I have to return some video tapes.

this might come as a shock to most of you out there but im not generally liked (rolls his eyes at general knowledge). however, i really dont care why for most situations. yeah i know ive done stupid things dwanye & jessica, sonny & becki, along with carmen. these people have every right to dislike me even hate me, and some do, some just ignore my existence. people wonder why im so paranoid...why wouldnt i be, i think everyone has a reason to stay away. and while some dont have a reason to stay away they find me so annoying....well you can guess it. i think ive always been right, for me all i can do is have hopes of starting over with a clean slate somewhere else. cause people hardly ever really do forget or forgive. though i truly wonder how did i loose my friendship with evan? he bailed on me, ignore me, and talk about his real thoughts with everyone else except me. he told me he thought we should delay getting the place because he wanted to save up for furniture. honestly i knew there was more to it but i shouldnt have to drag it out of him. will was told he thought the apartment was ghetto. sonny was told evan was afraid i couldnt keep a job and that by leaving brakecheck i prove him right. i only got a job there to prove to evan i could get a "normal" job. so then why hasnt evan given me a rang yet? is it because i disclosed my pain to gilbert(one of evan's co-workers). i feel betrayed. not to mention forgotten. but i feel forgotten by oh so many friends. so after a long time i had finally let my self just cry. i just let it out. yeah i felt a bit better releasing it, but the problems still existed and i dont really like crying. oh yeah....i had mention this to carmen about having no friends and etc. she said well you have sonny. i have sonny as a friend only when becky is at work. yeah he calls me when he wants me to glance at his linux box (well this is how it feels at least)....but will he call with it being just perfect and needing no ride? hell, i wonder if he was ever told that what i said to carmen about becky was actually heard from evan who heard it from misty. and that while i shouldnt have repeated it to anyone i did express amusement at the rumor....though i shouldnt of. i honestly do dislike her because i equate him meeting her with the same time as our friendship falling apart. that and i really resented him and the others seeing me as a man-whore posssible of trying to rape a girl. yes when i was asked i responded with something stupid but its because i was afraid and i knew how they already viewed me. if he and i hadnt of fallen out of friendship would i of advised him against being with becky? i dont know i dont think i would of only because i never have tried to steer him away from women i didnt approve of. but the resentment of loosing him as friend is just another wound i had to take care of. yes i get crazy and manic when i loose a friend. i.e. when dwayne started dating jessica, i already felt like she was distorting dwayne and i's friendship and i resented it. i honestly know that either way without the drama i cause or with theres no way i could of maintained the friendship i felt i had. what else do i have in my closet...well i guess thats it for now. where do i go now?

fuck.