the blog of thide

life has been going well. today i bought Gravity's Rainbow and The Pale King. i was at barnes & noble, so of course i probably could've also bought The Tatami Galaxy had i looked for it, but i just plain forgot. and anyway, i dont want to get ahead of myself while i still haven't finished Infinite Jest or even House of Leaves (i paused the latter to start reading the former). but anyway, i organized my nightstand/bookshelf and i sorted up all of my stuff, not by name or anything, but by category. i sorted it sloppy (i just put things in by physical size of the book, i think), sure, but i know where everything is. the top left area are all fiction novels (A Wrinkle in Time, Fahrenheit 451, etc.), the top right are all other kinds of fiction (Scott Pilgrim, Calvin & Hobbes, etc.), the bottom left (second shelf) is instructional/educational/guidebook stuff (what if?, The Art of UNIX Programming, etc.), and the bottom right is entirely barren because i just honestly do not have that many books yet (at least, not ones i want in my bookshelf. i have like two shitty joke books from when i was like 5 which i allegedly used to teach myself how to read, which i used to bother the living shit out of anyone around me while i carried it). i only recently started having a more general want to read things, which sounds weird, but as you may know one can live a life without reading anything, living in Da Streetz and having nothing on their person at any time, and i want to live the opposite life, because reading is cool.

@ the dentist, i didnt really talk much and i generally tried to keep quiet but there was a point in which the Main Dentistry Guy whose name was like Aaron or Adam or something started on a whole thing about me not paying attention and how it "tells a story you know" which was something he did as a grand misinterpretation of not being able to see me silently nod or then me mistaking him nudging me(??????) for bumping into my shoulder while messing with some esoteric tooth apparatus and thus ignoring the nudges entirely (until, like, the fifth nudge where i then realized what they were). i didnt really do anything about the spiel he gave but i felt he was a smart guy and he didnt really know much about me so for all he could've known i was a total douchebag, which isnt the impression i wanted to give at all, but alas i tend to treat clinical spaces like the military, i dont speak unless prompted (and there were a few times where i confused the sort of Unnecessary Casual Banter they let you ignore (mostly anything that ends in OK? counts, as well as the So how was your? as long as you give a brief enough answer w/o looking too as if you specifically disagree with the idea of banter) with the sort of Entirely Necessary Statements they expect you to nod to or whatever). the incident messed up my mood for a couple hours, but i moved on.

you know, david foster wallace's method for writing that book i blog about so often makes me realize that just generally tends to be how it is when someone imagines an entire world and then has to write about events in a medium that requires linear time, as the imaginer of an entire world generally tends toward total omniscience over all time and space all at once. i feel the urge to write like that every time i decide to start writing a blog after more than one thing has happened. what order do i put them in? surely not chronological! such blasphemy! i'd never write events in the order they occur!

first: i realized a method to my computing; i tend to have "stable" and "experimental" computers. i use stable computers every day for my usual purposes (e.x.: web-surfing, music, instant messaging, games, &c.), and experimental ones for computing for computing's sake (e.x.: compiling programs, doing fancy ricing stuff, sometimes foregoing a desktop entirely in favor of the tty, distrohopping, &c.). i sort of like this system... i guess? its ok. its some habit ive found myself in rather than one i engineered.

then: one of my peers had the geocaching app installed, and it reminded me that at one point i wanted to do that. so i said ok ok ok let me do that. i will do it To Day! and i installed the app and found i already had an account because i got way too ahead of myself when i first discovered it, and i logged in and it directed me to one at my local library (which is within walking distance) and then i remembered, like, man, i dont really know where anything is! but nonetheless the library is one of the only places i can walk to with no help at all,¹ so its nice to find that there is a beginner-friendly cache situated in the parking lot of my local library. so i decided Let's Go and then backed up and went Wait, Hang On, Let's Do This on the Weekend. and thusly my geocaching venture is stalled until then.

i have just checked my calendar. Oh No! i have a party to go to on the 15th! and also, gossip gossip, i was invited to a hangout on the 14th but i dont really want to go but i told them i did because i did until i was invited to a party on the 15th. will i have any time to cache? we shall find out!

¹ now that i have Rei, i have all that fancy GPS and Cellular stuff, which surprisingly i have lived w/o entirely until now. but that means i have a map at my disposal while traveling.

p.s.: some names i had for a hypothetical next computer (im not getting ahead of myself! paralizer is brand new! i just like to name things, ok?)
ne+ultra (formatted as neUltra for hostname/address purposes)
Fukai
Arco
Yukikaze (this is what i want to name it the most, but my dad had a laptop named that (the power-source or whatever failed) and he says that name is reserved(??? like with the LAN or within the family or...?) and i dont think hes going to be using it since he has one of those fancy ULTRA-M4 OS X macs that last 5 william years and its already named Kojin (個人) so i should use this one yup yups.) (for context, Yukikaze is the name of the fighter jet and/or the sentient AI embedded into the fighter jet from the manga/anime Battlefairy Yukikaze (戦闘妖精・雪風). rest assured it is not one of those popular animes, which are either about high school or excruciatingly extreme violence.)

man, oh, man. tech! tech! tech, man. it's so confusing, man.

i want to add an old-web directory to my w10 site. it'll be a list of stuff i know of. crosstalk, protoweb, frogfind, stuff like that. for ease of access.

and, also, i uninstalled discord and installed vesktop, for custom themes and plugins, but it doesnt detect when tauon is open. so now nobody on discord can see what im listening to. i kind of liked having it there, on my account. what i listen to. my taste is considered really bad anyway.


uh... there was more to say... i wrote a reminder on my phone.



no, it just says "move over vesktop datums" and "oldweb dir"...

uhhhhh....


i dunno. totally had more to say. i think. anyway, im gonna start on that directory.

today is good.

i think ive figured out a better definition for my strange exercise in conceptualism in thought and the psyche, previously called "indescribable", which is: thought. i am writing about thought. i think philosophy is too strong a word, despite how often i find myself about to type it. philosophy, to me, is more the hypotheticals capable of explaining how coincidental it is that this big explosion happened out of nothing and then some random rocks and stuff started forming and then more and more chemicals came to be and then via completely random event there started to be living things, competing for life, and then eventually they began to contemplate how they are alive. essentially, philosophy is the self looking inward, and then at its mother. thought is everything looking at everything else, a big party of glances.

i did nothing productive today. as per one of the posts in the alt tag i made for posts that are not posts that are the standard format that is what is being read by you now, probably, [it was not in the alt tag, because it was a preface to a normal post, but i'm keeping this run-on sentence here because i like it] that doesn't really matter to me, because one of my philosophies is that as long as you enjoy what you're doing and you don't feel any Xtreme Rgrets, "Xtreme" being, like, cripplingly unable to continue because of it, then you're fine. life is a tree, and as long as i find the leaves beautiful i dont care what branch i'm on.

and, too, i think the convoluted, frustrating, complex kind of thought it is is enjoyable. life is one big coincidence. how come there's no concept that makes your head explode whenever you think about it because it's actually a living creature from another dimension that has self-defense reflexes relating to being thought of or about, based off of the world it lives in in which its inhabitants are tangibly altered by fictions relating to or including them within their contexts? i mean, isnt a world made entirely from chance destined to have some strange random occurrences? like a bizarre both-alive-and-not construct that happens to look like a house? or a film that is so entertaining it kills whatever views it? but, hell, that's already a thing! it's just that nobody notices it. i mean, random objects began to move of their own accord based off of a highly-inefficient fuel thingy that just came about, i guess, and it's called life, and nobody bats an eye. because there's always rational explanations. these dull sciences, gravity, color, reaction; they're all the collective crawling-about of the darkened room and making sense of its quadrilateral boundaries. everything is conceptually sound, and all the strange random occurrences coincidentally abide by the foundational rules of existence. maybe this world we all live in is a work of fiction made up by one singular living sentience that lives in another universe. maybe this isn't true, but there still is a living sentience imagining everything that's happening right now, verbatim, via combined ability of random chance, boredom, and an extremely powerful imagination.

relating to this, i find it pleasant that whenever i consider or discover some of this kind of thinking, however describable it is, i always understand it and then come across another, eventually. the steps of thought cease not yet.

and, maybe all of this conceptual, abstract thought stems from that i spent a lot of my time in leisure. i'm young! i don't work a 9-to-5, i'm not gruel'd by the short-sighted governments, hell, i'm never even questioned by my peers or friends or even strangers. i'm free to consider myself anarchist or marxist or buddhist or atheist or whateverthehell, because i don't have to put it to practice and it's never challenged and i am free from responsibility. and i kind of hate it, for being so antithetical to what i mean sometimes, but i kind of love it, because, what, i'm expected to want to work?

the forefront of my mind: i have just discovered anna's archive. ive heard about it before, but i really didnt expect how expansive it is. it has every book ive been meaning to read and then some. i registered, and quickly made a list of authentic-looking epubs for books i want to read, and another for books ive read and recommend (one can easily note my unread list is much longer than my read list... which is why i really need an accessible form of library in my life). i really feel i can quickly read whatever i like now! what a blessing!

with this, i feel like any form of art is easily at my fingertips. what a time to live in, to which one machine can commune with a million others and deal me any literature, film, music or imagery i like. what a time. what a time. yt-dlp, internet archive, anna's archive, myrient... isnt it amazing? how much we've made? how easily one can grasp at any individual making and a thousand more? it makes me feel all the more unfortunately mortal, i'll never see all of it... and yet mortality permanently combats any kind of greed one would have, to proclaim to have experienced all there is to feel. such beauty! such beauty.

and now i am to articulate a thought i have had drolling about in my mind for quite a while:

the crux of my love for Infinite Jest is that it, as a fiction, changes almost fundamental parts of life (or at least society) in very small but immediate ways (e.g., brand-owned year names instead of numbers, the conca/vexity, the O.N.A.N, Pink₂, James Incandenza (and his implied impact on film), the Entertainment, Eschaton, &c.), which cause you to reflect on their real-world, now mundane equivalent (e.g., numbers being used for years, which causes you to consider capitalism's role in day to day life), as well as mentally create new parts of the book's lore in unfilled positions of the story, which is basically the rest of the entire world (like, does Russia keep its year-number scheme since it's communist? is Eschaton popular in, say, Brazil? Cuba? Finland? suppose Ann Kittenplan had a cousin that worked at a bar and... &c.), which itself is also able to cause you to compare/contrast your own temporary mental fanfictions against real-life as well (ex.: what if the splayed demeanor of the syuzhet were to be applied to a work of non-fiction? what would it focus on so studiously as an equivalent to the parallel events played out by the Incandenzas, the A.F.R., Poor Tony Krause? the work picks seemingly random events and presents them to you randomly, only connected by all being in the same fictional world, with recurring characters and through this recurring topics and in a way recurring implied events. this is usable as a work of fiction because none of them really exist and so one finds interest, and is always entirely in the dark upon their first read of, any work that chronicles a world in that way. were it to be applied to reality, theres no doubt some or most events would already be known about, especially if one tries to recreate parts of the statuses of characters (everyone knows about JOI, so what real filmmaker would be focused on with such famous status and skill?). one could also attempt an exercise in which entirely new characters, events and concepts are made up and strung together in a similar manner, w/ or w/o being an extension of the preestablished fiction as a work of temporary mental and unwritten/unpublished fanfiction.

i had a strange dream this morning. i only remember how it ended and a thing i did.
at some point, i was on a laptop, using an instant messenger that looked like an orange pesterchumxl kind of menu. i was talking with a friend. i remember thinking, for some reason, that even though i was writing in a dream, that i hoped i was actually texting him, since i don't really have dialogs with him often. this is true, but it was ridiculous to think i could text actual people from within a dream.
i also remember it culminating in me crawling in some kind of corridor, under a wall that was filling the hallway except for a wide gap near the floor. it was "bug-infested", but it felt like they were holograms or something, and i couldnt make out any specifics of any given bug in the hallway. they were really big and all were obscured by the wall, and i didnt really feel disgusted or appalled by them because of the holographic sensation to them, as if i were looking at bugs in a game that could do nothing to me. a specific image kept flying in my eye-image right-to-left, it was like a fly tilted at an angle. i woke up, and was paralyzed. the semi-transparent black icon of the fly flew identically as before, and then i was able to move. i didnt move for a little while. i felt kind of shriveled. my body felt as though it was compressed, like a slow-activating memory foam. i laid there for a little while, taking in this sensation. and then i did some motion i don't remember, and i quickly felt all of the weight and pressure of my body come back as i regained full sensation. the first thing i did was futilely check my genuine, real-life text logs, which obviously showed that i did not exchange messages in my sleep. i didnt feel disappointed, since by that time i was aware it was impossible.

i watched the first episode of The Tatami Galaxy last night. it was pretty cool, the scene where the unnamed protagonist "has 2 years of [his] college life flash before [him] like paper lanterns" had really cool effects w/r/t the background flying between images. i think the intro is kind of dull, and half the characters that spun through it didn't even make sense. why was there a horse?? why was there a ragdoll cowboy??? the clocktower scene was cool though, and i liked that it showed reverse clips of the episode in quick sequence before cutting to the outro.

DEUX: "And, you say, it just tastes nice? That's all?"

VENCER: "It's a Zero, anyway. Zero sugar. I mean, it's got, like,"

VENCER PICKS UP A CANISTER OFF OF A SMALL NIGHTSTAND AND EXAMINES THE SECTION OF THE PRINTED LABEL DEDICATED TO ITS CONTENTS, BY GRASPING THE CANISTER EXTREMELY CLOSE TO THE EYES.

VENCER: "Uh, like, some sodium. Fifty-five grams of sodium. It's got nothing. Nothing at all."

VENCER ROTATES THE CAN AROUND AND ADJUSTS ITS DISTANCE RELATIVE TO THE EYE.

VENCER: "No calories. No, uh, no dairy. It's like sparkling water, basically. Sodium."

DEUX QUICKLY BRINGS A HAND TO A PAIR OF LENSES, TO PUSH THEM CLOSER TO THE HEAD.

VENCER: "But it tastes nice."

A PAUSE.

VENCER NOTICES A MILD PRESSURE ON THE NECK.

DEUX GLANCES TO VENCER'S RIGHT.

VENCER NOTES THAT THE FACE OF DEUX IS SOMEWHAT INDESCRIBABLE.

THE FACE OF DEUX IS ENTIRELY NEUTRAL, OTHER THAN A MILD-MANNERED SHOWING OF TEETH, NOT IN A SMILE NOR A SNARL.

DEUX: "So be it. It's always in interest to experience new things."

THE NECK OF VENCER TWITCHES IMPERCIEVABLY TO DEUX.

VENCER: "Why're you talking about it like it's some esoteric kind of thing?"

DEUX: "Well, everything's esoteric. 'Esoteric' is kind of vague, no? Esoteric is vague, and because everything is or can be made vague in some way, everything is esoteric."

VENCER: "It's a can of soda."

DEUX: "This is true."

brief, because im about to shower and typing on my phone is a little tedious...

im copying The Tatami Galaxy to Mnemosyne so i can watch it on my TV later. i saw maybe 3 seconds of it to check for corruption, and it looked pretty cool. i got Earth 2 by Earth, the droning album w/ 3 tracks, and its some nice bull of heaven type of rock.

im going to bed early so i can visit the buddhist temple tomorrow. i feel a little less excited now, but im sure itll go fine. i hope to have some kind of realization about something, but i guess i do that all the time.

i find myself craving the wild rice soup-inna-bread-bowl from panera bread. its so delicious. always comes with a free slice of baguette and the cut off bit of the bowl to dunk in the soup too. i crave it often. its soooo goood....

steam on the desktop of Sangre stopped working again. as far as i know its helpless, and i have to close all my apps and switch to gaming mode every time now. i feel lucky i got Paralizer when i did now.

im replaying Portal (2007) to get the Transmission Recieved achievement. i like portal! i also plan to play Portal 2 (2011) in vr with an associated community-made vr mod. it seems cool and a nice way to replay the game.

no updates for any of the films or albums im planning on watching. i think i'll watch The Lighthouse first, though.

i got ios 26 on my phone, and it looks pretty cool. i think they call it 26 because its like ios 6.... 2. the second ios 6. ios 26. i dunno :-n

i think next sunday i'll go to the buddhist temple with my mom. ive had a change of heart. i think it would be pretty cool.

i could really go for a dr pepper right now.