Mesarchia

Mesarchia (mes-ar’-chi-a): The repetition of the same word or words at the beginning and middle of successive sentences.


Trouble doubles when you try too hard. Trouble looks at you as you try something new. Trouble is a knot you try to unravel with clumsy fingers.

Trouble besets us everywhere—on a doorstep, in the bathroom, on the highway, at the movies, and around. This was how Billie Jean dealt with her unwanted pregnancy, nagging Michael Jackson, forcing him to write a song about it and share the song’s revenues with her.

I was no stranger to trouble. It started with having a tooth pulled when I was 12 years old. As a reward for not crying or screaming, the dentist gave me a silver dollar. I tried to buy some strawberry shoe strings with it at “Matola’s Atomic Candy.” It was the fifties and everything was atomic—atomic pizza, atomic socks, atomic Lima beans, atomic cigarettes, etc. etc.

Mr. Matola frowned when I handed him my silver dollar. He tapped on the counter and told me it was fake—he could tell by the sound. I went back to the dentist and told him the silver dollar he had given me was fake. He denied ever giving me anything, let alone, a silver dollar. He told me to get out of his office and come back when I had a cavity or something.

I reported him to the police, but I was the one who got in trouble for trying to pay for candy with counterfeit money. I was convicted of passing counterfeit money, fined $50.00 and received a suspended six-month sentence at juvenile hall. I had two months to pay the fine, and then, I’d be remanded to juvenile hall.

I was big—six-foot three. Even though I was only 12, I got a job as a bouncer at “Pokey’s Hole.” it was the sleaziest bar for 500 miles around. The things that went on there are unmentionable. I had almost accumulated $50 when the police raided Pokey’s. I was arrested, and for an array of reasons, was sent off to juvenile hall to serve my counterfeiting sentence.

Trouble is my middle name. I don’t know how to stay out of it. When I get out of juvenile hall, I plan on becoming a stick-up man. I’ve ordered a balaclava from L.L Bean.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Mesodiplosis

Mesodiplosis (mes-o-dip-lo’-sis): Repetition of the same word or words in the middle of successive sentences.


I was bumping, bumping along. Mt father was pulling me in my wagon bumping, bumping over the sidewalk. My wagon had no springs—it was a hard ride. In fact, my butt was getting sore. I wanted to say something like “Daddy my behind hurts.” But, I knew he would become angry, pull the wagon faster, and prolong our trip to cause me more pain. He carried a Ruger .357 stuck in the back of his pants. He said he would only use it on dogs that attacked us.

I had to get out of the wagon! So, when we went over a big bump I pretended to fall out. I hit the pavement pretty hard. My ears were ringing. Dad pulled the pistol, spun around, and aimed it at my head. I was terrified. He said, “I know what you’re up to, you little shit.!” I knew too: I just wanted to get out of the wagon before my bottom started bleeding.” I said, “Oh yeah? Tell me what I’m up to.” He said, “You need a drink. If you get out of the wagon you’ll go straight to “Willie’s Bar. You’ll get drunk and your mother will kill me.”

First, I was only six years old—Willie’s was not an option. Second,,Mom had disappeared last week. That’s why Dad had come to take care of me. His idea of taking care of me was having a Dairy Queen swirl for breakfast and dinner every day. We didn’t eat lunch because “it makes you fat.”

Next:

Two things happened: 1. They found Mom tied up in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town; 2. Mom implicated Dad in her abduction. 3. Dad had recently escaped from a facility for the criminally insane where he had been incarcerated for stealing chocolate bars and feeding them to dogs. The ASPCA had offered a reward of $500 for his capture and imprisonment. It looked like maybe Mom was due the $500 for ratting out dad. She was already planning a weekend in Miami with the reward money. She was concerned that her rope burns were not very attractive.

For my part, I had gotten my hands on Dad’s .357 and I was really anxious to shoot something. There was a squirrel that irritated the hell out of me with its chattering all day long. It lived in the tree right outside my bedroom window. Easy shot! I put up my window and raised the gun. Holy shit! It was my father sitting there on the limb. He had escaped! He told me to give him the gun. I said “Bullshit” and threw the gun out the window. The gun went off when it hit the ground and shot my father in the foot. He screamed while I called 911. He was handcuffed and driven away in an ambulance while Mom yelled at him from the front porch.

I turned the gun in anonymously. At the age of 6 I had been through a lot. Now that I’m sixteen, I look back and thank God I got through it all. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to kill the damn irritating squirrel. It’s still going strong.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Mesozeugma

Mesozeugma (me’-so-zyoog’-ma): A zeugma in which one places a common verb for many subjects in the middle of a construction.


The parade of trucks, cars, motorcycles, skateboards, bicycles, scooters, steam rollers, baby carriages, lawn mowers, wagons, and many, many more wheeled conveyances rolled past my door on their way to the fairgrounds. It was the “200th Annual Things on Wheels Festival.” The “200th” was a really big deal.

Ely Marticks had been run over and killed by a hay wagon 200 years ago. The Fair honors him. He was what back then they called “slow” or “different.” He was a troublemaker—he drooled on his money before he paid for something at the general store. He would light things on fire just to watch them burn—nothing big, but little things like knitting needles and girls’ baby dolls. He would pee on peoples’ front doors and run away. He slept in the kennels at the dog pound, at dog food, and transmitted fleas to anybody he got close to.

Ely’s antics were tolerated because of his difference. The townspeople were God-fearing church-going people. They worshipped every Sunday, singing hymns, abiding by charity and forgiving Ely for his troublesome ways. However, there was one person who lived in town who was an atheist and believed it was a dog eat dog world: Barney Pinkston. He hated Ely and started a campaign to tar and feather him and run him out of town on a rail.

Nobody joined Barney’s campaign. Barney drove the hay wagon for Mister Bell’s farm. He planned to lure Ely in front of the wagon and roll over him and kill him. The day came. Ely was standing by the side of the road. Barney threw a candy bar in front of the wagon. Ely jumped for it and the wagon rolled over his neck and killed him. When people heard about Ely’s death, a cheer went up.

The town was typical. It was filled with hypocrites—ungodly, uncharitable, intolerant people who faked their religiosity because they were too cowardly to kill Ely themselves. Barney was hailed as a hero, got off the murder charge on a technicality, and was elected mayor.

Now, the Festival continues. Its origins as a celebration of Ely Martick’s murder have been forgotten. It has become a celebration of Ely’s heroism, for running in front of a hay wagon and sacrificing his life to save a kitten.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Metabasis

Metabasis (me-ta’-ba-sis): A transitional statement in which one explains what has been and what will be said.


“So far, I’ve told you about my secret life. I’m pretty sure I can’t trust you to keep your mouth shut, but I had to tell you about it so our relationship can be based on truth. Next, I’m going to review a few of the horrible things I’ll do to you if you tell anybody what I’ve told you: 1. Burn you alive, 2. Throw you off a cliff, 3. Cut you up with my chain saw, 4. Throw you out of a helicopter, 5.Electrocute you, 6. Freeze you to death in a walk-in freezer, 7. Put you in a tub full of battery acid.

There are five is six more things I could do to you, but these seven are the best. They inflict the most suffering and they’re all lethal. If you can think of any more, let me know and I’ll add them to the list!

Why at are you crying? You’re tied to a big comfy chair and you haven’t had an opportunity to disclose my secret life to anybody. You’re as safe as a little bird in a cage, for the time being I guess.

Oh —pain in the ass. Somebody’s ringing my door bell. I guess I’ll go answer it.

It was your mother. She had the nerve to accuse me of kidnapping you. I invited her in and pushed her down basement stairs. So much for her accusations. I apologize for killing your mother, but what other choice did I have? My pet crocodile that lives in the basement will take care of her—he’ll even eat her clothes!

Ok, now that you are aware of ‘consequences’ I’m going to turn you loose. Make sure to add to the list of unmentionables my murder of your mother.”

“Oh Carl. You are the treasure of my heart, the crown of my love, the icing on my cake!” said Penny. “Oh Penny! This is looking pretty good. You may be the first woman willing to honor my wishes and stay alive.” Penny got ahold of Carl’s chainsaw. Her father had shown he how to use a chainsaw when she was 12. Carls was shaking all over and peed his pants as Penny approached him. He begged and cowered . while she cranked up the saw. She took off his head with one quick swipe. It thudded when it hit the floor. She threw his headless corpse down the basement stairs where the crocodiles would take care of him.

Then she thought of all the ridiculous things Carl threatened to do to her. They did scare the hell out of her, but she was going to tell people about Carl’s secret life anyway. Most of the “secrets” were laughable and signs of Carl’s madness. For example, he liked smelling his dirty socks, eating his boogers, grabbing woman’s asses at the mall, peeping into his neighbor’s windows, sticking Crisco-coated writing implements and Tonka trucks up his ass, and when his dog pees on the carpet Carls rubs his own nose in it.

Taken together, these activities add up to lunacy. Penny was right to cut off Carl’s head.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Metalepsis

Metalepsis (me-ta-lep’-sis): Reference to something by means of another thing that is remotely related to it, either through a farfetched causal relationship, or through an implied intermediate substitution of terms. Often used for comic effect through its preposterous exaggeration. A metonymical substitution of one word for another which is itself figurative.


“Hey, snow tire face.” There it was! I could not escape the moniker. I was famous as the “boy who was run over by a snow plow.” It was December, 1967. I had hollowed out a snowbank by the side of my street. It was my snow fort when I was ringed by snowball-throwing friends. It was sturdy. I had dumped buckets of water on it that froze, giving it a shell of ice. I called it Ft. Frosty.

I even went out in Ft. Frosty at night. I lit a candle and pretended I was an Eskimo—Nanuck—who we learned about in geography class. I asked our butcher when he was getting some blubber and he would laugh at me and throw me a slice of boiled ham.

So, one night I was out in Fort Frosty listening to Cousin Brucy on my little transistor radio. I was bobbing my head to “Leader of the Pack” when suddenly I heard roaring and saw flashing lights. I had an idea of what it was. It had been snowing all day and, in addition to the roaring, I could hear metal scraping the street. “It’s a friggin’ snowplow!” I yelled “And it’s coming right at Fort Frosty. I’m gonna’ die!” I broke my head through the roof of Fort Frosty and started yelling at the snowplow. The driver heard me and veered away just in time, but not far enough. The metal plow blade missed me. Not so for the rest of the plow. It ran over my head and flattened it, leaving the imprint of one of the plow’s snow tires on what was left of my my face.

I am a miracle modern medicine. I am grateful to be alive, but I’m one of the greatest oddities in the world. I travel around displaying my squashed head and the snow-tire track on my face. I sell t-shirts and sell tickets to make a living. Last week, I was in Japan and was offered a role in an upcoming Godzilla movie. My head gets stepped on by Godzilla as he rampages through Tokyo. Then, we make friends and I ride on Godzilla suggesting things for him to destroy. I am like Godzilla’s mentor. We start production in July. I looking forward to it!

In the meantime, I just finished my tour of Canada. The Canadians are very polite. For example.one Canadian psychologist offered me 100 counseling sessions for free to help me cope with my squashed head. That’s kindness! Also, a Canadian Mountie pushed me around in a wheelchair the whole time I was in Toronto. I told him I didn’t need it and she told me not to “fret.” I almost cried. Canada is so different from the United States where they taunt me with “Snow Tire Face” and “Pancake Head.” These kinds of names are very hurtful—they remind me of the two permanent tragedies of my life. A plastic surgeon has told me he can re-spherisize my head and remove the tire tracks from my face. But, if I did that, I’d lose my livelihood.

I’m thinking of moving to Canada where I feel almost normal. I would call myself “Rudder” after my flat head or “Tracky” after my face’s scar, or maybe “Shoe.”


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Metallage

Metallage (me-tal’-la-gee): When a word or phrase is treated as an object within another expression.


“Ferryboats from hell.” It was splashed across a billboard. If I saw another “ferry boats from hell” I knew I’d go crazy. Ferryboats from hell was a secret curse used by demented sea captains to confuse average everyday people, making them more susceptible to being shanghaied and enslaved on ferryboats in harbors throughout the world. Just the other day I saw 5 people on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry wearing life preservers and waving their arms. I couldn’t hear what they were yelling, but two of them pulled down their pants and mooned me—a sure sign of distress.

After I told the police about my experience with “Ferryboats from hell,” I ended up strapped to a bed in a mental hospital. I kept crying out for a cigar until a kind nurse brought me rubber one. It has embers and ashes painted on the tip and squeaks when I bite into it. As a joke, I stuck it in my ass and made it squeak with my sphincter muscle. When they heard about what I’d done, doctors and nurses crowded around my bed, talking on their cellphones, taking pictures, writing notes and asking me questions: “Do you know where you are?” “What did you have for lunch?” “Why are you here?” “Do you hate your mother?” “Do you know anything about woodchucks chucking wood?” “How did you get that cigar up your ass with your arms tied down.” I told them it was the nurse. She blushed when they all turned and looked at her. Then it happened: “It looks like you have an erection.” That was not a question. It infuriated me and I struggled with my restraints, rocking the bed back and forth. Unfortunately, the cigar started coming loose, but foolish me, I kept struggling. The doctors and nurses stood there with their mouths hanging open, like they were looking at a zoo animal gone rogue.

I got loose and ran out of the hospital with the rubber cigar sticking out of my ass, from my open-backed hospital gown. The cigar fell out of my ass as I exited the hospital and ran down the front steps. It rolled down the stairs after me. I stopped to pick it up to stick back in later. That’s when I was grabbed by two burly orderlies and hauled back to my room.

POSTSCRIPT

I’ve been lying here watching “Love Boat” and “Carol Burnett” reruns for two weeks. I think Gopher is really cool. I am trying to act like him so I can get out of this place.

They say I’m getting better and will be discharged as soon as my insurance runs out.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Metaphor

Metaphor (met’-a-phor): A comparison made by referring to one thing as another.


I had a purée of nuts and bolts resting in a bucket in my garage. I had been running them through the bolt grinder I had invented two days ago. Although they were metal they are smooth as silk. I don’t know why I invented the bolt grinder. I think I was off my nut. I go off and on my nut, sometimes on a daily basis—off my nut drifting in a sea of uncertainty, a leaky barge following the tide toward the rocks. But then, I recover, repaired and whole wearing my nut like a life preserver.

I am a professional inventor, and this how it goes. When I invented the tinsel bird nest, I went so far off my nut I almost never came back! I went bananas! That’s right! Bananas! I was surrounded by bananas wearing condoms line dancing to Dolly Parton singing a song about lonely weasels playing corn hole on a rooftop in Texas. It scared the total shit out of me, but I continued on. The tinsel bird nest was huge hit. People put hard-boiled eggs in them and used them to decorate their Christmas trees. I became “the my tinsel bird nest guy” and did fairs and conventions with “the my pillow guy.” We parted ways when he tried to smother one of my bird nests with one of his pillows. I also found out that they weren’t “his” pillows. They were manufactured in Venezuela and often filled with cocaine smuggled into America. I turned him in, He was arrested and is serving 5 years in a federal penitentiary.

After the nuts and bolts, my next project is edible clothing. Just think: it’s dinner time. You take off your shirt, roll it into a ball, dampen it in the sink, and microwave it on high for a couple of minutes. You smell roast chicken. You pull your shirt out of the microwave, cut it into equal portions, add mashed potatoes, stove top stuffing, and gravy and eat! The shirts will come in an array of delicious meals and will be so cheap you can eat them every night if you wish. Also, there will be underpants that make cakes and pies! Just think, pumpkin underpants pie for Thanksgiving!

My first invention was a fermented shark filter. Fermented sharks stinks more than any edible substance in the world, but it tastes very very good. The fermented shark filter is u-shaped and fits in the nostrils. It has foam rubber inserts permeated with lavender juice. If the stench becomes too great while you’re eating the shark, you give the nose plugs a light squeeze. Easy and effective!

My biggest failure was a kind of glue to hold up peoples’ pants in lieu of a belt, elastic, or suspenders. The glue was really strong and it tore off pieces of flesh when people pulled their pants down. I had so many lawsuits that I had to declare bankruptcy. But now I’m back! I think things through and anticipate pitfalls. It’ll take me awhile to figure out what to do with the puréed nuts and bolts, but I’m tending toward filling capsules with it and selling it as a supplement, as “Iron Gates.” Otherwise, I’ll just stay off my nut—toasted and cracked. Ha ha!


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Metaplasm

Metaplasm (met’-a-plazm): A general term for orthographical figures (changes to the spelling of words). This includes alteration of the letters or syllables in single words, including additions, omissions, inversions, and substitutions. Such changes are considered conscious choices made by the artist or orator for the sake of eloquence or meter, in contrast to the same kinds of changes done accidentally and discussed by grammarians as vices (see barbarism). See: antistheconaphaeresisapocopeepenthesisparagoge, synaloepha.


The wa-wa tumbled over the cliff making a beautiful wa-wa fall. It crashed on the rocks 100 feet below. When I was a toddler my mother taught me to call water “wa-wa.” She would say “Drink your wa-wa Johnny so you can be big and strong.” I’m 28 and I’m not big and strong and I routinely embarrass myself by calling water wa-wa. For example, in a bar ordering a whiskey and wa-wa. Or, “more wa-wa” in a restaurant, or a bottled wa-wa at Cliff’s. I always thought of George Harrison’s “wah-wah” pedal when I was drinking a glass of wa-wa and wished I could play the guitar like him. I tried. I started saying “It’s me the wah-wah bloke.” It didn’t work. People just looked at me and shook their heads.

Then, I found out I was suffering from “Baby Speak;” the fixation on baby talk. For example sufferers would say “potty” instead of toilet, or “tootyburger” instead of poop, or “choo choo” instead of train, or “ba ba” instead of bottle. When I looked at the list of words, I realized I said choo-choo and ba-ba all the time. Wa-wa wasn’t my only vice. I needed help!

I Googled my malady and found a doctor in North Carolina. Almost immediately, I took a choo-choo to Raleigh. I was greeted by Doctor Ima Bigboy at the choo-choo station. My therapy consisted in living in a hospital maternity ward for one month. Dr. Bigboy called it “aversion therapy.” I would get so sick of hearing baby talk that I would stop using it. After a month, I was clear.

Dr. Bigboy charged Mr $10,000, but it was worth it. My life is completely different. I have friends and a girlfriend named Barbara. I call her “Ba-Ba” for short.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Metastasis

Metastasis (me-tas’-ta-sis): Denying and turning back on your adversaries arguments used against you.


I yelled: “You tell me I stepped on your model airplane! What a load of shit. YOU stepped on it last night when you were sleepwalking.” It was time to put an end to Manny’s wandering around the apartment like a zombie at night. Stepping on his model airplane was a real tragedy. I might’ve knocked it off the mantle when I was dancing with my pillow in front of the fireplace entranced by the crackling rhythm of the flames. But, I was fully awake. I just hadn’t noticed what I had done. A simple accident, but not for Manny. The model airplane had gotten him elected President of Model Airplane Club in high school and inspired him to become and aeronautical engineer, designing things that fly—from the new Hypersonic-Frisbee to the Flying Cellphone: say “Here phone” and it flies to you from where you misplaced it. Many’s goal in life is to make everything fly. Currently, he’s working on a drone to backlight nighttime barbecues with different colored lights, lasers, play music, and also project what’s cooking on the grill onto a hovering screen. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought Manny was sleep flying! But that wasn’t so.

I had to get Manny cured before he did any more damage—not only to things, but to himself. I had heard about a doctor who specialized in curing sleepwalking. His name was Dr. Zzzz. He had come to the US from Panama where he had almost single-handedly cured the entire country of sleep walking. Only a handful of Panamanians still sleepwalked, and that was because they enjoyed it and wanted to.

Dr. Zzzz met with Manny and told him the sleepwalking cure went in three phases.: 1. Duct taped to the bed, 2. Remove duct tape and wear roller skates to bed, 3. Remove roller skates and take two blue pills before going to bed. Manny was uncomfortable with the regime: two blue pills were not a cure—they were barbiturates! However, after he had injured himself rollerskating to the bathroom at night, Manny vowed to see the cure through—but the pills were too much. I talked him into taking them, just to finish things off and send Dr. Zzzz on his way. So, Manny took the pills and slept like a baby.

The next day Dr. Zzzz told us the pills were made of Sommulous Beetle wings. An ancient Panamanian remedy, they alter the sleepwalking center of the brain, making it permanently lay down. So, the blue pills cure sleepwalking. Manny was officially “cured,” but, sleepwalking incidences continued to occur—things knocked off the mantle, orange juice left on the kitchen counter, clothes pulled off the hangers in the front hall closet, laundry from the dryer scattered on the floor, etc.

We got a couple of security video cameras and set them up in the apartment. We discovered it was me who was sleepwalking. I was so ashamed. We hired Dr. Zzzz to cure me. It worked and now the apartment is sleepwalker-free.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Metonymy

Metonymy (me-ton’-y-my): Reference to something or someone by naming one of its attributes. [This may include effects or any of the four Aristotelian causes {efficient/maker/inventor, material, formal/shape, final/purpose}.]


I was inked from head to toe. On my forehead I had the Yankees scoreboard tattooed. On my toe I had a domino tattooed. I had over 600 tattoos on my body. They were random and unconnected. In a way they symbolized how screwy I am. Now, I had my eye on a new tattoo. I’m no brain, but I think I have chosen the right image to finish inking myself up. I had met a girl at Duncan Donuts. She looked as covered in ink as me. I picked her up and we went back to my place to show off our tattoos to each other. Her head wasn’t tattooed, but the rest of her was. One was a line of guys standing outside a Porta-Potty captioned “Whole lotta love” after the Led Zeppelin song. I thought the tribute to Zed Zeppelin was really amazing. One of her ass cheeks was tattooed like a watermelon and the other was tattooed like a soufflé. I thought those two tattoos were creative and classy. Then, she had a tattoo of a dagger stuck in hey heart. It was captioned “Betrayal.” I almost cried. My tattoos were inane pieces of shit compared to hers.

I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. We agreed to get tattoos commemorating our love. I thought, and thought, and thought. I only had about a three-inch patch of unlinked skin left on my body. It was my penis. I hadn’t got it inked because I thought it might render me impotent, but this was an emergency: I promised Annabelle that I’d do it. I went to Inky’s where I always went for my tattoos. I was ready. I told Inky to make my pecker into a rocket ship. He complied. It took four hours of buzzing and grimacing. The rocket ship said “Annabelle” on one side and “Davy” (me) on the other. Inky smeared my wang with bacitracin and wrapped a bandage around it. It hurt like hell.

I invited Annabelle over to check it out. She rang the bell in 15 minutes. I opened the door and waved my wang at her. When I showed her our names on it, she clapped her hands and said she loved it. I asked her if she had had her tat done yet. She said “No” and that she had a confession to make: she had no tattoos. The ones she had shown me were from her MFA project: “Washable Ink: No Commitment.”

We loved each other anyway and got married.

As part of her MFA project, she had developed a spray jet that drew as effectively on skin as a tattoo needle, but used special washable ink and caused no pain. We opened a tattoo parlor called “Ink in the Sink.” We specialize in washable tattoos. In addition to our shop, we travel to fairs and expositions “tattooing” people.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Ominatio

Ominatio (o-mi-na’-ti-o): A prophecy of evil.


I felt the gas bubble moving through my intestines. Soon, there would be a foul smelling stench permeating the elevator. I felt blessed. I hated these people and any evil that befell them delighted me. I would announce that I was the fart’s perpetrator. I would say “Please excuse me” as if I cared. Like I said, I didn’t care. I hoped they all fainted on the elevator’s floor, overcome by my fart’s gas.

These were my co-workers. I was 22 and going bald. They made fun of me whenever they could. “How’s shiny mountain?” “Hey chrome dome.” “Hair today, gone tomorrow.” “You’re getting really thin.” There were 50 or 60 more insults regularly hurled my way. Suffice it to say they all hurt me. My colleagues would laugh a cheerful laugh when they insulted me, like we were somehow having fun together. I hated it. My hatred had led me to eat only fart food and hold my farts for the elevator ride to the 40th floor. Some days I was luckier than others, today’s fart fest netted an elevator almost solely filled with co-workers. It was beautiful. But now, they were calling me “Farting Baldy.”

I couldn’t take it any more. On our next ride up in the elevator, I said, “I predict you’re all going to die a horrible death.” They all laughed. One of them said “You’re farting up the wrong tree amigo.” Little did he know I had hatched a plan to kill an elevator-load of the goddamn bastards—including him (if he was aboard).

I started monitoring the elevator, seeing who boarded it. When it was packed with colleagues, I would jump aboard. When we got to the 39th floor, I would press the emergency stop button, which would keep the elevator stopped in place for 15 minutes. I would talk them into letting me climb out of the elevator’s top hatch to see if maybe I could fix the elevator. I had a pair of bolt cutters hidden in my trench coat. I was going to cut the elevator’s cable and dangle there while the elevator plunged 40 stories and killed everybody. I would escape and nobody would be the wiser.

It happened!

I cut the cable and enjoyed hearing everybody scream as they plunged 40 stories to their (well-deserved) deaths. Then there was a loud boinging sound at the bottom of the shaft. There were safety springs that absorbed the elevator’s fall!

There were a few minor injuries, but nobody died. I got away. A couple of my colleagues suspected me, but their suspicions went nowhere.

I stopped eating fart food and was fitted with a Neil Young toupee last week. Everything has quieted down. I’m learning how to play the harmonica.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Onedismus

Onedismus (on-e-dis’-mus): Reproaching someone for being impious or ungrateful.


“When you cross a bridge, you’re supposed to cross yourself and thank God for the bridge not collapsing” Janey told me as we crossed the bridge. I had never crossed myself and thanked God, and my bridge crossings always went well. Janey considered herself religious. I told her I thought she was an impious, superstitious, blaspheming God scoffer. She told me she’d light a candle for me the next time she went to church. I told her sarcastically I’d go along with her to watch the magic. She went to church every night.

We got inside the church and went up to the candle rack. She put twenty-five cents in the little metal box, and then, lit a candle for me and said a little prayer: “Please God, don’t collapse the bridge under Johnny the next time he crosses it. He does not deserve to die yet. He is good to his mother and feeds Mr. Torchy, the family cat, Spare him!” I laughed. When Janey turned around for a second, I blew out the candle. When she turned back around and saw that the candle was out, she started crying and hugged me and told me I was going to die. God was going to take me away, probably to heaven, but away anyway. She said it was probably because I made fun of her religiosity. I told her it wasn’t religiosity, it was superstition. Praying while going over a bridge was actually impious—calling on God for such a bizarre intervention—it was like praying not to get a gravy stain on your sweater, then feeling blessed when you don’t. It was loony. You’re supposed to pray for things like world peace or the end of world hunger.

Janey was convinced I was going to die the next time I went over the bridge without praying for a safe crossing. She made me look at urns on the web and almost convinced me to buy one. I changed my mind at the last minute. She was driving me crazy. On Monday, I had to go to Elizabeth to pick up my new leather jacket at the Mafia outlet in “somebody’s” basement. I had phoned in my order and was supposed to pick the jacket up at 2:00. All transactions were cash, so I had to stop at an ATM before I crossed the Goethals Bridge into Jersey.

I was scared crossing the bridge, I almost prayed, but nothing happened, nothing, that is, until my car exploded and burst into flames on the Jersey side as I exited the bridge. I bailed out and watched my piece of shit car burn. It smelled like candle wax.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Optatio

Optatio (op-ta’-ti-o): Expressing a wish, often ardently.


“When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.”

I would sing this in the shower, when I was walking to school, and when I was tucked in at night to go to sleep. I wished on a star every night—usually out my bedroom window. There are so many stars, I couldn’t seem to find the right one. Maybe Jiminy Cricket was full of shit.

To no avail, it seemed like I had been wishing for my own color TV since I was born: Hi definition, 50” screen, surround sound. I would stream anything I wanted. I was especially keen on “Monk” and “Stranger Things.” But no, my wishes went unheeded. Why couldn’t I get a wish through to what I called “The Cosmic Grantors?” I decided to check out “Esau’s Voodoo Shop.” It was crazy, but he came highly recommended by my Gym teacher for helping him settle some marital problems. He made my gym teacher’s wife literally disappear. That’s some pretty powerful voodoo.

Esau charged me $5.00. He told me to buy a bull horn and use it to make my wish so I would be heard. And also, to sing my wish, not say it. I was singing my wish out my widow through my bull horn when the doorbell rang. My father yelled up the stairs “The door’s for you idiot.”

The man passing by had heard me singing and was deeply impressed by my voice. He had been scouting for talent around the country and offered me a role in a Hollywood remake of “Pinocchio.” After my first paycheck, I bought my TV


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Onomatopoeia

Onomatopoeia (on-o-mat-o-pee’-a): Using or inventing a word whose sound imitates that which it names (the union of phonetics and semantics).


My little brother was slurping his tomato soup. It was our lunch. On a cold winter day it warmed us up a little to go out and earn some money shoveling snow. But my little brother’s slurping was making me crazy. I yelled “Cut out the slurping dipshit.” My mother put her hand over her mouth and ran out of the kitchen.

My little brother laughed a kept slurping. I lost it. I threw my bowl of soup at him hoping to fracture his skull. I missed, but it shut him up. It hit our cat Manny pretty hard when it landed on the floor. He was unconscious for 2 or 3 seconds and woke up and started licking the soup off his fur. The bowl was broken. I put the pieces in a paper bag. I would dump them somewhere when we were snow shoveling.

We got bundled up and went out to the garage to get our shovels. We shoveled our walk and then went off to make our fortune. Our first stop was going to be Mr. Bringle’s. He was really old and had trouble just walking to his mailbox. We would do our usual scam—shovel the walk first and then go to the door and ask for money. It never failed to bring in the bucks. So, we started to shovel Mr. Bringle’s walk. It had snowed around five inches so it was heavy lifting. My little brother was shoveling the porch. I was doing the sidewalk. I got halfway up the walk and hit something like a rock. I brushed off the snow. It was Mr. Bingle! He was frozen solid to the sidewalk in his pajamas. He had a scratch-off lotto ticket in his hand. I “retrieved” it.

It had been scratched off. It had won $5,555.00. I stuck the ticket into my coat pocket and called 911 on my cellphone. We waited for the ambulance and then went “Larry’s Liquors” where lotto tickets are sold and redeemed. When I showed the ticket to Larry he said “Wow. I can’t redeem that—it’s too much money. You have to take it to the Lotto Commission in Albany.”

My mom drove me to Albany. I had my choice of a check or cash. I took cash and was almost out the door when the cashier asked me if I was 18. I said “No. I found the ticket. Finders keepers.” He said “Losers weepers. Ha ha!” Mom laughed too. On the ride home, she said she wanted $2,500.00 to keep her mouth shut.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Orcos

Orcos (or’-kos): Swearing that a statement is true.


“I swear I didn’t add the second head to what you say is a hedgehog.” When I said this it may have confirmed my mental “issues” for everybody present. There was no hedgehog and no second head. In addition, I didn’t know what a hedgehog is. I imagined it was a kind of hog that lived in a hedge. My mother was actually holding our cat Lucy. She was calling it a hedgehog, but it only had one head.

I had just gotten out of bed and hadn’t had my coffee and two donuts yet. I wasn’t prepared to be accused adding a head to a hedgehog. In my mental state, I saw it as plain as day, but it wasn’t my doing. My surgery skills weren’t that advanced, and besides it was an extra head on our cat, which I figured out when she meowed pitifully and scratched at her stitches.

I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. My family was doing one of its random “interventions” testing my sanity. It was my job to pay the bills, so I had to be sane. Visa and AMEX don’t like errors, and crazy people make errors. Dad did the bills until he mistook $14.30 for $143,000. He almost wiped us out, but Visa gave us a refund. That was the end of it for Dad. He hasn’t paid a single bill since. So, after the “Dad experience” the bill payer needs to be checked out periodically. That’s what this two-headed hedgehog thing is about. But I saw through it (more or less) after three cups of coffee.

Now, it was time for stage two. My mother asked me: “Have you ever wanted to be an Oscar Meyer Weiner?”

I thought this might be a trick question. But, I figured I couldn’t go wrong with “No.” So, I said “I swear to God I never wanted to be an Oscar Meyer Weiner.” She grimaced and said “Are you sure?” I said “Yes” and she handed me the checkbook.

I had passed the test! One more year (at least) of managing the family’s bill paying. As long as I take my medication regularly, and abstain from alcohol and pot, I’ll be good to go. Otherwise, God only knows what will happen. Last week, I forgot to take my medication for two days and saw Carmen Miranda dancing with a bear in my back yard. I enjoyed it, but I swear I’m going to remember to take my medication every day.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Oxymoron

Oxymoron (ox-y-mo’-ron): Placing two ordinarily opposing terms adjacent to one another. A compressed paradox.


“Jumbo shrimp.” We’ve all heard it before. But what about “jumbo molecules?” Never! No! Uh huh! Why not ? Because it is stupid—brilliantly stupid! Maybe, flawlessly stupid. Can something be brilliantly stupid? Yes, if I say so. What about combat hamster? No. It may capture the ethos of a fighting hamster—but it doesn’t have the faraway ring like rubber ducky or honest hoax or nutty whistle. How about “tough love.” Oh yeah, it puzzled the hell out of me when my parents practiced it on me. The only part that seemed tough was having to tie my own shoes. The love part was beyond me. I guessed it was because they yelled at me softer at night so they wouldn’t wake up my sister, who was a model human being except for stealing money from mom’s wallet. It was hard to live with, but she was my sister. To get back at her I put fire ants in her pants when she was asleep one night.

I could tell when she put her pants on: she screamed and stomped her feet and came running down the stairs with no pants on, and jumped in the back yard swimming pool. Of course, she blamed me. I was ready. I had a counterfeit article titled “Fire Ants Invade Homes, Inhabit Pants.” Siri wrote it for me so it seemed real—it was really fake, perfect for my needs. My parents bought it and told my sister to shut up or leave home.

My sister shut up, but she made a plan for revenge. She had recruited her boyfriend Lloyd to knock me out with some kind of illegal drug and tattoo a pile of shit on my forehead. Lloyd was ready, but he had last-minute doubts about doing something so obviously evil. Instead, he tattooed a picture of the Dali Llama on my ass. I was extremely grateful. It was captioned “It’s All In Your Head.” The caption’s written backward and forward so I can read it when I look at my ass in the mirror. My girlfriend loves it and pets the Dali Llama whenever she has a chance.

My sister and I have mended all our fences. We get along so well, we can’t go wrong. We fence stolen goods and sell them at the flea market each week. Selling stolen goods is a little risky, but my sister’s new boyfriend is a policeman–a Captain in the Bolder Police Force. He keeps the “snoops” away from our operation and we’re flourishing. Our business motto’s “Good Fences Make Good Neighbors.” It’s a little risky, but we like it.

We’re headed to Florida for a winter break. We’ll be eating tons of “jumbo shrimp” and downing many, many beers. I hope I’ll meet a hot cool girl.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Paenismus

Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.


I was walking down the street when some guy jumped out of a 10th story window and missed landing on me by inches. He would’ve crushed me and killed me. I was stunned. His wallet had fallen out of his pocket and I picked it up before the crowd gathered. I was grateful to be alive and even more grateful for his wallet. My priorities were warped, but what the hell—this was New York.

The wallet was like a Christmas present I would open when I got to my “apartment,” which was a walk-in closet in my uncle Ted’s actual apartment. I rented the closet for $50.00 per month. I considered uncle Ted generous and kind—he even let me use the bathroom.

I got “home” and went to my “room.” I opened the wallet. It was empty. I tore it apart and there was a key underneath the coin purse. It had a number 480 on it and an address: 146 State St., Reno, NV. I didn’t know what to do. I had enough money for a one-way bus ticket to Reno. I was certain the key would lead to money. The guy was dead, so it wouldn’t matter to him if I grabbed his cash!

I got on my bus to Reno at Port Authority and headed west. There was a woman sitting by me wearing a mink coat. Given that we were on a bus and not flying first class to Reno, I thought she might have a story to tell. She told me her husband had caught he cheating with the guy from across the street, a policeman. She was naked when he caught her. Her husband told her to take the mink and get the hell out. He gave her bus fare to Reno to get a divorce. When night fell, she snuggled up by me. I didn’t know what to do, so I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, successively ceding it to people who needed it, until sunrise. The woman was lying across the seat. I poked her and she sat up. She asked if I would help her get some clothes. When we got to Reno, we went to a pawn shop. She took some clothes into the rest room, came out dressed and pawned her mink. She got $300.00 for it, paid for the clothes and we parted company.

I asked the proprietor where State Street is. He said “You’re on it man!I asked him which way 146 was. He told me it would be right, but State Street ended at 145. I didn’t believe him, so I took off down the street. He was right, the street ended at 145, but the sidewalk kept going across the street. I crossed the street and looked down at the pavement. The sidewalk looked like it had a small keyhole in it. I took out my key, inserted it and turned it. The cement slab started slowly going down like an elevator. I hopped on it. Another slab slid shut above me as I went down. Lights came on when I reached the bottom.

The woman from the bus was there. She said she was glad to see me. Her teeth had become pointed. The man who had jumped out the window, with his brain hanging out, put his arm around her and said “Looks like we got another one with the ‘Dead Man’s Wallet Scam‘ honey. Fire up the barbecue!”

I was frozen in place and couldn’t move. They were going to eat me! Just then, I woke up in my closet. It was a nightmare. Then, I saw the mink coat alongside me on the floor. It was hers! I passed out.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Palilogia

Palilogia: Repetition of the same word, with none between, for vehemence. Synonym for epizeuxis.


“Dive! Dive! Dive!” I was a boxing coach and I specialized in having my boxers throw matches. “Dive”is a jargon word for “Hit the mat.” It was sort of poetic. I didn’t actually yell it. That would’ve given me away. Instead, I used hand signals, like a diver diving into a swimming pool. I’d put my hands together like I was praying and rock them up and down and silently mouth “dive, dive, dive.” It worked every time.

After throwing matches for 10 years, I decided I wanted to recruit and train a champ. I found this guy fighting off three thugs outside a bar. The thugs had their asses kicked—bloody noses, missing teeth, swollen heads, bruised necks. I thought “This guy is my meal ticket. Together, we’ll make millions!” His name was Peter Varniski. He was at least 6’7” and weighed nearly 300 lbs. He had a very pleasant demeanor and was a bird watcher. He wrote love poems and always had fresh red roses in his apartment. He was a vegetarian and his mother lived with him. She cooked, did the laundry, and kept the place clean. They watched “Monk” reruns together every night, when Peter was home. He had a pet hamster named “Hammy” that had a hamster tube running around the apartment. He and his mother, “Ma” enjoyed watching Hammy run through his tube.

I quickly found out that Peter was not a fighter. I was disappointed until I found out what put him in the fighting mood. The guys he had nearly beaten to death had called his mother a whore. He had exploded with rage. Anything bad said about his mother would send him into an unstoppable rage. I exploited this. Right before he climbed over the ropes I would whisper in his ear “That guy called your mother a whore.” He’d hit the ring swinging and knock out his opponent in 1-3 minutes. I had to hire two minders to get him out of the ring after each fight. If I hadn’t, he would’ve beat his opponent to death on the mat. He’d calm down when he got back home, playing “Candyland” with his mom after taking a shower, and drinking a cup of tea.

I managed Peter for five years. We were undefeated and we made a good buck. I retired and became a Blackjack dealer at “Rolling Moon,” the local gambling casino run by the mafia and managed by Sal Martino. I knew Sal from high school. One day, he told me he needed an enforcer for his loan business. The previous one, he told me had “Walked into a bullet.”

I told him about Peter. “Just say ‘Your mother’s a whore’ to him and he’ll beat the total shit out of somebody.” It was too late when I remembered that you had to claim that somebody else had said “Your mother’s a whore,” and point them out to Peter. Now, Sal was in a coma and Peter was in jail.

I had really screwed up. I learned a big lesson. Don’t say “Your mother’s a whore” to anybody ever. Just leave it alone. Mothers are a sensitive topic.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Parabola

Parabola (par-ab’-o-la): The explicit drawing of a parallel between two essentially dissimilar things, especially with a moral or didactic purpose. A parable.


Prepositions mark contrasts that bring meanings to our lives. They are representative of the myriad oppositions that stand together, complete, yet incomplete, without each other. Where is up without down? Where is in without out? Where is over, without under? And even Moe important, without contraries and contradictories where would we be?

They cause pain, embarrassment, and insight and more. If it’s hot, it’s not cold. If it’s right, it’s not wrong. What else could it be? Sort of not wrong? But how do you assure it’s right? I don’t know. Just because everybody thinks it’s right, doesn’t make it right. Right? Wrong? Maybe? Oh, sweet sweet maybe.

That’s where I live: Maybe City. It is in the United States of Uncertainty, in the state of Possibility, the town of What?. We never do anything with any resolve. It is all tentative with reservations slowing all decision making. It took me 2 hours to decide what I wanted for breakfast. For example, I had deep concerns about the cereal—whether it was too crunchy and may damage my teeth. The eggs were too flexible—I might bite my tongue while chewing. I ended up having a glass of water. Then, getting dressed, I tried on 9 pairs of black socks with different degrees elasticity. I ended up going without socks. I couldn’t decide whether to wear boxers or jockey shorts so I wore my wife’s undies. What the hell! Comfy! This went on until I was clothed. 2 hours! But, in the end I’m inevitably satisfied with my decision making. I’m wearing clothes! Better than yesterday. I wore a poncho made out of a tablecloth. It had a floral pattern.

So, I get what I want. I’m pretty sure I do. Not certain. Well maybe. Very strong likelihood. No way of knowing. Call me stultified. No wait . . . .


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Paragoge

Paragoge (par-a-go’-ge): The addition of a letter or syllable to the end of a word. A kind of metaplasm.


I was tired of being called “Bucky” when my given name was “Buck.” My father was an investment banker, so my parents named me Buck. It would’ve been better if they had named me “Bill,” short for dollar bill, or “Cash” like “Johnny Cash.” But no, they named me “Buck.” People thought that adding a “y” to my name was a sign of friendship—of endearment. Even my parents called me “Bucky.” “Time for dinner Bucky.” How many times had I heard that? Countless!

Bullies called me “Bucky Beaver,” after the smiling beaver who was a toothpaste mascot. His motto was “Brusha, brusha, brusha.” That’s what the bully Porkok (Pork-ok) Giles would yell at me when I came into range. Although his first name could easily be made into some kind of taunt, I was afraid to do so. Porkok was a thug and would probably beat the shit out of me, or, even kill me. But, I was sick of his bullshit and decided to ambush him with a taunt.

In order to spare my life, I recorded the taunt and hid the recorder in the bushes he passed every day on the way to school. It had a blue tooth control that I could use to turn on the player while hiding in the bushes across the street.

He was coming, as he passed the bushes, I turned on the player: “Poorcock, Poorcock, can’t be hard as a rock!”

I got him!

He stopped and looked around. He found the player in the bushes and stomped it into the pavement. “I know it’s you Bucky. I’d recognize your whiny girly voice anywhere. Show yourself so I can kill you.” I ran home. I was dead meat. Eventually, Porkok would find me and kill me, most likely at school.

He found me and pinned me up against my locker. He had a beaver costume. He told me if I wore it for the rest of the year, he would spare my life. I put it on. I wear it all, day and hang it in my locker when the school day is over, and put it back on the next morning when I come to school.

Believe it or not, I’ve become the new school mascot. The old mascot was a garden gnome. It was chosen as the school mascot when our town was known for growing flowers. Flower-growing ended 50 years ago. 1,000s of beavers have moved into the wetlands surrounding our town. We ate their tails and wore their fur. It was inevitable that the beaver would become the school mascot—not only was it good to eat with warm soft fur, it was industrious.

I served out my beaver costume sentence. As school mascot I donned it for school sporting events. Our school cheer was “Beavers, beavers, woo, woo, woo, the beaver team will dam up you!” I would lead the cheer. One evening I spotted Porkok in the stands. He was cheering with everybody else. He looked straight at me and reached into his jacket like he was going for a gun.

After the game he met me outside the gym. He reached into his jacket. I braced myself for the bullet, but he pulled a pint bottle of whiskey out of his jacket. We toasted “peace” and laughed a little bit. He said “Here’s to you Bucky.” I said “Here’s to you Bad Cock.” We laughed some more and went our separate ways.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Paralipsis

Paralipsis (par-a-lip’-sis): Stating and drawing attention to something in the very act of pretending to pass it over (see also cataphasis). A kind of irony.


“I’m not going to tell you how disgusting you are.” My own Mother said this to me. I was smart enough to know that she actually thought I was disgusting. So, I said to her, “I’m not going to tell you what a shitty Mother you are.” I laughed and asked her how it felt to get hit with an oblique insult. She threw the Shepherd pie she had just made in my face. It was hot and ran down my cheeks. It tasted good! Mom really knew her Shepherd pie. We had it every-other night for supper.

I asked Mom what we would have for supper now that the Shepherd pie was ruined. She brandished a fork at me and told me she was going to stab me in the eye if I didn’t “get the hell out of the kitchen.” I got the hell out of the kitchen. I headed out to the barn to brush my prize lamb Julie.

The county fair was coming and I wanted to show her at the Fair. I was pretty sure she’d earn a blue ribbon. I had invested a lot of time in her. She was extremely well-groomed—she shone like a fluffy star. She had one small defect. Her nose ran out of control. I planned on stuffing cotton batting up her nose to absorb the drip. It would affect her breathing, but not too much.

The big day came and Julie was ready to roll. I had stuffed enough cotton up her nostrils to stop her dripping. As I walked her around the ring, she passed out. She came close to suffocating because of the cotton I had stuffed up her nose, but I cleared her nostrils and she was OK. She was eliminated because the cotton up the nose was considered cheating. We walked home.

When mom heard what had happened she said, “I’m not going to call you a stupid ass, but your showing at the Fair was the pinnacle of dumb fu*k.” I felt bad enough already. I punched Mom in the eye and stalked out the door. I slept in the barn that night and came back home the next day. I apologized to Mom. Black eye and all, she accepted my apology. She said, “It’s OK zero boy.” I hadn’t seen Julie when I got up, so I asked Mom if she knew where Julie was. Mom said, “Her leg is in the oven and the rest of her is in the freezer.”


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Paramythia

Paramythia (pa-ra-mee’-thi-a): An expression of consolation and encouragement.


“At least you’re still alive. If I had been hit by a FedEx truck, I’d be dead. Soon, you’ll have those tubes out of your arms and the bandage off your head. You’ll be back at work. You’ll be knockin’ ‘em back at ‘Double-X Bar’ and hustlin’ the beautiful women. You’re a man of steel!” Mike just lay there, his respirator pounding away. He was in a coma with no hope of regaining consciousness. He was the human equivalent of a carrot, albeit, a large one.

What made this so sad was that he had run in front of the FedEx truck to save a kitten directly in the path of the truck. After the accident, I picked up the kitten at the animal shelter and took it home. I named it “Barbara Ann” after the early 60s hit song. I bought her a bunch of toys and we would play with them on the kitchen floor. Her favorite was the red plastic spring. She batted it around. I noticed she had a tic in her right eye just like Mike’s. I was drinking scotch one night. It was Mike’s favorite, “Iron Kilt.” Barbara Ann jumped up on the table and started lapping up the scotch from my glass. When I played “Journey” she would yowl like she was singing, just like Mike did when he heard “Journey,” but he called it singing.

I started to think that Mike was channeling Barbara Ann from his hospital bed. I went to visit him. He was still in a coma. They didn’t expect him to live another day. I wished him goodbye and went home.

Barbara Ann was sitting on the couch. She spoke to me! “We can be friends for a long, long time—until you die.” It was Mike! I said “What the Fu*k?” Barbara Ann said “Get used to it.” I was certain I was having some kind of nervous breakdown. I went to see a shaman.

He told me that some attachments are permanent, unless of course, the possessed party “passes away.” That would be Barbara Ann. He gave me some blue powder to feed to the cat to break our bond forever. It cost $100! He guaranteed it would be painless and Mike’s spirit would be eliminated.

I couldn’t do it. Barbara Ann, AKA Mike’s spirit, and I, are living out the future together. We don’t do much—we mainly play with cat toys and reminisce. We never talk about the FedEx truck. One of our favorite topics is our final spring break—we both got laid under the boardwalk at Seaside Heights, it still ranks as one of the high points of my life, even though I can’t remember the girl’s name.

If Mike dies before me, I’m going to have him stuffed and mounted on wheels like a pull toy.

After I told this story to my sister, I’ve been put under observation. Barbara Ann has gone mute to cover my ass. Her silence confirms that this is all a joke, as I told the psychiatrist. But, since Mike has died, Barbara Ann has shut up and I’m getting back on track.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Paraprosdokian

Paraprosdokian: A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase [or series = anticlimax] is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. . . . For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. An especially clever paraprosdokian not only changes the meaning of an early phrase, but also plays on the double meaning of a particular word.(1)


I was toasting and I wasn’t drinking my ass off and saluting a friend. I was standing in front of a huge fireplace and my boots melted to the floor. I was stuck. I was toasting. My pants were smoking and my hair smelled like it was burning. I was toasting. I could’ve used a drink!

I pulled my feet out of my boots and backed away from the blaze. My boots went up in flames. I ran my hand across my head—it was bald. My pants were still smoking. I watched my boots burn—Blundstones. They cost me over $200.

I was at my friend Princess Argonza’s home/castle. I had never seen a walk-in fireplace before. I didn’t know you were supposed to stay eight feet away from the fire. The servant wore an asbestos suit when he stoked the blaze, throwing the huge logs/small trees from three feet away. Now I know how Argonza’s brother had managed to kill himself in the fireplace. It would’ve been impossible in my 3×4 fireplace. Argonza’s fireplace was 10×12! It’s true that her brother had a petrol-soaked Gucci handkerchief tied around his neck, but he didn’t need it. He was despondent over his acne. None of the anti-blemish cremes worked, so he killed himself. I thought that was a pretty trivial reason for suicide. But who am I? I do not live in his skin. But, I still think he was mentally unbalanced, like his sister.

Whenever I visited, first we’d go to the playroom and ride rocking horses—which were actually real stuffed ponies. We would get alongside of each other, starting slowly and rocking faster and faster until Argonza made little squealing sounds, looked at me with glazed eyes, and jumped off her pony, staggering a little. Next, we would play with paper dolls. All of them looked like Argonza. It was bizarre. She would stack them up and pound her fist on them yelling “Stop looking at me that way!” Then we would burn them in the giant Royal Fireplace. Then I realized one of the paper dolls was an effigy of her brother! It had a cigarette burn through its heart. She folded it carefully and put it in her shirt pocket like a handkerchief, with his head sticking out. After that, we went to the study. She put the folded effigy of her brother between the pages of “Moby Dick.” She looked at me, licked her lips, and told me she liked the word “dick.” It made her want to ride her pony beside me.

It was time for me to go home. I thanked her for her hospitality—the pony ride and the paper dolls. I told her I was sorry about her brother’s suicide. She begged me to stay for dinner. She wouldn’t tell me what we were having, but I agreed anyway. I think it was a mistake. We had “leg.” She wouldn’t tell me what animal it came from. For a second, I thought it might be her brother’s leg, but that was too terrible to believe. or even think about. The “leg” was delicious. It tasted like really tender roast pork.

We had a great time. We rode the ponies again, and I went home. I think I am in love. I can’t stop thinking about Argonza. She’s different.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Paregmenon

Paregmenon (pa-reg’-men-on): A general term for the repetition of a word or its cognates in a short sentence. Often, but not always, polyptoton.


“Roll ‘em. Roll ‘em. Roll ‘em. Get those dice a’ rollin’. Shoot craps!” This was my jinx move. It worked nearly every time in the alley behind “Bucky’s Drugstore” down on our knees rollin’ the bones with a weird collection of people.

Bagger Larry had a real bad temper. He kept a .38 stuck in the waistband of his pants. He had pulled it a few times, but never shot anybody. That was, until Stupid Willy rolled a pair of loaded dice, pulling a seven four times in a row. Bagger went berserk, pulled his .38, and emptied it in Stupid’s head. Dovey, the proprietor of the cantina, looked out the back door to see what the noise was about. He saw the mess and ran inside to call the police. Bagger was away in a flash and was never caught. It was rumored he made it to Mexico where he’s in the marijuana smuggling business, making millions.

I needed a job, so I went looking for him. I found him in Vera Cruz. He wasn’t in the smuggling business. He was running a dice game in an alley behind a cantina named “The Cactus Needle.” We shook hands. He told me he would hire me as a monitor—looking out for loaded dice. He gave me a gun and told me to shoot anybody I caught cheating. Most of the players carried guns, so I had to be quick on the draw. I mail-ordered a “Quick Cowboy” fast draw holster. I practiced on tin cans until I became lightning fast, and accurate too.

The night came when a guy rolled bad bones. I started to draw. He already had his gun out! He shot me in the arm, picked up all the money and ran. Right there, Bagger fired me and walked away with the other players. I was alone, sitting on the cantina’s back steps holding my arm in agony. A señorita stuck her head out the door, saw me, and promptly slammed it shut. Then, a couple of minutes later a different señorita stuck her head out the door. She asked, “What the hell happened to you?” I told her. She drove me to the doctor’s in her old dented-up Volkswagen. The doctor removed the bullet, stitched me up, and I was good to go.

She asked me what I would do now. I told her I didn’t know, but I’d like to get the bastard who shot me and robbed my friend Bagger. “I know who he is,” she said. “He is my brother Jesus. You can’t kill him, but I permit you to badly wound him.” She told me where to find him. I went there right away. I got the dice money back and shot him three times in his left leg. He was screaming in agony on the floor when I left.

His sister and I became romantically involved. I got a job at “The Cactus Needle” as a bouncer/short order cook. Sometimes it was hard to keep up with both responsibilities, but Valentina would come to my aid. One night, about a year later, Valentina’s brother, the shooter, limped into the Cantina. The leg wound crippled him. He gave me and Valentina a thumbs up and went up to the bar and ordered us two beers.

I was a little worried, but not much. He was living under a blanket and working as a “wound model” limping across the stage at public police events as a display of what happens to you if you play with guns. He wasn’t bitter. He had an easy job and his blanket was made of Marino wool and had red stripes.

Jesus got drunk and I helped carry him out of the cantina. I pushed him off the porch and he fell into the gutter. That’s when Valentina told me she was going to have our baby! My life couldn’t be better. As a congratulations present, Jesus sent us a basket of avocados and a bottle of tequila.

We made guacamole, chips, and bean burritos. I had two shots of tequila.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.

Pareuresis

Pareuresis (par-yur-ee’-sis): To put forward a convincing excuse. [Shifting the blame.]


My name is Ed. Whenever I screwed up, I told people I had worms—that they were squirming around inside me disrupting my digestion and thought processes. Whenever they squirmed more than usual they made me go really, really haywire—all tangled together and making a squeaking sound only I could hear. So, when I lost my wallet I blamed it on my squeaking worms—they were my go-to excuse. I said they made me throw my wallet away—I was like a robot under their control. I even talked like a robot, making whirring sounds between every third or fourth word.

I went to the police station to report my missing wallet. I told them the worm story and they handcuffed me to a chair. I told them I was lying—no worms were involved in my wallet’s disappearance. I had left it on my table at MacDonald’s when I went to pick up my order at the counter. It was gone when I got back. I told them, “The truth is a pretty good excuse, but it makes me look stupid. So, I told you the worms story—rather brilliant but not very credible unless you’re the Secretary of Health and Human Services. Ha. Ha. Get it? Worms. Ha. Ha.”

The police frisked me and found my wallet in my back pocket. Nothing was missing except for my photo of my girlfriend Aggie. She wasn’t particularly good looking. The picture was blurry. She was sitting on the beach holding her pet white rat Bulltaco. She was also holding a piece of paper with her phone number on it—I’d never paid much attention to it before.

The police unlocked my handcuffs and told me to get the hell out of their police station. When I got home, I called Aggie. Her line was busy. It was busy all afternoon. I drove over to her house. The front door was open. There was Aggie. She was sprawled naked, sleeping on the couch, snoring loudly. Then some guy came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel with wet hair. He had probably been the one who had stolen the picture of Aggie with the phone number. He had been the one she had been talking to on the phone—probably making plans to hook up.

Startled and angry, I ran out the front door. The guy yelled “Come back we can have a drink!” I did not go back. I went back home and sat on my couch trying to think of an excuse for what had happened. Then, it dawned on me: Aggie is bad! Her badness put her at a moral disadvantage that had nothing to do with me. I did not treat her like shit. I did not lie to her all the time. I did not yell at her most of the time. I wasn’t unreliable, except maybe once in a while when she needed me. I didn’t make fun of her. Well, maybe I did once in a while, but it wasn’t serious—only the way she dressed or how she talked with a lisp.

This incident had nothing to do with me and the way I treated her. She was just plain bad, waiting for an opportunity to cheat. The guy in the towel had made it with her.

POSTSCRIPT

Aggie had been fed Roofies by the home invader Ed had met coming out of the bathroom—who had asked him to have a drink. It was terrible. If Ed had trusted Aggie more, he would’ve figured out what was going on and called the police. As it stood, Aggie went through hell. Ed’s need to make excuses inflicted pain on the woman he allegedly loved. It was a disgrace. Her counselor advised her to get rid of Ed and she did.


Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Daily Trope is available in an early edition on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.