| Afraid |
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| 11:48pm 28/04/2004 |
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I overslept this morning. Too stressed from Dad's bullshit.
I double checked my car before leaving my friend's house. 1 lugstud snapped. 4 lugs were loosened on the driver's side rear.
Somebody's out to get me and I'm fuckin' tired of it. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 3rd strike of Deja Vu... |
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| 12:55am 24/04/2004 |
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Scenario #1:
3 - 3.5 months ago
Just gave the 'vette a full tank of gas this morning; driving around, feeling great. ... By early evening: Rear brakes are leaking fluid.
2 months ago (Approx.)
Just put $36 in the tank to fill 'er up.
Within 4 hours, my rear wheel bearings spun.
2 weeks ago (Somewhere around there...maybe less...)
Just spent $48 on a full tank of fucking gas.
Within 36 hours; front brake calipers leaking.
Tonight (4/23/24 about 11:00pm)...
Just got the 'vette working again a few days ago. Spend $200 my Mom gave me for parts. It cost $46 to fill the tank tonight at about 11:00pm (Needed enough gas for a trip to LA in the morning; and I prefer to sleep in 5 minutes rather than hit the sack that much earlier).
12:14PM; April 24, 2004:
Holy Shit! That clacking sound is the wheel lobing around on a single remaning lug stud.
4 of my lug nuts flew off the 'Vette;... they snapped at the base of the studs. From the first report of clacking I immediately began to slow her down from 35 - 40 mph. By the time I had traveled 30 feet to comfortably stop, I was down to a single lug and stud holding my wheel to the hub. This remaning stud appears to be nearly torn off as well. Maybe a fourth of the 3/8" diameter is still rigid. It's weak enough to shift by your fingers.
Basically; if I were on a freeway... well... Have you seen Changing Lanes?
Strangely I happened to just exit the freeway in Torrance because the handling felt off and I was being a bit over-cautious (or so it seemed before the near death experience). When finally back in Lakewood; on Lakewood Blvd in between Del Amo and Candlewood (hah; It wasn't more than 1000 feet from the old starbucks) my car decided to rebel again and forced her ass to be stopped in the middle of Lakewood Blvd for all to gawk at.
Another strangety is that Bilen and I both mentioned about 2 hours beforehand that we had just witnessed our first 'Found On Road Dead' Corvette sitings within the last day.
Blah.
I feel okay at the moment. We'll see if the mood hits me later.
Wish me luck. Any donations? |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| I still exist |
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| 08:12am 20/04/2004 |
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mood:  pessimistic
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Yes, I am still around.
Tuned Port Injection sales still bringing in cash. Still making money with computer shit. And now www.louvreerotica.com is up, functional; and has been receiving a few orders.
I spent $1000 (my last boundaries of scraped up credit), building the web server to host it. So it had better be taking orders...heh.
However, it should be powerful enough to host the site up and into 15,000 hits/day while still standing up to my Renaissance Innovations contract clients database queries and remote data access needs.
Basically, much to the surprise of many who critisized my risky demeanor, I'm making it back up.
Hah. Fuck making it back up. At this rate with LouvreErotica,... I'll have a 6 digit figure in my bank account in 2005.
So to all who said I was handling things poorly:
... Eat my Dust ...
To those who believed in me, and helped me along. To those with that ever so very much needed helping hand... Many Thanks. You didn't waste your time and Karma will see you properly rewarded in this case,... Despite her entropic habits as of late and all around infamous apathy.
I got the Corvette running two days ago. She gives me wood around every screeching turn. I often need a change of unmentionables after a good cruise because driving around in the beastly bitch still brings me the (somehow forgotten) orgasmic endorphin rush.
I'm 99% myself again now.
Except...
I guess I feel better than I did 9 months ago. Now I'm pretty damned independant... I've come to stare down Murphy and his fucking Laws until he's the one sitting on porch steps pouting his life away. I've learned a rediculous amount about business, money, the great sea of sharks beyond me... yada yada....
All in all, push come to shove: I came out okay in the end... And I think I've gained some kind of character...
The figure in the mirror is much less monochromatic now.
Guess I mostly wanted to update LJ to get Lara and Heather off my back about it...
:-D |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| For a Moment |
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| 11:16pm 16/02/2004 |
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For a moment I was getting into a pretty rediculous fear here.
People are starting to seem to think poorly of me. I've been downhill too long and it appears as if I'm just jacking off wasting away the way so many people do...
I've just proven my potential, however...
The parts I've been polishing and selling just had a major auction campaign finish up tonight.
Parts we paid $300 for, and spent no more than 4 hours of time on (we hired someone to polish them)... just sold for over $530.
Just pulled off a $230 profit from 4 hours of no more than transportation, eBay posting, and sexy marketing.
Know anyone who complains about $50/hour payout without lifting a finger for physical labor or even straining the brain too terribly much?
Fuck whoever doubted my capability, ambition and my research/responsibility.
I'm on my way out of this fucking hole. I don't care how many dark flames singed my flesh in the time working with Vechi... I'm going to be coming out as clean and strong as ever.
My motivation and ranting business ideas have proven backing now.
From the adult movie sales returning no less than double my money every time, to the automotive deals... I'm going to come out on top, more and more quickly... And do so honestly... despite sharks like Vechi out there trying to snap me out of commission.
Now that I've got a huge weight starting to leave my shoulders, I WILL be able to get myself back. I'll be me again! My Dream and aspiration will come true again!
I'm comnig back. I promise. I do so very much miss everyone. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| 02:14pm 10/02/2004 |
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Yep... another full fledged venting post is probably on its way. Patience is leaving my grasp. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Murphy's Law in full effect. |
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| 11:58pm 30/01/2004 |
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A few nights ago someone approached me (someone I know, but wont mention their name), trying to get me to come along in their car. They wanted to know Vechi's address and weren't happy when I refused to give it to them. His address is where Bilen and their Mom reside. I'll do anything I have to to keep them out of harm's way.
So, im front of my own house, this guy and two buddies decided to get in my face, push me around a bit and persist on getting the information from me. Several threats were set down before their departure.
2 days ago I went to get in the Corvette and see if she'd make it to college. I started it up and went into reverse. Hit the brakes out of the driveway to feel the pedal hit the floor. No brakes. Shifted to neutral and slowed it as long as I could before dumping it in Park to stop her. Someone cut the rear brake lines.
I don't think it was the person who threatened me.
I don't have the $228 to cover Vechi's payment of the 3000GT this month. I wont be able to pay my Dad unless I come up with it quickly. The last $100 I made went into a security camera for my home.
For some reason people think I deserve to be pushed around, threatened, and even deserve a totaled Corvette a la severed brake lines; all because I did everything I could to help a sociopath asshole with nothing to lose.
I'm tired lately. I slept 10 hours last night and 6 hours of today. I don't feel like doing a god damned thing anymore. Every step I take is too nearly futile to be worth the effort.
Insanity creeps nearer. I'm happier when I talk to myself and laugh is hysteria. I like to let myself see things and hear things that I know aren't really there. It's easier that way.
When I keep my eyes open too many tears block my vision. I'm sick of the disgust I feel looking in the van's rearview mirror at a red, puffy face.
So sometimes instead I let my mind escape. Every sense is dulled.
The demons come more often now. Just last night he haunted me again. He kept persisting and I had to will him away once more. I wonder what will happen the night I give in and let him stay with me. I wonder where he'll take me and what I'll feel.
The little voice whispers 'kill... Kill,' and I just laugh. |
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| Trixie looks funny. |
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| 03:50pm 19/01/2004 |
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My cat no longer has a tail.
Her tail was dislocated somehow and they had to amputate it. So now I have a cat with crossed eyes, no tail and a shaved ass.
And the next bad thing to happen around me will be?. ...
On the bright side, I found a wine cooler in the fridge. Fuck getting caught... I need something here. |
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| 05:35pm 18/01/2004 |
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Marilyn is home safe... mostly.
Need a clutch, a battery, fog lights, MAF sensor and intake ducting, oil change, shifter knob, carpeting and several interior parts...
But... she's home safe. |
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| Baby Steps |
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| 10:04pm 17/01/2004 |
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I received a call today from Rob Whitehead.
Last night I e-mailed him about my car being kept at his shop. Today he left a message for me stating that I could come and pick it up sometime Sunday, otherwise he would have it towed as an abandoned car.
This is good.
One step forward. Now if only I could stay awake for more than 12 hours a day and tell these demons to go the hell away I would be almost okay.
Oh... and I got Barbie to run again. She's got more torque than ever, but the choke still sticks on and the secondaries still wont open at WOT, so she bogs in high RPMs. But she works.
sigh... Let's add carburetors to my skillset, shall we? |
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| 11:58am 16/01/2004 |
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Time to throw a bitchy crazy 'finally snapped' tantrum and go for a drive. Too fucking bad I have to do it in the 'Dodge Prospector' van.
Fuck me ... |
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| Hey Barbie |
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| 02:27am 21/12/2003 |
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She's running again. After about 50 hours work in the last 3 days I've finally got her on the road again.
Still has a weird noise at the front left when there's a lot of torsion. I still feel like the wheel bearing is out up there. Will take a look tomorrow.
I tried to get the wheel off tonight to look, but the damned locked lug needs an impact to get off. I can't put enough pressure on it while I'm trying to spin it off to keep the key in. Did much damage to my hands trying to do so.
Lookin' at this...
http://www.harborfreight.com/cpi/ctaf/Displayitem.taf?itemnumber=36175
Only 150 ft. lb. ... but I'm hoping it's enough. I don't have an air compressor, or enough money for a high quality electric impact.
Anyway, in other news... I caught Vechi today. He drove through Starbucks in Christine's car... guess he thinks I'm not observant enough to realize it's CHRISTINE's car... and that she's one of the very few who put up with him... and that I'm aware she'd be more than willing to allow him the use of her car at times.
*snicker
I saw the car in the drive through and ran inside... asked Carol who was going through drive... she didn't answer (probably didn't hear me) but I saw him at the window. Went around and asked when he'd arrange for me to pick up the 3000GT. He shook his head and said 'no'. Then mentioned 'You should have received official notification as of today'. He blabbed about two messengers being sent to my house with court orders and being turned away. *snicker* Bullshit.
So, I get to send him his. yay.
He seemed almost scared when I walked up.
Mmmm, being more confident than the self-centered ass felt kind've cool.
Ahhh, first step of gratification...
Oh, and, also at Starbucks; Someone tried to take the 'vette. lol. I was sitting talking to Paul and he said 'Hey,.. get that guy away from your car'. Someone was walking around the 'vette checking it out. I started walking that direction and about halfway accross the street saw him, (I think it was a her, actually) open the passenger door. My drum major voice came back as I shouted 'Hey' and heard the echo resonate for about 5 seconds. The lady/guy/shim/whatever looked at me, started edging away from the car without closing the door; and walked away looking at me. I just firmly told her 'Sorry, not tonight' and went to lock up the car and put the T-Tops back on.
Walking back Paul was coming accross in case I needed help. He almost started to laugh and said 'Fuck. Don't mess with Ken and his car'... or something of the like.
Hmm... Good words Vechi should hear, I s'pose. |
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| Going the Distance? |
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| 12:42am 20/12/2003 |
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Worked on the 'vette last night and all day today. Got a majority of the work done. I want to cruise her down the 10 with Bilen Sunday.
$260 on parts... Grrr.
I'm making it back up though. Between contracted computer shit through Renaissance Innotvations, eBay endevours, and side work with cars... bills are paid, car is getting fixed, and I'm still buying Djarum & Starbucks here and there.
Actually, since I'm still paying my Dad for the car loans, I'm paying off the principal of a car I'll be getting back soon enough. So once the 3000GT is sold, I may be somewhere in the positive on it. (Depends how much the clutch costs I s'pose... [sarcastic] yay)
Life's still too tough... I'm too busy... don't care.
Starting college next semester. Intro to Psychology, Moldmaking I, Jazz Improvisation, Freshman Comp, and Programming in C/C++.
Mom will pay my insurance and cell phone bill as long as I have more than 12 units going. Sounds worthwhile I s'pose.
Not exactly the more profitable way to go, but I'll be able to stop and smell the roses once my loan with my Dad is paid since I wont have many bills itching my anus. Do some social/business networking as well. A rarity lately... |
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| Drive. |
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| 12:18am 16/12/2003 |
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I wanted to post an entry of
'Let's play Dueces Wild, Murphy'
or something...
but Lady Salvia is calling.
I've never felt her want me so bad. Her lips are stinging at me.
Basic rundown...
I tried to fix the 'vette tonight. She broke down much worse. I will post pictures soon of a drive axel completely broken off of the drivers side wheel.
Car almost left the ground for a moment when it finally broke.
I'm still not sure how much it'll cost.
Murphy's law is definately in effect...
I'm going to go see Lady Salvia now... she must have something to tell me. When I walked into my room I absent mindedly went directly for the pipe. I haven't smoked this stuff in months. For some reason it's calling out to me.
I already took a couple hits. It's stronger than ever. My mind wants to open up to me somewhere and I'm anxious to see it.
Will clear all this cryptic shit up later. For now, I'm going to find something out about myself.
This will be fun. |
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| Pinch. |
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| 03:19pm 14/12/2003 |
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mood:  exhausted
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Barbie tried to kill me.
I think a wheel bearing went out. She started shuddering and swerving hard to the right at times. Almost hit walls and a Honda Civic (was aiming for the Civic). Need to fix, but it's rainy and wet.
So for a while there I had a few things still going okay. Bilen, few good friends, 'vette... Now 'vette is out of commission 'till I can figure out what's going on. Can't go out for joyrides. Suck.
Vechi's not responding to phone calls. Can't track him. Would be hard to serve him a court order. Fun shit.
So I owe my Dad $6100, my Mom $1000, have $450 in bills (usually a great deal of that would be paid by Vechi for 3000GT payment, but he's ceased such 'nonsense') and have $800 on the credit card.
Bank statement shows... let's see... $300 now.
Maybe time to go find a job again. G'bye to that dream for now. Have to make sure I can keep Barbie.
At least Bilen and I are happy. If not for her at this very moment I'd be quite the druggie.
...Fuck, I still want drugs...
Ever feel like the thread is getting thinner? Never sure if it'll stop thinning or break at any moment? Like every solid aspect of your life suddenly took a volatile state while the less reliable aspects suddenly became all you rely on?
Everything switched on me. I went from being completely on track to swerving out of control and I don't know whether to hit the gas or brake, to steer in or countersteer.
I want to scream for help, but no one could even if they wanted to.
I swear, if I ever trust anyone to that extent again I need to be shot. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. |
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| 09:20pm 09/12/2003 |
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If you had one shot, one opportunity; to seize everything you ever wanted; one moment; would you capture it? Or just let it slip?
-Eminem, "Lose Yourself"
I've proudly removed the dangerous nitrous button from my lifestyle.
I'm running low on gas. There's little motivation remaining. But now I'm not sure I can stay ahead anymore.
I may have what it takes to win the races, but I continue to undergo sabotage due to excessive trust and risk.
I wont hesitate to take someone on. It's their buddies knife in my back that I fear.
Moreso intimidating is again having to mutter another 'Et tu Brutus'.
I'm still fighting. |
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| It hit the fan... |
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| 02:41pm 03/12/2003 |
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Well... I'm going to be going through much strife soon enough. A deal that appeared as if it could be sour just became putrid. I'm going to end up losing a lot of money to irresponsible, self-centered traits of someone who needs to realize how much of a hit I keep taking.
I'm not sure I'll make it financially through the month without losing the 'vette. I don't think I'll have time to sleep much for a while.
I'm going to go forget about the world for a little while. Time to just drive one last time before I can't anymore. I think it'll help me make it through this bullshit. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Falling is getting old. |
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| 04:53am 01/12/2003 |
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I just keep seeing the bank statement go down. I have to turn it around. I can't stop when I'm so close. |
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| Ever know? |
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| 07:51pm 27/11/2003 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Ever know something for sure and find it reality later? Ever make a promise to yourself and have it come true?
When I know something for sure, I'm always right about it. Every detail and context may not come out, but the principal event always occurs.
I don't think it's precognition or ESP, psychic ability, etc... I just think it's a compilation of fact and assumption to result in a very probable result. The feeling that occupies the assumptions is differant than normal feelings, so it gets a misconception of supernatural or extra-ordinary.
"The first thing somebody needs to do is learn to dream. Because dreams come true."
Corny as it may be, anything anyone wants bad enough will come. How far you're willing to push and what you're willing to put in to achieve it are the only contraints. Any IQ a couple deviations above the standard may come as aid, but I don't think it necessary.
Perseverance, Motivation, Drive... with todays exquisite access to knowlege, no one should be capable of losing their dream.
I've almost forgetten love. It bears a smaller and smaller portion of my mind. I'm losing part of my personality, but doing so keeps me moving with a stronger drive. When I spend less time moping, I get more done. The path is set out. I have so many plans to set into movement. There are so many opportunities out there that just need proper exploitation. To move into a proper inertial vector, I can't be pulled into spirals of doubt, remorse and emotional strife.
People will start to call me a workaholic soon.
She's too elusive, the fucking bitch. Always hiding from me. She's probably laughing at the camoflauge images of perfection that can send me into weeks, months,.. even nearly a year of emotional confusion. I've stopped bothering to seek her out so desperately.
Still... if ever I had that certain feeling that true love would never find me; I would still proceed directly to PCH for my awesome fiery car crash. Ken and Barbie in a terribly magnificent suicide.
Playing 'My Funny Valentine' back in jazz band with the thoughts and images of Idalmi in my head once gave me the ultimate of euphoric sensations. No drug I've tried, no kiss I've received and no drifting corner in a 1978 Corvette ever compared to it.
The meaning of life, you ask?
Simple...
Finding Meaning. |
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| Had to get away |
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| 11:03pm 18/11/2003 |
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We both had to get away.
Bilen and I took a drive down PCH this evening.
After a short evening nap, I just woke up and decided I had to steal her for the night.
Saw her on AIM a few minutes after waking up:
[Her Screen Name]: whatcha doin?
NeOdin1000101: lol.. installing drivers
[Her Screen Name]: so exciting
NeOdin1000101: yep.
NeOdin1000101: Can I steal you tonight?
[Her Screen Name]: maybe
[Her Screen Name]: why?
NeOdin1000101: I don't know. Because I want to and I can't really help myself not to.
[Her Screen Name]: lol
[Her Screen Name]: k
NeOdin1000101: lol. When can I steal you?
[Her Screen Name]: whenever is good
[Her Screen Name]: can i call you right now?
NeOdin1000101: Sure.
Drove out and ended up heading to Moss Point. She had never been. We talked the way up there, and sat at the shoreline talking for an hour or two before heading back.
It felt so good to escape. The sky was so clear and the tide was low. It was beautiful. |
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