DreamChild

There's something wrong with the plumbing again, but this time it's apparently at the other end of the house - possibly the kitchen or laundry room. We can't use the plumbing on that side of the house for the next three days. Tuesday, they come to repair it. They're also going to have to come into my bathroom and cut through the wall to fix Mom's leaky bathtub faucet. Oh, and not long after they inspected the problem and left, our hot water sort of... went away... We still get warm water coming out of the faucets but it doesn't last long. I don't even know anymore. I hope they can fix all of this on Tuesday because it's a pain in the ass having to boil water in our electric kettles just to have some hot water to clean ourselves with. I manage it pretty easily with my shower because it doesn't take long but Mom only takes baths. We've had to use the faucet until it quickly runs out of warm water and then repeatedly pour water from our two little kettles AND a stock pot on the stove just so she can clean herself. We also have to use the kettles to heat up water to wash our dishes in the bathroom sink. 😭 I am certainly glad I bought those kettles, they come in handy.

I'm missing work because I have a respiratory infection and we're really struggling with money. When it rains, it pours! It's always something, I tell ya. Mom says we're lucky to not be renters and we have to hold onto this house, but it's hard when it's falling apart around us and the cost of living is rising anyway and the bills keep increasing. Sure, we don't have to deal with rent hikes or scummy landlords who refuse to fix problems, but we can't afford to fix the problems so we endure them or we pay out the ass and scrimp and scrounge and still end up further in debt. It's gnawing at us and stressing us out to watch the water damage stains on our ceiling spreading because we can't afford to have the roof replaced. Mom didn't have cell phone service for about a month (she had a lot of trouble with her previous provider and was sick of fighting with them every month - long story) and I finally put her on my plan and bought her a new phone. We hope to get in contact with a charity that may replace her roof for free. It'd be a godsend, but I'm afraid to be hopeful. I'm not used to getting that lucky.



In other news, I finally utilized my free telemedicine sessions allotted to me by my health insurance plan and was prescribed 40mg of Atomoxetine a day by a psychiatrist for ADHD. I've managed to take it on time every single day and I have my first monthly check-in with her next week. Truth be told, I'm not sure if it's making much of a difference yet because I've been so busy lately (Christmas season at work, setting up Valentine's and the outdoor/gardening section, frantically cleaning up my severe depression lair with my mother as we prepare for plumbers to come in and cut up my wall, and now being down sick during freak winter storms in my region). But I might be feeling a bit less depressed than usual. I was prepared for all sorts of troublesome side effects but I haven't really noticed any, except maybe that for about 30 minutes after I take it I'm a little burp-y. I was hoping to experience the "mind quieting" effect I've seen described online, but that hasn't happened. Maybe I need a higher dosage. They're unable to prescribe stimulants virtually and I'd really rather not go on stimulants anyway, so I hope there's still more options for me.

it's ironic that i'll complain about this, seeing as how i can barely bring myself to post in my own journal now, let alone respond to anyone else's, but... i'm sick of most social media not being a place where anyone can have authentic conversations anymore due to censorship and character limits. the most popular places for people my age are instagram and tiktok, and everyone on there apparently has to censor even the most harmless words (like "sex") with numbers, spaces, dashes, etc., and usually have to keep comments under a really short character limit. nobody can talk about anything serious or meaningful.

it is so insulting to our collective intelligence to have to write "s3x" and "grape" and "race ist" because we can't actually COMMUNICATE on these apps. the apps (and it's mostly that people are using it as an app, because who wants to use an actual website anymore i guess) (me, i do, i like websites. ugh!) are addictive dopamine dispensers that exist only to steal our information and sell us trash we don't want and certainly don't need. most people don't want to come to a place like this and blog again, or join groups to discuss things and share original work/ideas. i wish i could be optimistic, but i don't think this will change. the internet as i briefly knew it in my adolescence is over. i knew it was over when i started seeing all this buzz about "web 2.0" and i strongly disliked everything that was being held up as an example of how web 2.0 would look and function. i wish we could reset the entire internet back to around 2006, before the rise and influence of smartphones.

i have been considering switching over to a dumphone, but i'm really dependent on a ton of apps for banking, my work schedule, a security app to log into the web portal for my upcoming online classes, and several audiobook apps -- oh it's endless. but a friend has recommended i change my phone to greyscale, which makes it less stimulating and more unpleasant to use. i'm trying it out right now to see how well it works, but i can't promise that i won't go back to color for brief (yeah right) sessions of playing project makeover.

In both decades, populism gained new energy on both the right and the left - with charismatic outsiders gaining overnight constituencies. In both decades, partisan identity strengthened, the electorate polarized, and voting rates climbed. Where a decade earlier partisans had focused on winning the “culture war,” by the mid-1930s and mid-2010s their focus had grown more existential - winning decisive political power.

In both decades, marriages were postponed, birth rates fell, and the share of unrelated adults living together rose. In both decades, families grew closer and multigenerational living (of the sort memorialized in vintage Frank Capra movies) became commonplace. In both decades, young adults drove a decline in violent crime and a blanding of the popular culture - along with a growing public enthusiasm for group membership and group mobilization.

“Community” became a favorite word among the twenty-somethings of the 1930s, as it became again among the twenty-somethings of the 2010s. Other favorite words in both decades were “safety” and synonyms like “security” and “protection.” New Deal programs advertised all three, as have the costliest government initiatives in recent years. During the 2010s, firms began offering “feeling safe” as a benefit to their customers. “Stay safe” became a common farewell greeting. Political parties worldwide issued ever more slogans promising economic security and ever fewer promising economic growth. (Preceding the EU parliamentary elections in 2019, the universal motto of mainstream parties was “a Europe that protects.”) And in both decades, an ancient truth revealed itself: When people start taking on less risk as individuals, they start taking on more risk as groups.

Around the world, in both decades, authoritarian demagogy became a sweeping tide. The symbols and rhetoric of nationalism galvanized ever-larger crowds in real or sham support. (By 2017, governments in thirty nations were paying troll armies to sway public opinion online.) In both decades, intellectuals lent their support to grievance-based political movements based on religious, ethnic, or racial identity. Fascist language and symbols gained (or regained) popular traction in Europe - and, in Russia, Joseph Stalin gained (or regained) his reputation as national savior. In both decades, patriotism came to be equated with the settling of scores. Wolf Warrior 2, released in 2017, became the highest grossing film ever released in China largely by living up to its marketing tagline: “Anyone who offends China, wherever they are, must die.”

In both decades, meanwhile, economic globalism was in rapid retreat. Dozens of nations began or extended border walls. The grand alliances by which large democratic powers had earlier governed global affairs were weakening. Autocrats, their political model now gaining popular appeal, had widening room to maneuver. And maneuver they did, with terrifying impunity.

Above all during these decades, social priorities in America and much of the world seemed to shift in the same direction: from the individual to the group; from private rights to public results; from discovering ideals to championing them; from attacking institutions to founding them; from customizing down to scaling up; from salvation by faith to salvation by works; from conscience-driven dissenters to shame-driven crowds.

The Fourth Turning Is Here: What the Seasons of History Tell Us about How and When This Crisis Will End by Neil Howe, 2023



We can imagine patterns out of thin air if we really want to, so I'm skeptical, but the Strauss-Howe generational theory is certainly intriguing. This in combination with the books I've been reading that touch upon the cyclical nature of antisemitism have me quite shaken.

Recently, I got an angry comment on a post of mine in which I lamented the antisemitic furor disguising itself as concern for Gazan citizens. I scoffed at the user and blocked them. In hindsight, I feel I should have been more charitable with this person, but I'm low on patience in general and I don't want strangers dumping their pathos & misinformation on me while insulting me. My posts are public, and I understand that sometimes I may get a comment or two that I don't like, but for anyone reading this - if you come to me to insult me, I'll just block you. It's bad behavior to use others to blow off steam and lash out. Let's not give each other the opportunity to act like that.

Delete TikTok. Live your values, don't just state them.

i'm still sick, but certainly no longer feverish and bedridden. i have a persistent productive cough and sinus issues, but it's mostly kept under control by OTC cough medicine.

the new job is going as well as it can be! i always expect to be thrown out there and asked to work while barely trained, but i am learning more every day and even learned how to fill prescriptions this week. soon enough, i'll be doing the pharmacy tech computer training, and i'm so anxious to make my way through all that and get registered. i go into work very anxious and frankly dreading it, but by the end of the day i'm pretty satisfied. and everyone there is pretty nice. (well, there's one person who isn't always so nice but it's not really a problem and i'm used to people like that anyway.)

something that makes me really unhappy, though, is the state the pharmacy is in. we are struggling to keep up, and i think it's so irresponsible of the company to put the PHARMACY of all places in this situation. people are coming here for medicine, and we should be given enough hours and people to be functioning at our best at least most of the time (i understand that there will always be difficult days or call-outs) as well as enough time spent training new employees like myself. but this is retail, so it's no different from any other department. it just sucks and i don't think it's, like, ethical i guess. i mean, i personally want to feel secure that the place i'm getting medicine from is fully staffed and trained. well, there's nothing i can do about this other than trying my best.

articles i've read recently:
🔍 A History of Feminist Antisemitism by Kara Jesella
🔍 We Soviet Jews Lived Through State-Sponsored Anti-Zionism. We Know How It Is Weaponized. by Izabella Tabarovsky
---> thread for more from izabella

something to chew on, perhaps?

Mom came down with the flu a couple weeks ago. It was pretty bad. I think she had what I had earlier this year - one of my managers said I had a "death flu" that was going around. She's still coughing but has mostly recovered from that. I played nurse pretty well even though I was working too. I made soup in the slow cooker and she said it was a real lifesaver even though all she could take was a few teaspoons of broth once or twice a day. Then she was having serious trouble with her stomach as she recovered, maybe because the flu medicine - just about the only thing she was eating other than broth - was irritating her stomach ulcers that she has due to so many years of her starting her day with a packet of Goody's Powder in her glass of diet soda. I won't go into detail but it has me scared. She seems to be doing a little better now though. I can only hope for the best, because she won't see a doctor yet and last time she went for her gastro troubles, she had to go through a whole lot of discomfort for them only to tell her they can't find anything wrong and there's nothing they can do. Also, when we moved to the city we're in now, she thought the healthcare would be better here but so far she's not impressed.

( Job talk )

Other than that, very little going on in my life. I got my library card replaced and I've been having a ball using my newfound access to Libby, Hoopla, and Kanopy. I'm renting DVDs through the library instead of buying them so I can watch stuff with Mom. :)
We also went to the zoo last month and it was SO FUN. We can't wait to come back in May and see the botanical gardens in bloom.

Won't say much more because tensions are high and everything that can be said probably has been. But one thing I want to make clear is that regardless of one's politics or perceptions, we should be able to state without any conditions or caveats that rape, torture, murder, and desecration are WRONG. They are not tools or necessary evils of so-called decolonization. Terrorists are not freedom fighters.

(14 Warning Signs That You Are Living in a Society Without a Counterculture)

(The internet didn’t kill counterculture—you just won’t find it on Instagram)

Went on a slight nostalgia trip today, listening to 2000s emo/pop punk and watching videos parodying emo/scene kids and 2000s-2010s trends. I think it's so strange and funny how there was (maybe still is?) a really brief resurgence of emo and scene amongst gen z, and they would dress up to look just how my friends back in high school in 2007 looked. I don't know why they liked it - maybe it was just the novelty of it. They probably got bored of it pretty quick. I saw these "how to dress emoscene" videos or shorts on youtube from a year or two ago and the uploader would have a more recent comment or edit to the description clarifying that they were no longer emoscene. Hah.

I don't really know what the most vibrant subcultures are for gen z now. I know everyone's into "aesthetic" but what is the actual culture? It's like she says in the video, most of it is about the image. But surely a girl on TikTok in 2019 dressing as an "e-girl" might have a very different Spotify playlist than the girl making sapphic cottagecore aesthetic moodboards. They might watch different movies and anime. I don't know otherwise, I can only think of those subcultures in terms of how they look and what they consume. Is that all subculture can be anymore?

About the quote above from documentjournal - it reminds me of the documentary, HyperNormalisation. There is this despair... It seems that revolutions "don't work anymore." Counterculture is weak and ineffective, maybe almost nonexistent. Anything radical or revolutionary will only be folded into the dominant culture, repackaged, and sold for consumption. It's like... in the capitalocene age, they'll find a way to make a profit off anything.

Is counterculture really so feeble and infiltrated that it's ineffective, basically gone? Or is it just hidden from us thanks to the algorithm and dark patterns? Really makes me want to revisit the idea of going dumbphone again.

I've got this insecurity about talking to people when they're upset or they need to vent, because I don't know how to respond in a way that's actually pleasant or helpful. I'm afraid that whatever I say, they'll be thinking, "how dare you presume [this or that]?!" or "that's nice but useless to me" and I just feel so ashamed. I haven't had anyone respond to me that way since I was in high school but I dunno, I see people venting online sometimes about how unhelpful or obnoxious other people are when they try to talk about their feelings and problems, and I just think I must be the type to cause those problems. Sometimes my friend will tell me she feels low, and I ask what's up, and she tells me, so I say something that I hope will be comforting, and she doesn't respond. And I'm like, welp. I don't know what I should have said, but maybe not that. Everyone's needs and standards are so different. Some people want to be comforted, some people want advice, other people want to be treated as strong and stoic all the time and would experience advice or soothing words both as insulting and annoying... How am I supposed to know what they want?! Sometimes I want to be alone again because it's just too hard to deal with others and not be an idiot about it. At least I am in no danger when trapped alone in the cavernous echoes of my own twisted mind. 😭 Human relationships, though? BRUTALITY.

Well. Putting all that aside, I started reading The Serpent Gates duology. I loved book 1, but now I'm having trouble getting through book 2 (The Thousand Eyes). I really only like Csorwe and Shuthmili, and they're... not quite themselves (haha) at point in the book, and I'm having to sit through Tal POV chapters, which is not my idea of a good time... bleh. I don't mind timeskips one bit, but dude. I want my favorite gals back. I'm so picky. I say I want sapphic fantasy/scifi, but when I get it, all I do is nitpick. Well, nothing will ever be as good as my favorite sapphic (low) fantasy, When Women Were Warriors, so this is just how it's gonna be I guess.

Thinking about dropping The Thousand Eyes for a bit and picking up The Priory of the Orange Tree, but that one tragically does not appear to have any butches in it so what's the point, really. 🤭 (OhyesIdid!)

EDIT: WAIT WHY DO I HAVE A PAID ACCOUNT WITH NO MEMORY OR RECORD OF BUYING ONE HELP



i don't think i ever got any notification about it and i'm SO CONFUSED. did i buy it? did someone else?? HOW LONG HAVE I HAD A PAID ACCOUNT AND NOT KNOWN LOL as you can see i'm freaking out

if someone else gifted me this, and it was not bought by me in some dissociative fugue, i thank you kindly and i am deeply sorry for not thanking you until now because i had no idea! 😭😭

I left work early on Friday with a terrible woozy fever, and by that evening, oncoming sinus symptoms. My boss advised me to take elderberry syrup to get rid of the bug. I've never tried it, but I do eat the gummies a few times a week... Anyway, I took some twice that night, and once in the morning, and by Saturday afternoon I no longer had any fever or headache or sinus problems. The tragic thing is that it messed up my stomach pretty bad and it's still not doing so great. 😭

Not even Zicam worked as quickly as this stuff, but this miracle elixir came with a hefty price...

Unless the stomach trouble is just part of the illness I had or is a coincidence unrelated to the illness or the syrup. And I'm just pinning the blame on the magic potion. Ok, enough about elderberry syrup.

I binge-watched The Ultimatum: Queer Love and became absolutely fixated on videos psychoanalyzing the cast when I was finished. I can't stop thinking about it. It's probably the one and only "reality" show I've ever... enjoyed, for lack of a better word... But it's slowly hitting me how exploitative and unethical many of these shows are. Like, I'm beginning to almost feel offended about it. Unfortunately, if another wlw reality TV show dropped tomorrow I'd probably be RUNNING to my laptop to watch. 🙈 SMH.

While Koyaanisqatsi and Powaqqatsi examine modern life in industrial countries and the conflict between encroaching industrialization and traditional ways of life, using slow motion and time-lapse footage of cities and natural landscapes, about eighty percent of Naqoyqatsi uses archive footage and stock images manipulated and processed digitally on non-linear editing (non-sequential) workstations and intercut with specially-produced computer-generated imagery to demonstrate society's transition from a natural environment to a technology-based one. Reggio described the process as "virtual cinema".

According to Reggio, the film has no screenplay per se, but three movements (like those of a symphony) with different themes:
1. Numerica.com: Language and place gives way to numerical code and virtual reality.
2. Circus maximus: Competition, winning, records, fame, “fair play” and the love of money are elevated to the prime values of life. Life becomes a game.
3. Rocketship twentieth century: A world that language can no longer describe. The resulting explosive tempo of technology is war and civilized violence.

I've had some trouble concentrating on all three of these films. I watch bits of them now and then, in fits and starts. It's not how I want to have images and concepts communicated to me, and I don't care for the music. Still, I found the intentions of Naqoyqatsi in particular very compelling... What with the recent advancements in AI art, ChatGPT, deepfakes, etc. I truly can't imagine what the future looks like anymore. I wonder if this is how previous generations felt. Are we going to disappear? Will the world "we" built keep going, machines telling stories and performing functions by and for long-gone people? I want to let them have at it and go underground somewhere to get away.


from interview: Alison Bechdel Works Out Her Issues

🧿👁️🧿 Two documentaries I often think about 🧿👁️🧿
👁️‍🗨️ Dreamworlds 3 (2007): the latest in Sut Jhally's critically acclaimed Dreamworlds series, takes a clarifying look at the warped world of music video. Ranging across hundreds of images and stories from scores of music videos, Jhally uncovers a dangerous industry preoccupation with reactionary ideals of femininity and masculinity, and shows how these ideals have glamorized a deeply sexist worldview in the face of the women's movement and the fight for women's rights. Watch on Kanopy (through your public library card, meh quality) | Watch on YouTube (much worse quality)
👁️‍🗨️ HyperNormalisation (2016): We live in a time of great uncertainty and confusion. Events keep happening that seem inexplicable and out of control. Donald Trump, Brexit, the War in Syria, the endless migrant crisis, random bomb attacks. And those who are supposed to be in power are paralysed - they have no idea what to do.This film is the epic story of how we got to this strange place. It explains not only why these chaotic events are happening - but also why we, and our politicians, cannot understand them. Watch on YouTube