(very) personal
[Read more]So,my best friend and I stopped talking/being friends a week ago.
And I've been a mess.
I haven't been able to even open my thesis work, and the deadline is weeks away - days if I want beta....
I've had trouble sleeping and so forth, have had a stress headahe for days now. And that is NOTHING on how I feel emotionally. Every day I wake up and have to remember again how horrible the day is going to be, and it's horrible again .....
When we ended things, I kept telling myself - that is it, we will never talk again. And it was horrible, but at least it was stable, there was some relief and quiet about it. then a few days ago she 'liked' a post of mine on Tumble (about this), and that opened the option, and made it even more unknown and unstable.... she doesn't even follow me there, she would have had to go through so many posts about, idk, pretty dresses and J2, to even find that....
There's been this talk going about Dean, that the reason Sam sent him to Lisa at the end of season 5 is that Dean needs someone to love and care for or life seems without purpose. If I needed confirmation about how similar early season Dean and I are....
One of the main reasons we did this is - well. For months now she's been zigzaging about the depth of the relationship she wanted with me, at times saying some truly horrible things. She said this was some emotional thing that she needed to work through and the horrible things were not true, started therapy, then stopped talking with me entirely, returned again, stopped again.... it's been devastating, and it's also been a truly bad timing, the very important days before my thesis deadline....
And having these two narratives, I have the bad things from both. If it was about her fear of intimacy, as she said time and again - it's impossible for me to truly let this go. And it hurts way more, not entirely done, not entirely behind me. I know I should let it go on my end - I'm the one who ended it.... but that is about all I am able to let right now....
And then is the other narrative, where I wanted to be super-close (not)heterosexual life mates, because I'm a weirdo who wants friends that are more than blood family.... and that is not friendship but something different - and no one else wants that....
and if that is true then seriously, what is even the point....
:(:(((
ETA it helped a bit to write this, though
And I've been a mess.
I haven't been able to even open my thesis work, and the deadline is weeks away - days if I want beta....
I've had trouble sleeping and so forth, have had a stress headahe for days now. And that is NOTHING on how I feel emotionally. Every day I wake up and have to remember again how horrible the day is going to be, and it's horrible again .....
When we ended things, I kept telling myself - that is it, we will never talk again. And it was horrible, but at least it was stable, there was some relief and quiet about it. then a few days ago she 'liked' a post of mine on Tumble (about this), and that opened the option, and made it even more unknown and unstable.... she doesn't even follow me there, she would have had to go through so many posts about, idk, pretty dresses and J2, to even find that....
There's been this talk going about Dean, that the reason Sam sent him to Lisa at the end of season 5 is that Dean needs someone to love and care for or life seems without purpose. If I needed confirmation about how similar early season Dean and I are....
One of the main reasons we did this is - well. For months now she's been zigzaging about the depth of the relationship she wanted with me, at times saying some truly horrible things. She said this was some emotional thing that she needed to work through and the horrible things were not true, started therapy, then stopped talking with me entirely, returned again, stopped again.... it's been devastating, and it's also been a truly bad timing, the very important days before my thesis deadline....
And having these two narratives, I have the bad things from both. If it was about her fear of intimacy, as she said time and again - it's impossible for me to truly let this go. And it hurts way more, not entirely done, not entirely behind me. I know I should let it go on my end - I'm the one who ended it.... but that is about all I am able to let right now....
And then is the other narrative, where I wanted to be super-close (not)heterosexual life mates, because I'm a weirdo who wants friends that are more than blood family.... and that is not friendship but something different - and no one else wants that....
and if that is true then seriously, what is even the point....
:(:(((
ETA it helped a bit to write this, though
