the facts
so in early july, my girlfriend expressed the desire to live on her own. she's never lived on her own before and she felt she had to stop being dependent on others and finally be self-sufficient. she wanted to stay together, she just wanted to live elsewhere. i was against the idea, but supported her decision. we found an awesome place that neither of us could pass up. the lease was up sept. 1st and i had to move out too, since i wouldn't be able to afford rent without the extra income (we went from a joint bank acct. to individual ones). so we both decided to live there, thus making it easier for us-i could give her rides places since she doesn't drive and we could share the cats. so we both signed a lease agreement. leading up to her moving out, she began suggesting that it might be better if we broke up when she moved out. she finally moved out the first week of august, and i broke up with her the same week, namely because she was avoiding doing the same to me so as not to hurt me and i thought that was fucking ridiculous and refused to stay together after i learned that. we had sex or otherwise fooled around a couple of times after that. it wasn't romantic, it meant nothing more than satisfying physical urges on both of our parts. but she then began fooling around with another guy, who she'd been platonic friends with for a while, about a week later. i suspected something was up but she kept forcefully denying it. we went out drinking last night and she finally admitted that she had indeed "done things" with him, although they hadn't had sex, since she still felt tied up with or attached to me or whatever.
i moved most of my major things out yesterday and bought a futon today and moved that over. but back to last night. after one of the most intense fights we've ever had at a local bar, one that included her trying to get out of the car while i was still driving it, her shoe scraping against the pavement, and me saying "fuck you" over and over, i dropped her off at her/my soon-to-be place. i went back to my current place and, for some reason that i don't recall right now (yes i was drunk) i went back over to my/her place, but didn't go to her apt. or try to talk to her or anything. i went to mine and woke up on the floor 4 hours later at 6:45am not knowing why i was there.
i left and went back to my soon-to-be-former apt. and went back to sleep. she called me at 9:45 and we went out for breakfast. which seemed pretty fucked up to me then and even moreso now. i basically told her last night that i never wanted to see her/talk to her/deal with her ever again. but in the morning i realized she still has to move stuff out of here, help me clean the place up, we have to deal with the cats, we're still splitting the cell bill, since its cheaper than having individual plans, etcetc. and i have $10 to my name right now until i get paid wednesday, and she agreed to buy my breakfast, so i agreed. we did argue a little bit still at breakfast, but it went okay otherwise.
still, i have no idea what to do. it's not that i can't deal with what happened, with her being physical with someone else so soon after we broke up, when this thing we share, this almost uncanny connection that brought us together from being 700 miles away is still there, which she acknowledges. the thing is i can deal with it. specifically, in one of two ways. i can try to be friends with her and continually be hurt whenever she brings him up or he calls when we're hanging out together or we part and it ends in a hug and no kiss, and just in general, when i'm home alone where, for the last year, she was always there and now i'm sleeping in an empty bed and making dinner for myself etcetc. OR i can prevent myself from being hurt at all, by doing what i said i was going to last night, and totally disassociating myself from her. i know that's not the healthy option, not that either of them are, but the urge to do that is so incredibly strong. i have to admit that part of me wants to do that to her for revenge also. so she'll miss me and realize how important i was to her, since she's mostly ignorant of that when i see her every other day and talked to her several times a day on average. do you understand? the latter option would also help me move on, much moreso than the former. i don't want to still want her when she no longer wants me. i don't want to be reminded of how much i love her and wish we were still together because, to me, that seems more right than anything. i can hardly imagine "not us". it's very difficult for me to think about US as not being a fact of existence, which isn't a testament to some particular obsession or extreme dependence, but rather to how ridiculously right WE seemed as a combined entity. she even acknowledged as much the other day.
so that's the end. originally, this post was going to be "my gf moved out and broke up with me and is now seeing another guy. how's your day?" or some such crap. but i have no one to talk to really, so i guess the rest came out as a result. it feels a little bit pathetic, but i really have no one. i've always been a "loner" and never been very good at making friends. i keep to myself and no one approaches me. i think i give off a "do not touch" vibe. on the one hand, i tend to prefer things this way. it's part of my identity. i've just been so alone all my life that it's part of who i am. it's also probably why i'm fucked up in some ways. but whatever. i hope this doesn't end up just being another stupid post that no one reads/comments to. not that i expect anyone would have much of anything to say about all this. it's a totally personal thing and i know i have to deal with it myself. i'm used to that anyway. i'm always dealing with everything alone. it's why i'm so strong. but i do need the human contact/touch. i can't live without it. and it's going to suck when i'm alone and i need that and i just end up going out driving the streets alone, seeing all the other people with their companions having a good time. i don't even smoke, so i don't have that comforting crutch. whatever. i'm off to do i don't have a clue what. have fun kids.
i moved most of my major things out yesterday and bought a futon today and moved that over. but back to last night. after one of the most intense fights we've ever had at a local bar, one that included her trying to get out of the car while i was still driving it, her shoe scraping against the pavement, and me saying "fuck you" over and over, i dropped her off at her/my soon-to-be place. i went back to my current place and, for some reason that i don't recall right now (yes i was drunk) i went back over to my/her place, but didn't go to her apt. or try to talk to her or anything. i went to mine and woke up on the floor 4 hours later at 6:45am not knowing why i was there.
i left and went back to my soon-to-be-former apt. and went back to sleep. she called me at 9:45 and we went out for breakfast. which seemed pretty fucked up to me then and even moreso now. i basically told her last night that i never wanted to see her/talk to her/deal with her ever again. but in the morning i realized she still has to move stuff out of here, help me clean the place up, we have to deal with the cats, we're still splitting the cell bill, since its cheaper than having individual plans, etcetc. and i have $10 to my name right now until i get paid wednesday, and she agreed to buy my breakfast, so i agreed. we did argue a little bit still at breakfast, but it went okay otherwise.
still, i have no idea what to do. it's not that i can't deal with what happened, with her being physical with someone else so soon after we broke up, when this thing we share, this almost uncanny connection that brought us together from being 700 miles away is still there, which she acknowledges. the thing is i can deal with it. specifically, in one of two ways. i can try to be friends with her and continually be hurt whenever she brings him up or he calls when we're hanging out together or we part and it ends in a hug and no kiss, and just in general, when i'm home alone where, for the last year, she was always there and now i'm sleeping in an empty bed and making dinner for myself etcetc. OR i can prevent myself from being hurt at all, by doing what i said i was going to last night, and totally disassociating myself from her. i know that's not the healthy option, not that either of them are, but the urge to do that is so incredibly strong. i have to admit that part of me wants to do that to her for revenge also. so she'll miss me and realize how important i was to her, since she's mostly ignorant of that when i see her every other day and talked to her several times a day on average. do you understand? the latter option would also help me move on, much moreso than the former. i don't want to still want her when she no longer wants me. i don't want to be reminded of how much i love her and wish we were still together because, to me, that seems more right than anything. i can hardly imagine "not us". it's very difficult for me to think about US as not being a fact of existence, which isn't a testament to some particular obsession or extreme dependence, but rather to how ridiculously right WE seemed as a combined entity. she even acknowledged as much the other day.
so that's the end. originally, this post was going to be "my gf moved out and broke up with me and is now seeing another guy. how's your day?" or some such crap. but i have no one to talk to really, so i guess the rest came out as a result. it feels a little bit pathetic, but i really have no one. i've always been a "loner" and never been very good at making friends. i keep to myself and no one approaches me. i think i give off a "do not touch" vibe. on the one hand, i tend to prefer things this way. it's part of my identity. i've just been so alone all my life that it's part of who i am. it's also probably why i'm fucked up in some ways. but whatever. i hope this doesn't end up just being another stupid post that no one reads/comments to. not that i expect anyone would have much of anything to say about all this. it's a totally personal thing and i know i have to deal with it myself. i'm used to that anyway. i'm always dealing with everything alone. it's why i'm so strong. but i do need the human contact/touch. i can't live without it. and it's going to suck when i'm alone and i need that and i just end up going out driving the streets alone, seeing all the other people with their companions having a good time. i don't even smoke, so i don't have that comforting crutch. whatever. i'm off to do i don't have a clue what. have fun kids.
