not alot to say right now, struggling to find a decent job, even in the big(ger) city that i thought would be no problem to come up with something. anyhow, until things get moving i probably wont be tending to my lj much, but anyone who still reads this, please feel free to hit me up on myspace, i seem to use it a bit more. my link is http://www.myspace.com/kkaaoossdddeeeeeezzzaaa oh, i am going to catch the prodigy in chicago, the first time they've played more than just one or two u.s. dates since 1998 on the fat of the land tour. i am in fucking euphoria over it, nothing could be better than getting to catch their show in a 3000 cap. venue, my oh my this is going to be intensity. i'll be going by myself so if anyone in the area is interested, as of last night tix were still on sale. Current Music: the prodigy |
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Lord of War has to be the most amazing film I've seen in a very long time. If you have not seen this you must watch it soon. I don't want to hype it up or say much of anything about it to spoil it. Get it and watch it or ask me for it and I will watch it with you.
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Jan. 3rd, 2006 @ 03:42 am
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fuck time. fuck years.
had a fun december 31/jan01 morning tho. cool girl named kristalynn let me tag along to some kick ass parties that had metal bands playing, well mostly 1 party was kick ass with metal bands playing and it was good. wanted to start a new vision of indianapolis with some underground music and a new friend.
anyhow, i just spent 6.5 hours on a portrait via inkpen. will try to post a scan of it soon, am going to give copies of it to my friends who help inspired. also inspired by these quotes: tool - reflection 'and we will come to find, that we are all one mind.' bill hicks 'we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively.' well you will see it soon hopefully, if i dont post it and you would like to then im me @ fasdljf.
48hrs no pk's.
must have a bit soon but doing good on taking many days off between dose.
much love
deeeeeeeeeeeeeee333za Current Mood:  2beers1shot after drawing/ 4am Current Music: pink floyd - pulse |
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Dec. 19th, 2005 @ 11:27 pm
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from one eye i feel that i've been torn to shreds and left for the wolves, from another merely lost terms with myself...
but there is no myself, i'm far to diverse to fall into a small set of classifications...
i have been and am a variety of different things, complete randomness, chaos in motion...
triumph is for the man who will gather these pieces and use them for one important goal...
but this goal is as an ever changing entity of achievements that are awaiting completion...
(much similar to a group of ducks in a pond, in the way that they have seen their brothers fall to a worthy, focused marksman throughout their short lives. now they are only floating on that pond until another such man comes to destroy their flesh and end their existence for sport, or rarely, for feed.)
now i have been the ducks for many years, but at one time i was the marksman...
and it takes the marksman to shoot out these goals floating in the pond of human existence. Current Mood:  focused Current Music: tool/undertow |
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whats real:
i am a college graduate
whats not:
let me be the first to pop my fucking bubble and send me hurrrrrling back to reality. there is no fantasy life, no matter what a girl tells you, she is only out for her own good, sobriety is going to be really fucking fun, and life will never be as perfect as it seemed for a year and a half.
get my job, project my visions.
'save it baby, i don't care.'
its coming time to take this masochism and self-hatred and flush it right the fuck back up the hole in my brain that it came in through. i wont let me get the best of myself. Current Mood: calm Current Music: neil young - after the gold rush |
| » sausage is goood, bacon is gooood, sleep is goooood |
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slept til fuckin 2:30pm naturally today, by that i mean usually i wake up and then make a conscious decision to crash out for a cpl more hours, not today, the only time i woke up was 11am and it was because i was in a coughing fit, as soon as it ended i was out w/o even thinking that i should get up... but all is good, i was up til about 4 in the am on a 3hr conversation so that was nice, i drained some nyquil and i think maybe that is why i slept so heavy, but the night before i did the same and i woke up at 9am naturally? ahh this is why i call myself kaos, my natural way of life is random and chaotic...
okay so i've made a list of everything i have to get done for school to finish out the semester, doesnt look bad but it'll definately keep me busy... now graduating isnt the problem, its securing a good job so i can finally be out on my own and start knocking down my life goals
so i've conquered a decent bit of homework today, i may still write a paper or atleast start on one, but for now i am nice and influenced and am going to work on a piece of art that i envisioned from last night's phone conversation. yes that is right, most people are cozied up with their favorite sitcom in order to provide themselves with some entertainment, while i prefer to create something, that is right, i may be consuming a pepsi and a cpl other things while doing it, but damnit my consume:create ratio is higher than most and i am quite proud.
thank you have a nice night
Dec. 1st, 2005 @ 07:00 pm
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my biggest desires always get shot the fuck down
what a great sign of fucking life
friday night, looks like i'll be sitting around home, alone, and shortly i'll probably be high enough that it will drive me insane. thank you, good night.
Nov. 25th, 2005 @ 09:09 pm
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not much more than 24 hours after my last post of loneliness and depression...
life makes a complete 180...
i've now something to be thankful for
a beautiful soul entered my life and it seems as though the enjoyment is mutual. mandiakay, she's made my day...
loneliness is a plankton at the bottom of the ocean with this fascinating young lady...
where we go from here can only be positive as two similar entities are even greater when combined
cho is out, tonight i sleep well.
Nov. 24th, 2005 @ 12:18 am
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| » lonely sickness blues.... |
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ahh but theres no one around to hear the screams inside of my head
ahh and theres no one around when i shout for my head to consume itself
and theres... no one.... no one around
lonesome
lone sickness
thanksgiving...thankful for what?
thankful to be alive?
this is not life it is fucking death
we just cover it up well
some of you are living
surrounded by the warmth of a loved one
the ones that love me i cannot love back
the ones that i love and cherish to the bottom of my heart
they cannot hear my screams when i cry for their company
their warmth
compassion
conversation
for fucks sake
thankful for what
thankful for moments other than these
thankful for the fucking past
the future
but fuck the present
there is always the future
there will never be the past
there will only once be the present
'i don't know why'
'i cannot explain myself'
'we can still be friends'
but where are the real friends, the ones that won't sell me out for another
who is it that won't trade me in for the more exciting fuck punt
you won't trade me in will you
you won't
or maybe i should trade myself in
trade it all in for a walk in the park
they say the few seconds of remembrance is equivalent to a lifetime
when passing that is
sounds fucking beautiful to me, pass me the fuck on
deliver me to some fucking place filled with thiefs, cheats, liars
i am none of the above, i've never been one of the above
but yet i am FUCKING SURROUNDED BY THEM
Nov. 22nd, 2005 @ 09:02 pm
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| » randomness |
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and in this perfect weather, we'll find a place together
okay so i just turned up my speakers and that is exactly what came out.
i'm very excited for this weekend and hope it goes well, i don't ever want to feel like a failure like i used to and that feeling came back so quick, i've done everything to fight it and i really think it is going to pay off. this probably makes no sense to anyone except me but that is fine, this is MY digital memory =P
about 5 weeks and i'll have a bachelor's degree in information technology with a graphic art design minor. where i go from there.... no one knows, all i know is i want a secured job position and a start on life, that is all... be it with or without a significant other in my life, i will be very content with knowing i am starting in the right direction. and i will work to make that happen. i am talented and have skill to offer in the right job position. but with a friends advice, i've come to learn that finding a good girl to share life with is a simple matter of statistics. the more exposure you can break your way into, the better chances you have. judging by my past two experiences i find a girl that matches up in about 1 out of 10-15. not so bad i dont think, i'm a good guy, i know how to treat a girl, and should be successful in leading an enjoyable life. my looks are decent, i have my flaws but who doesn't, i can put up with personality flaws if the girl can put up w/ my physical flaws.
yeah so i'm wasted and this is certainly randomness. first day in a week off of painkillers and it is certainly necessary. under no circumstance will i form that habit again, it is in no way worth the consequences. i do miss the sense of perfection i had with my former lover...my oh my... i better not get started on that subject or this post will be infinite. i was really convinced i had what i needed in a love life. no fighting and infinite moments of shared euphoria... i'm glad it ended on a decent note, i think in some strange way, some strange day, that attraction could live on. doubtful but possible. the person i knew then no longer exists, and i should have known that was going to happen...and i did know...but i was a sucker when she told me it wouldnt.
but i'm onto new things that appear to be promising... this is one of the signs that proves to me i'm meant to be an artist, the way i'm affected by love. i can't be a player or any of the dumbshit, i just want to have someone who feels as strongly about me as i do them and wants to share passionate moments for a lifetime.... i'd be perfectly happy. that level seems so close, but so far away.
powers that be, i do no wrong, let me live happily. this seems that you've given me exactly what i want and if so, i am forever grateful.. .i'm not sure how to return the favor at this moment, but when that moment of clarity hits, you best believe that i will not forget your deliverance. please, all mighty, don't let it be a fluke...
Nov. 4th, 2005 @ 12:15 am
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