So, it's been almost a year now- hardest year of my life. Tonight I've been reflecting on the past year and what it's been like.
Last year at this time I was working my buns off. We had had a flood and I was busy painting, painting,. and PAINTING! I was obsessed with getting the basement finished before we left for a vacation to California. My dad was staying with us during the weekdays and I didn't want him to have to live in a construction zone while we were off living it up in Cali. I finished the last coat of paint the morning that we left. I didn't even have time to clean or take the tape off the walls.
We left for our trip and headed south. We stopped and visited Mom on the way down, got up the next morning and headed to Vegas. We stayed with Megs that night and headed to LA the next day. We spent Sunday at the Dodger game. They actually won! We had decent seats and I took a picture of the kids and the stadium to send to Daddy telling him we wished he was there. He texted back, "Did they win?" I talked to him later that night from the hotel room. We talked about how awesome it was, the weather, the atmosphere and, of course, the Dodger dogs! Adam loved his first MLB game. My dad told me he would have given anything to be there with Adam at his first baseball game, it would have meant so much to him. We'd have to go again next summer. Absolutely.
The next day we got up early and went to the beach. What a great day we had! Our family needed this vacation so much! It had been 7 years since we had gone on a family trip. We felt so blessed to be there! On our way home I called my dad to see how things were going at the house. There was a fire at the ACE hardware store in Centerville and I had asked him if he went down to roast some marshmallows. Sick, I know, but that's how I roll. He laughed and we chatted for a bit while I waited for Lain to get back in the car at El Pollo Loco. He was looking forward to an interview he had on Wednesday and we talked about that. He told me he was glad I got to go on my trip and he'd hold down the fort while I was gone. He also offered to let our stupid hamster go outside and tell the kids it died while we were gone. I told him maybe, I'd let him know in a couple of days. He said to think about it and have a good time with the kids at Disneyland the next day. We couldn't wait!
Tuesday morning we got up and headed to Disneyland. We worked hard with the kids earlier in the year making blankets for a charity. We didn't tell them at the time that we would get Disneyland tickets in return for the service. We just did it for fun. It was a great surprise for them! We got to Disneyland and waited in line for out first ride FOREVER. Preston is not known for his patience and had a bit of a freak attack. We decided we could not endure a whole day of that and went to see if there was any way we could get fast passes for the rides so we wouldn't have to wait with Preston for so long. They gave us a pass that put us to the front of the line on every ride. We hardly waited at all that day. It was the best time we had had in forever! I remember talking to and texting my sister most of that early part in the day. But at about 4:15 I had a feeling that I needed to put my phone in the diaper bag and just enjoy the day with my family. I did and we had a GREAT time! It was absolutely amazing! I didn't even think about my phone until about 8:30 or 9:00. We were just sitting down to wait for the parade to start.
I picked up my phone and saw that I had missed a bunch of calls and texts. "Dad is missing." I read the words over and over. No way. My dad did NOT get lost. Ever. I called my sister immediately. They had a search party out looking for my dad. He hadn't come home from showing the piece of property he had shown earlier in the day. He had driven down from Salt Lake that morning to show a piece of property he had listed. It would have been a huge deal and he couldn't pass it up. He had ridden the four-wheeler to show it and decided to take a way back he had never taken before. He was really close to home- just over the freeway. I could hardly think or breathe. We had to leave the parade. I couldn't even think straight. I knew something was wrong. My dad did not get lost.
I went back to the hotel room and waited. I prayed. We prayed. I prayed. Lain gave me a blessing. I sat in the bed staring at the walls, waiting to hear something. Anything. Finally, around midnight, I got the call. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for that moment. My dad was gone. I screamed and sobbed and threw myself on the floor. It couldn't be. What in the world could have happened?? My dad was immortal. Invincible. Untouchable. This had to be a dream- a nightmare. Please, someone wake me up. I looked over at my oldest son. He was devastated. He covered himself completely in the covers and cried. What were we going to do? I hugged him, but I'm sure I was no comfort. I had just lost my best friend, my hero. My world, as I knew it, had just been annihilated. I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning numb and puffy-eyed. I felt like I was living outside of myself. Like I knew I was walking, but couldn't understand how I was doing it. We got in the car and started driving. We would drive straight through to my mom's house. We had a funeral to plan. That drive was strange. I remember sitting there, refusing to put on my seat belt- thinking somehow the car would crash and I would be taken out of my misery. I hurt. I hurt so bad it was physical pain. I never knew that grief could cause actual pain. What a horrible feeling. I wanted it to end, for someone to tell me it was all a mistake. I longed to hear his voice. I listened to a couple of voicemails he'd sent me. "...Love you, honey." I played it over and over.
We got to Mom's. Life was moving in slow motion. I didn't know what to do. There was food everywhere in the house, but none of it was getting eaten. Least of all by me. The thought of food or sleep sickened me. I couldn't do either. Thank goodness for the help of family and friends. I was incapable of taking care of anything. In fact, the whole order of things is a blur to me. I know we talked a bit. I remember being angry, sad, terrified, overwhelmed, a whole myriad of emotions seemed to wash over me. I wanted to run away, to scream, to cry. I did not want to be touched or comforted- that much I do remember.
I know we went to the mortuary, although I don't remember if it was that day or the next. I remember sitting in the office with my mom and sisters and my mom's bishop. We were making funeral plans- picking out a casket, figuring out where to bury him, and discussing a whole slew of things I'd never imagined doing. I remember all I could think about was my mom. "Take care of her for me." I could just hear his voice telling me that. How? He was the best at that. What could I possibly do? My mind just raced. I was feeling a little crazy. Then they asked me if I wanted to see him. I knew I had to do it.
They brought him into the room. Nothing I can say can describe what I went through at that moment. There he was, lifeless, bruised, wrapped in a sheet. You can't imagine what it was like- I won't go into all of the details here. I can say that it was horrible. It didn't even resemble him. But I knew it was him. His hands were the same. Those strong hands I'd stared at my entire life. They were cold. I'd never felt my dad cold in my entire life. The man radiated warmth, not only in body temperature, but in spirit. And all of that was just gone. I felt light-headed and my knees weakened. My sister had to grab me. It was too much for me to process. What in the world was happening?? How was this happening?? I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life.
The next couple of days went on without a hitch. We could feel him with us. We could feel the prayers of all of our friends and loved ones. What an amazing feeling that is. The outpouring of love toward our family was absolutely incredible! Mom had to decide where to bury him and we went to the New Harmony cemetery to look at the plots. Never in my life had I seen such a beautiful place. It was so perfect! Mom was comforted in her decision and knew it was the right one. I could feel my dad's presence so strongly at the cemetery that day. What a great feeling it was. I knew he loved us and was with us. While we were there, we saw the most beautiful rainbow over the Five Fingers of Kolob. That was his favorite view. I have yet to see a sight more beautiful.
The services were amazing! How great it was to see so many people show up to pay their respects to my dad. I honestly can't believe how long we greeted people in the viewing line. Two hours we stood there, hugging people and hearing the nicest things about our dad. It was so great to see so many people we hadn't seen in such a long time. People came from so far away. It was incredible. We got into the chapel and we were awestruck! The stake center was full! Again, incredible. A testament to my dad and the good life he had lived. The speakers were fantastic. They paid a great tribute to my cute dad and his life. I wish I had it recorded. The talks were great.
Burying him was hard. It was so final. I honestly think it was the most difficult part for me. I did not want to accept that it was my dad's body that was being laid in the ground. No, it couldn't be. I had just talked to him a couple of days before. Really. Still, to this day, seeing his gravesite is difficult. I miss him. My kids miss him. My mom needs him. It is so hard. Thankfully, I'm comforted by the knowledge that it is not permanent. I will see him again.
When someone is such a huge part of your life, you are reminded of them constantly. They are missed daily, hourly, almost by the minute. Their absence cannot go unnoticed. I miss him terribly still. I long to have a dream with him in it, just so I can carry on a conversation with him again. I live each day to make him proud of me. I want him to see that he taught me well, to know that he was the best dad a girl could have. I teach my kids about him, about the way he did things, about things that were his favorite, and about the silly stories and phrases he used over and over again. I share pictures of him with them (although I don't have many because he really hated his picture being taken). I see him in them- a little here, a little there. I recognize more of his traits in myself as well and am proud to be his daughter. I hope I can live up to the expectations he had for me. He said I could do anything, and I believed him.
So, as this year mark approaches, I reflect on his life. I reflect on our relationship and our friendship. I love my dad. I love him more every day. I miss him, but choose to miss him the way he would have wanted me to- happily. When I pop my kids toes, sing a silly song, or make them watch the history channel with me as they weep and wail, I know he'll be there. I know he won't miss a thing in our lives. He never would. And I look forward to the day when I can feel his big bear hug with his nice strong hands (as he lifts me up and pops my back). Until then, I love you, Daddy. Help me be strong, and get me through this life. I know the best is yet to be!
