as i was sitting in traffic at a light, i watched as a huge throng of birds flew about in a sort of circle over the intersection from one tree to another and back again. it was wonderful, and it made me smile. i felt the feeling of wanting to live my life doing things like watching birds and laughing about how wonderful it all is. but immediately after came the realization that i have no one to share such things with. now that her boyfriend the firefighter is spending all of his time working, my ex is the only person i can reliably spend time with if i wanted. and i don't want. moreover, while she has the ability to enjoy such things, she's often too cynical and negative-oriented to let herself.
these thoughts are no doubt shaped by recent experiences. it's similar to when you have a brush with death and so learn to really appreciate life.
i'm jealous of people who have really good friends that they spend a lot of time with. i don't think i've ever had that outside of a relationship. i've had platonic friends before, but never a "best" friend that i really connected with that i wasn't going out with. or maybe i just tend to fall in love with all my potential best friends. i don't know.
but i'm sad, because i want to be with someone right now, outside enjoying life, not inside on a computer. i've done a lot of things since i've been alone that i've really enjoyed. but it seems that you can only get so far with such things by yourself. that you can only squeeze so much pleasure out of a moment when it's just you. i feel like i keep hitting that ceiling. like i'm full to the brim with these things i experienced alone that no one knows about, that remain unshared. so full that when i experience new things, either they will slide right off of me like teflon, or they will force some other experience out. yet when you have someone to share an experience with, that somehow takes it to another, very different level. it transcends it's normal status and becomes something new. it takes on a different meaning and it's really fucking wonderful.
here's an experiment. take all the most significant experiences you've had throughout the last few weeks. now, for those things that you experienced alone, imagine if you had shared them with another. for those experiences that you shared with someone, imagine that you had experienced them alone. how would it make the experience different? how would it change it?
there's a second meaning in all of this. only one person would get it though, and i don't know if i even want that person to. i have no idea what i want really.
EDIT: some of this was directly related to the fact that a very awesome person i only just met recently will be moving to another country in january. moreover, since i work all next week, then xmas eve with my dad, then xmas with my mom, then leaving for ny on the 26th and not getting back until the 5th, there is a limited amount of time we can spend together before she leaves. the reference to the brush with death was regarding the leaving of a good friend just as one realized how great it was to have such a person. i emailed her after i'd written the above asking her to read it when she got the chance. she did late last night and contacted me suggesting we should talk in person. so she drove here at 3am and talked with me for 3 hours with the intent of cheering me up. how awesome is that? i can't remember the last time someone did something like that for me. so while it's possible that that experience should only make it more difficult for me to accept her departure, knowing that such a great friend will be leaving all too soon, it actually made me feel better about it, though i'm not sure i can explain why. anyway, i went through some old posts of mine and found something that just reaffirmed the positive feelings i'm now having, which i will now (re)post.
