Extend

 Salam.

I still can’t believe that we are about to depart from 2020, heading to 2021 in just about 48 hours. 😳

Alhamdulillah we managed to go through 2020. I have high expectation towards 2021 especially with the vaccine is already around. Things may not be back to previous normal, and I hope the adjusting bit will be easy for everyone. 

Let’s talk about the cliche since we are approaching new year, which is new year’s resolution. Haha

First, consistency, in the small acts especially. Like if I am too lazy to run, I can still make do with brisk walk and it is good enough.

Second, to be kind, especially to me myself. Lowering the expectation is one of the thing that I thought will help to help me reducing mental load.

Third, to really be cautious with my words and action. I hope I can only talk the good words that will only benefit others and me. Aminnn.

Actually there are more on the list but I thought some of it would be personal, so let’s have that written elsewhere. 

What I am grateful of with 2020?

First, this year really taught me to have full reliance to my god. 

Second, health is important especially mental health. Some people can handle stress well, but that does not mean that that is applicable to everyone.

Third, the power of doa. Having seen the doa and wishes from people that I am closed with granted, the small trivial one, I am so humbled and touched and even excited to pray more. 

Forth and totally irrelevant, working from home make me realize that my housing area is consistently having renovation works, especially when I am about to unmute my microphone in the virtual meeting. Piling works at nearby construction area is not helping too. I might need to have my ear tested pronto. Haha

Bye!

Bittersweet

Salam.

If there is one good thing I gain about 2020, is to stop being curious on why things happened. I used to classify most of events that happened to either me or my family or my friends, under a few categories. The naive me playing God last time had concluded that this event is due to these person needs some reminder in his or her life, that event maybe bad karma because he or she did something nasty, another event maybe because he did good and he got rewarded and these ‘sin/punishment/reward profiling’ applies to me too. I was always curious on the reasoning behind everyhing, especially if I did fall into circumstances that I did not favour, against my will. Almost instantly, I classified that as punishment to me. 

Thanks to 2020, I think I had spent my money and time on a few good books and I had learned that everyone is bound to have things happen in their life,  be it favourable or not favourable. No escape to the emotional roller coaster, at some point everyone just had to endure it in their life. I no longer curious on why things happen, since I kind of figured out the basic rule that everyone will be tested. The timing and form might differ, but these events, trials, tribulations are bound to happen. The mystery behind the occurence, safe to say now that it is for the best, a taste in life that I need to experience to make me better, no less. 

I really really really hope 2021 will be a lot better than 2020. Hope everyone is safe and take care! 🙃

Childhood

 Salam. 

It is just amazing what a four year old kid can teach us (me). I am close with my niece and nephew, especially my first nephew. He just turned 4 last September and I am the emergency contact his mother registered in case if something happen to him at school. I am one of that obsessed aunty. Haha

Since COVID-19 started, it brought me back to my childhood dream of becoming a doctor. From my age of 12 till 17, I had always wrote down doctor as my preferred job, I specifically work extra hard for Biology subject at school and as a result, I got A1 for Biology and A2 for Pendidikan Agama Islam (Islamic Studies) for my SPM, because I paid less attention to subject that I thought did not matter then. Come to think of it now, if only I gave my best in all SPM’s subjects, I would feel better.

Okay, back to my nephew story, Daffa (not to be confused with Dahfa - the fish snack that won some international award), we met almost fortnightly. When we meet, usually he will conquer the TV and my phone, so I don’t have other option except to talk and communicate with him. Seeing him so happy and cheerful in current COVID-19 pandemic, I tried to instill some good sense to him, my unachieved dream of becoming a doctor. So I told him, ‘Daffa, later you need to become a doctor, so you can help to treat and take care of people when they are sick, and make sure COVID-19 will go away.’ 

His reply was innocent, as expected from a kid, ‘No, I don’t want to be a doctor’. So I asked him what is his ambition then. Last month, his answer was Chuck Chicken, and yesterday, Blippi. I think he thought that is the coolest job in the world, for now. 

What I felt interesting was, the conversation that we had, of me persuading him to be a doctor - Daffa told about this to his mother, in which later his mother told me. He said CikDak (me) asked him to be a doctor, but he don’t want to. His mother had a good laugh while telling me this. I thought this is interesting because for me, that was just a passing remark, a conversation to fill the silence or just me bugging him when he was too focused watching screens. I did not expect it will bother him so much that he will tell his mother on this. I mean, he is only 4-year-old to actually weigh between becoming a doctor or Chuck Chicken or Blippi. 

This whole thing about my nephew do not want to be a doctor just make me realize that pressure can be experienced from a kid as young as 4-year-old, and I kind of promise to myself to talk better to my niece and nephew and other kids, so they will have a healthy mindset and enjoy their childhood to the fullest. Sorry Daffa, I promise I will support you, be it Chuck Chicken or Blippi (for now). 😆

Food for Thought

 Salam. 

When I was in Myanmar, I don’t quite understand why I was in constant state of feeling gloom. I had nice bunch of  friends and I was always keeping in touch with my family in Malaysia but still there were something that didn’t feel settled or right. After some time, I just happened to know that the weather, the constant rain without the sun was the reason that caused me to be in that gloomy state. The place that we stayed, Yangon experienced raining season for about 6 months a year, and the non-exposure to the sun was the reason why I did not feel okay last time. 

Now, I am back to Malaysia for good and I make a point to expose myself to the sun everyday, either via my morning run or just simply open my window to let the sunlight in. It is quite absurd that having done this small act improves my mood, but it does feel good to let the natural course play it roles in my life. 

From the book Live Happy, the author shared that actually there are occasions that we experienced ‘false bad mood’ because of the food that we consumed. As we all know, food that we consumed is absorbed by our body and brain, and processed food does affect our brain and eventually our mood, making it sour. We are actually not really in bad mood, but having the bad food i.e. processed food does make us feel bad. This explain why for some people that eat and consume real food, their mood was better and eventually, they enjoy better quality of life because they can focus on the current moment, practising mindfulness and decide better without being blinded by negativity resulted from having bad mood. 

I really want to enjoy better quality in my life.This means that I need to cook more, seems like this is the most effective way I can make sure I have good food in my dietary. But I enjoy cleaning more than cooking. #alasan 

Take care and hope everything is okay at your end. Bye!

Morbid

 Salam. 

These past few days, I don’t know what has gotten into me that I felt like I need to change. I am, erm okay this is a bit funny, but at my tender age of 31, now only I have that realization to not be one of those people at losing side. I was quite adamant this time, that there is something in my life that need major overhaul (obviously there were previous failed attempts, but let’s move on shall we haha). 

I read somewhere, our body is designed to move and so is our mind is designed to think. Couch potato is best defined me when I am not working. Work is extra busy during this work-from-home period, so when I am done with my office work, I was too drained to do other thing. This makes me somehow sad because I don’t have time to do things I fairly enjoy pre-COVID such as catching up with friends, hitting gym and watching movie at cinema after work. I also realized now that being busy is not entirely good. I learned to be productive and focus instead of being busy, because being busy to the extend there is no space for other elements in life is so overrated, glamourized and romanticized. My life is more than my office work and I don’t fancy my eulogy to only revolves around my work experiences. But being occupied, not over-occupied does help in distracting my mind from overthinking, not office work kind of busy but on other department especially in creative outlet i.e. writing, cooking, making things and doing something. 

As a Muslim, we are also taught to do our best in everything and our body has right over us. 

Okay, maybe not so that I don’t know what has gotten into me that I felt like I need to change, to be honest I finished read Secrets of Divine Love book and  there is a chapter about death in there. That chapter moved me so much that I felt like I am completely wasting my life following the flow, complacent with everything and I dare to think that I have all time in the world to attempt better habits later. Indeed, death is a great reminder for the living soul. 

Talking about death, I used to dread and terrified of death so much that I kept making prayer to God to delay my death everytime, obviously  because I am not ready. Most of night when I am getting prepared to sleep, the thought that I might not wake up tomorrow scared me so much that I pray, please not tomorrow, or tonight in my sleep, I have so much rectification and repentance works that need to be done and I am completely not ready to face death. I kept bargaining discount from God on the moment of my passing instead of attempting to be a better person, prepping myself for better future. 

Bye. 

It is Getting too Personal

 Salam.

It has been a while, me not writing in here. Guess what, we are approaching November, not only November, but November 2020. For the past 10 or 15 years in my life, I have always thought that 2020 would be a very magnificient year, because our leader in Malaysia had introduced 2020 Vision or Wawasan 2020, and due to that, 2020 for me was a year that I look forward to. I was very excited even the younger me thinking that 2020 will come together with a magic spell that will erase all the things that do not make people happy. The innocence of young minds.

2020 at least for me was a year where noone in Malaysia is in poverty. Everyone can eat comfortably without worrying on what would be the next meal. But, come 2020, reality is far from that. Topped with the presence of COVID-19, 2020 came as a big surprise to the whole world. It is indeed true, ‘We plan, and Allah plans. Surely, Allah is the best of planners.’ - Quran 8:30. 

How is everyone coping? I hope everyone is well. I was once inclined to sort of ‘advise’ or ‘remind’ others to be grateful on everything, but now I realized it was so naive of me to ‘freely or mindlessly advise or remind’ others on that. It does not occur to me that maybe, the one that read my ‘reminder’ was someone that was not having meals for 2-3 days and perhaps he or she was indeed grateful. So what I had learned from this is I should have focus on improving myself, to listen and observe more. The advice that I thought others need to be reminded of, is actually the one that I need the most. Oh the irony. 

In that sense, I am grateful for 2020 for this one thing. I read about this, I heard about this but I don’t know why, I did not feel it was 100% true, until 2020 come with its twist - it was clear to me that Allah is always with us. I don’t know whether this would be TMI or too personal to be shared, but I sort of realized  about this with 100% clarity this time, that Allah is always with us. There were instances that I felt like God is far from me, He doesn’t listen to my prayers, and worst of all, is He even there? (Okay, this is getting too personal but I thought I want to pen this here, as a reminder to me). 

A good analogy from a book that I am currently reading, ‘Secrets of Divine Love’ on Allah is near, always with us is as below :

“Just as clouds cannot affect the presence and power of the sun’s light, but can alter our experience of the intensity of the light, sin can veil our perception of our inner goodness, but it cannot change it.” 

Perhaps I was too blinded by my own sin that I did not see or feel the sun’s light, but the light is always there. I feel assured with this reminder, that everyone is having a fair chance to feel close to Allah if we choose to and our responsibility is to keep going forward with our best effort, with full trust to Allah. 💪

Bye!

Sprouting

 Salam. 

Hello!

I am one of the person that is unable to fake or hide my uneasiness to do something out of my willingness. Oftentimes, I had minor glitch with my girlfriends when they were planning to go out on weekend while I was just planning to have that weekend on my own as I am a typical homebody person. Good that the friction was minor and we are still friends.

However, as someone that is comfortable to have my own stand, not a pushover, I did typical mistake that should have not been made, if I know better. I expect people to react certain ways and I did get upset when  it did not appear as I expected. It is irony but funny. 

Now that I had spent some time thinking about this, I realized that we cannot control others, for everytime and forever. It is unfortunate that this realization hit me a bit late but it is good that I realized it now, so I hold no grudge to anyone. Everything happen for good reason to us, not against us. I just need to apply this in my life. And there will always be reason why people act certain ways, I just need to be more empathetic. 

May all our prayers answered, and we will be blessed, happy and healthy always. Bye!

Clock is Ticking

 Salam

I have the same curiousity like Dahlia does, from this youtube link.

I love how Ustaz Syed Putra explanation on there is nothing wrong with being rich, (not that I am rich hahaha don’t get me wrong, but please pray if that will benefit to many). Okay, on his explanation, there is nothing wrong on being rich, because being rich and well-off is also a test. He said that Abdul Rahman bin Auf is the last among Rasulullah SAW’s sahabah (friends) that will enter Jannah (heaven), because he is rich so he has a a lot to answer during the Day of Judgment. Upon hearing that, Abdul Rahmah bin Auf give away all (I forgot - all or most of) his possession, there and then.

I recently also stumbled upon many quotes and reminder that one of best trait is by being someone that will ease others, in Malay, ‘yang menyenangkan’. I find it is weird because it is so vague. Haha. Delved deeper into this, I think I have better picture now. ‘Yang menyenangkan’ is when we talk to them, they curate the delivery of words to make us feel better but still staying true to the fact, on house chores, the one that is always offer to help or accustomed to do house chore because not being lazy is the most obvious trait of ‘yang menyenangkan’, when working in group - not being silo or freeloader, to list a few contexts. 

I think being rich will make one to be ‘yang menyenangkan’ easier, because they have one of the important commodity or mean, which is money. Same goes to being healthy, with the commodity is energy and being young, because clock is ticking and death is calling.

So we are equally equipped to be ‘yang menyenangkan’, there is always mean to do good, with our own capacity. Thanks to Dahlia and Ustaz Syed Putra for the content, such a good reminder for me to continue progressing myself to become better. 

May we benefit others in everyway possible and for that, may we granted the best place later. 

Stint

 Salam.

I hope everyone is well. 

It is getting harder for me to write in here, because I want the write up to be complete soonest possible. During my younger days, I used to spend hours here so I didn’t really have that pressure to get this done in few minutes. 

So I thought something magical happened to me last week. I am not going to share what it was but I have never felt like that before. 

How are you coping with life? I can’t wait for things to get back to normal. I missed everything that I dread before, especially going to office. I used to dislike going to office (not miss the train part though), but now I think like going to office, meeting people is one of the thing that I missed most. 

Work has been crazy but Alhamdulillah for the rezeki. 

I have been running quite consistently again, for every morning now. I will try to commit to this new habit as I think I am less annoying to others (read : bad temper) and more productive throughout the day. To commit to this morning run is also feel easier and lighter now because my objective now is simpler, to get healthier and cultivate this habit as my lifelong habit and lifestyle. 

Hope this jagged route will pass soon and till then, may the force be with us, Insha Allah. 

Whole

Salam.

I recently discover this idea, of a void. The common thing people would say if there is void in their heart or life, is for that void to be filled, so that void will not hurt as much. 

But last week or last 2 weeks, from the book that I currently read, he mentioned about the void to be vanished. I really really love that idea, that a void can disappear, not because it was filled, but the void is no longer exist. Sounds like that person is finally whole. 

Whole. Contented. 

I want my void to disappear. I think I have been living with the idea that a void can only be filled, not vanished. So I was always hoping for next, more, grander things to happen to me, so the void will be filled and I will be whole, completely satisfied with everything. But I forget that whatever, whoever that fill the void, the ‘filler’ will also one day, gone. 

And now, upon knowing this fact, I hope it is not too late for me to try, to feel whole with whatever I have now. 

Insecurity

Salam.

As a woman/girl/lady, there is a lot in my mind and one of it is insecurity on not being enough in term of appearance and look. There is ridiculously high standard set by don’t-know-who to women, and that make me feel like I am never ‘there’.

There are days when I am insecure on my look, I don’t feel like I am pretty enough or slender enough to fit I-don’t-know-who’s standard. I called my mother and talked about this. My mother said, ‘World is for everyone. Set your mind that this world is for everyone because if you think world only works for those who are pretty or rich or people that has it all, God has make us all equal. Focus to have a good mindset. Don’t clutter your mind with the unnecessary worrying. First, the shaytan like to see us  miserable, so they always plant disturbance into our mind, to avoid us making peace with life and eventually God. Second, don’t be bothered with TV commercial that playing on women’s insecurity to promote their product. Focus to improve your inner self, your health’.

I am lucky to have heard and be reminded of this from my role model. Despite everywhere ads and commercials manipulating women’s insecurity, I hope I will not be swayed by that. I am always aware that there is no shortcut in getting better. To look radiant and presentable, I prefer to believe in those rather than consuming colorful liquid loaded with dubious ingredient, ‘For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others, for beautiful lips, speak only word of kindness, and for poise, walk with knowledge that you are never alone’ - Audrey Hepburn.

For health, I believe consistency is the key, in term of exercise,mindset and food intake. Again, I don’t believe in taking pills without doctor prescription. I love Prof Imelda Balchin consistent reminder for women to always put our health first, both physically and mentally before anything. She also urge everyone to believe that inner beauty and potential is much more valuable than one’s look.

Having this kind of reminder is truly important for me, it was like a reset if I did sway or concern too much. There is so much more to be grateful for, it was just me that refuse to shift my view.

Bye and have a good day!

Capricious

Salam.

I hope everyone is coping well with life and the mundane. To be honest, the first 2 weeks of MCO (movement control order) was the most confusing bit, but things gradually making sense after that and I am less anxious now.

I need to remind myself that there is limit in telling tales and meddling in.

I am better at doing wheelpose now. I have been practising for about 6 months (consistently inconsistent hahaha) but I can see some improvement. As much as I love running, I do love yoga and simple hiking too. It is good to have someone close that enjoys doing this sort of thing, Alhamdulillah.

I am possibly unable to finish my 6 book for this year in June. My one book one month pledge is not doing well this month, I don’t know why *shudder* but let’s hope and pray that I will muster the courage again to pick up that specific book that I have been trying to be done with since 2018.

And it is true that as we are getting older, the circle of friends is getting smaller but to be honest, I have no problem with this. Everything happen for a reason and there is no point regretting matters that we can’t control.

I don’t know what else to share, it is not like I have a lot of things going on in my life that worth to be shared and I don’t think people are still paying attention to blog nowadays. But, writing like this give me good energy and for that sole reason, I am still here, updating nonsense. 😂

Bye!😅

Forced Saving

Salam.

I have always love the month of Ramadhan, the calmness, the solitude in the morning as well as the relax mode that it entails. But, this year Ramadhan has been way too different from previous years. For the past years, it was up to me to go or not to to Tarawikh at mosque, but this year, there is no option, the Tarawikh must be done at home. This felt odd and weird in the beginning, but I now can see the beauty of it.

I read a book by Hlovate that he/she enjoyed Ramadhan in Australia compared to Malaysia because there is no distraction for him/her to do the prayers, reading al-Quran and more of any recommended good deeds. There is no Bazar Ramadhan, no shopping for baju raya and no time consuming breakfasting event in Australia, in which I was so accustomed to in Malaysia. As much as I want to have my Ramadhan fully focused on doing good deeds and beneficial activities, there was distraction in it that I still went to breakfasting event in which I mostly missed my Tarawikh later because I was too tired after I reached home, shopping and splurge too much for clothes instead of donating to the people that need support and  help in charity purpose, because I want to look great meeting everyone on Hari Raya Aidilfitri and limiting my time with al-Quran because I was busy with any other worldly things.

So this year, the Ramadhan under this restriction should have help me to gain as much as possible, to spend my time with my God. Hopefully I can make the best out of this.

Testing

Salam.

Hope everyone is well.
I am so can’t wait for the COVID-19 to end and to go out as freely as I could. Just like the good old day.

In the meantime, I will be actively waiting, patiently, the new word that I learned from Aida Azlin, ‘active patience’.

Bye!

Together

Salam.

I would be lying if I said I am okay with this current situation. The outbreak was no joke, the crime rate is getting higher and the upcoming recession or already here recession, all combined make me feel overwhelmed as an adult. 2020 is much more ‘happening’ than what I had assumed and it is only March.

Work has been extra busy as well, due to the outbreak impact and oil price collapsed.

Government has been really helpful though, by waiving monthly bank commitment via moratorium, in which I just discovered the meaning of it.

To be honest, this was the most humbling experience in my life so far. I have never being denied from freedom all my life, except from school time but that doesn’t count as I was still secretly going out.
But now, the situation was totally beyond everyone’s control. We can only pray, stay at home, wash hand, minimize the exposure and the most challenging part, is to have cooperation from everyone to be disciplined in fighting the urge to go out and to not spread the virus.

However,  it is understandable and inevitable, because not everyone in our country is living in comfortable home to stay 24 hours a day let alone with air conditioner in this humid weather. Not to forget some of us was living under the bridge. So it is equally important to not be judgemental and hostile, I believe everyone (apart from that special group that still refuse to address the severity of the situation) is trying our best-est to fight and combat this. It is just unfortunate that not everyone is privileged to go through the day without worrying on how to make ends meet. Hence it is also important to help the vulnerable group so they didn’t resort to crime or anything of sort just to make sure there is food on the table for family.

Sharing the link here for some of you that interested to ease the burden.

Hopefully we can end this phase soon. I think this will end but it is going to take some time.

Pandemic

Salam.

I hope we will survive this unknown-of virus, COVID-19. I already has a plan to tell this story of me facing this nasty virus, under restricted movement order by government to my future kids and their kids.

Hopefully,  this phase will not be long, we are in this together.

The Answer

Salam.

February is my favourite month for a very obvious reason (my birthday month). Now that you know, don’t feel pressured to give me any birthday gift, just do this,  please pray for me - that all my wishes will be granted. That would be the best gift for me.

It is funny that I feel so obligated to write in this space this past few weeks. I used to write lengthy caption on my Instagram post, but that no longer ‘spark my joy’, as the crowd in my instagram are not the people I feel comfortable to share that extend of intimacy.

I feel the urgent need to write as I have read a few books along the way and I usually share the take away from that book. However, I did’t manage to do that, and I feel quite incomplete. It is true that reading and writing is a balancing act, maybe the not writing part gave me that feeling of imbalance and make me feel incomplete, and lead me to here.

Okay enough about me not feeling whole.

I have tried, enjoyed my meal without any distraction, which is just me and my food. I usually eat while watching something on my phone, and that habit I think lead to me over-eating and least savouring the food. As I have been doing this for a week, I think I am more conscious of what I put into my mouth and I eat less, I think.

Happy new year!