Wandering Coyote

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, and a long time since I’ve done any writing. I have had a ton of things go on in my life since my last blog post.

First, there was the whole acquisition of Freydis the stray cat. She is officially a part of my household now, and let me tell you, it has not been easy. She is a demanding cat, very food-driven, and is now a bit of a chonk instead of the skinny kitty she was when I first let her into my home. It took her a long time to settle down at night, and there were a lot of nights of disrupted sleep as she transitioned into being a house cat with no access to the outside. It was really annoying. I am happy to say she is much better now, and sleeps with me as her sole form of showing anything remotely close to affection! I keep comparing her to Juno, which is terrible. But man, this cat is very uppity, very stubborn, and likes getting her way.

I sold my car in the middle of August. I am taking transit now. This was in an attempt to become a little more financially ahead of the game, but I did need a bit of a loan in order to get rid of the car as I owed more than what I sold it for. Luckily, it wasn’t too much money, but I should have that loan paid off early next month.

I finished my TEFL course yesterday! What a long haul that was. It was due to be finished by Nov. 24, and I was a little worried I wouldn’t make it in time, but I did. Do I feel confident enough to go out there and teach English as a foreign language? No, not really. So I will look around locally for some places that might get me some experience.

But the big news is that I met a man, out in the wild – not online! Of course there is a story around this.

Back in May/June I was assigned to a new work site for a new project, along with two absolutely new & green peer support workers. One of these new PSWs was a very tall guy with a good sense of humour, very chill and had good energy, and was generally a really nice, attractive man. We had a few things in common, and I told him about my weight lifting background since he is a body builder. We chatted about weight loss and weight lifting, and he got me onto Builder Bars after offering me a whole one at lunch one day. I developed a crush, but since he was a new PSW and I was in a supervisory position and in a management role, I decided to not say anything since if I did that could be a one way ticket to HR Land at my organization’s HQ, and I certainly did not want that. I also did not want to make anyone uncomfortable.

However, one thing led to another, and one Saturday in mid-August we found ourselves at Boston Pizza having nachos and drinky-poos, swapping dating app stories. We parted ways at the nearest bus stop so he could get home, and he called me shortly after arriving and that’s when it all came out. The feelings were mutual! I was giddy and thrilled, and I think he was too. And that was the beginning.

So, check out this list I made 4 years ago of qualities I was looking for in a mate. OK, I realize that #1 on the list is “tall”, but get this, he’s 6’5″! He very much has all the qualities I was looking for. I came across this list randomly a few weeks ago as I was going through old photos on one of my cloud storage services. I was kind of blown away that this guy was checking off all these boxes.

Then there is this other list I made of relationship goals. Again, the boxes are checked off thoroughly.

I had pretty much given up on finding a relationship before this summer. I had taken myself off the dating apps after well over 10 years of dating and finding absolutely no one appropriate and who aligned with what I was looking for. I cannot believe, looking back, all that I put up with during those years. My mom keeps telling me I should write a book, and maybe I will, but most of it was uncomfortable if not unpleasant to look back upon, so I’m not sure a book about it is in the cards.

I turned 50 in July (his birthday is also in July and was not looking anymore. And then this happened. I am thrilled to bits and have things to look forward to now, and I am also so grateful that this has happened while I am still young enough to enjoy it.

Sometimes the Universe comes through in weird ways. I mean, we did have to disclose our relationship to my boss and to HR, and there was a meeting and a document to sign and an announcement to be made to my team to keep things transparent, so it’s all pretty official. But otherwise, we get on like a house on fire and are two peas in a pod. I have also returned to weight lifting and the gym, and that is going very well, too.

I hope to write more now that I’ve completed the TEFL course. And I of course have been distracted by the whole guy thing, too. 🙂 But I have missed writing, and I don’t want to keep missing it, I want to be actively doing it.

Well, I seem to have acquired a cat. Meet Freydis.

She was a stray, hanging around my condo complex for several days before I couldn’t take it any longer and went out and brought her in on Friday night. She’s made herself quite comfy. I put 3 posts up on local FB pages for lost pets & community announcements, all to no avail. Today I took her to the vet to see if she has a microchip, and she does not. So, I guess she is staying. I’ll take her to the vet after payday next week to make sure she is all good. God, I hope she is spayed.

Here is my traditional birthday selfie.

So I had a shitty day today. Details are not important and I won’t get into them (also, one of the shitty things that happened was work-related so I can’t really talk about it publicly), but I will say that these things have absolutely triggered some stuff for me that I thought I was over, or at least thought I had let go of long ago.

My birthday, my 50th, is in two days, on Wednesday. I had thought that by this age, I would have been a bit more able to handle these particular stressors in a way in which I would not have gotten triggered. I thought that with age came wisdom, and that in having that wisdom I would react differently to things that upset/anger me. I thought that by 50, I would have the confidence to make better decisions for myself, advocate for myself, and generally just manage my shit better. I had thought that perhaps, at my age, I would have been able to let a few things slide, and have a more “fuck it” attitude.

When people tell me age is just a number, I get a little annoyed. Because I am not sure it is. I think life experience and phase of life are important and need to be recognized. This is why I tend not to date much younger men, for instance. I don’t think that a 25 year old has as much life experience to draw from and at that age you are in a very different place in your life than you might be at 35.

But…and this is a huge but…I still feel like I did when I was younger. And the disconnect is between that feeling of internal youthfulness and the actual years of my age, which I thought would come with more wisdom, more confidence, and a more laid back attitude. But no. Maybe that internal youthfulness is doing me a disservice. Maybe my chronological age means fuck all. Well, other than I am older. But I am not feeling any wiser.

I was triggered today at work. I am judging myself for being triggered, and I know it. I am “shoulding” all over myself. Have I learned nothing in the past two decades? Why am I doing this to myself still?

I am fifty! I do not feel like I have my shit together. I do not feel like a confident, competent person still, or yet. And I am beginning to wonder if I ever will.

Eons ago, when I was taking DBT for the second time, I ran into someone who was really stumped about how to let go of something or someone who had wronged him in his life. He was still carrying a lot of anger about the situation, even though it had happened decades ago. He asked the therapist in charge of the class, “how do I let go of this?”

The answer given was basically to have some mindfulness around the feelings that came up when he thought of the situation, and to not allow himself to get hooked into the feelings when they arose. A mental distancing, sort of. Choosing to react differently when the emotions and memories arose.

I thought this was sound advice, but the person in question didn’t get it at all, and insisted he couldn’t do that. It was still, to that day, too raw to handle in that way. It was a significant trauma, there was no doubt about it. It was life-chaning. I felt for this guy because I understood how choosing to react differently was a learned skill and not just something you did out of the blue and boom – everything would fall into place & you’d feel better. Like most skills we learn in adulthood, they take time & conscious practice, and also a conscious choice to do the the practicing to begin with.

In my own life, I seem to be letting go of something or someone or a situation on a regular basis. Granted, more recently these have not been traumas I’ve endured, but they’ve been things that have required me to make a conscious effort to let go of. In my dating life, I have let go of an awful lot of men, and with them, I have also had to let go of dreams, expectations, desires, and shitty behaviours. Some of these things were easier to let go of than others, obviously, but some still rankle.

A guy I met a couple of years ago, whom I have had intermittent contact with in that couple of years, this week responded to a text I sent him about his birthday on Monday. It was the first time I’d heard from him since March. Texts sent to him were marked “delivered” but not read, and when I asked a follow-up question on Monday, he disappeared again, leaving the message on “delivered”. This has been someone I allowed into my life despite his being a bit of a periscope, and I think I have finally gotten to the point where letting go of this person once and for all is in order. I let him go previously a couple of times, but because I held out hope due to his periscoping, I never did let go completely. Now, it is time to do just that.

I have also let go of friendships I’ve poured a lot of my heart and soul into. One in particular required a clean break just over 2 years ago, after a really stupid incident. This person considered me her best friend, but after a very horrible barrage of insults she texted to me after the incident, I didn’t see a future with this person in my life anymore, so I texted back that I was ending the friendship and that I wished her all the best. I asked her not to contact me again as I would not engage, and she respected that.

Letting go of that relationship was hard. I had a lot of emotions around it. It was painful that she thought so poorly of me after being so close for so long, and I will never forget the words she used to describe me in her texts to me – horrifying, toxic, negative, to name a few. I don’t believe that I am any of those things to anyone. I let go of this with a lot of self-talk, and self-talking myself out of feeling certain things, like guilt, because I knew I had done nothing wrong and she was the one with the problem, not me. In the 2.5 years since, I have wondered how this person is doing, and wondered what would happen if we ever ran into each other again, which is possible given our circles. But I also have no regrets for letting that friendship go. Since its end, I have had other friendships grow and deepen and develop, and I am grateful for those. I also recognized quite early on in the letting go process, that that person had brought a lot of drama into my life, and I did not miss it whatsoever! I didn’t realize while the relationship was still in tact just how much drama was in it. I needed perspsective to see that. And I am so glad I don’t have that in my life anymore.

Currently I am letting go of my latest foster kitty, Sitka, who went to his forever home on Sunday. I miss him terribly. I really let this one into my heart, but it happens with fostering. I just hadn’t really experiened it before. I know I will be better with time, and I know he’s gone to a good home. In this case, I want to keep the good memories close to me because they are good memories, not something I need to consciously not get hooked into.

Anyway, I had meant to also relate this letting go thing to the Wasband and some stuff about that whole debacle, but I think I’ve rambled enough and will end things shortly.

So that’s my two cents about letting go, inspired by some recent events in my life. It’s not an easy topic at all because we call carry things with us to varying degrees, and sometimes letting go might also mean change and growth and scary shit we’d rather not deal with. It’s all fair. I still have the capacity to have compassion for people wherever they are in their process.

One thing rattling around in my brain this long weekend is the whole weight loss thing, which I talked about in my previous post (see below).

That is not insignificant weight loss, and although I am not wanting to go into details about how I lost it (I didn’t do anything special except take a new medication for something I am dealing with and a side effect of it is a bit of weight loss), I am still a little stunned that nearly 25lbs is gone and it took me this long to confirm it after noticing my jeans fit a bit more loosely.

But what I am really thinking about a lot is this: what would happen if I actually tried to lose weight now that I have had a head start, so to speak? I mean, might I lose more? Might I get closer to my goals if I actually put some effort into exercising and watching my caloric intake? Is this the universe trying to tell me something along more positive lines for once, instead of kicking me with shit when I’m already down?

Maybe it is. Maybe I need to actually turn over a new leaf and do what I am supposed to be doing, which is making small changes over time instead of burying me head in the sand.

I have ideas now. I am going to follow through with a couple of them this week, and one involves asking my doctor for a form to be filled out so I can get something covered by my extended health benefits that would normally cost a lot of money, but that I think would be very helpful for me going forward.

I have to try. I am going nowhere fast if I don’t try, so I think it’s time to buck up and make the effort necessary to give this a go. My goals and dreams kind of depend a lot on losing weight and getting off some of my medications, so I have to give it an honest shot.

In an effort to try to yank my head out of the sand, as per my last post (see below this one, entitled Self Stigma), I decided to make a few calls to see about a few things I should be doing health-wise – and yes, this is being kept vague because I don’t want to get into the details. But another thing I decided to do as a result of these calls is weigh myself. I have noticed my jeans fitting a bit loosely, too, and I was curious to see what that was about. I hadn’t weighed myself in several weeks because it was too depressing and it really wasn’t helping my mindset at all to do that.

I was stunned to see the scale turn up a number that I haven’t been at in a few years! In fact, I have lost almost 25lbs since January, with 11 of those pounds coming off in the past two months. This averages out to just over a pound a week so far this year. I nearly fell over.

So, loose jeans are loose for a reason. Go me!

I also don’t want to reveal what I have been doing to attain this weight loss because it involves details, again, that I don’t want to go into publicly, but I will say that it has had little to do with diet & exercise and more to do with another intervention I’ve started in the past few months. I did not expect this to work at all, but it has, so I am not going to question it much.

I am pretty over salads made with lettuce; I hate lettuce, though I can tolerate a Caesar salad once in a while. I have been buying cabbage-based chopped salad kits at the grocery store and eating those for lunches on a regular basis. I have increased my fruit intake as well as started having healthier breakfasts. I don’t think this accounts for all the weight loss, but it doesn’t hurt at all.

I have also started to take transit to work 4 days a week because of some parking issues at work sites, so that has meant more movement of my body, which I think has been beneficial, too. Additionally, I plan on selling my car in the fall so I will be doing way more transit then, and with that comes more walking. I think this is a good thing for me as I really started to get out of shape in a more extreme way after I got my car and pretty much stopped walking places.

I am not quite at the place where my Starbucks habit has got to go, so if you’re interested in supporting me in that way, here is a link to my Buy Me a Coffee page. 🙂

So I wrote this on my FB this afternoon after mulling it over for quite a while.

I have really been struggling with a few things over the past while, maybe since last fall or winter. I have kept these struggles off of all my social media, including my NSFW blogging site, where I write with quite a bit of anonymity. I am reluctant to share for various reasons. I feel embarrassed & humiliated about some of these struggles, for one. As for another, I don’t want anyone’s advice nor do I seek fixing, and I know that’s what I will get, even though I fully recognize that it is all well-meant. I am not stupid (well, that’s arguable). Most of my friends & readers are lovely, supportive people, but there is always the risk of judgement when putting things out there, and I don’t have the heart for that at all. I have been public about a lot, going way back to when I started blogging 20 years ago. It’s generally been a good experience. I don’t know how sharing the current stuff will go, so I hesitate. I apologize for the Vaguebooking but this is where I am at right now.

I have long been an advocate and voice for mental health matters, as that is something close to my heart, but physical health stuff and coming to a crossroads in my life’s journey have been weighing on my a lot for a long time, and I am very reluctant to share some of the details thereof for the reasons stated above. My online persona, if you can call it that, on my mainstream social media sites is quite open about a lot of my struggles because I believe that things kept in the dark are best dealt with by bringing them into the light. Well, some things, that is.

My openness about a lot of things has long been something I am proud of because, especially in the case of mental wellness, it’s highly stigmatized. Some of these as yet unnamed struggles are also highly stigmatized, and for that reason I am reluctant. “Self stigma” is something we talk about in my field; it’s basically an internalized stigma that prevents us from moving forward with decisions that would benefit our metal wellbeing.

Right now, and I will admit this fully, my head is in the sand. I am consciously ignoring shit. I need to get my head out of the sand, and I wonder if I open myself up in the ways I have before that it might help me get my head where it needs to be. I also wonder if I am denying myself avenues of support from people I know in my life who are struggling with the same issues and who would not judge me at all. I wonder if I open myself up if I will have more accountability, too. Certainly being accountable only to myself is not working at all, and never has.

So this is what I am grappling with today. I’m not really looking for advice, I just needed to get this out of my brain so I can sleep a bit better tonight.

This is Sitka! Isn’t he gorgeous?

He is a very curious, affectionate little dude, but we had some litter box issues to begin with that were a little concerning. He did not like the corn cob litter at all, so I got some finer, light weight clay litter, and boom – he’s in there doing his business. He has a weird habit of tipping over his water bowl and creating huge puddles, so I’m going to have to do something about that. He put his paw in the water bowl, drags the bowl around, and spills it, then tracks wet footprints combined with grains of litter all over the darn place. I think I will have to get a water bowl that’s in a stand that is less easy to tip over, because this is really annoying. Otherwise, he sleeps with me at night and loves pets and affection. He gets the snip-snip on Wednesday. I haven’t told him yet.

I’ll give you a hint, if you don’t know me that well!

Coming July 24.

Over 5 years ago, I wrote this post reflecting on how being considered “bright” all during my youth was actually a disservice to me and also minimized what I was going through. Recently, in my TEFL course, the concept of growth vs fixed mindset came up in a unit on classroom management. The reading in the course content about this was really quite fascinating, and there were a couple of YT videos to watch about this, too.

I’m going to water this down quite for you, but one thing about growth vs fixed mindset is this: if you praise someone for their intelligence, the student (in this case) might start avoiding challenging situations when given a choice because they’ve become afraid of failing. Failure equates to a lack of ability, which then equates to a lack of intelligence, which then creates a fear of looking stupid.

With a growth mindset, struggle and failure are seen as a part of the learning process. Failure equates to a learning opportunity, and the student, therefore, will be more likely to persist when he or she struggles.

If you want to learn more, check out Carol Dweck & her research. It’s really interesting.

So, this all got my little mind going, because I was always being told how smart I was. Recall from that post from 2019 that I disliked it. And here might be another reason why: it might have discouraged me from making different (not better) choices for myself, both socially and academically. In my case, since people were focused on my smartness, or “brightness”, I felt that there were different expectations for me. Most of these expectations were implicit and not explicit. Rarely was I told by anyone “I expect XYZ from you.” However, it seemed to me that I was implicity expected to either succeed at certain things, or do certain things because I was smart.

And when I failed, it was crushing. It was so crushing, in fact, that it affected my motivation to do anything, even live, at times. I began to perceive myself as a failure, especially as I got older and went out into the world to try to make my way in it. Although I believed I was smart, I also believed at the same time that I was a failure (there’s dialectics for you).

I believed that my depressions and mental health issues were failures on my part to adjust to life or to implement things in my life that looked so easy – to me – to other people. I carried this into my twenties and early thirties, until the BPD diagnosis and DBT came into my life. I believed that I was a failure on so many levels. I was divorced. I was on disability. I couldn’t hold down a job. I was single. I didn’t have any children. Every aspect of my life was a struggle, and I think that was born of this focus when I was young and my brain was still developing on how smart I was.

There was a ton of evidence to show that I was smart. But the evidence showing that I was a failure seemed much more heavy.

If I had been told, however, as a kid or a teen, “this is really hard for you, but you’re doing it,” or “I understand how much effort you’re putting into XYZ and that’s amazing,” or “hey, I see you struggling there and that’s OK,” I wonder how it would have landed and how it might have changed me. I wonder if mistakes and struggle had been normalized, would I have felt as much of a failure later in life.

Messaging is powerful, and even the more subtle bits of messaging can have enormous impacts. I mention this in the “Bright” blog post of 2019.

I am not trying to blame anyone for this stuff, however; I know better than that now. I have also moved beyond it, though I still view some aspects of my life as…well, maybe not exactly failures, but rather maybe “unfortunate circumstances.” Like being not having children. Like still being single 19 bloody years post-divorce. I see successes: my job & ability to relate to people. My friends and social circle. Good relationships with my family. Some people seem to like me despite my moodiness!

As a teacher, if that is where this TEFL thing lands for me, I think I will have to be very aware of how I communicate certain things to students who are trying their best to learn a new language, and even perhaps adjust to a new country & culture.

Praise the effort, not the intelligence.

In a few hours, my two foster kitties, Sesame & Spice, will be going on to their forever home – with a lovely family I really feel is a great fit for everyone. I can’t help but feel slightly emotional about their leaving my care, after being here just over two months.

Juno died in March 2021, and it was three years before I felt I could have another cat in my life, and because of my future plans, I didn’t want a forever cat, but opted to foster instead, as I have done before with a couple of rescue organizations. Sesame & Spice were the first cats I invited into my life since Juno, and it was immediately a change in the energy of the household. They were shy at first, but they were soon to reveal their fun characters. I have really enjoyed having them around, but I did avoid getting too attached because I knew the situation with them was going to be temporary. One of my roommates, who really enjoyed having the kitties around, too, has gotten a bit attached and is a little bummed that they’re leaving.

Fostering is very rewarding for me. As I said, I’ve done it before, and I enjoyed it then, too. I have some attachment to the cats who come to me; I love them and enjoy them in my home. But I keep in mind that I am not their forever person or their forever home, and I remind myself of this often because I know in my heart that they are not staying. And because I have plans for my future that do not involve owning a pet, fostering works for me and it’s pretty win-win, really: I get to enjoy cats in my home without the lifetime commitment and they get a good place to feel safe & comfortable in while the universe sorts out their forever situation.

It’s a little bit sad, admittedly, when they move on. But I know I have played an important part in their journey and that they will have a great home with their new family. Once these guys move on, I will have a couple of days of processing, and then I will contact the rescue organization and open my house up again to another kitty in need. 🙂

***As a reminder, I have Buy Me a Coffee set up for my blog now, should you wish to support my coffee habit!***

So, after nearly 20 years, I finally got rid of my wedding rings.

Some of you might know that I’ve been trying to get rid of them for ages now, and I had them on FB Marketplace several times, only to get ridiculously low-balled. They are unique rings with a bezel set diamond, and 14 carat white gold. I loved those rings when I was married. They were one of a kind and cool. I even took them into a gold buyer about 10 years ago, and he low-balled me as well.

So enter my friend Liz, who had some gold she wanted to get rid of and she called me one morning recently to ask me if I wanted to go to breakfast with her, and then to this place called The Gold Room, which is not too far from where I live. I said sure, and thought, oh, why don’t I take my rings in there and see what they have to say.

Well! What ensued was quite the experience. I presented the rings to one of the two ladies manning the store, with the original paperwork from the jeweler the rings came from in Ottawa. The lady initially looked skeptical, but said she’d take the rings into the back to get an estimate from the jeweler there. I was expecting another low-ball quote but…

She came back a few minutes later and said I had two options. That they could write me a cheque for X amount of dollars, or I could exchange the rings for in-store credit that would be about $250 more than the cheque amount. And the cheque amount was more than I had ever been offered for the rings, by over $100. I had a quick side bar with Liz, and we both agreed that the in-store credit was better value for the rings, so that’s the route I chose to go.

Oh my good lord! I was a little stunned. This was a nice jewelry shop and I was slightly overwhelmed at my options, even though I am not a big jewelry person at all. But they did have fancy watches…Bulova, specifically. So I selected a few, tried them on, and settled on this one. I still had quite a bit of credit left over, and after looking at everything, I found an indigenous silversmith who had a line of really nice animal-themed pieces on display there. I found a hand-made pendant made from sterling silver depicting a killer whale. The artist is Justin Rivard and the pendant can be seen here. The sterling silver chain I needed to wear it was extra.

And that’s not it! I also found a beautiful pair of sterling silver Celtic knot earrings that brought my total to pretty much what I had to spend, so I got those, too.

This was a very spontaneous, fun experience for me. Had I gone the cheque route, I am sure I wouldn’t have spent all of it on something just for me…I’m sure I’d have put it on a credit card and bought silly things from Amazon, or groceries (though who could blame me for that, really). I had thought of putting it towards a tattoo for my 50th birthday, but I was not 100% sure of going that route, and with tattoos, you need to be 200% sure of what you’re doing since you’ll have to live with it forever. In the end, I think I made a good decision.

Though I’m not sure exactly what occasion I’ll have to wear such a fancy watch…

I got back from a week’s vacation on Wednesday night, where I drove to the Kootenays (about an 8 hour drive, with stops) to see my family who live there and go camping with them up in the Lardeau Valley. Despite the long driving times, the trip there and back were fine. I had a super time with the fam, though it was cold camping, and I only packed 4 tank tops – nothing warmer. Except my fuzzy PJs from Costco, which I spent a lot of time in that weekend because of their warmth. Luckily, my brother had an extra winter coat and I borrowed that, and there were lots of blankets kicking around so I didn’t fare too badly. But lesson learned: bring warm gear the next time I go there because the weather is unpredictable in the back country, especially when the camping location is near a glacier.

I am feeling a little more positively-minded these days and I think I am close to making some changes in my life that will be good for me. I am not sure what happened over the holiday to inspire this, other than I think I was having a good time & I kinda felt that I needed to up my health game so I could have more good times with my family. Also, my future was a bit of a topic of conversation. Asia is still the plan, and I know and recognize that I will not get there unless I start taking better care of myself and my health. Future options for me are not that plentiful in terms of where I wind up or end up living. I can’t make it work in Metro Van, and I am not keen on returning to the Koots as I am pretty sure the issues I had that prompted me to leave 12 years ago would still be there.

I had a talk with my dad about my car, too. I am 98% sure I’m going to be selling it in the fall, after doing some fact-finding at the dealership where I bought it and through whom I have it financed. I have to sacrifice something, and since I enjoy eating & having a roof over my head, the car is the obvious victim. I fully recognize that this will change my life again in many ways, particularly my social life, but I don’t see a way around it. Plus, it’s part of my longer term plan to get rid of it anyway, and I need the money now. I have a few more options now, too. I can get a bus pass to get to work (I work at easily transitable locations now, unlike I did when I initially took my current job), and there are car co-ops, Uber, and rental options, in addition to grocery delivery services, which I absolutely love. It’ll be hard to let go of the car, but I know I can live without it as I have done before.

I did not work on my TEFL course the whole time I was away, and the clock is ticking with that thing as I have till the end of November to finish it. I’m plugging along with it, but it’s no mickey mouse course; it’s challenging and time consuming, and there is an awful lot to learn, but I’m doing it and passing the tests & assignments. Currently on unit 4 of 11 total units. The first 3 units were very heavy, long, and full of theories I had a hard time wrapping my head around at times. I had no idea that there was so much theory involved in teaching! That and second language acquisition theory, linguistic theory…you name it, there is a theory. We seem to have moved on to more practical stuff now, like how to deliver a lesson & create lesson plans, and how to manage classrooms etc. I don’t think – and never did think – that teaching was or would be an easy gig, so I am wondering, too, if this is going to work out for me, but I guess I won’t know till I try.

I am keeping the end goal – traveling around Asia – in mind as I move forward. I have a plan. Gotta stick to it. Gotta get these things out of my system while I am still young enough and spry enough (well, I wouldn’t exactly call myself “spry”, but you get what I mean) to get out and do them. I feel like the second half of my life, which starts in July when I turn 50, has just got to be more exciting and more…life-giving for me than the first half of my life, which I feel has been mostly devoted to figuring my shit out, though I feel also that I will always have shit to figure out, so maybe it’s one of those things that is more of a journey than a destination. But whatever it is, God I hope I have a good couple of decades ahead of me as the past half of my life I really think has been a struggle just to get to where I am today. I am sick of finding life a struggle. I think I’d like to enjoy it somewhat, or else, really, what’s the point?

I have this set up, if anyone would like to contribute to my Starbucks habit!

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/allysonkenning

Thanks for reading, everyone!

I haven’t written in a while because I don’t feel like I have much of interest to say these days. My life is typically humdrum with little excitement, and it’s feeling a bit like slog lately. Work is fine; I have a new assignment so I am out of the hospital and at the local mental health centre instead. I think I’m going to like it a bit better as the hospital shift was on the difficult side & I’ll have a lot more interaction with peers at the mental health centre.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own mortality these days because of various health issues that I seem to be very good at avoiding dealing with. I might, I have come to the conclusion, die early. Maybe I’ll make it to 60, and then bow out. I don’t know. While my health issues are overwhelming me because they’re goingto take a lot of work and change to fix, I am also, I realize, probably going to miss out on a lot of stuff because of them, too. Like the traveling I want to do.

Along with the traveling I want to do, I need to get out of the Lower Mainland. I am sick of the lifestyle here even though all my friends are in the area. I think about escaping all the time, yet I have to work on and reconcile myself to changing my health situation. I can’t do one without the other.

But, as I said, I am overwhelmed. The obstacles seem insurmountable. It all seems too difficult to deal with for me, yet I need to be motivated to do this stuff or I’ll never be able to do the things I want to do in the next 10 years of my life.

Is that OK with me? When I examine this, no, it’s not OK with me that I give up on my plans/goals/dreams.

But I also seriously don’t know what is wrong with me that I can feel that way and still feel indifferent about my health issues. And feeling like living to 60 is acceptable for me. I feel as if I need a huge intervention and someone to live with me with a cattle prod and make me not make the decisions I do on a daily basis that contribute to continuing on with poor health.

This is the connundrum I live with right now. This is taking up a lot of my mind space as well. The accompanying thoughts are not helpful whatsoever, too. I feel like a terrible person, and this is what I tell myself regularly.

Something is wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is. None of it makes sense.

That I will have had this blog for 20 years as of this coming September…

I am finding that hard to believe, but the math does not lie.

I think I need to think about this for a while.

Here are my foster cats, just because.

Look at these guys! This is Sesame (tabby) and Spice (black) and they are my two new foster kitties who have been with me a week now. They came from Straight Outta Rescue Society and were once feral. They are 10 months old now, and are very shy and skittish, but becoming more and more brave by the day. They are bonded brothers from the same litter and LOVE treats, food, toilets, and doing zoomies all over me at 4am! The first few nights were quite a challenge, but they have settled down the past couple of nights. My bed is on the floor so they zoom all over me when the urge strikes! This is them in a calmer moment, shortly after they came out of my walk-in closet, where they were hiding for the first couple of days. I hope they start to become more social and into affection soon, as right now they are not super fond of being petted or touched in any way. Well, Spice tolerates some gentle pets for a little while, but seems unsure of it and then bolts. Sesame is not into pets at all.

It’s been a nice addition to the house to have kitties in here again after 3 years of no cats at all after Juno’s death. The energy of the home has changed in a good way. I do hope they find a forever home before long, though, because they are both so sweet and both deserve a permanent place with a loving family.