To make things clear....

Warning...this is a major venting feelings post..so if you feel like you can't handle some of my honesty...move on....
I won't be able to sleep if I don't write my feelings down today. I love my sweetheart Scott. He is an amazingly strong, hard working, loyal, trustworthy, kind, gentle hearted, and the most dedicated man you will ever know. He is an amazing father! There is nothing more insulting and demeaning to have your husband introduced to strangers as this is Scott, he has an Bachelors degree in English, and a Masters in public Administration from BYU...ask him, what he dos for a living....pause... he's a butcher.....AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION...THE BEST ONE AROUND...WHICH IS WHY THEY PAY HIM THE $ THEY DO!!!!!! 
Now  with this among other comments over the years, "I thought Scott would be a Lawyer or Doctor...he is too smart to be cutting meat..." ON AND ON!!!!!!!!
GUESS WHAT????? Did it ever occur to you people that maybe being there for all of his children's moments is more important than a STATUS...that maybe stability means something to us...that BYU has been good to us....that in order to take a job that would make you people feel better about yourselves, he would have to take a major pay cut and not be able to have the flexibility to go on feildtrips with his princess, take the stats at his sons baseball games, to cheer on his daughter form the sidelines....that just maybe he is happy....just maybe when you say things like that it hurts him and his family...just maybe there is more to life than $ and things...He loves to learn...we were blessed by BYU to have Scott attend school, all expenses paid...KNOWLEDGE IS THE ONLY THING WE TAKE WITH US!!!!!!! If he wants to get his PhD go for it...but what is important...IS HIS and OUR HAPPINESS...Not who you feel the need to impress by his occupation, or where we live or how we dress, or what we drive.
One of the most hurtful things about the jabs is that we both work.....WE provide for our family, WE have worked for EVERYTHING we have. WE make monthly mortgage payments, car payments, pay for our children's activities, put food on the table, with the money WE work hard for! We serve in our church callings. Which by the way apparently is another thing that really bothers people, Scott should be doing so much more in the church than "just" a primary teacher! What the! Who is any one to judge where we serve...He is an incredible primary teacher, the children love him.
So with these words I conclude, walk a day here in our shoes and find out what kind of wonderful and amazing priesthood holder my sweetheart is...If you take the time to REALLY care and love him, the other stuff you feel matters...doesn't....
So to make things clear....This is Scott...He is the best father and husband any eternal family could ask for.

Taking Risks

This past summer Dallin decided he wanted to give basketball camp a try at the high school. He had always been self conscious of how little he was and didn't want anything to do with the game. He loves the game, always has, just was afraid to put him self on the court. Well he did the camp and loved it. Did extremely well. Got the sportsmanship award. So he decided he wanted tot try out for the AAU Bantom League, not the city league where everyone makes a team and learns the game league, the try out and thanks for trying league but....Well he made it and made the top team for his grade. He did great. I was so proud of him and his growth. He was little but he learned and used his skills. he became one of the best point guards in his league. He could steal and move that ball down the court. He even fouled and took HARD fouls. The last game he had a serious block under the basket....in high school the crowd would have called that swatted. One of Dallin's favorite childhood movies was Pooh's Greatest Adventure. we often quoted this quote:

Dallin you were Braver than you ever knew! I am so proud of your example to go for those things that are scary. For doing it with quiet confidence. YOU will continue to do great things! You took a risk, had no regrets about trying out, and enjoyed this journey!

Congrats to you and your awesome team for winning the championship!

 Risks

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your dreams, ideas before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave: they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is truly free.

– Anonymous

Making Lemonade....

Well it's been a few months...I know...Time to journal what I concluded my New years resolution to be. A few months ago I came to a harsh realization that time was not going to slow down, that I can not stop time, I can NOT create a unbusy schedule, that no matter how hard I tried, I can not keep my children from growing up and I can not control the direction the Lord needs our lives to go. So with all this weighing heavily on my heart, as the holidays came...I decided to relish and live in the now. To create a home and life, that is created to enjoy the journey. To take what seemed to be the lemons in my life and make them lemonade. I still do find myself being incredibly sad that I just registered Abby for her Senior year. That Dallin is about to finish 7th grade and got his braces on. That Emma decided she wanted a more grown up room...BUT I find more excitement in each step...looking forward to all the exciting things always around the corner. We have had a rough year, but as each lemon was dealt, we are finding the sweet lemonade just around the corner. Again the Lord's hand in ALL things...even the little things, the things that you would think wouldn't matter, BUT DO! I have found myself seeking and begging for inspiration in my daily life...wanting the Lord to direct me in His ways...I have definitely found that when we find the sour in life, it appears and He does not dwell, my heart was not open for good...with lemonade and through Him....so many things are possible....Any how...here are few moments, enjoying our journey, making our lemonade...

 Our "Midnight Mass" Breakfast Burrito's from Mc Donalds

 Thanksgiving at the cabin!=)

Emma's first piano recital=)

Sledding with dad behind the jeep

Emma taking her Webkins sledding

Buddy our Christmas Elf brought childhood back to Christmas time for us. He would leave everyday and report to the North pole whether this home was being Naughty or Nice. The reappear in the morning in hiding in random places. He was so much fun to have with us. He left Christmas Eve with Santa. We all can't wait for his return next December.

Even though life has continued to toss us lemons...dental bills, car repairs, overwhelming schedules, broken hearts, school tests, limited sleep...we are finding that within passing days we realize the sunshine, express gratitude, make our lemonade and savor the sweet taste. For we know that the Lord is watching over us and as we strive to live as He would have us live, we will always be just fine=)

...off for some shut eye=) Sleeping in Sunday Mornings...Now thats some lemonade=)

His Hands in All Things

The past few weeks I have really been looking for His hand in my life. Wanting so much to believe that He has his Hand in all things. Each day and night, as I begin and end with personal prayer, I never ask for much, mostly just an extreme outpouring of gratitude for the blessings that I have. But there is always one or two specific things that I need extra strength for, either that day or the next. Well I began to focus, began to listen, to see if I matter to Him.....HOLY SMOKE BATMAN...I do!
As I began to be more aware, I noticed just how much He is in me and my families daily lives...my little life, matters to Him.
A few particular moments the past few weeks, really stand out in my mind. Abby, as I mentioned had the opportunity to perform in BYU's Christmas Around the World. The past few months had been difficult for Abby as she suffered another injury and was unable to do what she loves the most, RUN. I struggled as well for her. Wondering and feeling so helpless as her mom, to fix things and make her better. Well, after we realized her season was cut extremely short and wouldn't happen, we also realized that had she run well, she would not be able to have done Christmas Around the World, she would have been racing in California @ Footlocker. We both talked about it 2 months ago when we realized it and thought, wow. But after her experience last week, it was definitely where she was supposed to be that weekend. When she came home Saturday night after her final performance , her spirit radiated the gratitude. She expressed her love for the program and the girls in it, how amazing it was and how grateful she was to have been able to be apart of it. She awesome it was to perform for an Apostle. As i visited her dance class this last week, my breath was taken away as I watched her dance. I saw her spirit dance, her spirit moved her physical body. I saw little Abby, who years ago would dance with full confidence in herself. I saw the innocent Abby who did not question who she was...She knew who she was...it was incredible. His Hand in all things.
Now I am very hard on myself...it is a weakness I have, that Scott daily tries to repair and make stronger....but for now I am. One particular evening I was in a slum, remembering in my prayer, expressing my feelings of inadequacy in so many things...needing to feel important...wanting to know that I matter to something....The next day I got a phone call from a close friend asking for a favor...She went on to explain that her children had made their Christmas lists and that one of the things on her daughters list was, "An Apron....(made by Debi)"  WHAT!!!!! You have no idea how much that meant to me....It was a small thing, but oh how I felt so lifted. That very next hour, as dance began, my assistant came in with a cd and went on to say how her little girl had heard a song and that I should consider for our recital piece.....NOW, I fret and pray over my music for each class, I feel it should reflect the classes personality....I had already submitted it to BYU for acceptance....SOOOOO...I asked Jen what the song was and I fell over....IT WAS THE SAME SONG...NO WAY!!!!! Funny thing is, while I was listening to music, her daughter came to mind as I listened to this song and got the impression that that was the song...I needed that confirmation that it is not a fluke I am teaching in the program...He has a plan for me. THEN....same dance day....it happened....Miss Chris came to my class....Miss Chris is a retired professor/teacher from BYU. She was trained and taught at Ririe Woodbury...She was the former director of the BYU Dance program....Her granddaughter is one of my dancers...she was their to watch....I told her I was so scared to have her watch me teach....me...teach...in front of Miss Chris...AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! She gave me a hug and thumbs up and said I was wonderful. HOLY COW! really!!!!!!! Not only was this exactly what my little emotional soul needed...it has given me a new spark, to remember that things do not happen by coincidence. He has a reason for everything and everything serves a purpose for now or later. After each moment I immediately recognized His hand...
I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father. He knows that small things are important...It is just up to us to recognize them...take time to notice His hands in all things.

Hats...

First.....Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving Day. We had a wonderful day spent with grandparents, up at the family cabin. The kids love going up there, many fond memories, memories that fill our hearts with joy. We were up there again last night for Grandpa's 89th birthday....WOW! Can not believe he is 89.  My kids adore Grandpa and Reena. They share a special bond with them. Each spring we go down for Dallin's baseball tournaments in St. George and spend the week with them.  We love them and the support they give to us. They remember everything! Example, at Thanksgiving Abby mentioned she was performing in Christmas Around the World, they wanted to come but were heading out of town on a vacation that week, but yesterday when Abby walked in and sat down by them, the very first thing they asked, "Abby, how did the performance go? Was it so neat? We wished we could have seen it!" Then went on to have a lengthy conversation about how she was and then asked Dallin and Emma about the things they were doing.
They have always been like this....as was our late Grandma Darling. They kids would drop anything to go visit them and be with them, because they feel so loved by them. My children love that they are so genuinely interested in their lives. We have felt blessed to have spent the last few weekends with them.

Moving on to the reason for my post today...Hats...had a great Relief Society lesson yesterday. It started off with the question of what Hats do we wear that define you?
Well this is what went through me head, some were mentioned...
Mom
Wife
Maid
Taxi Driver
Food Prep....(I would say cook or chef...but that would be saying I could cook well...)
Nagger
Dance teacher
Coach(kinda)
Assistant to AP teachers
Visiting Teacher
RS Secretary
Okay so she went onto discuss in her lesson how the first thing we should think of is Daughter of God. Or Child of God.......
Oh boy.....
Didn't cross my mind...and I was sitting in the spirit of fast Sunday, church, Gospel learning....and I didn't think of it....
WOW!
SO we discussed why...Why as sister's in the Gospel do we not think first "I am a Daughter of God." The pressures of society place on us, even at church, how we are expected to be. How we are supposed to dress. How we are supposed to mother....How many times a week these very thoughts run through my head,
"Why am I in this calling, there are SOOOOO many other women who could do this without failing like I do."
"I am not as good as a mom as....."
"Why can't I look like her..."
"She would be way better at this than me..."
"Wow, I wish my Christmas decor looked like that."

On and On.....But guess what....none of that matters....and I need to change how I start my days....I need to stick sticky notes all over my mirror that reminds me that I am a Daughter of God. I am so grateful for Julie's inspiration for her presidency message. We all need to remember that what we do, does not define us, because at any moment the earthly things that define us can be gone in a moment. Jobs change, kids grow up, callings change, figures change, things get broken, injuries, etc.
We will always be a Child of God. No matter what fires we walk through, what roads we travel. Our Heavenly Father loves us, He loves me. I matter to Him. But with this knowledge I must also remember to reflect that love in the hats I wear. I must reflect His light in my daily life.

So I ask you, What hat will you wear first?

On the eleventh day of Thanksgiving...

On the eleventh day of Thanksgiving my Heavenly Father gave to me...
Scott=)

Scott and I have been married now a little over 18 years. But we both know, that we have  known each other much longer. For those of you have seen Saturdays Warrior, or are familiar with it, You know the story of the couple who told each other they would find each other on earth, and through many different obstacles they found each other at the right time, and right place....well that's us. It was meant to be, despite many challenges along the way, Heavenly Father's plan for us was very thought out. Every marriage has it's rough patches...but we always pull through. We have worked together, through everything and for everything we have. He works harder than anyone I know, and has managed to accomplish most of what he has set out for. he sill hasn't figured out his own sleeping pod yet;) But when he does, the world will be complete. Scott IS my better half. He is patient with me, kind, understanding, giving, sacrifices immensely for me and the children. He is brilliant! He is a super hero in the children's eyes. He is a worthy priesthood holder. He gives the best hugs. He tolerates my butterfly and fishy kisses. He loves to snuggle. He listens better than anyone I know. He is 100% supportive of everything me and the children do...100%! He is a wonderful father. He is my strength when I am weak. He is has popped his bubble for me. He is forgiving.
I love Scott. I do not think there are words in any human language to express the gratitude I have in my heart for him. Scott is a very tender hearted person. We laughed when Shrek came out and the whole onion theory. Scott is like and onion, he has layers. But his inner most layer is a teddy bear. I am grateful I get to know that Scott. I am grateful he is by my side in all things. He looks for the best in me.
 I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for Temple covenants and Eternal Marriage. i will never forget as we left the temple grounds as husband and wife, we looked up in the sky and were, what felt like being escorted, a flock of real doves...like 25 of them. they stay with us all the way to the freeway. What a peaceful easy feeling to know the Lord is on our side. Scott I love you and "Everything I do, I will do it for you!"
There is a great song...yes I love music..we have addressed this already=) But there is a song...I have loved for over 25 years and now looking back over the last 18...it is us. It is called 'It Takes Two' from Stephan Sondheim's musical Into the Woods (So excited Orem is doing this musical Go see it next week=))
Here is a link to the music: It Takes Two
Here are the lyrics:
(Bakers Wife)
You've changed.


You're daring.

You're different in the woods.

More sure.

More sharing.

You're getting us through the woods.

If you could see-

You're not the man who started,

And much more openhearted

Than I knew

You to be.

[BAKER]

It takes two.

I thought one was enough,

It's not true:

It takes two of us

You came through

When the journey was rough.

It took you.

It took two of us.

It takes care.

It takes patience and fear and despair

To change.

Though you swear

To change,

Who can tell if you do?

It takes two.

[BAKER'S WIFE]

You've changed.

You're thriving.

There's something about the woods.

Not just

Surviving.

You're blossoming in the woods.

At home I'd fear

We'd stay the same forever.

And then out here-

You're passionate

Charming,

Considerate,

Clever-

[BAKER]

It takes one

To begin, but then once

You've begun,

It takes two of you.

It's no fun,

But what needs to be done

You can do

When there's two of you.

If I dare,

It's because I'm becoming

Aware of us

As a pair of us,

Each accepting a share

Of what's there.

[BOTH]

We've changed.

We're strangers.

I'm meeting you in the woods.

Who minds

What dangers?

I know we'll get past the woods.

And once we're past,

Lets' hope the changes last

Beyond woods,

Beyond witches and slippers and hoods,

Just the two of us-

Beyond lies,

Safe at home with out beautiful prize,

Just the few of us.

It takes trust.

It takes just

A bit more

And we're done.

We want four,

We had none.

We've got three.

We need one.

It takes two.



We work together so well! WE have managed to survive because we realize it takes the two of us to make it all work=) I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly father for my eternal companion Scott!

On the tenth day of Thanksgiving....(caught up)

 On the tenth day of Thanksgiving my Heavenly father gave to me...

Abigail=)

I think I do not know where to start with Abby...Since the moment she was present in our lives, which was about week one of maternity, no joke, Our lives have been uplifted. Abby was by far my hardest pregnancy. I was sick for the first five months,but that is not what made it hard. I wanted a little baby girl. More than anyone could even know. We did not find out what we were having so the 9 months were rough. Every doctor would say "oh that heart beat is so strong...it's a boy." Every Doctor and I saw 4! They didn't understand, this baby came to me and whispered in my ear it's name and I do not think a boy would want to be called Abigail. This was not even a name we had ever even considered. but it was told to me, clear as day...My name is Abigail. I called Scott and he was so sweet and kind, trying to comfort me because how could this be if it is a boy.........This baby was strong. You could see it kick and move from across the room, for hours we would watch....BECAUSE IT DIDN'T GO TO BED....EVER! Well I prayed, and pleaded with my Heavenly Father. he knew my desires were righteous....we had a baby girl Abigail=) She WAS strong! She held her head up at birth and had the calf muscles of trained athlete. NO JOKE! Abby was a joy! She kept us on our toes from the day she was born! She was a  delight BUT was not content week 3 rolled over, all the time, crawled at 2 months and walked by 7 months. She was independent and ready for the party.

Abby is my best friend. Heavenly Father knew I needed her. She knows when I am sad and need a hug. She knows when I need a note of encouragement. She shares in my ridiculous humor=). She laughs at my silly jokes. She helps where ever I am lacking. She is a friend to everyone. She loves special needs children. She follows the promptings of the spirit. She is an incredible example to her younger siblings. Abby is my second chance at life. Abby reminds me of  great sacrifice. I am Abby's younger sister, haha=) Abby loves to hang out with me. Abby still pretends to let me pick out her clothes. She lets me do her make up. Abby is everything. Life has given Abby incredible experiences, that most of us might only see once a lifetime, and Abby is her lifetime. She has taught us to believe in our dreams. She has taught us faith. Abby radiates inner beauty. Abby makes the world better wherever she is. ABBY LOVES LIFE!!!!!!

 I am honored to be her mother. I can not wait to see her reach her goals in the years to come. She has grown up in the blink of an eye. Our little "bum in air" will fly away soon to school, to a mission, to her own home........BUT she will always be our Roo, the one who started this party!

I express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father who heard a broken heart 17 years ago and blessed our live with our Monkey.....Abigail