i feel good.  i don't know why.  i feel like things are getting accomplished and everything is mmoving smothly.  life is getting better again and my head is starting to clear.  maybe the sun has something to do with it or it could be that im remembering to take my drugs.  I just feel like im flying through things that have been sitting on my list of things to do.  I still need to get ahold of my mental healh group to figgure out how to do 21 docs at the same time, but that shouldn't be too bad.  I have been contemplating more these days about life and the universe.  I started to remember my dreams again.  my ENT gave me some nasal spray that is helping my head stay less congested durring the night so i am sleeping better.  i smiled earlier like i do when i am feeling good.  i am on the rise so watch out world here i come( i know...bad cliche)  i want to start to go to the gym again.  my car is being a pain in the ass.  the check engine light came on yesterday for no good reason other than it is fucking cold.  well, -9 is cold enough to freeze me, but this is my car.  i have had it 2 winters now, and this is the 2nd winter i need to bring it in.  oh well, warenty work it is.  i have 7 hours of OT this week and i will be getting more toonight.  at this rate i might be able to take friday off and still ahve enough ours for OT pay.  pretty cool if you ask me.  in a few weeks i will get a nice comission on a referal i made.  things are going my way. 

I feel Strung out.  Life is good.  We are thinking of becoming parents soon, and that is causing me stress, yet I know not why.  I am confused, scared, and tired.  I want to go back to my happy place but life is not letting me.  I think more now.  I wonder about things.  Why things happen the way they do and what if they didn't.  I have a nice burn on my arm.  it didn't hurt.  I have a cut on my finger.  it didn't hurt.  both were accidents and yet I look at them and think about why they don't hurt.  I want to feel things again but not much breaks through.  Pain or pleasure feel numb in my heart.  it is like it was before.  the emotions are buried and no way to bring them out. 

I want to fly to a place that noone knows me
A place where i can be free
For once i feel alone in the crowd
Lost, sad, and empty

I want to Cry a river of tears
To show the world of whats inside
The pain and turmoil of living with myself
The hate and love all a mask

I want to Die a death of glory
to be remembered by all
To share my inner most thoughts with the wind
to feel nothing at all

I struck a dog.

I was driving.  Roads are wet.  wasn't going fast (30mph on city streets) and it was not the most well lit street. 

I struck a dog

He came running strait at my car.  a black dog with no leash and no supervision.  parents came out after they hear the screech of my tires as i slam on the breaks

I struck a dog

He was a nice dog.  didn't growl or snap when i came out to check on him.  he had a broken leg.  they took him inside, and the mother is yelling at me.

I struck a dog

I WORK FOR THE DMV she yell ILL GET YOUR INFO.  i offer my info but she wants to do it the hard way.  they go inside, and so i leave.  I call the police and let them know. 

I feel hurt.  betrayed, pain, anger, and just a general shaky feeling. 

I struck a dog

*SOB*

well, my hot water heater spilled water in my basement last night. it sucked. well my shop vac did most of the sucking but the experience was not fun. new one installed already, but i had to get a slightly smaller tank. the old one(50 gal) was too tall so the exhaust pipe had a downward angle into the chimney, and it did not go far enough into the chimney so that was bad. the new one is 40 gal, is a short, more efficient, not leaking, and generally nicer looking. almost got a 50 gal short, but sears was out of them, so we ended up at home depot and it was even cheaper. only about 550$. installed. well....we knew we wanted a new one, but this is not how we wanted to have to get one. oh well....

i am lost with out a path to guide me
I walk along the road and see the choices i make
some for good and some for bad and yet
I walk on, not knowing where i am to go

#1 - RED = 2
#2 - ORANGE = 1
#3 - MAGENTA = 8
#4 - YELLOW = 6
#5 - Logical Tan= 4
#6 - Environmental Tan = 4
#7 - Sensitive Tan = 8
#8 - Abstract Tan = 9
THE TANS
#9 - GREEN = 2
#10 - BLUE = 10
#11 - VIOLET = 6
#12 - LAVENDER = 8
#13 - CRYSTAL = 7
#14 - INDIGO = 10
#15 - RED OVERLAY = 1

My brain is pissing me off
My head is spinning.
I want to run around the house in my boxers screaming at the top of my lungs.
I want to take a nap.
I want to swim
I want to eat
I want to play games on my computer
I want to write the programs i need for work
I want to hit things
I want to network my house
I want to cry
I want to laugh
I want to spin around till i puke
I want to understand the universe
I want my head to empty
I want 30 seconds of silence.

well, today is my 2 year anniversary. I am going out tonight to a nice place with amy. At work my head is spinning with all of the things going on. I want to do so much but have no drive to complete things. yes, i know that is my "ADHD" but i hate it anyways. I feel like i am lost at sea, floating on a bed of my thoughts and dreams. Each one comes to the top and takes focus for only brief periods of time. my friends are all insane, or maybe i am insane and they are the norm. i don't understand people anymore and that is scary. in the past i would be able to decipher a persona in no time flat. now it takes thought and energy. It could be the fact that i am trying to understand the change in people, something i have never been able to do before due to lack of lasting friendships. some days i hate being smart. I don't want to know what i know. It is too much of a burden. I cant keep my mouth shut when i should. I want to explode but can't light the fuse. i am confused and spinning out of control. somebody save me.

I am going out of my mind. Everything is racing too fast. things are going left and right. i have ambition but no drive. well, onto other thoughts now

( My facination with sharp objectsCollapse )