Why does Satan get to be in my head?? And why does he (wish I could make that h even smaller, and with that why is he a he?) get to use my voice to do it? I think his voice should sound creepy and scary not like my voice! Then I could easily recognize when he's the one talking and shut him up.
The pro is I'm getting better at recognizing when it's him speaking, but the con is, it still hurts because it's my words, sentance structure, understanding and voice that is used against me. It's so personal. Too personal. It cuts to the depths of my fragile core and leaves the place torn up and even more broken. So much to repair.
Some things are so tricky, Satan being one of those. That said, I also feel bad for the guy. I guess that's another post entirely. For now, I just needed to dump so I could move on or through this current wave.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
I don't want to represent
I'm taking a women's bible study class through a local Christian church. To say that I've loved every single second would be a considerable understatement. I can't even describe to you what I've gained. This year I made it a goal to really study the Bible and to actually read the entire book. I'm using the NSV to do this because sometimes King James is a struggle and I wanted to find something more than checking it off my list. I have at times cross referenced with KJV and someday I'll do it the "right" way and read through that version. For now, baby steps.
Anyhow, I found out about ths class through my friend who attends there and I signed up.
Last night my table of women found out that I'm Mormon. It's not that I've hidden it, I just haven't mentioned it. I don't want to represent the LDS church. Don't read into that statement and don't lose sleep. Seriously, it's face value this- I think there are better people to stand for the LDS church than I. I still have so many unanswered questions and thoughts and I know I can't combat all the negative someone has already heard. There are better people to be representatives for the LDS church. I really just want to show up as a Christian. I find myself more and more in this situation where someone wants to know exactly what church I attend and while I do tell them, "the LDS church.... (long pause and look of confusion) I'm a Mormon," I really just want to say I'm Christian and leave it there. Some would say I'm weak or embarrassed or ...... so many things I could list. It might all be true? In the end why can't I just be a Christian looking everywhere and anywhere for truth?
Anyhow, I found out about ths class through my friend who attends there and I signed up.
Last night my table of women found out that I'm Mormon. It's not that I've hidden it, I just haven't mentioned it. I don't want to represent the LDS church. Don't read into that statement and don't lose sleep. Seriously, it's face value this- I think there are better people to stand for the LDS church than I. I still have so many unanswered questions and thoughts and I know I can't combat all the negative someone has already heard. There are better people to be representatives for the LDS church. I really just want to show up as a Christian. I find myself more and more in this situation where someone wants to know exactly what church I attend and while I do tell them, "the LDS church.... (long pause and look of confusion) I'm a Mormon," I really just want to say I'm Christian and leave it there. Some would say I'm weak or embarrassed or ...... so many things I could list. It might all be true? In the end why can't I just be a Christian looking everywhere and anywhere for truth?
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
"I just want two!"
This morning I dropped Matthias off at summer school. It wasn't of any real significance but the ride to and back home was exhausting. It's about 15 minutes each way. Not a terrible commute for what seems to be an education that's making a difference in many ways for my family.
It was the atmosphere of the car this morning that had me thinking deep.
A couple moments in the last few days have combined to create an understanding I didn't have before. What I do with this will be interesting. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Too often I try to do it alone and time after time fail. For now, that's besides the point and another blog post.
I've been spending time in scripture and prayer and I'm begging God to clean out the cobwebs and for a death to self. I want all of me to be about Him.
I found myself listening and just thinking, I totally feel your pain I want two too! Even as a young child I had food issues. I don't have any direct experience to create this. My mother always fed us well; three delicious meals a day. There was never a time I went without or should have wondered where my next meal was. However, from a very young age I started stealing food from our fridge, food storage and cupboards. I even stole food from my grandma's home and anytime I was babysitting I was searching through their cupboards. (wow I really shouldn't share so much) If I couldn't find anything to quickly shove in my mouth I would turn to eating Tums (medicine) or Vitamin C pills. There was a day I ate so much Vitamin C from our medicine cabinet that I spent a significant amount of time peeing and wondering if I was going to die. I know it sounds extreme that I thought I was going to die but I was a young kid and I regularly wondered if I was dying.
My heart went out to my daughter. I feel her pain of this all the time. I want more and more and will eat sweets without even realizing I'm eating them and then have just a couple more bites. There's no stopping. I'm not saying this is her problem it's just as I listened to her I felt my heart purging its pain and finding hope for a new direction.
We've all been tasked with the responsibility of learning to have control of our bodies (minds, hearts,actions, emotions., etc...) This is one of many areas that I can spend some time working on. I really need to gain some control of my body and its insatiable addiction to sugar.
I'm not sure that I'm ready to make the changes I need to make. I know that as I lean into my Savior, He can clean this out and correct this course of destruction. (I'm not talking about gaining weight or even the negative effect of sugar in our bodies, it's a much deeper destruction I can't really form into words.)
Just something I'm thinking about.
It was the atmosphere of the car this morning that had me thinking deep.
A couple moments in the last few days have combined to create an understanding I didn't have before. What I do with this will be interesting. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Too often I try to do it alone and time after time fail. For now, that's besides the point and another blog post.
I've been spending time in scripture and prayer and I'm begging God to clean out the cobwebs and for a death to self. I want all of me to be about Him.
- First I read an article about gluttony, which is so much more than just eating too much but for the sake of this experience that's what stuck in my head.
- On Friday Kjel and I went out to dinner for our anniversary and I licked the plate clean. I mean I literally, as in the correct use of the word literally, licked the plate clean. At the time it was funny, I laughed, he laughed, all of FB land laughed. I'm cool with that, but it's a piece of this puzzle. It's really not unusual for me to lick my dessert plate clean. Every time I eat dessert I want to lick the plate or bowl clean. I just usually remember my manners and risk of others thinking poorly of me control myself.
- On Saturday, I went to a baby shower and ate two pieces of cake and someones frosting off their slice. Last night I ate two bowls of ice cream. I had to have another. I would have died without one.
- I've many times found myself eating sweets to a degree that it no longer tastes good but I keep eating and eating.
Then, this morning I listened to my daughter scream with absolute heartbreak and devastation that she wanted two granola bars. I had taken a package of two and given one to her and one to her brother. She was beyond recovering and for 30 minutes as we drove she cried and yelled and was beyond any convincing it was going to be okay.
I found myself listening and just thinking, I totally feel your pain I want two too! Even as a young child I had food issues. I don't have any direct experience to create this. My mother always fed us well; three delicious meals a day. There was never a time I went without or should have wondered where my next meal was. However, from a very young age I started stealing food from our fridge, food storage and cupboards. I even stole food from my grandma's home and anytime I was babysitting I was searching through their cupboards. (wow I really shouldn't share so much) If I couldn't find anything to quickly shove in my mouth I would turn to eating Tums (medicine) or Vitamin C pills. There was a day I ate so much Vitamin C from our medicine cabinet that I spent a significant amount of time peeing and wondering if I was going to die. I know it sounds extreme that I thought I was going to die but I was a young kid and I regularly wondered if I was dying.
My heart went out to my daughter. I feel her pain of this all the time. I want more and more and will eat sweets without even realizing I'm eating them and then have just a couple more bites. There's no stopping. I'm not saying this is her problem it's just as I listened to her I felt my heart purging its pain and finding hope for a new direction.
We've all been tasked with the responsibility of learning to have control of our bodies (minds, hearts,actions, emotions., etc...) This is one of many areas that I can spend some time working on. I really need to gain some control of my body and its insatiable addiction to sugar.
I'm not sure that I'm ready to make the changes I need to make. I know that as I lean into my Savior, He can clean this out and correct this course of destruction. (I'm not talking about gaining weight or even the negative effect of sugar in our bodies, it's a much deeper destruction I can't really form into words.)
Just something I'm thinking about.
Friday, July 01, 2016
running and life
I was running with Isaak this morning and found myself saying something realted to running that really just related to life.
We've been running for a couple weeks. Some of the days have been really hard. He's not a natural runner and is only doing this because he wants to be ready for football season which begins mid August. Honestly, I'm pretty sure he hates running. I can respect this and have a lot of respect for him because he's doing hard things so he's ready.
We've had a couple runs this week that were really hard. Really Hard. One morning I was certain the only thing fueling his steps was his anger with me for requiring that we stick to the schedule created.
This morning he wanted to again postpone the run until another day. I only mention this to make a point. I forced us out the door. Mind you, there have definitely been days I didn't want to run either. I just know that if I make up excuses I open that door and we can't open that door.
We stepped outside and began. But today brought us a beautiful and very simple run. It's not that the workout was designed differently but some days this happens, it just goes smooth and you feel great.
He was flying and I could see his demeanor filled with joy at the simplicity of the run. We both felt the ease with which our feet pounded the pavement.
I said, "You know it's the hard days that make bring about these easy ones. It's all the effort and hard work that we've done in teaching our body to continue that creates our bodies ability to have a good day."
record scratch
As soon as I finished the words my heart took them in and I realized how true this is for me as I kick depression and anxiety in the can. Those hard days that I conquer, the ones that feel insurmountable make it possible for me to have days that sail with joy. Hard days are okay. It's okay to have dark days that seem impossible. I need to allow (maybe welcome) the hard days and remember that those days are when I build my strength and bring about the easy joyful days.
We've been running for a couple weeks. Some of the days have been really hard. He's not a natural runner and is only doing this because he wants to be ready for football season which begins mid August. Honestly, I'm pretty sure he hates running. I can respect this and have a lot of respect for him because he's doing hard things so he's ready.
We've had a couple runs this week that were really hard. Really Hard. One morning I was certain the only thing fueling his steps was his anger with me for requiring that we stick to the schedule created.
This morning he wanted to again postpone the run until another day. I only mention this to make a point. I forced us out the door. Mind you, there have definitely been days I didn't want to run either. I just know that if I make up excuses I open that door and we can't open that door.
We stepped outside and began. But today brought us a beautiful and very simple run. It's not that the workout was designed differently but some days this happens, it just goes smooth and you feel great.
He was flying and I could see his demeanor filled with joy at the simplicity of the run. We both felt the ease with which our feet pounded the pavement.
I said, "You know it's the hard days that make bring about these easy ones. It's all the effort and hard work that we've done in teaching our body to continue that creates our bodies ability to have a good day."
record scratch
As soon as I finished the words my heart took them in and I realized how true this is for me as I kick depression and anxiety in the can. Those hard days that I conquer, the ones that feel insurmountable make it possible for me to have days that sail with joy. Hard days are okay. It's okay to have dark days that seem impossible. I need to allow (maybe welcome) the hard days and remember that those days are when I build my strength and bring about the easy joyful days.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
a change
I won't be updating this blog with pictures as often because I've started an Instagram account. The only purpose of this account is to use a company that after 60 pictures get posted will automatically send me a book with those pics in it. I started blogging so I could keep a family "scrapbook" going without all the work. I think that Chatbooks will more easily fulfill this purpose. I plan to continue posting odd random thinkings on this site and an occasionally picture I'm sure will pop up. Here are some recent pictures.
Kjel picked up Clayton in Alabama and they drove to San Antonio for Clayton's summer internship. I really miss Clayton. I'm glad I get to visit him in August.
Here's the college boy with a fresh haircut and some sleep. Glad he pulled through finals.
Nic graduated from Middle School! I've got another High School kid.
Nic with two of his best buds from school.
Anna came with us to graduation. On the way home she gave Nic a great big "Nic hug." That's what she calls it when she wraps her arms around his neck and squeezes the life out of him.
Matthias graduated from Kindergarten!
We had a huge pile of dirt delivered. Another summer yard project is now completed. The yard has only a few more big projects. Crossing our fingers that next year we can cross the rest off the list.
Anna helped me plant tomatoes.
Anna gets to do some fun stuff at our library.
She learned the letter "Z" for Zoo and Zebra.
Monday, May 30, 2016
while i've got a moment
Early Saturday morning I picked Nic up from school. He left on Monday for the 8th grade field trip to Washington DC. He's worked hard this school year earning the money ($700) for this trip. I'm super glad he went because it meant the whole week I only had one school to drop off and pick up. It was brilliant. I'm also glad he went because he was able to visit:
- Gettysburg (including a ghost tour)
- Ford's Theater
- Arlington National Cemetary
- Air and Space Museum
- Capital Tour
- Williamsburg
- Night tour of Monuments
- National History Museum
- US History Smithsonian
Sometimes I can't help snapping a picture of a sleeping kid.
We now have a large patio in our backyard. The big yard projects for the summer are almost finished
We've started planting our garden. This cute kiddo helped me. Looking forward to eating delicious tomato's.
I chopped my hair off and I LOVE IT! It's taken me two years to get the guts to do this. I'm glad I finally did what my heart wanted.
I had an interesting truth given me this morning. When I'm down on myself I'm extremely judgmental of others. Sickly judgmental of others. What do you do with that? I recognize when I'm being judgmental I need to refocus. I can do this is many different ways. I also need to remember to do things that keep me mentally and emotionally healthy. This will keep me further from the negativity that judging whether positive or negative judgments of others brings into my life.
We now have a large patio in our backyard. The big yard projects for the summer are almost finished
We've started planting our garden. This cute kiddo helped me. Looking forward to eating delicious tomato's.
I chopped my hair off and I LOVE IT! It's taken me two years to get the guts to do this. I'm glad I finally did what my heart wanted.
I had an interesting truth given me this morning. When I'm down on myself I'm extremely judgmental of others. Sickly judgmental of others. What do you do with that? I recognize when I'm being judgmental I need to refocus. I can do this is many different ways. I also need to remember to do things that keep me mentally and emotionally healthy. This will keep me further from the negativity that judging whether positive or negative judgments of others brings into my life.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
thankfulness
When cell phones first started touting a camera I was the person who couldn't see any reason to embrace this new technology. I watched the ads and laughed at the idea of pulling out my phone to take a picture. Really, who needs such a thing? I have a camera, I'll just use that!
I am now a fully devoted user of this technology and recognize that just because I don't think I need something doesn't mean that in the future I won't find myself completely devoted to a gadget I once thought to be ridiculous. I now rarely pull out a real camera because--- hey, look whats on my phone. I'd say my picture quality has taken a nose dive but that would be a lie. I've never been much of a photographer. But, I now get to capture more terrible pictures of wonderful moments.
Here's what I recently dumped off my phone.
I love when they curl up in the sunshine and nap. It's just so sweet.
She lives on Broadway and everything has a song attached. She calls this spot in our home her stage. From here she sings and dances and dazzles. I'm spoiled.
One should not get in the tub fully dressed, but if you find yourself wanting to play with someone that's in that tub, it's hard to stay out.
Hooray for older brothers?!?
Sometimes I just snap a picture because she has a smile that melts my heart.
These two are always up to something awesome. Unfortunately, this ended without injury or great story. I was thoroughly disappointed.
Spring football season is on!
At this point, we're almost finished and I'm ready to be done with the drive to practice but I'll miss the games and the smile football puts on this kid. At least until the Fall season starts.
\
I stuck some candy in a few eggs and the three youngest hunted. Not sure where the pictures of Anna hunting went but they all got some candy. The bigger kids got some candy tossed at them.
We had some time this winter when the littlest two were sick and wanted to snuggle. So we spent days doing that. I get antsy just sitting around but I tried to remind myself that they're little and I won't get to snuggle them forever.
Tony got a job at Culver's.
It's got ups and downs but the money is great.
I LOVE when I find this girl awake reading when she's supposed to be asleep.
Not sure if I posted this here or not but Nic got braces.
Isaak had a school project of building an obelisk. He and a friend put this together. Isaak's big contribution to this was some of the artwork on the outside.
I just love these flowers.
We were blessed with a new-to-us couch and in the relocation process one of the pieces ended up broken. At a different home it wouldn't have needed repairs as soon but, we know how to quickly lay things to waste. I nearly cried when I thought about getting rid of the extra seating. We've really enjoyed the time together all in one room. (well, most of the time) So, I got to work at Christmas time making some repairs. My repairs lasted about a month so I begged Kjel to work magic and he did!
I have my two sisters within 6 hours of me. Amy drove up one Saturday and we were all together. I love that we are this close in proximity. The last time we were close like this was many years ago. It may have been when I was torturing them while they shared a room with me?
Older brothers mean great snuggles. So does younger brothers.
For the Kindergarten music performance the kids got to dress up as nursery rhyme characters. We used the same costume from last year but added the red spot to make him look scarier!
Again, big brothers means big snuggles.
Thias found money in the car and started collecting. He had me tell Tony to buy him a light saber and he'll pay him back with this money he found.
The sun has given us some beautiful play days
And some awesome work days. We worked together to tear apart the patio we had made from these rocks and we've built a stone walkway. We have professionals coming to pour us a cement patio. Our patio DIY failed. Sadly, I'm still so concerned with what other people think that after we built this I had nightmares about the neighbors mocking us for not realizing that ripping up a DIY to create another DIY was a bad idea. I really need to move on with my life and stop looking to others for approval. It's one of my goals for 2016, obviously it needs more work.
Check out these dirty faces. We played outside and there's nothing better than a dirty worn out kid. It makes me feel like an accomplished parent.
Matthias gave me this sweet card and flowers for Mother's Day. He clearly knows a lot about me.
All About Mom
My mom is 16 years old.
She likes to play Star Wars with me.
The best thing she cooks is pizza.
Her favorite food is grapes.
Her favorite thing to do to relax is play outside.
We like to snuggle together.
She is really good at throwing the frisbee.
As you can see, my mom is special because she like playing outside with me.
I love finding these cute kids in great sleeping spots.
More older/younger brother snuggles.
Kjel picked up Clayton and took him to San Antonio. My heart is joyful that they're together! It's not long enough and I wish I was with them but I'm glad they got some time with each other.
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