact that it costs as much for a book as a pack of cigarettes
7. The assinine war

six things that turn you on
1. chest hair
2. callus on hands
3. Sense of Humor
4. Intelligence
5. foot rubs
6. the moon

five things you wish you could touch
1. laughter
2. my degree
3. hapiness
4. A Billon Dollars
5. God

four shows you watch
1. ER
2. One Life to Live
3. Six Feet Under
4. Family guy

three celebrities you have a 'crush' on
1. John Mayer
2. Noah Wyle
3. Hal Sparks

two body parts you like
1. Eyes
2. hands

one favorite expression/emotion
1. Dont let the man get u down

Alright now it's your turn!

8:16am: dawn of the dead
I saw dawn of the dead and it was interesting experience over all.for my feelings regard ing things that happen outside of the veiwing, check a later entry, but today i am exploring strickly Dawn of the Dead.To start lets examine why we watch horror movies? The main reason i think catharsis. catharsis was first discussed in relation entertainment( in this case greek tragedy) in his "the poetics" which is the basis for modern theatre.He descired humanities need to see horrible and violent acts perfomred on stagein order to get the desire to indluge in these behavoirs themselves. Which is one the reason greek tragedies are so fucked up( i mean in oedupus, the dude kills the lings, marries his mom, fathers some half siblings, and upon discovering all this POKES OUT HIS OWN EYES...the first horror movie if you will).So the reason seeming well adjusted, productive memebers of society are drawn to horror movies who's level of gore and violence are subversive if not pornographic. We go to see these movies because we cant engage in the behavior protrayed on the screen. I personly( and perhaps most of my generation, the sept. 11 kids) go see horror movies because through them i can control my fear of life itself. We live in a society where our brothers/friends/lovers are dying at a rate of four a day in "peacetime" Iraq, where it seems ever time i go into new york there is some sort of alertregading the likelyness i myslef will die in a terrorist attack. but you can hide in your hole, you go out, go to work, fall in love. in other words, you live because that is the only choice. but what to do with that fear that waits for you in the dark corners of your room or makes you carry your keys between your fingers to attack your own attacker as you go to your car? in my case, and apprently many others, i go see horror movies. this helps me face defined demons..be it vampires, a guy in skin mask or zombies. My enemy is obvious, and almost always defeated, or if it isnt, the movie ends, and i am safe in the dim lights of the theatre. Dawn of the dead is possibly one the best movies i have ever seen in the genre, because it refuses to stay a zombie flick. its an examination of our society as we cruise through the 21st century. the original was made in the 70's and its themes are no less relavant. The charecter growth is amazing and the zombies are as mindlss as the fears that would eat us if we gave them the chance. go see it. enjoy it. but bring someone you can grab on to. it makes it richer....

1:47am: wicked downward spiral
I am standing on the edge of a cliff...a cliff i have stood on many times...i could pull myself back, or fall...and yet this is the first time in a long time ihave been tmepted to let myself to just fall. To let the wind rush through my hair and know what its like to fly before it all ends...i walk around feeling like i am wearing a shirt of ground glass under my skin. exsisting hurts. before you call 911 it;s not like that, imnot so selfish to hurt others through my actions, but it hurts so much. I keep making rash desicions. Maybe on some level i am sabotaging myself. im boobytrapping relationships and testing people who dont deserve it,I am doing my best to either push everyone away, and those that have stayed in the inner circle ive gotten very good at blinding them with the manic-ness i dont feel.And for those that dont see, its not your fault, i didnt want you too. i dont want to be aburdern to the ones ilove.im already a burden to myslef. I havent slept in alife time, and ever hour breaks my heart. not because ia m not loved, ut because i just dont feel like i deserve it. and the pitful atttempts ive givven for help get brushed off.I wouldnt want to deal with me ever. a frined said the other day that he could stnad me hating him, because he hated himself. im the opposite, i cant stand people loving me, because it reminds me how owrthless i am. Maybe this is still the beated 16 year old girl who never quite got away.the cliches are that for a reason, and visible scars really do heal faster, I want to move home, i want to admit defeat. i want to curl up in my bed at home and just be the child i feel like. i want my mommy as i never did as child.i miss home. because nomatter where i go it seems that a onestory ranch in Barnegat is home for me.I miss the ocean. and above all i miss the me used to be.where did i go? I had such promise. I was cutting out the crap.. but it seems the crap is me.. and when i forgive frineds am i being weak or string? some morings its just so tough to wake up if ive been lucky enough to sleep.i want sucess. i want true love. i want what everyone wants..but do i desrve it? or am i just kidding myself?I am out of control and so damned scared.....if u are reading this you are proabably someone who cares about me.. dont think you arnet doing a good job...its me that is failing..i just need to figure out what to do to stop.

2:58pm: been awhile
yeah i know its been a life time since i updated..mostly because i have been starned with out internet for a while. dude nothing is worse than not being able to go online. i honsetly dont know how i did it before i had it....but to summ up...graduted.. moved into my own place...finally painted my own place..went to some sorority stuff...got real drunk and did somethings that were..unadvdisable...and am currently ansewering phones in a doctors office...and national dance insitute just hired me as a part time costumer...so far so good..looks like i will be valentine free agin this year but to be honest im a bit relived..valentines day is rough single or taken.that about it for right now.peace out

1:16am: the end of the begining
im nearly done with school... and by nearly I mean that as soon as I turn in my keys i will be all done.this will happen on Friday at 4:30p.m. So while this has been a semester of lasts, this week has been even more so. My last sorority meeting, my last theatre holiday party, my last day at work, my last Cabaret, my last night in the dorms, even my last drunken "booty i.m." from Scuba Steve.Heh.I'm almost totally moved out, and I have lot of unpacking to do in the next few days. I'm excited to start this next chapter in my life, this "adult thing". I have my last formal this saturday at which I plan to be obliterated. And Sunday my life begins. I may even have date, which if it works out will be if nothing else, a lot of fun. For those of you who have made my collge experience richer, thank you so much. Moving on only mkaes the memories sweeter in the end. and if some hoow, in my way have touched your life, you should know that you have influenced more than i would have though to be possible.

9:30pm: This was Gwen's List and I stole it!
50 Things about me. [Dec. 8th, 2003|04:25 pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

This is inspired by neobartleby

1. I loooove to take pictures. All the time.
2. I've had 5 different voice teachers in 2 years.
3. I auditioned for commercials when I was 5, and was accepted. (I never did any, though.)
4. Christmas is my favourite time of year.
5. My first pet was a dog named Snuffles.
6. Both dorm rooms I've lived in were bigger than my room at home.
7. I audidtioned for choir in 5th grade and was rejected.
8. My first relationship lasted 3 weeks.
9. I got asked out on a date by a male escort.
10. I'm afraid of taking a shower when I'm alone in the house.
11. I collect Phantom of the Opera musicboxes.
12. I love french horns.
13. I can't resist stuffed animals.
14. I once sat down and read through the dictionary.
15. I've played video games for 4 days straight without sleeping.
16. I still have my Atari and Commodore 64.
17. My parents got married when my mom was 4 mos. pregnant with me.
18. I wrote a children's book. (never published)
19. I'm surprisingly pretty crafty.
20. I took a drawing class, and the professer told me, "Your drawings suck."
21. The only drugs I've done are pot and cocaine.
22. I love dry-erase boards.
23. I would do anything for my friends.
24. I'm almost out of debt.
25. I've gone to the movies alone.
26. I sang Ave Maria at my Aunt Sharen's wedding.
27. I was the announcer for Phar-mor stores (when they were open).
28. I've never had alcoholic eggnog.
29. I've never been sledding.
30. My gyno told me two years ago that I might not be able to have kids.
31. I can see really well in the dark.
32. I watch less than 45 mins. of tv per week.
33. I once lost 50 lbs in 6 mos using Weight Watchers.
34. While at Kean, I changed majors 4 times in 4 semesters.
35. I used to collect X-Men comic cards.
36. I went to a prom once with someone I had never met before.
37. 95% of men that I meet/are friends with are gay.
38. I used to have a penpal from France named Amilie.
39. I love candles. I have lots of them.
40. I love getting flowers.
41. I've been told I look like Alyssa Milano, Britney Spears, and "Winny" from the wonder years. I don't think I look ANYTHING like these people.
42. I've only met 2 other people named Gwendolyn.
43. I've been online since 1995.
44. I used to decorate my locker with Christmas lights in high school.
45. I've made my own gel candles.
46. I'm afraid of clowns, spiders, heights, and being alone.
47. I've never had short hair.
48. I don't like ketchup.
49. I love going to the diner at 3am.
50. It took me an hour to make this list.

10:45pm: miss robyn, my gogurt is craaazy
I would likeyou, the internet community to be aware that I am a genius. I did a powerpoint presentaion that not only showed my grasp of chemistry,not only fooled people into think I know what I'm Talking about..but a project that bridged the huge gap between me an my ex boyfrined.. We were able to laugh they was we did before we ever dated. I can graduate now. I feel like things have been amended.

1:57pm: turkey Day
I would have to say that this was a very succsesful Thanksgiving.No one got in any fights, and Iactaully got everything done that I needed to.Including Christmas shopping and getting all the gifts for Formal ready.I even managed to sqeeze in two nights of kareoke.(excellent). One of the nights was up at the classic Sport'sSection. No bar fight this time, which was good. I went with my friend Laura Gibson and three of her frineds. I think I really pissed off one of them because I made a comment about how campus police was a joke... he apparently plans to pursue the career of being a campus cop.Oh well. Her one friend( whom i think is named Jay?) was really cool.IT was good time. And now I am avoiding doing the HUGE poweerpoint presentaion I have to do for Chemisrty. I am trying to show that the alternative to CFC's ( which killed the ozone layer) are just as bad. Stupid Chemistry.

1:17am: thanksgiving
today we had our sororities Thaksgiving dinner. this is how my day went.
8:4f-Frantic I.M.s from my little, Joyce."Robyn are u there?"I was on my way out the door, but i I>.M.ed back "I' here little. What's up?"
"Can I bring over the turkey?"(The night before I agreed she could use my oven)"Sure, but I'm on my way out, so just put it in the fridge for now"
"Ok".
so , now late for work, I rush out the door.
9 a.m.-10:45 Work- a children;s show, torture.
11am-12pm Creative Writing
12pm back at work
1:45 My little comes to where I work, and asks "Can you make the turkey?
Since theoretcially I had nothing else to do for the rest of the day I said"Why not?".
2pm- It occurs to me, I have NO idea how to make a turkey.
2-2:30pmiI call everyoneI kow in the hopes to discover how to make a turkey
2:30 I "gut " the turkey- possibly one of the most disgusting things I've ever had to do, and I have had some REALLLY crummy jobs.
2:45p.m. The Turkey, now covered in Ms.Dash and butter goes in.
3:15 I begin to panic because i am supposed to be "basting" the little bastrad, but there is noting to baste with. sO I call Mom, the turkey expert.she tells me it will come.
3:30 still no juice.Still no basting.
4pm- Call Mom panicing AGAIN. Still no jiuce!!!! Mom says"wait".
4:15 I decided if the stupid turkey wasn't going to produce "juice" in which to baste it, I would create some, via, chicken broth.The basting begins.
4:30pm I proceed to baste approx. every 15mins.
5:00pm- Those dmaned juices start to appear.I continue to baste.
6:30 i begin to panic, because the turkey was supposed to be done at 6pm. According to the package the turky which was 10 lbs. should have been done at 6p.m.
6:40 I turn the temp on my oven WAAAAAAAY up.(still basting every 15 mins.)
7:45 I take out the now seemingly done turky. Tranfer it to another pan and am off to dinner.
8:00 o.m. They let me carve it. ( I hack it to bits)
8:05 The turkey is declared a success.
and that is th end of my turky caper.

12:07am: an ending
Well, Tuscaloosa is over..and its bittersweet. It was so amazing to go out with sucha great cast and a such a great show. but it's wierd to think its all done.I mean, I know I have another Cabaret, and there is sitl Alpha Psi Omega stuff cooming up, Hell, there is even another performance of Tuscaloosa, in NYC, but my days as a Kean student are almost over. No more hanging out in Vaughn Eames, stressing over finals or papers, or staying up all night in the costume shop with opening night only hours away.I t really sank in when i took my cd's back.Some of them have been in the costume shop since i got them.I 'm excited to be moving on, and ready to do it.. but its so hard to say goodbye.I've had a great experience as a college student, from my one year at Ocean COunty College, to my four and a half at Kean.I've change so much, not always for the better, but in many ways ssoooo much better. I like who I am. I like who I've become. I'm a yong woman who has the right to have an opinion, who can stand up for herself.I've fallen in love, almost got engaged, decided it wasnt for me and moved on.I've learned that sex it fun with the wrong person, and beautiful with the right.I've learned that every group you belong to hazes..but that Greek life is more open to it. I've learned that I am often wrong about people, and that people I hated my freshman year could become some of my greatest frineds.I" learned that living with your frineds can some times work against you.I've learned that if I sit and complain , nothing changes, but if I make aproactive choice, at least iI've tried. I 've learned that admiting I'm wrong is not enough, even if it a good start. I need to fix it. I've leanred that I AM a good leader, even if it is not somethjing I seek out. And I think above all I've learned that saying goodbye, is painful, but healthy.And I'm looking forward to this new road I'm starting on. Even if I'm terrified.

11:29pm: another poem
there was this garden, so green, so lush, some called it eden. and in this garden lived two children content to play. the wish to be a man and so he spent his time with dad. the girl spent time with herself and like any child grew lonely, so she sought out friends, the creatures feshly named, played until their partners called, but here's did not. So she found a slick, soft someone who gave her kind sayings and offered her a gift, which she too gladly. finding the fruit so sweet, the child wisher to share. the bot took this gift from her as he had taken all gifts, like it was his due. the father's anger was quick and with out question. the children left the garden, so green, so lush. this garden called eden. and the girl, now a woman, was left with the blame. oh child, did you know that we would someday be doctors, lawyers, senators? did you know we would rule the world in high heels and control top pantyhose? the mistake you were punished for was your greatest gift. knowlege is exchanged for innocence. you gave all, mother eve.

1:48am: opening night
well, the show finally opened, which makes me sad and relived...relived because my life will soon be my own agin.. but sad because it is my last kean show..but its time to move on..to bigger and better things i hope.i reeeeally need to sleep.
*newest resolution- i refuse to give people permisson to be misable by soothing them when they complain. and i am not talking about people who have truly had sometragic happen.. its the people with jobs, and money, and parents who adore them, and a potential signifigant other to adore them, and still refue to be happy. and wont change what makes themsad, or seek help.

11:30pm: getting back in the swing
well, ive been back at school for two days...and this is the first moment ive really had to sit at think..between rushing back from the fuberal, trying to cram for my chem test and dress rehersals i havent had a moment to breath... whish may be a good thing. some people self-medicate with drugs or acholhol, or even sex. i self-medicate with over extension. its part of my charm i think, always rushing from one thing to another.at least no one can really complain, i negelect everyone equally.sunday was rough..seeing Grnadma laidout..and not yelling at any one was so starnge..it was a weekend of highs and lows. saturday night after we met with the priest , we went tom brother miceal's suprise 30th bithday( that the third oldest brother). the nicest part about it was pending time witn his fiancee amy and her family..she has two nephews, so i am now Aunt Wob:).and she asked me to build my palate for vodaka so i can drink appletini's at the rehersal dinner and wedding. my Uncle Ron was soooo funny..he kept pretending to be Mick Jagger..sunday was rough, as i said, but i think monday was worse...my mom asked me to read something at the funeral, which i could even see because iwas crying so hard.. and then they sang ave maria..which made my mom bawl.. btu at the same time, i think this weeekend was the first time all six kids and the cousins hung out since my grandfather died..we would get most of us for some holidays , but some one was laways missing.. and we sat around and talked about grandma, and grandpa and all the ting we used to do at the shore housei n ortley beach.then i had to rush back to make dress rehersal..which sucked.( havingt o go back the rehersal was fine) and now im getting ready for friday night's opening.my buffalo wings are calling to me...

1:10am: hmm
yeah, so what is up with everyone dieing lately?
i think i musted be a really f-ed up person, because i just found out my grandmother died..and all i can think about it that its going ot be so rough to get home for the funeral, because im almost in dress rehersal for my show..am i cold? or is it the fact that grandma hasnt been there forthe last five years because of alzhemiers..i was "which one are you". i guess the only reason im even upset is because it hurts my mom so much. no matter how crazy grandma was( and believe me she was crazy) its stil incredibly rough to watch her die. and my mom is trying so damn hard to be strong.. and we arent amking easier on her.. mom is our rock, our fooundation..she is the rerason the family spends time to gether because no matter how much we fight we all love mom and want to make her happy. im im so damned selfish..all im thinking about is what if something happened to HER? I wouldnt be able to funcotion..i get mad and mom and dad a lot, and you know what, i still feel cheated because as one of 6 i never really got the attention i desperatly wanted, and yeah im 23 and supposed to be a grown up, they are still my mommy and daddy. and i even call them that, i dont care how old i get they will always be my mommy and daddy..and now im rambling. im so scared.and grandma is in a better place, and i STILL think funeral are selfish, because they are for us, not a celebration of the life of the person that is gone.and i sure she is up in heaven bossing God around...and she with granpa..so that will make him happy.. geezz i need to stop talking and do something, ANYTHING....

3:42pm: Leadrership retreat
I had the most amazing weekend. Ill be honest , i thought it was just going to be another weekedn trying not to fll asleep in workshops and not showering so i can get an extra ten minutes of sleep. but it was so eye opening. i saw sides of people i never gave more than a second thought to. I hung out with people that have never been in my life, but now it seems like my life would be so much less with out them.i alos just got a chance to let go. i let go of all the shit ive been carrying around. its kind of sad that it took people that were almost starngers to me to realize my self worth. im a good leader and a good person. i postivly impact others.its feels like vey night i got to be smiling, and wake up ready to take on the day.i have fallen in love withm yself. now i know why when people "find" jesus the want to tell everyone about it.. i want to speard the words that i have heard so other people can hear them and benifit from them.. iw ant them to know that its not to late to let go...its like the line from "thank u" bu alanis Morrisette.."the moment i let go of it, was the moment i got more than i could handle, the the momenti jumped up a bit, was the moment i hit ground"i just feel so damned good.