i'm squandering my gift because i don't know how to give it.

i've been depending on everything else for far too long.

psychedelic drugs.
books.
caffeine.
relationships.
the occasional wild trip into the unknown (california, europe, abandoned mental hospital, your psyche)

you have to cut off the other.

because you let that affect you. more than you probably realize.

it distorts.

(where is my phantom limb?) (my phantom limb is choking me)

see, we get lost in a sea of "oh my god it's me what do i do?!?!?" and begin looking outward.
even the "inward" becomes outward.
your (future)relation to others/the world

fuck your pride.

you're not inside yourself, you're doing your best to stay outside.
that guy, the one you identify with, he is not you. not only that, he is your cocaine. don't confuse a chorus for enlightenment. not even a lone tenor. at least the tenor is willing to use his voice. what are you doing? letting him sing your sorrows and joys while you are content to point to him as your prime acheivement. no one gives a shit about your pointing. your pointing just illustrates your inability to do your own singing.

so used to trying to convey your ideal of yourself by pointing at everything else. look! this is me! look, that is me! wow. so you are a vapid dance track with a pounding beat? that's what you would have me believe. so i guess maybe it's time you learned who the fuck you are and decided to start being yourself instead of pointing at everything else as examples of you.

by being critical of others, i am being critical of myself.

the end.

(warning. rambling up ahead)

i think sometimes that, rather than an autobiography, the best description of a person would be found by talking with those closest to the person. so i guess what that means practically is that you're not going to get any juicy details here. i think of myself as more honest than most people. or at least more willing to be open. but i don't have any intentions of doing all the work for you. i am going to drift away and die in your mind if you decide to forego the opportunity to get to know me.

maybe you have no incentive. that is okay. i don't blame you. in our world today, i think i, better than a good number of people, understand the million fucking decisions each of us has to make every millisecond (or maybe that's just me). that is certainly not a boast if it would be taken as such. seeing the complexities involved in every little thing is almost a handicap, at least if you have difficulty prioritizing, which i do.

so do what you will. it's all good. i'm just saying. i'm not here for long. my dreams will one day lift me off the ground and i will dissolve into the clouds. i'm not waiting. i'm unconsciously planning. i let the little homunculi in my head work out all the details while i actively live my life. all this stuff is really just preparations for the Real Thing. of course, the Real Thing is really just an attunement. a getting closer. but i just said that.

in "reality," i can be sort of a jerk. this is because a while ago i began detaching the myriad minutiae of the interconnected web of social relations. it was actually accidental, but it happened. so now i am sometimes a jerk. this is no different than what i was saying before. no different from my head. it is basically chaos, and making decisions about where the puzzle pieces go, i.e. what to do with them. it very definitely leads to an indifference to connecting all the pieces. not really laziness, just not any sense of necessity/urgency. most people, when they get to know me, just see it as "me." how i am. not bad or good. but if you haven't gotten to know me too well, or you have ulterior motives or something, you may get upset and decide that i suck. this is what i mean about being a jerk. i need to exert more control over how i relate to others. i need to try not to be such a jerk. it's not intentional though.

and i lose out on this too. i don't see things as opportunity like others do. and so i miss out. i am still missing out. i don't know what i want. i convince myself of different things every day. i don't know where to draw the line between mere interplay and dependency. maybe it's all a matter of finding oneself first. being at peace. i felt at peace last night in a dream. it was amazing. i was home.