If I hadn’t been looking for them I might have missed them. Missed him. The dark shadows who began to slip around the edges of my vision, following my movements, waiting for me to slip up.
So I became more cautious. My trips to the library were put on hold, my raids on the communal gardens were too. With the staring frontage of the white-walled jail watching me every time I left my home I hardly needed to be reminded of the perilousness of my existence. With my food supply limited to what I could grow myself I became thinner, wracking my brain for a way I could stretch out my few winter vegetables to last me until spring.
But it didn’t matter how I did the maths, there wasn’t enough, I wasn’t going to make it. Now when I ventured out I realised that not all of the shadows I saw were the Order of Black watching me, some were the holes in my vision where hunger was beginning to take it’s toll on my senses.
With perhaps a week to go until starvation I realised my only option. I’d hidden at first to establish myself away from the word which hated me and then because I didn’t need it or its judgement. Now there was nothing stopping me from once again entering their space. The Black Order knew I was alive so why shouldn’t everyone else.
The next day I walked boldly into the center of town, purposely avoiding the paths which I’d always used before and refusing to shrink away from the busy streets. With the winter festival in town there were families everywhere and I watched as brightly coloured parents pulled their children behind them, turning their eyes away from the freakish outsider in their midst.
I pretended not to see or care and went straight to the middle of town, knowing that the bins would be overflowing with the leftovers of these happy little outings. Not caring who saw me I stuck my head in the closest dustbin and was rewarded with a half eaten hotdog. As a horrified circle opened up around me I devoured it, concentrating only on the sensation of the cheap meat settling in my stomach.
I stayed there all afternoon, filling my stomach with lukewarm tidbits and my pockets with more for the next day. I occasionally caught glimpses of my shadow on the edges of the crowd, it looked today like the same guy who had been sent to tidy me up but I couldn’t tell at this distance, they just looked like silhouettes.
I passed the rest of the winter in a similar way, the townspeople soon becoming accustomed to the vagrant in their midst and ignoring me, much as they did the greys who I sometimes found eying the same half drunk hot chocolate as me. Once I was brave enough to approach a young grey woman who I’d seen a few times, I’d let her take the pie, there was a lot left and I’d seen her before with a small child. But as I began to speak she looked nervously over her shoulder before fixing her expression to one of disdain and hurrying away.

I supposed maybe she had caught sight of my shadow or perhaps the green police officers who sometimes tailed my movements around town in case I suddenly decided to break the law in plain sight.
The day I first saw a rabbit and realised the snow was meting and winter coming to an end was a happy one. I looked forward to being able to support myself again without scavenging, to expanding my garden and trying out the makeshift fishing rod I had made from scrap wood and an old line found in a bin.
Most of all though I couldn’t wait to not have to be among the studied obliviousness of everyone in town, to be alone rather than just feel alone. Spring filled me with a new hope and I turned my back on the cold desperation of winter and swore next year would be better.
A hammering at my door awoke me at the crack of dawn one morning and I stared blearily through the door at Tayberry Brooks’ finest, the green officers of the police station.
‘Winter Bleach?’ they demanded.
I nodded.
‘We have a warrant to search your home for items of illegal colour. Open this door or we’ll break it down.’
Glancing around to check that I was safe I hurried to open the door, I didn’t want to have to work out how to rehang it and replace the hinges and there was nothing for them to find except the books under the floor.
After shoving their way in and tearing the place apart, the floor being pretty much the only thing they didn’t pull apart the officers left, their stares promising they would be back and left me standing outside the wreckage of my home.
Most of my makeshift furniture was beyond repair, scuffed and cracked beyond use. The only mercy was that they’d left my garden unscathed, their green education probably not informing them that the scrubby little bushes were of any value. I’d once seen a brown girl at school punished for mocking an orange who thought potatoes just appeared in sacks, seems he wasn’t the only one to think that.
As I made my way back into my home to see what bedding I could pull together for the chilly spring night to follow I became aware of the unwelcome shadow of the Black Order behind me.
Emboldened by my anger at what had just happened I abandoned my usual policy of ignoring them, spinning to confront the man and shocked to find him much closer than he had ever been before.
‘What the fuck do you want? Haven’t you all done enough harm for one morning?’
The young man who I could now tell was the same one who had been sent to check on me seemed shocked by my vehemence.
‘Um…. I’m so- sorry about your house.’ He stuttered. His soft voice and stutter were completely at odds with the usually commanding voice of the Order of the Black. Reaching in to his jacket he pulled out a slim volume with a creased brown cover which he tentatively extended towards me. It looked like some sort of gardening manual.
‘I…. I saw your garden and I th-thought this might help you.’
At first I was stunned into silence and then almost without realising I began to reach for the book, the kindness was so alien to me that I just reflexively did as he asked. At the last moment I realised the danger and snatched my hand back…. I wasn’t allowed that book. No doubt the green policemen were just round the bend, waiting to pounce upon my illicit reading material.

Backing up as fast as I could I shook my head.
‘No. Just leave me alone! Can’t you all just leave me alone?!’
The black man looked almost disappointed at my reaction, I could have sworn I saw regret in his eyes but I’m sure I imagined it; it’s almost impossible to decipher any emotion in the dark chasm of the Black Order’s gaze. Turning my back I rushed indoors and shakily banged the door shut, glancing back only once to see the shadow man still standing holding the book, looking somehow lost.
The next morning I stirred from a broken night’s sleep to find the book lying on the steps. Now I was closer I could see it was a guide to over-wintering vegetables, it even had a diagram of a thing called a greenhouse, a special room to keep plants warm, I itched to read it but I left it there, not even daring to touch it to throw it away.
My shadow was noticeably absent the next few days and there was no sign of the greens either. If I didn’t know better I’d think they had just given up and left me to my own devices. But I did know better, I knew well enough that my presence here on the edge of town was like having an insect bite on your back. You couldn’t see it, couldn’t touch it but you knew it was there and that you hated it.
Knowing this I found the silence sinister, the lull before the storm where the anticipation is as electric as the lightening to follow.





























































