dentcowgirl

Meditations on the Sacred in everyday Life

She stood in the hush of morning, where fog softened the edges of everything—barn, cow, breath. The lace at her collar held the memory of hands that once stitched in silence, and the ribbon at her throat felt like a prayer tied gently to the body. The cow watched her with ancient eyes, unhurried, unafraid, as if recognizing something holy in the stillness.

The earth received her offering without judgment, holding both failure and hope in the same palm. Each seed was a confession, each handful of soil a promise. She did not know what would rise, only that the act itself was enough

The mule did not speak, yet its silence was a language of trust. Its presence was steady, unadorned, a companionship beyond words. She felt her own breath slow to match its rhythm, as if the creature carried her into a deeper stillness.

Labor was not punishment but prayer, each splinter a bead on the rosary of survival. The fence held stories of storms, of animals sheltered, of hands that had built and rebuilt. She felt the ache in her palms as devotion disguised as endurance.

Rest was not escape but return, the body remembering it belonged to the earth. The grass bent gently around her, the sky dimmed to a tender blue, and she felt herself dissolve into the rhythm of evening.

I had a few insights into my Pivotal Times post which I want to write down so I don’t forget them.  This helps to drag my intellect along the path to my enlightenment.  First off, I mentioned having the flu after buying the mules, but part of my insight is the fact that it seems I had the virus that we are all very concerned about these days.  That was two years ago at exactly this time of year.  I had a very good season with the mules both working them and riding one of them with my mom.  But over the winter, I didn’t use them much except a couple of times when the snow was just right and I was able to use them in my wagon-sled.  Those were fun times and they did very well for me.  I finally got around to using the mules to get firewood that my step-dad had cut and split over the winter, yesterday.

It was almost two months since the sled ride and when I took the reins and locked into their minds, I felt the mind of my one mare mule, in particular, lock into my mind also.  And immediately I was brought into her world which was very pure and transcendental.   I stayed in this higher consciousness level all the while we moved the wood and didn’t come back to my “real world” until I un-harnessed  them.  It was at that moment I realized what a low level of conscious awareness our society is experiencing now.  And I thought back to what happened in my Pivotal Times post and realized that was the price I had to pay to gain this awareness and now it seems a pivotal time has come for the rest of the world.

Pivotal Times in our Lives

It seems to me that mostly we don’t examine the circumstances of our lives very deeply.  We know our circumstances bring us pleasure and pain, stress and fulfillment, health and sickness.  But the question of how these circumstances come to us usually goes unanswered.  We tend to assume chance and luck play a major role and sometimes our efforts pay off positively and sometimes they don’t depending on chance and luck.  So we buy insurance to fortify our mental stability for the pivotal times, that we know, are going to come.

I don’t buy this way of thinking.  I believe everything and everyone you see in your world; you materialized with your mind or at least have given your consent to that circumstance and its consequences.  I’ve recently went through a life altering set of experiences which drove me further inside myself for answers.  Most everyone could benefit from a little more introspection, but for me getting out of myself and living on the surface is what I have trouble with.  But I found when I can make it to the surface, like writing this story, I bring with me a lot of power.  Soo I’ll start by posting the circumstance that started my pivotal time and add the thoughts which went on in my mind from this experience;
I was running my team of horses into the woods to pick up firewood for my stepdad with a two wheeled cart and trailer hitched to the cart. I stopped the horses at a pile of wood my stepdad had cut and split and I filled up the trailer. But before I could get back into the cart, the horses started running. I ran to the cart and threw myself onto the floor as the horses galloped across a field.  I tried to grab hold of the reins to stop them from running but I was being bounced around so badly that I couldn’t even stand up to get hold of them. Then as I felt myself being being thrown from the cart, everything slowed down and came to a complete stop. I got up from the floor of the cart to see the horses had turned into the woods and were caught up in the trees. I wasn’t hurt and the horses were alright as well. I became aware of the fact that my life, as I knew it, was taken out of my control and in that split second was given back to me by God. I had eaten all my negative karma and was able to continue to be who I am. I was also aware that every person who I relate to in this world was also changed by this experience    I’ve spent my life working with horses so it wasn’t lack of knowledge or ability that caused this incident. The horses I was using were my mom’s riding horses but both of them have had experience in harness.  I put a lot of time and energy into training them to pull this cart with a small load of wood.  Some days they would pay attention and get the job done, but then on other days, for no reason I could figure out, they would act crazy and cause everyone involved, including themselves, a lot of suffering.  So if what I said about your mind materializing all of your circumstances, then at some point I must have given my consent to this circumstance that could have crippled me or even killed me.  I believe there are only two ways that pain and suffering can enter your life.  The first way is through your own karma.  If you have caused pain and suffering in someone else’s life, then eventually it will materialize in your life.  But I am very careful about not hurting, cheating, or otherwise doing anything to someone I didn’t want to see happen to me.  The second way of bringing pain and suffering into your life is by opening up to people who have brought pain and suffering into other people’s lives.  This is how most of us give our consent to pain and suffering.  For example, how do you earn your money.  Are the people you work for honest or greedy, have they hurt other people to get the money they are paying you (if you work for the government, you fit into this category) or do you work for yourself and try to take as much as you can and give back as little as possible?   I think you get the idea.  The result is a reservoir of bad karma that filters down through the economy and materializes in the lives of the people who can’t pass it down fast enough to the next person below them.       As a result just about all of our relationships are winner-loser games.  Nobody wants to be the victim and have this bad karma materialize in their lives. I once saw a
movie where a bunch of guys were playing cards for money and the narrator of the story said that when you play cards you should look around the table and find the victim but if you don’t see him then the victim is you.  Because there is always a victim in just about every interaction.  Love is the only interaction where there is no victim.  But in order to love you have to put somebody or something above your own fears and we all know, nobody does that.

The answer to this game playing, winner loser , victim problem is awareness.  Some people think the answer is to make more money through intellectual endeavors.  Other people think force and control are the answer.  Both these options requires victims which increases the bad karma reservoir.  You have to be aware of the fact that the answer does not lie at the top of the socioeconomic ladder.  You have to stop clawing your way to the top at the expense of the weaker minds in our cultural and let yourself experience the pain and suffering that is happening at the bottom.  Oh I almost forgot, you have to deal with all the hardship you find there with a good attitude.  You say why would anyone in their right mind want to do this.

I’ve found that when I didn’t try to make anyone else a victim, I always became the victim.  Even other victims of our society turn on you because they are so desperate to pass this bad karma down to someone else.  It’s at this point that love fines you and you enter a higher state of consciousness.  You start living your life motivated by love rather than fear.  Because the only reality is love and everything else is illusion, but I’ll get into that some other time.   Milking cows for a living is one of the lowest level occupations this culture has to offer.  You lose all your friends and relatives because you always smell like a cow.  You are on call 24/7 because something can go wrong with the cows night or day.  Like in the middle of the night you get woken up because the cows have broken out of the fence and are terrorizing the neighborhood. The work is physically grueling and very stressful.  And one of the hardest things to deal with after all this hardship is the fact that you don’t make any money.  The government controls the price we can sell our milk for and only allows us enough money to be able to get up the next morning and do it again.  And sometimes not even enough money to do this.  So it’s understandable that it took years for me to deal with this situation with the right attitude.
After a few years my body stopped hurting from the physical work because it got so strong and tough.  Then I fell in love with my boss. (my step dad)  My relationship with him changed from a parent-child relationship to a guru-disciple relationship.  Then an Amish boy came to live with us and help out on the farm.  We were both very young at the time but he was brought up from a baby dealing with cows and horses and  farm machinery.  It got so that whenever I had a problem with anything on the farm he was always there to help me through it.  It was like he lived in my mind, so how could I not fall in love with him also.  Then I started to relate more deeply with the cows and horses until all of the hardships of living at the poverty level of society didn’t matter anymore.  Finally I was dealing with the hardships of our culture with a good head.

So at the time the horses ran away with me, I was living on a pretty high level of conscious awareness.  But I was aware of the suffering of the people who I related to outside of the farm.  And I knew these people were looking for victims to relieve their suffering because that was how we are taught by the culture to deal with suffering.  Now I don’t live in a hole in the woods and catch my own food like an animal.  I am a part of this culture which is how my consent is given to the pain and suffering
around me and also to the pleasant aspects of the cultural like running this computer.  People seem to get better and better at finding victims to pass their karma onto and I still appear as a victim whenever I have to deal with anyone in our culture.  So this is how the pivotal times happen in a person’s life.  You become part of a group of people and somehow the most likely victim is identified.  Then by mutual agreement the victim eats as much bad karma as the group can possibly pass on down.  This usually results in a pivotal move down the socioeconomic ladder for the victim and a move up for the rest of the group.      Here is where awareness comes into play.  If a consciously aware person enters a game and becomes the victim,  then everyone in the game eats their own karma.  In other words if the aware victim doesn’t pivot down the socioeconomic ladder then everyone else in the group will.  And as you play these games with the people higher up the ladder then the karma can materialize in sickness, accidents, and even death.  So I figure in this circumstance where I was run away with by the horses, I was playing the victim role where I was experiencing a strong force trying to change the way I related to the world.  But there were three very important aspects of this situation that I am aware of and which had a profound effect on the resulting materialization.  First off I live at pretty close to the bottom of the socioeconomic ladder so no matter what there couldn’t be much of a fall.  The second factor I am aware of is the fact that as a victim you can’t be made to suffer anymore than the bad karma you accrued from your own actions or your karmic debt to the culture.  And since I work very hard to produce a healthy product, milk, and it is sold at a price where even poor people can drink it, I have accrued a good karma bank account which I feel came into play in this situation.  And third, the reason I jumped on that runaway cart to begin with was because both my mom and I loved those horses and I wasn’t about to let them ruin themselves if I could help it.          After this runaway my mom insisted she come with me when I took her horses out into the woods.  One day we were riding a wagon with runners through the snow and hit a spot where the ground was bare.  This put a lot of strain on the under carriage and the pole the horses were using to pull the wagon sled broke and once again the horses took off at a gallop but this time my mom and I were left stationary in the wagon.  My mom yelled ho but they paid her no mind and galloped into a tree, AGAIN !

So I came to realize that these horses will run if anything goes wrong or if I make any kind of mistake.  On this material plain things wear out and people make mistakes so I figured I had to stop using these horses.  But part of who I am involves relating deeply with horses so it looked like at this time in my life I was not going to stay the person I am.  When all my choices are bad I just let go of everything and wait until something materializes in my life that I can live with.  So this was the state these circumstances brought me to at this time.    Then one day the area shopper came in the mail, (a paper full of ads people pay to sell whatever they want) and I found a pair of Belgium mules for sale.  Now I knew nothing about mules but I did know about Belgium draft horses which I liked working with very much.  So we went about 60 miles to look at them and I loved the way they looked after seeing them.  After ground driving them I figured I would be able to work with them, so we bought them right on the spot.        A day later I caught the flu and got very sick.  After about a week of feeling sick and not eating, I started to get a bad headache.  At this point my mom was really
starting to worry about me and tried to find a doctor who would see me.   I never go to doctors so I didn’t have my own and I found out they are reluctant to see anyone new.  Well I remember my last conscious thought was, “I don’t want to die.”  I just stopped relating to the world and watched it carry on without me.  It seems that my mom was being animated to break through the resistance of the medical profession to ignore me and finally got an appointment for me to see a doctor.  So I found myself in front of a doctor who didn’t really seem to know what was happening but did give me a prescription for the flu and sent me home.  But I didn’t improve and had lost a lot of weight and figured this was my pivotal time from life to death.     However , before I kicked off we got a call from the doctor wanting to know how I was doing.  From what I understand this never happens.  So my mom told the doctor if anything I was getting worse, so the doctor prescribed penicillin.  My mom rushed out to fill the prescription and immediately the headache stopped and I started getting better.  It seems I had an infected tooth that was aggravated by the flu and caused the infection to travel to my brain.  Soo I wasn’t going to die but I still wondered if I was going to fully recover and continue being the person I was before this new incident.

Well I did fully recover and the mules turned out to be more than I could have imagined.  I am relating to these mules deeper than I ever did to any of the horses
I’ve worked with.  I have to say that my pivotal moment brought me to a higher consciousness level than where I was before these circumstances came into my life.  I think it’s very important what we attach ourselves to in this world because these pivotal moments come for all of us and if love isn’t a part of your equation then through pain and suffering you will find out that love is the only reality and everything else is illusion.

I met this guy today on second life and we started dancing.  He said I looked sexy and I told him he did too. (top picture is how I looked)  Anyway after about 2 minutes and before we could get to know each other, he asked if I wanted to suck his cock.  I told him no thank you and figured I was in for some drama when I told him I didn’t get intimate with anyone until we had a good relationship going.  Then he apologized for being an azzhole for saying that.  Well I tend to think there are lots of nice young men out there who might forget my name, or where I live, but would be too civilized to ask me something like that.

We danced a little more before he told me I would look sexier with tits.  I was in my femboy mode(flat chest) because it usually kept guys like this away from me.  But since I am gender fluid on second life I altered my appearance to have boobs.  But while I was adding boobs to my avatar, he left.  I figured he finally got around to reading my profile in which I said how I used a female avatar at first but guys constantly hit on me for sex so I come on second life with a femboy avatar.  And I let people get to know me and decide for themselves which sex I am in real life and how important it is.

I think any subject can lead to enlightenment if you follow it deep enough. For example being gender fluid doesn’t seem to lend itself to enlightenment or spirituality. But I find this subject takes me out of the realm of the intellectuals who only see their own thoughts and miss reality.

I too see the same reality that I was culturally brought up to see, but when it gets too oppressive, another reality kicks in and brings me where my karma demands. And since I try to keep my karma very clean I end up in a better place.

To be gender fluid, an awareness that we are not our bodies must be attained. We are not male or female, we are consciousness. So we don’t have to follow the rule book we all are given at birth which defines how we should look and act depending on what is or isn’t between our legs. We are also told that a single personality is healthy and a split personality is a sickness. Well I agree dealing with just one personality is easier than dealing with multiple personalities, because we tend to get attached to one side or the other on the gender spectrum. Attachment is pain! So even if we realize our physical body doesn’t match our gender identity, we tend to do all we can to transition to the preferred gender and attach ourselves to it. The fact that our physical body experiences pleasure and pain doesn’t make it real. Reality is just a projection of mind so our physical reality and our virtual reality are both ice cream of different flavors.

Soo awareness of reality is a critical factor in being gender fluid. Because once you throw the rule book away, you will get reactions from the people around you and only conscious awareness can keep you from being hurt and brought down by their reactions. And depending on how high a level of conscious awareness you are operating from, you can use their reactions to help them down the path toward enlightenment.