So miserable.
CRC is usually the highlight of my month and this month it was just ruined. I know it's not MY club but it's my refuge from all the crap involved with the rat fancy and it's been fucking tainted. One less thing to bother getting up for.
We've lost a string of rats in the last 2 weeks.. Tiptoe, Grail, Shucks, Lexi. One was always runty and one had something wrong with her but it's still crap. Have left a message for Lizzi hoping she picks it up sooner rather than later.

Still no proper diagnosis. Saw a doctor the other day who mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder and immediately got stuck thinking of Girl, Interrupted and stopped paying attention. I may not even have it. Who knows. Or cares.
All I know is I can't take another day like this. I used to have things to fill up the days like I dunno being on forums but now the novelty's worn off only a few decent people ever bother to reply to anything. There are so many people with accounts on FR who don't use them. I just wish I could have mine back, you don't know how big a part of your life something is til it's gone and it feels like I have nothing left in mine.

they want to section me.
i dont know if i should do it. id be able to come home every day to see the animals but.. the whole reason i feel so shit is that i have nothing to do, nothing to focus on that makes me happy. wtf are they going to give me to focus on in the hospital?
the head consultant psychiatrist said he doesnt think i'm depressed but he does think i'm mentally ill. gee, how helpful. he wants me to go in.
i asked them wtf i would do stuck in hospital all day
they couldn't tell me!

i would do it. i would. but i can't. if i leave my animals now i get labelled as the person who abandoned her animals because she had mental problems. nobody would home to me ever again and i sure as hell wouldn't be able to keep my lines going.. and they're so precious to me.

and this is SHIT.
i can't even write what i want - anywhere - unless i make this private. because even if she's not reading it herself her friends are and no doubt they're relaying it all to her and she's spinning it into me being an unfit owner. i'm sick of not being able to say what i want, i feel like i'm being spied on ever since "someone" told FRA that i'd mentioned being able to use mum's account (nvm the fact that I was bullshitting and never actually used it >_<) on PCG. that's 2 people who use both forums. I would like to think it's not Sarah who told them this because Sarah is lovely and I would like to be her friend. Which leaves me with only one other person.

well guess what.
I FUCKED UP.
2 years ago I FUCKED UP. I didn't do well by my rats. I fucked up. I can write this as many times as you'd like and it will not change the fact that I fucked up. Nor will it change the fact that I tried so fucking hard to turn things around and I think I managed it. But I know I can never escape my own mistakes. Which is why I can't give them up now.

i'm sorry
i'm not in the best frame of mind
i just don't know what to do anymore, im ready to give up, and i had to write something somewhere

20
never had a proper relationship
never really wanted one until now
but you know the old cliche.. when you're single everywhere you look there's couples in love. it used to just make me bitter and mean. now i'm just really really sad. i'm lonely. i want someone to be able to love me.

there are 2 people who i care deeply about, 1 who i believe is my soulmate and i'd lay down my life for her. i've known her 8 years.. almost a decade. I don't know when I fell for her but it was early.. and I've been head over heels in love with her for the past 3 years at least.. but it's not going to happen. She doesn't want me right now.

and the other.. eh.. he's my Liverpool Boy.. he saw a picture of me in a Book of Albion online back in 2004, posted on the Libertines' forum asking who that girl was.. sounds like the start of a fairytale relationship.
But the relationship never happened.
He lives there, I live here, he says distance is the issue, I don't believe him because I have friends near him who I could stay with for weeks at a time if I wanted.. it's not distance, it's me. I don't know what about me it is but it's me. And he won't admit that.

Dancing makes me feel better. Dressing up and dancing to songs I love.. but I don't have friends here. I can't go by myself because of anxiety and yknow, not wanting to get raped.. i feel so trapped.

I know it's all entirely selfish. But I want to know what it's like to be looked at the way my friend's husband looks at her.. or to have someone to hug whenever you need it. To know someone would put your life before theirs.. to know that someone genuinely thinks you complete them.

I want to know what it's like to have sex! >_< but i dont want to just go out and shag a random stranger.

I just sometimes wonder if there is anyone out there who's meant for me.

In your brain you've got something to prove
To all the smirking faces and the boys in black
Why can't they be pleasant?
Why can't they have a laugh?

He's got his hand ion your chest (now I know only one person who has the evil power to shove their hands into people's chests and rip out their souls. and it ain't a he),
He wants to give you a duff
Well secrectly I think they want it all to kick off
They want arms flying everywhere and
Bottles as well, it's just
Something to talk about
A story to tell.

Well I'm so glad they turned us all away
We'll put it down to fate




I had total brainfreeze and forgot his surname and now it looks weird.
Alex Turner?



ohshi that kate moss song has made its way onto my mp3 player



is she moar bootiful than me?

ya k8 rly.


this Twilight - New Moon book is SHITE.
I mean it's technically "good" but it's awful ):

my friend
just bought
a brand
new mo-
torbike
he rides
it eve-
rywhere
he had
a crash
fell off
he died

he goes to the hospital
and he's alive again!
he's alive again!
he's alive again!
he's alive again!

motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'
motorbikin'

please tell me
is there a chance?
i need to know!
will he ride again?
will he ever
ever
ride again?




oh man the memories

( MemeCollapse )

Ooohhh
There's a campaign of hate
It's waiting at the school gate
Not for what I am aware
Must be wrote, what you write
What you swore, what you swear
And remember why you came:
Not to play follow the leader, oh no

Chilli gave birth to 9 on the 22nd, all seem to be doing well. No SFs.

I finished the first Twilight book yesterday and would want the time back if I had a decent use for it. This is possibly the first book ever that I think will be far superior in film-form.
I am so bitter than the author has done so well, too.. The writing is pretty flat as far as I'm concerned (and yes I am going to better it with my own Magical Novel Series hah).

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

I haven't forgotten you.. its coming up to a decade since you died and I still miss you.
I'll be your best friend always little vampire boy :( miss the days we played

Jem x

Ricky Astley: We're no strangers to love! You know the rules and so do I. If full commitment's what you're looking for, you wont' get this from any other guy. I just want to tell you how I'm feeling, want to make you understand! Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye! Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!
Lugia Uchiha: o.o
You say, "OH &$!?"
You say, "RICKROLLED IN NAIA"

LATER THAT EVENING...

Zoundz says:
video i took in ireland! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
STIJVE says:
oooo
...
Zoundz says:
* * *dies laughing*
STIJVE says:
YOU FGGIN BITCH
...
STIJVE says:
RICKROLLED DAMNIT

http://youtube.com/watch?v=e4S3DnupfzQ

oldskool Jem :O:O and shaggy Dom lol

Rocky says:
i passed piss test !!!!!
Jem says:
wow
Jem says:
how
Rocky says:
did a wee

..........................................................