Fear

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Music moves mountains

This morning I was listening to a recent conference talk by Elder Neil L. Anderson.  He spoke of a child trapped under the rubble in Haiti after the earthquake.  This child said he knew that  if he sang, his dad would find him, so he started singing his favorite song - "I  am a Child of God."
That reminded me of an instance in my own life when I learned the powerful effect of music.  Roll the real back twenty years when I was sitting in the BYU Marriott Center with my friends listening to our beloved prophet, Howard W. Hunter speak to us.  Without warning, this man bounds up from the audience, grabs president Hunter, wields what we all thought was some kind of weapon, and demanded that president Hunter read something over the pulpit. (we later learned that he wanted president Hunter to denounce himself as the prophet and pronounce this man to be the leader of the church.)
With 10,000 plus people filling the Marriott Center chaos ensued.  People started screaming.  Guys were yelling at him to leave president Hunter alone.  Girls were screaming and crying.  Others were screaming to tell them to be quiet.  Then out of nowhere, I heard singing.  Someone had started to sing "We Thank Thee, Oh God, for a Prophet."  Others joined in, and soon the whole audience was singing this wonderful song in honor of our dear prophet who was standing before us being held hostage.  The screaming and chaos ceased, and the arena was filled with the spirit of God.   Distracted by the singing, and undoubtedly the spirit that engulfed the building the hostage taker looked away for just a moment allowing president Hunter's body guards the opportunity to tackle the man and rescue president Hunter.
To this day I have no idea what president Hunter talked about that night.  To me that fireside was about the love of God and the healing, majestic, power of music!

Air Travel

Having been burnt out on air travel as of late, I find myself somewhat surprised that I am actually grateful for it today.  As I was flying from Utah to Atlanta, GA this morning, I began contemplating how my forefathers travelled.  You see, they walked and pushed hand carts from Illinois to Utah, and it took them weeks.  They trudged through rain, mud, rivers, snow... you name it.  Sometimes I catch myself complaining because I have to drag luggage with me when I travel for work, but really?  At least I'm not pushing everything I own in a handcart across land that has only dirt trails.  I complain to myself when the airports have carpet instead of tile because it makes it harder to pull my luggage.  I was soooo NOT meant to be a pioneer, but I sure admire those who were.

I'm also grateful that I can leave behind the snow and a little over 4 hours later be in a place that's pleasantly comfortable.  This evening after dinner, I went outside and went for a walk.  It was so beautiful outside that I couldn't resist.  I really love staying in hotels, too.  I think I get that from my mom.  What's not to love about having someone else make your bed and clean for you?  I rest my case.

Todd - by big bro and investing buddy

Today I am grateful for my big brother, Todd.  When we were young, we were practically mortal enemies.  My mom would always tell me that when we grew up we would be great friends.  That used to just make me mad because I could not imagine such a thing ever happening.

But, lo and behold, now we are grown up, and I think Todd is awesome!  Mom was right.  The older we get the cooler I think he is.  We still tease each other mercilessly, but it's all in good fun.

When he was visiting at my house a couple weeks ago, he got me all excited about investing in the stock market, and helped me set up an account with TDAmeritrade.  We spent hours talking about investing.  At one point, his daughter, Lexie, was listening and she said "wow, I didn't know my dad was that smart."  Well, I'm glad he is, and I'm glad he has the patience and enthusiasm to help me get started.  He called me the other night to help me order my first purchase of shares and then we talked the next morning before the market opened. 

I love that he is so knowledgeable and willing to help.  He is totally awesome!   ... just don't tell him I said that.  ;0)

Imposable Thumbs

Usually in November, I try to post on facebook something that I'm grateful for every day.  Well, this year I can't wait until November.  I have too much for which I am grateful, and I need to start reminding myself of this daily.

Today, I have to say that I am grateful for imposable thumbs.  Tonight I was cooking cabbage for dinner and a piece dropped out of the pan while I was stirring it.  I tried to pick it up off the stove top with my fork, but the only thing my fork was doing was pushing the cabbage around.  Try as I might, I could not pick up that piece of cabbage with my fork.  I then had a brilliant idea.  I reached down with my forefinger and my imposable thumb and picked that piece of cabbage right up!  It was no effort at all.  I was instantly aware of the value of that imposable thumb, and had to stop and think how amazingly smart God was to give us all such a great tool.

I wonder how many other incredible gifts I have that I totally take for granted every day of my life.  Today marks a change in my life where I start noticing and being grateful for blessings - big and small - that are ever present in my life!

Lessons Learned

1. When the guy at Sherwin Williams tries to talk you into the more expensive paint claiming that it has "self smoothing" powers that make it so the roller marks disappear on their own, smile politely and tell him the "cheap" stuff will do fine.  The expensive stuff doesn't "roll on like butter" and it doesn't smooth itself.

2.  Never buy another brand of primer instead of Kilz!

3.  Make sure the wall you are painting isn't covered in oil base or high gloss paint BEFORE you start painting.

4.  It's worth it to sacrifice one of your less desirable kitchen towels to have a "painting towel" that you can keep damp and have beside you.  I wiped off so many unwanted mistakes.  I can't believe I've never thought of that before.

5.  If you plan on sitting down on the furniture, don't wipe your paint covered hands on your bum.

6.  An edger is totally worth the couple bucks you spend on it.

7.  Trying out samples prior to buying a whole gallon is totally the way to go.

8.  Find a good friend that will come help you clean up and rearrange furniture when you are done.  Thanks for your help Jane, you are a life saver!!

9.  The windows and the fireplace in my living room are not centered with one another.  Who designed these condos anyway.  Jane and I totally want get HGTV involved in doing something to our living rooms.  I think even THEY would have a challenge with this layout.

10.  Go bolder.  It's totally worth it.  

11.  If you MUST sand, heavy grit sand paper and an electric sander are totally the way to go.

12.  If you're going to put color in one room, be ready to catch a bug that will make you want to put some everywhere.

13.  Perfection is over rated!

14.  The long couch really does look better against the long wall.

15. Arranging something on the diagonal adds a LOT of spunk to a boring, overstuffed room.

16.  It's time for me to take the plunge and start integrating house plants back into my home.  BUT can I keep them alive?  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

17.  When all else fails, go ahead and sit down and cry.  Just get back up and keep going when you're done.

18.  Forget about what happens when it's time to resell.  Make your place your own and love it while you have it!

19a. You should allow 4 hours between applying 2 coats of latex paint.
19b.  Ask.com is a great place to find such useful facts.

20.  If you ask Heavenly Father to help you find a paint color that you'll really love, he'll do it!!  Ha, maybe He's the Ultimate Ask.com!

Good Enough!

Covered in paint dust, hot, sweaty and tired, I finally looked at my wall, turned off the electric sander and said to myself "that's gonna have to be good enough."  Could it be that this is what I was supposed to learn from this whole paint disaster?  I mean, so what if you can see imperfections in the wall when I'm done painting?  So what if it doesn't look perfect?  It has to look better than it does right now.

Usually failure to obtain perfection in my life has caused me to give up all together, but I cannot do that in this instance.  This is my living room we are talking about.  It seems as I look back over the past 6 months or so, I have been given ample opportunity to learn this lesson, and yet it still seems to evade me.
I think somewhere along the road I was told "do your best" and I heard "be perfect." 

Perhaps I can take comfort in what Elder Russell M. Nelson said in the following quote:

"We need not be dismayed if our earnest efforts toward perfection now seem so arduous and endless. Perfection is pending. It can come in full only after the Resurrection and only through the Lord. It awaits all who love him and keep his commandments. It includes thrones, kingdoms, principalities, powers, and dominions."

So, I'm not going to sand my wall down to the drywall.  I smoothed out the streaks as much as possible, and now I'll pray that the paint will stick to the wall and look good enough that I can live with it.

Paint Disaster

Oh me, oh my... how does a project that I think will take a day turn into an all out catastrophe?

I've been wanting to paint an accent wall in my living room for quite some time and today was going to be the day.  Yesterday I bought some paint samples and proceeded to paint them all on the wall.  Finally deciding on a color, I was ready for action.  I started to paint over the colors I didn't want with primer when I noticed that the primer wasn't sticking to the wall.  It looked like it was pealing off as I rolled over it with the roller.  I finally got all the paint samples covered up and went to buy my paint.  When I got home, the primer had cracked and some of it had run down my wall and dried in big ugly streaks.  What U.P.P.P???
Frustrated, I sat down to cry.  I talked to my brother, Todd, and, after he got done mocking me for crying over paint, he said that the paint that had originally been on the wall must have been oil based, which means that it is super slick and nothing sticks to it.  So, what now?  I had to sand the whole wall and try to make it more porous so my paint would stick to it.  I was frustrated and tired (from a week of insomnia), not to mention that I've never undertaken a project like this at my current weight and age, and it feels like a lot more work than it used to.  So, with little energy and even less morale, I went upstairs to take a nap.  When I was somewhat rested I had a better attitude about the project and proceeded to sand my wall.
I've been trying to think all day about what I can learn from this experience, but I got nothin'.  My house looks like a construction zone, I have to work all next week, and I'm planning to have a bunch of little girls over for a sleep over next weekend.  I was hoping to have my house in order by then.  What's a girl to do?  Maybe this would be a good time to take a "personal day" from work!
One blessing, though, truth be told, was finding the color I finally settled on.  I tried a few different colors out last night and wasn't in love with any of them, so this morning when I went back to find some other colors, I prayed that I would find a color that I loved.  That's exactly what happened.  I'm so excited to see the finished product, I've just been frustrated that things haven't gone as planned.  But then, really, do they ever?  It seems that my plans are often frustrated by a "better" plan, if you will.  Maybe there is something I will learn from this experience - other than the fact that I now know my walls have oil based paint on them, and you can't just paint over the top of that.
Maybe I just need to learn to deal with things better when they don't go my way.  Whatever the lesson, I'm sure I'll find one... eventually.
In the meantime, I'm just trying to be patient with the fact that my house looks like a disaster area and it probably will for a few days.

Friends

One of the benefits of traveling for my job is that I get to see people who I would otherwise not have the opportunity to see.  Such was the case today.   I met a friend who lives here in Tucson for dinner.  On the way to dinner I was thinking about how lucky I am to have so many great friendships.  I don't know why I am so blessed to have so many awesome friends, but I am so thankful that I am.  Yes, I wish some or all of you lived closer, but I count my friends as some of my greatest gifts in life.

Tonight at dinner, while we were ordering, I happened to look down and notice the gorgeous engagement ring that Stacey was wearing.  I was so shocked and awed that I couldn't even finish my order.   I was so excited for her that I just started crying.  Our server kept trying to ask me a question and I couldn't even focus long enough to hear what she was saying.  I blurted out some answer, but even now, I don't know what the question was.  I was so completely happy for my friend that nothing else seemed to matter at the moment.

I think of all the wonderful relationships I have with all of you out there and the many, many good times we have shared together, and it makes me truely grateful!  I am awed by the people I know and the blessings you all bring to my life.  I could start naming names, but if you are reading this, you are probably one of them.  I am so grateful to know you all, and am ever thankful for all of the rich blessings that you bring into my life.

When He says "no"

I was listening to Christian talk radio on the way to the airport today in Oklahoma, and it made me think of my own trials in a different sort of light.  The speaker was talking about when Jesus was at the beginning of the atonement and he asked God if there was any other way to do it.  God said "no."  That was the only way.  He had to bleed from every pour and die on the cross, even though he didn't want to do it.  Then the speaker said "Aren't you glad He did it anyway?"  Aren't we glad He said "Thy will be done?" 

That got me thinking about my own trials, and how I approach them.  I don't usually say, "Okay, just checking, I'll do it Your way."  I whine and cry and beg and plead for things to be different.  But what if, at the end of my life, people look at me and say, "Aren't you glad she did it anyway?"   "Aren't you glad she never got married and had kids?"  "Aren't you glad she wasn't a skinny, beauty queen?"

How we have been blessed by Jesus' willingness to go through That trial is apparent to us all. He blessed all of mankind.  To me, right now, it's not so apparent why I don't have kids or why I battle weight or why I'm not married to the love of my life, but in the end, will I be able to look back and say "I'm glad I did it anyway?"  Will I see the blessings to my own life and to the lives of others?  I hope so.  In the meantime, it makes me want to start using my trials to bless the lives of those around me.

Thursday Thoughts

Listen for the voice of the Father in the bounties and beauties of nature, in the gentle whisperings of the Spirit.

In your daily interactions with others, in the words of a hymn, in the laughter of a child, listen for His voice.

If you listen for the voice of the Father, He will lead you on a course that will allow you to experience the pure love of Christ.

As we draw near to Heavenly Father, we become more holy. And as we become more holy, we will overcome disbelief and our souls will be filled with His blessed light. As we align our lives with this supernal light, it leads us out of darkness and toward greater light. This greater light leads to the unspeakable ministerings of the Holy Spirit, and the veil between heaven and earth can become thin.

~Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Oct. 2009)

___________________________

In this passage President Uchtdorf tells us to listen for God's voice in some of the everyday things that I love most - The beauties of nature, music, and children.  No wonder I love these things so much.  Maybe experiencing them helps me feel closer to God.  Once while driving in a car with 4 year old Katie, I asked what she is thinking about, and she said: "I'm just thinking about when I go to heaven."  Perhaps it's impossible NOT to feel the spirit and love of God around such children.

I love the last part of this quote too.  Look at the blessings that can come from simply drawing near to God:

• We become more holy.
• We will overcome disbelief .
• Our souls will be filled with light.
• We'll have unspeakable ministerings of the Holy Spirit
• The veil between heaven and earth becomes thin.

 And then I would think the process repeats itself, because as we are filled with light and the veil thins, it makes sense that we would become even closer to Heavenly Father.

This is what I crave in my life.

My One True Love

Music.  The one thing in life that brings so much meaning.  I so love music.  I'd love to think I might have been in the Heavenly Choir before I came to earth.  I hope I was one of the ones singing my heart out when Christ was born. What a moment that must have been, and how fantastic it would have been to be a part of THAT choir on THAT day.  I can't imagine life without music.

One of my earliest memories is of me sitting underneath a grand piano while my mom took voice lessons.  Even before I can remember my mom would sing me to sleep.  She says we used to love to have her sing to us, and I'm sure that is true even though I don't remember it.

One of our favorite things to do when I was a teenager was just go for a drive and sing.  It didn't matter where we were going or how long it took to get there or even if there was a destination.  I remember driving around on Christmas Eve one year.  We had the radio on, and sang Christmas songs for hours while we drove around in the snow flurries looking at the lights.

One time, while driving in the mountains, we started singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."  We ended up singing it in 4 part harmony, and it was the coolest thing EVER.

I'm so grateful that music has been and always will be a part of my life.

Here are some of the songs I listened to today that made me:

SMILE - I Love Rock-n-Roll; Joan Jet and the Blackhearts

STOP AND SING - What Child is This?; Faith Hill (yes, I did listen to a Christmas song today.)

GET UP AND DANCE - Next 2 You; Chris Brown and Justin Beber

BECOME A DRUMMER - Jump; Van Halen

TAP MY FEET - Stuck Like Glue; Sugarland

CRY -  I Don't Want to Miss a Thing; Aerosmith

FEEL INSPIRED - My Savior My God; Aaron Shust

Psalm 42:8
Yet the Lord will command his loving kindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.

I stole this post from one of my friends... Thanks Darla!!

"Let me mention a few gifts that are not always evident or noteworthy but that are very important.
Among these may be your gifts—gifts not so evident but nevertheless real and valuable.

"Let us review some of these less-conspicuous gifts:

the gift of asking

the gift of listening

the gift of hearing and using a still, small voice

the gift of being able to weep

the gift of avoiding contention

the gift of being agreeable

the gift of avoiding vain repetition

the gift of seeking that which is righteous

the gift of not passing judgment

the gift of looking to God for guidance

the gift of being a disciple

the gift of caring for others

the gift of being able to ponder

the gift of offering prayer

the gift of bearing a mighty testimony

and the gift of receiving the Holy Ghost.

"We must remember that to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. It is our right and responsibility to accept our gifts and to share them."

-Marvin J. Ashton
Ensign, November 1987, 20

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Let me just add that I know people who have one or more of these gifts and they really are gifts in my opinion.  Are these people great pianist or artists?  Maybe, maybe not, but I know exactly who to call if I need to be reminded to pray and who to call if I need to hear a mighty testimony and who to call if I just need someone to listen.  I am so grateful for the gifts that my family and friends have.  
Love you all!
Deedee

Behold your little ones

Today while driving around Overland Park, KS, I was listening to the Christian channel on the radio.  The read something that one of their listeners had written about a scripture that she had read.  The listener's name was Sarah Young.  That caught my attention as I have a very good friend named Sarah Young.  Anyway, as I listened, I thought it might be a good idea for me to share some of my thoughts about the scriptures on my blog. So today I start with some thoughts taken from the April 2011 General Conference talk "Become as a Little Child."

“And he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

“And when he had done this he wept. …

“And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones” (3 Nephi 17:21–23).

Elder M. Russell Ballard has taught us the importance of the Savior’s admonition to “behold your little ones” when he said: “Notice that He didn’t say ‘glance at them’ or ‘casually observe them’ or ‘occasionally take a look in their general direction.’ He said to behold them. To me that means that we should embrace them with our eyes and with our hearts; we should see and appreciate them for who they really are: spirit children of our Heavenly Father, with divine attributes” (“Behold Your Little Ones,” Tambuli, Oct. 1994, 40; emphasis added; “Great Shall Be the Peace of Thy Children,” Ensign, Apr. 1994, 59).

It's no secret that I adore my little ones.  They are such great examples to me.  They are so full of the spirit and a thirst for knowledge.  If you ask Stone (age 6) what his favorite book is, he will whole heartedly tell you that it is the Book of Mormon.  He has told his teacher this and actually inspired gospel conversations in his classroom.

When I was visiting Michigan a few weeks ago, one night for "scripture study" I had each of the kids choose a picture and tell what they knew about it.  Katy (age 4) chose the picture of Samuel the Lamanite from the Book of Mormon.  I was so impressed as she told me about Samuel standing on the wall trying to preach to the Nephites as they were trying to kill him.  You see, I didn't even know the story to that picture until I was in my early twenties.  Then Stone chose a picture of some boats on the water.  I didn't know what the picture was, but assumed it must be some story from the New Testament.  Then he proceeded to tell me the story of the Brother of Jared, from the Book of Mormon, of course.

My sister-in-law recently decided that she is going to go through the temple.  When she told her family that during a family home evening recently, Lexie (age 11) jumped up and gave her a big hug and said that she was so proud of her, and that she had been praying for that, and she knew her prayers had been answered.

Not only do my little ones have a love of the gospel, but they are such great examples of love in general.  Their sweetness always brings joy to my heart.  They trust so easily and love so easily.

In Mosiah 3:19 it tells us that we must become as a child: "submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things... even as a child doth submit to his father."

It's time for me to take a page from my little ones who so easily embody these characteristics.  How grateful I am for all of the little ones in my life!  Though I have missed out on having children of my own, the Lord has truely enriched the relationships I do have with children, and has put an abundance of childlike love in my life.

Master the Tempest is Raging

The other night when I couldn't fall asleep and was up awake until some time after 4:30am, I decided to download the scriptures to my new phone.  That has already proven to be a valuable addition to my phone.  Today I was looking up scripture references to "storm" inspired by my previous post.  I came across a familiar song, but somehow reading the words without singing the music created a different feeling for me, so I thought I would post the words to this amazing song.

Master, the tempest is raging!  The billows are tossing high!  The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness.  No shelter or help is nigh.  Carest thou not that we perish?  How canst thou lie asleep when each moment so madly is threat’ning a grave in the angry deep?

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will: Peace, be still.  Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea, or demons or men or whatever it be, no waters can swallow the ship where lies The Master of ocean and earth and skies. They all shall sweetly obey thy will: Peace, be still; peace, be still.  They all shall sweetly obey thy will: Peace, peace, be still. 

Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled.  Oh, waken and save, I pray!  Torrents of sin and of anguish sweep o’er my sinking soul, and I perish! I perish! dear Master.  Oh, hasten and take control!

Master, the terror is over.  The elements sweetly rest. Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored, and heaven’s within my breast. Linger, O blessed Redeemer! Leave me alone no more, and with joy I shall make the blest harbor, and rest on the blissful shore.

Text: Mary Ann Baker, ca. 1874

Weathering The Storm

Yesterday after work as I was leaving to run some errands, I noticed this bird sitting on my fence.  It was starting to rain, but she didn't seem bothered by it at all.  She just sat there.  Then I started my car and I thought for sure that would scare her off, but she just looked over in my direction and then turned back away.  So I rolled down my window and took a picture.  Again, she was unaffected.  She was happy right where she was.
As I was thinking about this later, I realized that even though it was storming, and I could have been perceived as a danger, she stood her ground.  She wasn't moved by the rain or wind or any other outside force.  She was content where she was, and she looked like she was hunkered down for whatever else was going to come her way.
I think she taught me an important lesson.  When a storm comes blowing into my life, I tend to toss and turn and flail around in the wind.  But what if I stand my ground?  Wait out the storm?  I've never seen a storm yet that lasts forever - real or figurative.  The storm leaves, the sun comes out, and the world looks and smells different than it did during the storm.  So, when I'm flailing, I just need to pray for some faith, be patient, and know that everything will work out as experience has shown me it always does.


MARK 4:39
And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still.  And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

HICCUPS

I was contemplating the meaning of life this morning, when I came to a very important realization for myself.  It's no secret that the current study I am working on, and certain members of my team have been making my work life a living nightmare.  Well, somehow, I came to the conclusion that this is merely a hiccup in my life.  

So, what do I do when I get hiccups?  Well, I endure them for a while, but if they don't go away, I eventually get up and eat a teaspoon of sugar.  Yes, sugar.  It works... every time!

I realized that I need to treat this current "hiccup" of mine just like I would treat a bad case of the hiccups.  It's time to get up and take some sugar.  In other words, I need to focus on all of the "sweet" things in my life, and quit letting this hiccup drive me nuts.  

I have a good job.  It pays well enough for me to have a nice car, to pay someone to clean my house, and to get massages.  There are many, many people who love me, and whom, in return, I love.  I have a roof over my head.  I have access to all kinds of great music.  I get to work from home, in my pajamas if I want.  Really the world is my oyster.  I am developing a plan for the future that will allow me to do what I really love, and eventually allow me to work for myself helping people overcome their own hiccups.

So, my job and my boss may be unbearable at times, but I just need to keep focusing on the things that are sweet until the hiccups go away!

PS.  Every time I got frustrated today with my manic, micro managing, manager, I just started singing... Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down...

Decisions and Blessings in Disguise

A few weeks ago after a great week in Michigan working, visiting family, and visiting with friends, I was flying home, and the thought came to me "I can't do this any more."  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't want to this job anymore, not just this study.  I remembered a time shortly after returning home from my mission.  I was talking to my bishop about school and future plans and what to do with my life.  He asked, "If you could do anything you wanted to, what would it be?"  I told him that I wanted to be a child psychologist.  That career quickly went down the drain because of my utter disdain for school.  I did start out majoring in psychology, but ended up changing my major because I could get out of school more quickly with a different major.

Now, fast forward many years.  I am in a job that, for the most part, I have enjoyed.  I make good money, but for the past 5 months I have been assigned to a study and a manager that have made my life miserable.  Since starting this study, my finger nails have stopped growing and are now broken down past the quick.  My vision goes randomly blurry for no reason that I can figure out.  My back went out in January, and I have been in varying degrees of pain related to that since that time.  For a while there I was crying at the drop of a hat.  Okay, maybe that last one is not SOOOO unusual for me.

Anyway, after going month after month with my stress level so high, I finally decided I just couldn't take it any longer.  I sat there on the plane, thinking that there in no way in the world that I can do this job until I am 70.  Then that question from my bishop all those years ago came into my mind.  "If you could do anything you wanted, what would it be?"  By the time I landed in Salt Lake, I knew that I wanted to go to graduate school and get my degree in psychology.  Later that week I was talking to someone about it and I told her that I had always wanted to be a child psychologist, and I just burst into uncontrollable sobs.  She looked at me with that look that says, "if you feel that strongly about it, you know you have to do it."

So, little by little, I have been putting a plan together to go back to school.  It's weird, because for the past many years, I have told everyone that I would never go back to school for a graduate degree.  I remember doing the same thing with a mission.  I can look back in my journals from when I was a young teenager, and there are many times that I wrote that I would never go on a mission.  Then, when the time came, I knew that it was the right thing to do, and I went.

It's the same with school.  I know it's right.  I feel excited about it.  I never dreamed that I would.  This is such a good reminder to me that when I come to that place where I can't take it any more, and I don't know what else to do, THAT is when Heavenly Father comes in with a better plan.

Looking back, being assigned to this horrible, awful, study has been a blessing in disguise.  It finally made my life so bad that I am willing to do ANYTHING to change it, and for that, I am grateful!

Work and Music

Today at work I had my Monitoring Assessment Visit which is when my home based CRA manager came out on site with me to review my work.  It was very unnerving trying to work while she was going through things I had already monitored and looking over my work.  At the end, we went through this whole list of things that she found that I hadn't done.  It felt brutal, but she said that I my visit was actually one of the best she had ever done.  Whew!  I had the opportunity to talk to her about how stressed I have been at work, and I felt like she was really going to try to help get me a more manageable schedule.  At the end of my visit, I said "So, I guess I can keep my job."  Then she said "Yea, now we just need to get it so you WANT to."  Ah, how true, how true!

After work, I was singing my way home at the end of the day, and started thinking of a singing career again.  Since I was a teenager, I have always wanted to sing for money.  I'm thinking that Christian music just might be the right niche for me.  After all, it seems like most of the women who sing that type of music are sopranos, and there aren't a lot of people with deep rich voices.  Now, I know that I would need some vocal instruction at this point to make my voice rich, but the deep part I have down.  So, I could start taking voice lessons and writing lyrics, then I would need someone to help with the writing of the music, but what if?  I'm dreaming here, but what if I could become a singer.  I know many different people I would like to use as back ups or in duets - my sister for one.  We sound so good together because we are related and have similar voices.   How cool would that be to be making money with music?  Ssssoooo, KoOL!

Strange Phenomena

First, today when I was going to lunch, I noticed that the parking lot was wet. Upon further inspection, I noticed that the water was seeping UP through the cracks in tar. I think the snow must have been melting into the grass, then soaking into the ground, and because there was so much water, it was coming back up through the cracks. Weird.


Second, I've decided without any kind of scientific proof that fat people have to burn more calories when they exercise than thin people do. There's no way that hauling around all that extra weight doesn't impact the equation somehow. I went for a little walk around the hotel parking lot tonight, and that was my thought. I was thinking about how funny it is when doctors and other well meaning thin people tell me to "just go walking for 15 minutes every day." Translation: "just put on your 200 pound weights and go walking for 15 minutes." Yea, that's more what it's like. By the time I had walked around the parking lot twice, my face was red and I was out of breath. Like I said, that HAS to burn more calories than the "average" person doing the same exercise.

Third, and by far the most amazing phenomenon, is how some people affect my life. I have had the chance to spend some time with one of my friends recenlty who hasn't been around much over the past 20 years. Miraculous things are happening in his life, and just talking to him about it has made miraculous things start to happen in my own life. The other day, we had this big discussion about God and prayer and the like. Talking about that with him has changed my outlook so much. I have actually started praying again, which is something that I haven't done for a long time. I haven't really wanted to have much at all to do with church or religion for quite a while. But, as I said, I've been praying more and more over the past week, and my attitude and outlook on life has been changing. I have had moments when I just feel so much gratitude. For the first time in a long time, I want to start living life again - really living life.

On my way home from work I was singing in the car, and all of the sudden, I thought how great it would be to take voice lessons. Maybe that doesn't seem miraculous for the "lay" person, but for me, that's huge. I have become so accostomed to waiting for life to drag on by, after all, what was there really to live for anyway? Okay, part of that attitude was not knowing what was affecting my mood, and finding the right solution has helped a lot. Still, I hadn't really had any desire to make life happen. I had been content just to let it happen TO me, but something over the past week has made me start looking at things in a different light. I have become excited to make life happen, and I have John to thank for that. He has a way of making me want to be a better person. He's always had that affect on me, even when we were teenagers. What a gift. I would love to be the kind of person who makes people their best selves just by being around them. I have been blessed with some of the greatest friends. I don't know how I am so lucky, but I'm sure glad I am.

Happy New Year!!!

Christmas came and went this year.  I had a great time.  I seemed to have more energy this year, so that made the whole thing more enjoyable.  I wrapped every little thing that went in the stockings in addition to the presents that I bought.  Delise made Cornish Game Hens for Christmas Eve dinner with stuffing and roasted Brussels Sprouts.  The stuffing had apples in it which was surprisingly good.  It was probably the best stuffing I have ever had.  We had a great time on Christmas morning unwrapping every little thing one at a time and taking turns.  It took forever to open all the presents, but that made it all the more fun.  I bought mom a grandmother's ring for Christmas that has the birth stones of all her grandchildren in it.  It turns out that the birth stones of our "little" ones go together really well.  There's one blue, one diamond, two pink and one ruby.  Mom and I had talked about getting a ring early in the year, and I had a feeling that she was expecting it, so I told her that I hadn't gotten one (and that wasn't really a lie, because I hadn't bought it at the time I told her that), then on Christmas morning, I hid the little box in the branches of the Christmas Tree and handed out all the presents except that one.  We opened all the presents and ate breakfast, then I sat on the couch and said "hey, what's that?  It looks like Santa left something else in the tree."  Then I pulled out the box and gave it to her.  It was really fun to surprise her.

I had the week between Christmas and New Year's off from work, so I checked into a Hotel on Monday using my Hilton Points and stayed in a hotel this week.  I came home every day and did some cooking and cleaning, then went out for some pampering and went back to the hotel to sleep.  It was a great week.  One of the pampering things I did was get my eyelashes tinted black.  I think I'm hooked!  It looks like I wake up every morning wearing mascara.  It's not totally noticeable to the innocent bystander, but I sure can see the difference, and it makes me smile every morning to wake up and actually look like I have eyes.  That may just become part of my normal pampering routine.

As for New Year's "Resolutions" I'm not making any this year.  Instead, I'm going to set one goal at the beginning of each month and work on that one thing until it becomes a habit.  For January, my goal is to start getting ready for bed each night by 10:00pm.  I have been staying up way too late, and I need to change that habit so it's not so hard for me to get up early when I travel for work.

A couple goals I have in mind for future months are: to play the piano every day that I am home and write in my journal or on my blog every day.  I'm sure I'll come up with others as time goes on.

I've been off work since December 22nd, and it has been wonderful.  I dread going back to work, which is very unlike me.  I have loved my job up until I started this new study.  If something thing doesn't change soon, I think I will have to make a move to a different company.  Work takes up so much of my life, that it's not worth being in a job that makes me so unhappy.  I have 2 more glorious days off work.  I guess I had better spend part of one of them updating my resume and getting it out there for the world to see.  The new year is going to bring great things, one way or another.

Happy Thoughts

Three things made me feel good today after a very stressful, hectic work week.
1.  My mom told me a story about Stone.  Apparently Sarah has "assigned" him to read to the baby.  So she puts her in the swing and Stone (age 6) sits next to her.  He reads a page from the book, then stops, turns the book around and show the picture to the baby.  Then he reads another page, turns the book around and shows the picture to the baby.  He is the most amazing boy and so thoughtful.  I mean, really, how cute is that?  Stone has always loved books from the time he was a baby.  Last year he taught himself how to read with no help from his parents.  Now he is sharing his love of books with the newest member of the family.
2.  I went in for a massage today, and what a gift that was.  I have been so stressed about my job that I haven't been able to get it off my mind, even when I'm not working.  Laying there getting a massage tonight, my mind went blank.  It was like all of the stress of life just evaporated.  For a little while, things were okay and I didn't have to worry about it.
3.  I happened to flip the radio station while I was driving home from my massage, and they were playing CHRISTMAS MUSIC!  I think the song was "jingle bell rock" and instantly my whole person cheered up.  I have always been very affected by music.  Sometimes I'm surprised that Christmas music has the effect that it does, but then maybe that's why I have listened to it all year around in the past.  I have tried to save it just for Christmas in recent years, but I'm excited that the radio stations are now playing it.

In-human Emotion

I'm in Tucson, AZ today, and on a side note, I must say that I love Arizona in the winter! 
I have been crazy with emotions the past few days, and am crying at the drop of a hat.  Last night at the end of my flight to Tucson, the pilot came on the intercom and said "Thank you for flying with us.  We've enjoyed having you on board."  I almost started crying at the thought that he was glad to have me on board.  I know, it sounds silly to me too, but what can I say.
Then today at work, I was reading a chart of one of the patients who is a 10 year old boy with ADHD.  His mom had filled out a questionnaire regarding his condition.  One of the questions asked what his biggest challenges are and the mother answered that his inattention alienates his classmates and frustrates his teachers.  Then the next question was "what is the best thing about your child?"  To that she answered that he is a total sweetheart and doesn't have a mean bone in his body.  Again my eyes filled with tears as I imagined this little boy who is so sweet, but alienates the people around him.  Mind you, I don't even know the child and will never meet him, yet the thought that he is so sweet but alienates the people around him broke my heart.
I went to dinner with a friend tonight, and after assuring her that there is no way on earth I could be pregnant (um... yeah, that's not it!), she mentioned that I may be just a little stressed and that could be causing the increased emotion.  Yes, 'tis true.  I need to learn to relax, BiG TiMe!  Last week I went to get a massage, and my muscles were so tense that even the slightest touch hurt in places where I usually don't have any sensitivity at all.
So, I guess, unless I want to continue to cry at announcements from the pilot, I had better find a way to decompress.  Meditation.  Yoga.  Spa Day.  Something!  Hey a Spa Day sounds nice... and expensive. :0(

Halloween Baby - It's a GIRL!!!

Today a new little one became a part of our family.  She was born at 5:23am.  She weighs 7 lbs, 6 oz and is 19 inches long.  She has an amazing amount of blond hair.  Andrew said he "thinks" they are going to name her Leah.  I'm not sure when exactly they will decide for sure.  The interesting thing is how much I already love her, and I haven't even met her yet.  I just keep looking at her pictures over and over again thinking how much I love her and how excited I am to have her as a part of my family.  I can hardly wait for December when I will be able to go to Michigan for her blessing and meet her in person.

Children are the light of my life, but there is something about being related to them that makes me love them even more.  Perhaps it's because we knew each other before we came to this earth.  Did I sit with them in the pre-mortal world and have conversations about what earth life would be like?  Did I tell them that I would go before them and watch for them to come?  Did I promise to be there for them always?  Did they know that I would never have children of my own, and did they promise me that they would help fill that empty place in my heart?  I'm sure there must have been many tears and hugs 43 years ago when it was my turn to come to earth and we knew we wouldn't see each other for a long time.  How grateful I am that each one of them is here now.  Oh, how I love my little ones, some of whom aren't so little any more.

Never Say Never and Other Tid Bits

Is it October already?  I haven't written forever, but then that should be no surprise as most every journal entry from my young adulthood starts out this same way.  What can I say???

Last week was conference weekend, and as has become tradition since I moved back to Utah, I spent the weekend at the Coles' house.  Mary warned me prior to coming down that some of her kids had been sick with the stomach flu.  I assured her that I was not worried as I "never" throw up.  My body usually doesn't get sick like that.  So I proceeded to spend the weekend hanging out, hugging, sitting next to the kids and felt fine... until Sunday afternoon.  During the last session of conference my stomach started to feel weird.  By the closing song I was puking my guts out, and so it went every hour afterward until 9:30 that evening.  For someone who "never" throws up, it was quite a gut wrenching experience. :)

Speaking of guts, I have been reading the New Testament via telephone with my friend Marcia who lives in Virginia.  Tonight we read in Matthew chapter 23.  Jesus was talking about how the pharisees needed to cleanse the inner vessel.  In verse 27 it says "ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness."  I'm really learning to love the imagery that Jesus used.  It's been fun to laugh at some of the things he actually had the guts to say to the pharisee's faces.  Finally at the end of Matthew chapter 22, he had them so confounded that they stopped talking to him altogether.  I just had to laugh when we read that.  It's been fun to read with someone.  I'm seeing the New Testament from a different perspective.

Summer Vacation in Michigan - Part 1

I arrived in Michigan on Saturday afternoon.  I got settled in, then we went to a ward picnic in celebration of Pioneer Day.  At the picnic, they had a bottle of hand sanitizer, which I thought was very handy.  Andrew took a squirt and then I got some.  Sometime between the time when I squirted out a little sanitizer and the time I started rubbing my hands together, a bee somehow got in there and when I started rubbing... yea, you guessed it, the bee didn't like that very well and it stung me right on the palm of my hand.  That was the first time I have ever been stung by a bee.  Luckily, the internet came in very handy in finding a remedy.

On sunday, we went to church, then came home to relax.  We barbequed hamburgers for dinner and had a neighbor over who's wife is in Utah at a conference. He sat and told story after story from his life, and they were fascinating.  It made me wonder how one person can have so many great stories to tell.  He had a story for everything from ending up as a finalist for a job he had never applied for (and getting it) to coming face to face with a baracuda in Cancun.  It was fascinating.  After dinner, Andrew and I took the kids for a walk at Dow Gardens.  It was a nice evening.  Kate kept calling be Grandma Deedee.  We reminded her several times that I was Aunt Deedee and not Grandma Deedee.  Then she would smile and call me grandma just to tease me.

Today, we spent the day at Lake Michigan.  It was great.  The water was much warmer that I thought it would be.  I guess I'm used to swimming in mountain lakes that are so cold your lips end up turning blue by the end of the day.  The beach we went to today was very family friendly.  The water was shallow forever, which made it fun for the kids.  I took Stone out to the water, and he kept wanting to go further and further into the lake.  He was fearless.  The water was up to his shoulders and he kept saying "lets go further."  Finally, Andrew put Stone's life jacket on him, and the kid went crazy.  He went out in the water past the point that even I could touch the bottom, and I had to go pull him back.  He loved every second of it as did I.  Of course, I love being in the water, so that's no big surprise.  Andrew tried to build sand castles with the kids, but they kept knocking them over.  On the way home he asked the kids what they liked best about the day.  Stone said he liked the lake the best.  Katie said she like being buried in the sand and knocking over sand castles.  I thought it was kind of interesting that Andrew got frustrated with building sand castles because the kids kept destroying them, but that was Kate's favorite part of the day.  She's like the world's biggest tease, and whether it's calling me grandma or knocking down Andrew's sand castle before it's finished, if she's teasing someone, she's happy.  :0)

Catching up. Moving on. Looking forward.

It has been a rough few weeks since the diagnosis of sleep apnea and the subsequent aquiring of a CPAP machine.  I have spent the past few weeks trying to find the CPAP mask that fits the best and is the most comfortable for a good nights sleep. 

I've tried mask

after mask...

after mask...

after mask...

During the process, I have only gotten about 3-5 hours of sleep per night for the past 3 weeks.  It's been brutal, but hopefully it's coming to an end.  Last night I actually broke down and took a sleeping pill.  It's the first time in 3 weeks that I've actually slept through the night.  It was wonderful.  I woke up around 7:00am, but since it's now my vacation time, I rolled over and went back to sleep until 10:00am.  I've actually had energy to function today!

On a much happier note, I got to see my good friends Leslie and Joe Nielsen and their kids today.  I haven't seen them for quite a while since they moved to Rangley, CO.   It's funny... but Les was so big on kids being respectful of adults that I became "Aunt Deedee" to her kids from the time they were born.  It was funny to hear her call me Aunt Deedee again even though we are not related at all.  I'm so glad I got to see them before I took off for vacation to Michigan.

I'm so excited to see my family in Michigan. 

The last time I saw the whole family was in November when they were here for Thanksgiving.  I have since seen both Andrew (in Vegas for work) and Sarah (in SLC for her neices wedding), but haven't seen the kids.    I'm lucky that I get to see Todd's kids more often.  I love my kids!  Can't wait to spend time with the "Michigan Lovells" as Sarah would call them. 

Vacation, Here I Come!!!

Nelson Mandela and other inspirations

I was thinking of this quote, which I always thought was from Nelson Mandela, but as it turns out, he is not the original author.  He is simply the one who made it famous.   It was originally written by Marianne Williamson.  Still, if it weren't for Nelson Mandela, most of us would not be familiar with this profound thought.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I love the idea that if I let my light shine, it may give other people "permission" to do the same.  How often do we just need permission from someone, anyone, to step up or make a change or be ourselves.  Why not me?  I'm just sayin'!

Last week after I finished working in Bountiful, I went for a drive up in the hills above Bountiful.  There was a storm brewing, but through the clouds the sun was shining on the Great Salt Lake.  There was a streak of silver in the middle of the overcast view that was breath taking.  The pictures I took don't do it justice, but it was beautiful.  It's amazing to me what a little bit of light can do for an otherwise drab situation.  Whether it's light from the sun, or light from within ourselves, light can be inspiring.   

Nature is one of the most inspiring, uplifting things to my soul.  Whenever I drive in the mountains or go walking by a river or just see a beautiful glimpse of the nature that is all around me, I am so grateful to live in Utah, and it makes me never want to leave.  (Yes, even if it does SNOW the last week in May when it's in the mid 70s in southern California.)  I love being out in nature!

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

I just downloaded the MoTab version (arranged by Mack Wilberg) of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing."  This is one of my favorite hymns.  I never really knew all the words, so I looked them up.  What a beautiful description of our relationship to the Savior.   Not to mention that the music is a magical, inspiring piece.   Here are the lyrics...

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
Hither by thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed his precious blood.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

Seal it for thy courts above.

A Good Weekend and a Diagnosis

This past weekend my friend, Suzette, from St. George came for a visit.   We had a great time together.  Saturday, we hung out and ran errands.  We bought a bunch of fruit at Costco, and something that we bought must have had a bunch of fruit fly eggs which hatched once we got it home.  I think the pineapple must have been the culprit.  There are still random fruit flys flying all over my house, even though all the fruit is in the fridge and the garbage has been taken out.
We also went shopping for a cork board for my office.  I ended up buying a new office chair, a cork board, a new floor mat, and some other little office supplies.  It was one of those days when you console yourself about the money spent with whatever lame excuse you can come up with.  Let's just say I'm glad I can write it all of at tax season! 
Suzette is very handy with a screw driver too, so she volunteered to do a bunch of household repairs for me for which I am extremely grateful.  She fixed a drawer in my kitchen that had been broken since I moved in.  She also hung a towel rod that had fallen off the wall in my bathroom.  Finally, she helped me hang my cork board in my office and put my new chair together.

Sunday, we took a drive up Big Cottonwood Canyon  and went for a little hike.  Of course it was beautiful up there.  It was great to have company!  I love it when people come to visit.  My door is alway open if you need a place to stay in Salt Lake.
Today I saw my Pulmonologist.  It is as we suspected.  I have severe sleep apnea.  It turns out that I stop breathing an average of 30 times per hour when I am asleep.  The results are facinating to me.  I now have proof that I toss and turn a lot when I sleep, which explains the fact that my blankets are always all over the place when I wake up in the morning.  Also, during 7 hours of sleep, my legs moved 211 times.
No wonder I am always tired when I wake up in the morning.  I work out all night, but I don't breathe while I'm doing it!  :0)