"i know the most important thing is to just let things happen. but i know, also, that i'm constantly faced with endless decisions about what to do next and that i'm extremely indecisive about them. which gives me control over what to do next such that letting things happen will first be dependent on whatever i decision i make. i should listen more with my inner ear, but there's so much noise sometimes. and i get distracted. maybe i need to be more alone, with more bare walls, and less availability to technology that might distract me. or is that the methadone answer? is there something deeper, more fundamental i need to confront?"

funny. i wrote that january 1st, 2002 and nothing has really changed. i still feel the same.



addendum: and on october 22nd, 2002 i said this:

"outside, 2am, 40 degrees, feeling/experiencing the cosmos
make no mistake
there is no one here for me

perhaps there never will be"