This backsliding is annoying.

idk what to say whenever I'm here...and i used to write long-ass entries lol!

ok i'll write something after all....

it's been quite a ride, picking up pieces of myself, putting myself back together after a devastating heartbreak.....there are ups and downs....questions that will never be answered...

i'm just so damn glad that during this time I met people who will be life-long friends! and i got reunited with my old ones.


I'm so glad I met Neal.
=)

My life these days is like a limbo. I'm floating in a world were there are no ties to secure me. There are no structure to my days, no comforting pattern, no certainty of tomorrow. All I have is me and my thoughts.

There's still no clarity...I am as confused as ever. Hurting still. I am caught between love and hatred, caught between compassion and revenge, caught between joy and sorrow. It's a never ending cycle and I wish it would stop.

My wish is for one day to just wake up and feel nothing for him. Because loving him, once so inspiring and so magical, has now become a burden.

**********

But I am better. And 90% of the time, it feels soooooo good to be back with him. 10% of the time, whenever I remember how hideously and cruelly he treated me, it's a fucking nightmare. But I've been told that forgiving is a process...well how long? Two years? Five years of internal struggle? Is he worth it?

I don't know anymore. I look at him and see glimpses of what and how he used to be...I have so much love for that person and perhaps that's the reason why I stayed.

**********




I've forgotten how good it is to vent around here. Glad I didn't delete my lj after all.

Got tears running down my eyes. Oh Neal. Wish you came to my life a little later. I still have so much emotional dusts floating about me coming from my last relationship.

"Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don’t be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period." - Gamine

I am avidly reading on Filipino-Punjabi Sikh marriages (if that's actually possible). Got disheartened with some info but found encouragement in others.

I am willing to convert to Sikhism as it is a very lovely religion. He is a second generation American. He hates Indian food, he wears no turban, he shaved his hair, he doesn't speak Punjabi - he is very Americanized and this bodes well to us possibly getting married with no family objection.

Neal is thinking of buying a house and I could not comment on it. Not yet. He seemed pretty eager when he told me and that he's thinking a lot about me...and my mind jumped to weddings and babies and being a wifey LOL!

But I made no comment - we have discussed weddings before in a general way and he is into big weddings (he watches Bridezilla LOL!) and I want a small one. But hello way to jump the gun.

I just find everything sweet at the moment. He is perfect.