digital2112

I have been awake now for somewhere around 40+ hours and I don't feel tired at all and I am still functioning just fine. Was doing riddles in the car with coworkers on a business trip to Lawton and I was the one figuring them all out. This is not like me at all and it is not chemically induced at all. Haven't even had an unusual amount of coffee. Back when I did do heavy drugs like speed and coke I couldn't stay up for half this time without feeling tired. I don't know if I am excited or anxious or what but I don't like this. I know that I need sleep but I can't achieve it no matter what I do.

 I went to a bar with a friend from work tonight. He knows a lot of the people there, some of them since high school. They have karaoke on Thursdays and Saturdays. I went home to shower before going. I told him that if they have Limelight, a song by Rush, put me up for it because that is the only song I have karaoked. They have it plus around ten more Rush songs. I am a HUGE Rush fan. Have every album, studio and live, and know every note. I did it pretty well and people were singing WITH me and cheering me on. This place will keep me busy at least until the end of the year because of course I have to do all of those songs. One of them even defines what I aspire to be and in some ways I believe that I am already. 

Aside from the fun that I had, it seems like this is the place where I have the greatest chance of meeting someone with similar interests. The trick is to stay calm, cool, and collected. I think I have made great strides in that dept over the last few months. I hope that is not my imagination. 

You are a Social Liberal (66% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (35% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also : The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

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At work today, I was obligated to report two things that I did not want to report for two very different reasons. For the first one, I was basically verifying what other peoples' responsibilities were, reporting what happened and how it affected me and at least a dozen other people, and verifying exactly how I should have handled it at the time of the occurrence. It was about what was right ethically and had absolutely nothing to do with any of the people involved and my relationship to them. When I reported it, the first thing out of my mouth was that I was not trying to get anyone in trouble. I suspect that one of them knows I said something or at least intended to and got pissed off about it. In the other occurrence, it appeared that somebody completely abandoned their responsibility of helping someone. This is completely out of character for them so I was in a state of shock but suspected that it may have been caused by technical difficulties like the pc shutting down or something (involved instant messaging). While I was rectifying the situation, something happened that made it appear that I was being negligent. I reported it to cover my ass and, once again, it would be the ethical thing to do if the other person was shirking their responsibility. I even mentioned that it may have been caused by technical difficulties. Shortly after that, he came by my desk. The expression on his face then and when he returned the lighter suggests that he knew that I said something. 

On top of that, while I was on vacation and the day I came back, four people were removed from the special projects team that I and one other person head. One other person and I were given a warning about it. Boils down to people slacking. I was only given a warning because my boss knows that I am not actually slacking just the reporting tools make it appear that way. I am constantly bombarded by people walking up asking questions or instant messaging me. I have been told that I need to tell them to stop doing that and go through the proper channels to get assistance. I will not like doing that but will because it is better than getting in trouble. The other person that got warning is new to the team so I suspect he is being given a second chance. That person and one of the people that were removed were both bitching to me about it (venting not blaming). I am not sure about the one that was removed but the one who was given the warning was definitely slacking because I saw it. I did not report it because the effect was relatively small and I knew that it would be discovered without me reporting it.

My point is if you fuck up, whether out of slacking or making a mistake, and it is discovered then you should own up to it, learn from it, and move on. Don't get mad at the person who discovered it. Also, one of my very specific responsibilities is to report this kind of stuff. This is an even bigger responsibility in the positions that I am trying to attain. I will do that no matter who you are. I am not going to report every little bitty thing but I will if it has a wide effect or if not doing so may make it appear that I did something wrong. If you are going to take it personally, then I don't need you as a friend. If that makes me an asshole, then an asshole I shall be. 

I have spent my entire life trying to be as nice as I can be. I have done that because I thought it was the right thing to do and I truly did get enjoyment out of it. I have recently learned that, for all practical purposes, it has gotten me nowhere. Furthermore, I have sometimes been accused of having ulterior motives. Fuck it. If that is the result, it is time to look out for me. I have resisted taking this path for too many years. It is time to give in. A lot of people have been telling me this for a long time. I hope they are right. I believe that my true friends will understand and support me in this endeavor. If it is not the right path, my true friends will point it out and explain why. My supposed friends will just get pissed off. I think I already know who some of those people will be. 

Any insight will be appreciated. Who knows, maybe I will change my mind when I get up tomorrow.

I just found out that my grandmother died. She has been in a nursing home for years and has recently had many complications. Therefore, we knew it was coming. I have been trying to prepare myself for it but you really can't do that. I didn't expect it to hurt quite so much. 

She was a wonderful woman. She cared about everyone and I can't think of a time where she actually said something bad about someone (other than her husband, of course, and even that was rare). I keep thinking about the first lines of a song called Afterimage: "Suddenly, you were gone From all the lives you left your mark upon".

Her daughter, my aunt, has cancer. It has been going in and out of remission for years. She is now in hospice in TN. A week or two ago, she was thinking it was Xmas and the whole family was in trouble. Obviously, she won't make it to the funeral. I may be at hers anytime in the next few weeks or months.   

Returning the love:

Reply to this post, and I will list three things I love about you. Maybe more than three. Then repost to your own journal and spread the love. 

Well, I made it into Kat's pants a few weeks back. Somehow, I thought it would be more exciting. Like she said, though, that's the problem with expectations. Still, I have had more fun at work.