From The Mind Of Ray...

I started this in September of 2004, and this has been my longest journal yet by far. Often, I burn the damned thing before three months are out, just outright depressed about the thoughts in my head.

But more and more, it's harder to keep this up. So, after I back this up, if I can, I'm going to have to go.

In some ways, I'm better for having this. In others, worse. It kept me sane through my move to Winnipeg, a thing that nearly broke me.

Now? Who knows. Thank you all.

Current Mood: tired

Mirrors aren't my friends in the least...

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Current Mood: sore

My knees have been shot since I was 12. Earlier, even, but that is the year I can go, "Yeah, this is when I started wanting a cane."

Been using a cane for a few years now, too. Pretty much when I inherited mine from my Stepfather. Came in handy when I had the bone graft done on my hip, that's for sure.

So, at long last, finally got a doctor willing to go through my various issues, and listened to me when I sounded like I was twice my age getting up from an appointment to get checked out. And now, I'm going back to physio. At least this time I won't be trying to "improve" a limb that is still broken.

While painful and making me cranky, it is hopefully going to help. And is a step in the right direction for me.

Current Mood: tired

Lots of nightmares again, and difficult thoughts creeping in. More lost things that I used to love. I am improving, but will I do so well enough?

Tired, obviously, despite sleeping a lot. Just wish I could do more than stare at this screen or sleep. Just wish I could keep busy in some way.

I'm missing work. I want to work.

Current Mood: tired

Finally getting some things dealt with that have been ignored (not by me) for years. Almost a decade in some cases, well over a decade in others. About time. Yeah, my history with medical professionals has not exactly been, good.

So, quite busy, quite sore as well. Wonderful warm weather, especially for January, but the dampness rattles my plates and screws inside my arm, and the joint aches all the more for it. Other than that, hoping that a cold snap doesn't hit too soon to turn the whole city into a sheet of chunky ice.

Getting out more, but other than that, not much going on. As usual.

Let's see. Finally got a doctor that seems to actually want to treat me. Tried a group thing, failed but tried at least. Stretching myself in some areas indeed. Still working the limited amount I can work. Dad has moved in.

There are good things going on. Just, hard to see when I start getting quite dark, which is far too frequent. But the duration of those are lessening.

I just hope it isn't too late.

Hopefully everyone is safe and warm as the various holidays come upon us, or have passed. Be well!

So, weird fact, my family are sensitives. A number of us have dealt with ghosts of a variety of sorts. Some will laugh, others wonder, but, well, it is what we've had to deal with.

I, for one, predicted a few things that happened. Coming home to a funeral, for example. Otherwise, not much for me. Too much restriction on who I am, what I am, so on. But, every now and then, something gets through.

Awhile back, Mom was in for a surgery. I got a few "visits" of folks telling me to look after her. Dad was the major one, not unsurprising. But another was Marx Fox, a family friend who had passed on earlier after breaking his neck while drunk. He was in and out, mostly out, until the end, when he came back to himself, that little glint and smirk of his, then was gone.

Needless to say, I didn't do a good job of looking after Mom. I can't even look after myself in my current state. But she turned out okay.

Some of those memories came back tonight. No reason, just, on the bus, and there they came.

I just want to sleep.

Tried for the biggest thing I've done in eight years, maybe a decade. Tried a group thing. Mental health attempt at getting better. A room filled with over a dozen people.

Didn't work out in the least. I felt everyone's emotions, which were quite strong, and ended up oversensitive a few days where I saw, heard, and felt everything that happened at the tables as if they were cranked to 200%+. Been a long time since I had to deal with that in a group over six people. It was, overwhelming.

Fighting hard not to take this as a failure, but an attempt that didn't work out. One more step forward. So far, not working...

Current Mood: sore

Screaming at the shadows inside my brain tonight, flailing at them.

Better than the alternative.

Current Mood: exhausted