Cole & Cammie Moore

I have a ton of work to do today. So I am stalling! Stalling so well that I actually pulled up my old blog and though what the heck.This year has been very eventful for Cole and I. We bought a house in Layton this June. One week after having our offer accepted for our home I accepted a teaching job in Magna. It will be a bit of a drive but well worth it. We also celebrated our 5 year anniversary in May. I am not sure I am ready to share the bad event of this year but maybe it will help.



We have been blessed with two special babies this year. We love them both so much. They both miscarried around 10 weeks gestation. The first was February 28th and the second July 18th. Cole and I were so excited at the beginning of this year when I found out we were expecting. We had been trying for seven months without any luck. A few months prior, during a yearly exam, I asked my current dr if he had any suggestions, I was very tired of waiting. He didn't really seem to interested in discussing anything with me. He gave me a prescription for Clomid. That should have been my first warning that he was not the best dr. Who give a woman a prescription for Clomid to get pregnant when she had only been trying for a few months. Anyway, we get pregnant and the dr wants to see me to make sure we don't have multiples. I am so excited to see my little one. It was probably the cutest six week old dot I have ever seen. my heartless dr looks around for a few minutes and says "well your baby will probably miscarry it is smaller than it should be and there is no heartbeat" of course I start tearing up and he shocks me with "you don't need to cry it happens all the time. Come see me in two weeks to see if it has a heartbeat". Are you kidding me. We were so sad a worried. I of course scheduled an appointment with a different Dr. Dr. Joseph is amazing by the way. He did many tests and ultrasounds to make sure that I knew and understood that this little one was gone. The D&C was February 28th. I was an emotional wreck. Lets be honest I still am.



Our second little one was a surprise. Dr. Joseph wanted us to try for a few months before he started us back on Clomid. I went to see him in June to start Clomid. I was late so he wanted to test me. I had not symptoms this time at all so we didn't bother. Later that day curiosity got the better of me and sure enough we were pregnant. Then the random spotting started. Dr. Joseph was in France so his nurses ordered a series blood tests and found that my progesterone level was dropping. I was started on a progesterone suppository. We continued to test my blood every other day. My levels were looking really good. However, one weekend I was bleeding rather heavy. Cole and I went to the ER and low and behold out little one was measuring small and had no hearbeat. Here we go again. To be honest I had a bad feeling from the start. I was jaded and super scared to go through this again. Cole and I went in a few days later for an ultrasound at Dr. Joseph's office. We were surprised to hear the sweetest little heartbeat. It was a bit slow but Dr. Joseph's substitute Dr. gave us a lot of hope. She said the reason I was bleeding was because my uterus is heart shaped with two cavities one cavity contained the baby and the other had some blood. Well my heart shaped uterus is the first strike against Cole and I expanding our family but it is something that can be fixed surgically if needed. We came in a week later and the hearbeat was even stronger. Dr. Joseph was back from his trip thank goodness. He did a routine checkup and everything was great. He wanted me to come in next week just to ease any worries. Well now Cole and I were on cloud nine. We were so confident that things were gong to be okay that I went to the appointment alone. I sat on the ultrasound table and the sweet ultrasound technician and I cried. The heartbeat was gone and our little one had stopped growing. I opted for the medication this time rather than a D&C. I felt guilty being asleep during my first miscarriage. Wow was that a mistake. It is emotionally draining not knowing when and what to expect.



To make a long story short. A few weeks after the miscarriage we did a follow up appointment. Dr. Joseph ordered extensive labs and follow up labs. They found that I have an abnormal gene. The MTHFR gene. Ironic that the acronym kinda looks like the Mother F****R gene. Because it has really screwed up my chances of being a mom. Basically one of my parents gave me a good gene and the other a bad one. For me this means that I potentially could have cardiovascular issues blood clotting issues, depression, the list goes on and on. In terms of fertility my body has a hard time converting folic acid into its active form as well as forming small blood clots. In essence I have been starving my babies by not getting them proper nutrients and blood clotting the placenta so they could grow and develop. Lucky for me I have the most sever for the this mutated gene but my homocysteine levels are normal which means that it is not as big of a deal as we originally thought. I am taking extra folate and a baby aspirin, in addition to my prenatal vitamins. We will see what happens.



The moral of the story is that genes suck. I should have a baby in two weeks and because of my stupid gens and our bad luck it will still be just the two of us. It is very hard to be around new babies and pregnant women without feeling the loss of my little ones. There is a silent suffering that miscarriages bring. How do you answer the dreaded question "do you have any kids? Why?" "When will you have kids". Would it make people uncomfortable to tell them about my little ones? I love them just as much as I would If the were here with us. It feels wrong to not acknowledge them. In our society it is more appropriate to leave it as an unspoken grief. What good does that do?I am still not sure if I want everyone to know. We have told very few people about our miscarriages and the MTHFR gene. Mostly because I was disappointed in others reactions when we let them know about our first miscarriage. My emotions were too raw and I expected people to care as much as I did. But nobody understands how hard it is until you experience it for yourself. Perhaps talking about it will help. Perhaps it wont but its out there anyway. : )