I met up with 
lorilie at Spice Street early yesterday evening. We talked for a bit and I once again found myself talking about Stacey. Today is another one of those bad days. The grief still is fresh and unbearable. I understand that each relationship has different endings but I just can not fathom why this hurts so much. Part of thought that once I made sure that we were through with each other, then I could start healing. Now, nothing seems to have changed inside me. I still pace like a wounded animal. I still find myself typing the same words. I stare out my front door and see the building she works in. I can still spot her car from my front porch and waves of regret, confusion, and grief overwhelm me. I have given up billiards just because I could not stand being at the pool hall while she would be there. I have stopped going to various places that I have frequented due to this fear of feeling my heart tremble if I saw her. It is hard enough to go to Spice Street because she may show up there. I find myself becoming a prisoner self-confined by lost love. Last night the hurt came into me. The night had been a planned night for us both from past plans and it set about a catalyst inside me sitting there alone. I did not harm myself physically but the thoughts were dark and psyche damaging. This hybrid of grief and anger are taking a toll on my mental health. I know I have people that do care about me, and I love them all. I know this is not helping them as well yet I just can not seem to get over this. I do not know why most of all that this would be so hard since the relationship was short in comparions to other relationships and people I have loved. I guess that is part of my confusion, why this is unique in how bad it feels to be without her. I have felt saddness and the lost of others before, don't get me wrong. I have wanted everything to end before due to the lost loves. I just find this to be so oddly hard to get through.
I stayed at Spice Street afterlorilie left to watch the NCAA game. There was this adorable woman all in white with some friends that smiled at me after lori left. I politely smiled back and went back to my book. A bit later I saw her walking past me on the sidewalk, she turned her head and looked at me and did not stop looking until almost out of sight and I became uncomfortable and shyed my head down. For a brief moment, it felt good to be looked at, but it also clouded my heart again and my mind went back to what I miss. I try not to dwell believe it or not. It just is parasitic and clings tight around my throat. I keep hoping by putting the words down I will find strength to heal.
lorilie at Spice Street early yesterday evening. We talked for a bit and I once again found myself talking about Stacey. Today is another one of those bad days. The grief still is fresh and unbearable. I understand that each relationship has different endings but I just can not fathom why this hurts so much. Part of thought that once I made sure that we were through with each other, then I could start healing. Now, nothing seems to have changed inside me. I still pace like a wounded animal. I still find myself typing the same words. I stare out my front door and see the building she works in. I can still spot her car from my front porch and waves of regret, confusion, and grief overwhelm me. I have given up billiards just because I could not stand being at the pool hall while she would be there. I have stopped going to various places that I have frequented due to this fear of feeling my heart tremble if I saw her. It is hard enough to go to Spice Street because she may show up there. I find myself becoming a prisoner self-confined by lost love. Last night the hurt came into me. The night had been a planned night for us both from past plans and it set about a catalyst inside me sitting there alone. I did not harm myself physically but the thoughts were dark and psyche damaging. This hybrid of grief and anger are taking a toll on my mental health. I know I have people that do care about me, and I love them all. I know this is not helping them as well yet I just can not seem to get over this. I do not know why most of all that this would be so hard since the relationship was short in comparions to other relationships and people I have loved. I guess that is part of my confusion, why this is unique in how bad it feels to be without her. I have felt saddness and the lost of others before, don't get me wrong. I have wanted everything to end before due to the lost loves. I just find this to be so oddly hard to get through.I stayed at Spice Street after
lorilie left to watch the NCAA game. There was this adorable woman all in white with some friends that smiled at me after lori left. I politely smiled back and went back to my book. A bit later I saw her walking past me on the sidewalk, she turned her head and looked at me and did not stop looking until almost out of sight and I became uncomfortable and shyed my head down. For a brief moment, it felt good to be looked at, but it also clouded my heart again and my mind went back to what I miss. I try not to dwell believe it or not. It just is parasitic and clings tight around my throat. I keep hoping by putting the words down I will find strength to heal. 