Still Looking Back (May)

And now, May...2013. As in one year ago. Read on if you wish, though I'm really only doing this because I am obsessive about order and time (though I am always late to everything), and I can't bring myself to gloss over an entire year.

So.
May 2013. One year ago.

I love May. April is so busy in my professional life that, along with the flowers and the sunshine and the hayfever, May brings a big ol' overhaul of a more relaxed, less time-crunched happy into the Burt home. Bike riding, bubbles, picnics. Bare feet and flower planting. Love, love, love it.

Plus, May brings Mother's Day which, this year, included walls plastered in Mommy-Nora stick figures that stayed up for months.



I mostly left the drawings up because they melt my heart, and because I am a little more smitten with life as mother to a daughter every day. In the interest of full disclosure, however, I will also admit that I left them up to remind Nora that she does love me in the midst of our nearly daily morning fights. Though she wakes up at the crack of dawn, her disposition leads me to believe that her body wishes her eager mind would let it sleep just a bit longer (yes, still, one year later!). The fights—which are not as frequent or intense now, though still fairly predictable—varied, from clothes, to hair, to cereal choices, to toothpaste (yep, she's even got an opinion on that), and back around to clothes again. But no matter the topic, I was guaranteed one tantrum a morning, and I began to notice that Andy and Porter would leave a little earlier every week to try to avoid the inevitable morning chaos. One year in to morning-gedon, and I still don't know that either one of them is prepared for life with three girls in the house.

Speaking of the third Lady Burt, last May I was still trying to keep quiet about the growing baby that would soon be named Hattie. In fact, at one point, I had convinced Andy that we wouldn't tell anyone until Hattie was born. I caved, however, at the end of May. Mostly because it was getting warm and loose-fitting sweaters were getting uncomfortable. And with the big reveal (which wasn't big at all because it turns out there's no grandiose way to confirm something everyone has already suspected other than to just say, "yup."), the baby prep commenced in earnest. Though I remained fairly nervous about everything (which is totally normal, by the way, for someone who has lost babies), it was exciting to look at baby stuff with hope once again.

More May meanderings:

Porter grew up overnight, enjoying a bit more freedom to roam the neighborhood on his bike with his pals and counting down the days to his first summer after real, all day school (first grade) with an anticipation that made me recall all the best bits of my own childhood (morning bike rides, hot, lazy afternoons with popsicles and sprinklers, and laying in bed at night while it was still light out, sure you weren't tired, only to crash after a day of running around.

Again, now one year later, he still looks so little here. Though our current big kid bike hunt (he still wants pedal brakes, which has proven itself a difficult requirement) reminds me that he's still at least a little bit little.

See... (Our last day of school ice cream date.)

Best kid ever. Happy, easy, always ready to have fun.

I used the summer to try to squeeze in solo time with both the kids before we rocked their world with a new baby in the house. And when she wasn't mad because I made her wear real shoes instead of the Cinderella "glass" slippers or when her much too tender head (she yells "Ow" before the brush is even touching her scalp) survived a ponytail session unscathed, this little lady was—and still is—so much fun. With lower lows, you most definitely get the highest of highs. And I love this pink little girl who can never get enough story time, toenail polish, sugar or attention.



May also brought the return of our summertime evening walks—my favorite thing we do. Just me and the kids wandering, talking and in hot debate over which discovered trash is treasure and which is just trash. We have an ever growing pile of rocks, sticks and shards of plastic on the side of our house from several summers worth of these trips. And, starting this last year, my four-year-old girlie added weed bouquets to the summer walk bounty.

Seriously love having little girls. Most of the time.
And I suspect this guy likes it a whole lot more than he wants to let on.

I lucked out with this guy. He's stubborn and my polar opposite in almost every way, but he likes to explore, isn't afraid of hard work (a requirement with a wife like me) and adores our kids.


Every once in a while, I can even get him to smile in a photo. And by every once in a while, I mean Christmas, his birthday and Mother's Day weekend which, last year, was spent hiking in Zion.

 
And really, that about sums up May. That, and my very favorite family portrait of all time:



Don't we all look excited about that sunshiney little teddy bear inside my stick-figure's beach ball stomach? I assure you, we all were. And if the nerves hadn't been so bad, I would say this was my most fun pregnancy yet. We were excited, though it took Andy—from a family of all boys—a while to accept that he was getting another daughter (see above), the kids were excited, and once we let the cat out of the bag, everyone else was pretty darn supportive and excited for us as well. I've never really loved the term rainbow baby (a baby after a loss), but I totally get its origin. A surprising, almost magical dose of happy and sunshine just when things seemed they'd be dark forever. Or, in our case, a glowing little line drawing surrounded my smiling, misshapen heads.

Remembering One Year Ago

I get a little wistful when I think about how quickly time passes. The days are long and the years are short, and there are hundreds of little things I think I'll remember (but wont) and even more I know I never want to forget. In my ongoing effort to make time stand still, I present our past year in one long, rambling look back.

APRIL 2013

1. Our first and hopefully only family pet.

 A birthday surprise (for the seven-year-old and his anti-pet mom) from Nora and Daddy.

We started with four and are now down to 1 1/2 (Larry the yellow crab wants a new shell but doesn't like any of the options we've presented). Poor Ferdinand the red will soon be on his own. Fortunately, the kids haven't noticed, which tells you all you need to know about the entertainment value of hermit crabs. In addition to Larry and Ferdinand, they were really good at ignoring Gato ("cat" in Spanish, according to my then seven-year-old) and Troublemaker as well. Don't let the pictures fool you. Naming the crabs and that one time we lost Larry for a few hours has been the most exciting part of pet-parenthood ever since Troublemaker (hence the name) pinched Nora on day three, never to be held willingly again.

2. Our now eight-year-old turned seven and celebrated with an outerspace birthday party and loads of new Legos.

It took a full day to turn that soccer ball-shaped cake into the moon. I tell you this so you will know what you're looking at in the above photo. Sadly, the frosting was gross and nobody ate more than a few bites. Luckily, little boys would rather run wild like aliens than sit still long enough to eat cake anyhow. Same goes for group photos.

This little boy has been blessed with some really great friends.

When I took this picture, I thought he looked so grown up; now one year later, I think he looks so little and sweet (for the record he is still sweet as a newly minted eight-year-old, but he's not little at all and has shot through two sizes in both clothes and shoes in the past year).

3. Nora's first soccer season.

She didn't love it and more often than not ended up in my lap on the sidelines, as did all the other girls except the one with pink shoelaces who singlehandedly secured an undefeated season for the "Black Catwomen."

She rallied for the game mid-season against her good friend, Vivian, though, and even scored her first goal.

Though she did seem to enjoy it after that, we skipped soccer for the then four-year-old and now five-year-old this spring but plan to try again in the fall.

All the while, the big brother and his coaching dad were playing just a couple fields down.

 I love these kids and I love being their soccer mom (and am doubly grateful their dad is coaching instead of me—too competitive for my own good).

A few more April highlights...

4. Porter's first science fair. He got a black eye the day before after tripping on new pants that were too long. In spite of the shiner, his sweet smiled earned our then first-grader a spot in the local paper.


5. Nora learned to write her name, and the house was soon covered in scraps of N-O-R-Aed paper.

6. I discovered a new favorite book and haven't found anything I like quite as much in the year since. Nora and I also read our first mommy-daughter chapter book: Pippi Longstocking, followed by Matilda. Oh how I love having a little girl.

One of my favorite moments of mommyhood to date.

 6. And finally, I officially gave up fighting my strong-willed four-year-old each morning over clothes.

Many great ensembles coming your way as we move through the rest of the past year. 2013 was a rough parenting year when it came to this little lass. We are one and the same, and it is still often a contest of wills. It's taken the better part of the past year to figure out which fights were worth waging and to let go of the rest. I'm still not great at it, but every day gets a little better...until it's not. This one keeps me sharp.

All the while,  April 2013 was made all the sweeter by a fun little secret I was carrying around in the form of a yet-to-be announced, yet-to-be born baby Hattie. We kept a tight lid on the pregnancy news for as long as we could—I was nervous something would go wrong—but I look back on this pre-baby #5 time now and realize Harriett Ann was the plan for our family all along. I am also again amazed at how quickly older kids age when a baby is born—look at how sweet and little Nora used to be!

 May 2013 ... to be continued, followed by June, July, August, September, October, November & December. And then I'll try to process 2014 some time before Nora graduates.

Six Weeks & Three Kids

Three kids is everything you hear, though I am not sure it's the actual number of children that keeps me spinning as much as it's the juggling of two different lifestyles to balance the big kid and the baby stuff that has thrown me for a loop. Every time I think I've got Hattie figured out, we have gymnastics or a soccer game or homework or a pile of Legos (that I step on with sleeping baby in arms who then wakes up as I howl and hobble). Andy makes fun of me because nearly every night, I proudly tell him I've figured out "the secret," as if the key to that day's success will carry over infinitely. It never does.

Though busy, I've never been happier. Really. But I am busy, and since I really, really want to take note of this sweet time in our lives, I've given up the grand plans to write loads of thoughtful reflections on motherhood and womanhood and familyhood, and my magical, sweet perfect baby and all the rest. For now, you get iPhone pictures and quick musings on life with three kids. And a whole lot of my sweet Hattie Anne. (If you subscribe to my Instagram feed, you may have seen many of these. If you don't and you want to, I'm @jnnfranne.)

Life lately, according to my iPhone (this is going to be long and rambly)...

We had a baby. She is perfect. And though I just told you how crazy three kids is, this is hands down my favorite newborn momming.

This sweet little girl has revived a whole lot of the mommy in me that I hadn't even realized I'd lost. My heart sings every day—even when I'm tired and she's screaming. For two years I wondered if I would ever understand how to make something meaningful out of losing Andrew and Benjamin. I was suddenly more aware than ever of how precious my children were, and how sacred my role as their mommy, but I struggled to really embrace everything that was left as I worried that everything that was left might be all that I got. And though amazing, I just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more. That something more was a sweet, somewhat stubborn (just try to give her a binky), very snuggly, curious and fairly easygoing (except when she is hungry) Harriett Anne.

I am smitten. We all are—especially (and somewhat surprisingly, given how jealous she was leading up to Hattie's birth) her big sister.

I am saving the 500 pictures of Nora kissing and snuggling Hattie for a separate post because there is just so much to say about this big little girl's love for her little sister.

 

In those first few weeks there was a lot of this (still is—feeling a bit hypocritical, given how strongly I've always felt about letting babies sleep on their own),

 

and this (I lived in that rocking chair for the first three weeks of Hattie's life).



There was also very little showering, no make-up, and one four-year-old who was suddenly left to her own devices. Nora has been a champ, though—SO much better than I anticipated—and we've only had two full on tantrums that I can recall (which is amazing, given her naturally dramatic nature).

The new big kid things with which my little girl fills her days while I feed a baby:

Selfies

Those three freckles are my very favorite

Playdoh
(She likes to make cakes and play restaurant, and never lets you see her creations until they're complete.)

Horses
(Luckily, we live across the street from the rodeo grounds. When she's not watching them from our back window, she's playing with her toy horses.)

We were on our way to Porter's soccer game when Nora begged me to pull over so she could take a picture of these horses

Coloring and Drawing
I would also like to do an entire post about her latest creations (lost f pictures of the two of us together, the ABCs written over and over again, and stars, which she just learned how to draw)

 Bike Riding

She is much more independent now—just a few weeks ago, she never would have ridden downhill without my help

 

She also took a sudden interest in the baby dolls that have sat untouched for more than a year, but that has faded now that Hattie is awake a bit more and she can sing and tickle and "pet" (her words, not mine) a real baby instead.

 

All the while, the big brother has been at school after starting second grade the day before Hattie was born.

When he gets home, he wants to ride his bike and play in the tree house with his friends. But in the evening, just as his littlest sister is gearing up for the witching hour, this amazing little man switches into brother mode, and his high-pitched sing-song baby talk is Hattie's favorite sound. She smiles more for him than anyone else. Consequently, any Hattie-Porter time is son interrupted by one very competitive four-year-old who is quick to remind her older brother that she is Hattie's best friend.

In prepping Nora for the baby, I told her all about how important it is to be a big sister because her little sister will look up to her, etc. Nora now regularly tells us all that "When she grows up, Hattie is going to want to be just like me—not Porter."

What else? The first bath...

 

 The first unintentional smile



The first intentional smile (in response to a rattle—she loves the sound of rattles)



Meeting her great-grandparents


 And her equally great grandma (who came to help for a week and then stayed longer when I cried and begged—thank you! I credit this lady, my mom, with the low tantrum count for the big sister. It took Hattie a few weeks to learn to eat properly—including four days of non-stop breastfeeding followed by a week of supplemental tube feeding and pumping—and Nora and I would have killed each other had we been left to our own devices).

  That's right. All that rambling about how magical this baby gig is this time around...that is in spite of three weeks of non-stop crying and almost no sleep. I loved even though I was initially convinced that she was the most unhappy baby ever.

 

It may have helped that I knew the crying was not her fault. She was born tongue tied, and her tongue is not shaped correctly for eating. She had to retrain her muscles to eat opposite her instincts. Suffice it to say, it was a long three weeks, and I was grateful for a husband, sister and mom who all regularly reminded me that it would not last forever.

It didn't, and from three weeks on, she has been a very content little baby.

Though she does more often than not sport a look of concern, confusion or curiosity.

Speaking of milestones...

Nora also started school this fall: preschool (more on that to come later—she's suddenly growing up all too fast).

And she started gymnastics (She's the one waving. They keep the parents far way from the action, and this was the best I could do juggling a hungry baby and a camera phone). She loves both.

AND she lost her first tooth. It's been a big six weeks for this four-and-a-half year old.

Another Nora selfie

The husband and I also marked a pretty big milestone: ten years of wedded bliss. I sure do love this guy. Not only does he still make me laugh, but he's amazing with kids and patient with crying babies. He also cleans the bathrooms and does the laundry (part of a pre-wedding agreement that I am pretty sure he wishes he'd never made). And he's fun. All our best adventures are all his doing.

 
More from the rest of the gang...

As with spring, fall means soccer in the Burt home, and this is Porter's best season yet. Sadly, I've missed most of his games (babies don't love Cedar's robust wind).

After he scored his first hat trick

I've done a whole lot of this

A little bit of this

By "this," I mean the planning of projects. I have yet to FINISH anything I've started (curtains for the nursery, a photo wall and a reading nook for the kids—they need a quiet getaway now that they share a room. And by "they," I mean Porter; his little sister doesn't stop talking, even in her sleep.

 And not nearly enough of this

 ...especially when you consider our surroundings.

I thought we'd be outside every day with a summer baby; I think I forgot how much of a baby's time is spent eating and sleeping. I do have high hopes for fall, though.

We did get out of the house to brave Hattie's first roadtrip though (she did great!), to introduce her to the rest of my family.

Meet my big little brother and my newest nephew—the world's happiest, and second cutest, baby.

While in the big city, we headed to the zoo and hunted down horses our little cowgirl could actually ride.

 

She's talked about it ever since.

Other than that, we've been at home, enjoying the excuse to move a little slower, though the kids get a bit stir crazy at times.

She dresses herself these days.

The recycle bin provided THREE hours of entertainment.

No better way to tease your little sister than to play with her stuff.

 I pray I never forget this sweet time in our lives.

 

We've got our first thumb sucker on our hands. She has refused the binky from day one, and I have officially given up the fight.