Testing Testing Testing

Here we are in Costa Rica!  I am just putting a few pics up to see if I remember how to blog. This used to be such an awesome outlet for me to journal. I don’t think anyone reads blogs anymore which is probably a good thing. I never want to lose my blog.  I really need to figure out how to print all of my entries. So, this is just a little test run.

 

 

November 5, 2015

Today has been a busy one. The kids all got up and we're happy this morning for school. Kash and Paizly hopped on the bus at 6:53am. It was COLD! The mornings are consistently getting colder and colder finally. I feel so sad putting the kids on the bus when it's chilly. They say that it's ok. I still feel bad. When I got home from the bus stop I woke Claira Joe and Derick. Derick always gets up so easily. Once he's been waken, he does not go back to sleep. CJ on the other hand, it takes several times to get her out of bed. She is a deep sleeper and does not wake easily. She is usually pleasant in the mornings. All the kids really are. Once I knew they were awake, I hopped in the shower. When I got out, I could hear Claira Joe tending to Lou. It was so sweet. The kids all take really sweet care of her. They are all mindful of her and pretty much cater to her every need. It makes my heart so happy to see. 

The day went on, I had a Dr. Appt. then I strolled around a furniture store for a bit, waiting for Erick to get to town so we could have lunch together. I love his company. He is my best friend. No one else I would rather spend my time with  than him.  The boys are at Blayne's Birthday party. Claira Joe is at tutoring and Paiz  and Lou are in bed. It's been a good day. 

It's Been a Minute!

Well...I'm ashamed that I have let my blog go the way I have. I used to be so good and faithful. I have now downloaded the app on my phone. I am going to strive to be better at blogging daily as more of a journal. I don't think anyone really looks at this thing anymore. That's ok with me. It's going to serve more as a journal than anything from here on out. Here's to being a better me, staring with journaling/blogging. 

Good Bye, My Sweet Womb...

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It's been 3 weeks and one day since I had to say this good bye. I remember laying there with an IV in my hand speaking with my two surgeons. Nurses were scurrying all around me. Weaving in and out between, Erick, my Mom and Dad and Roland. They were all so chipper (the nurses) one even said to me, " oh man if I were you, I would have held a, Yank the Ute Party before coming in." I laughed a little but what I really wanted to do was cry. This "Ute" was the starting place for five beautiful babies. It held them for 40 weeks until it was time for me to hold them in my arms.  I could never throw a party for losing something that really is a treasure inside my body. We knew we were done having children. My body told us that when I was pregnant with Lyndee. However, I would be lying if I didn't in my heart hope for, just one more. So this day was not a silly one for me. Not at all. I am thankful that I had fought my fear with faith. I knew I would come out ok.  That was no longer my concern.  When the anesthesiologist came in, that's when I began to cry. She assured me she would take care of me. I just kept crying. I was sad. I knew, this was it. There was no turning back. I was just sad. 

  Upon waking up, I felt so groggy but, not too groggy to feel the intense pain. The nurses were so sweet and kept telling me to push my pain button. I would push it and then wake up, I'm not sure how much later in extreme pain again. They would again remind me to push my button. They told me I could push it every 8 minutes and the  Morphine would automatically inject through my IV. Erick took over from there. He never let 9 minutes go by for 24 hours. He is SO good to me. I could not have asked for a better companion. He cared for me and catered to my EVERY need. The Dr. Came in the next day and removed my bandages. This is what we saw. 

 GROSS, I know. I was VERY swollen and bruised and wrinkly from all the bandaging. This is only part of the incision. It stretches a mere 14 inches. And it felt as bad as it looked. I kept my magical morphine button for two and a half days. As good as it was for pain, I was so confused the whole time I was on it. They would ask me questions and I remember not knowing how to answer them. My speech was slurred and sloppy  and as hard as I tried, I could not give a straight answer to the nurses and Dr's. 

   I stayed in the hospital for 5 days. It was good to go home. Emotionally, at this point I was fine. I had not cried since Pre op.  I honestly don't remember much about the first two weeks. Other than pain, pain and more pain. I have since had just a few emotional moments. I find myself crying over silly things on TV or on FB. I don't think it has REALLY sunk in yet. That it is gone. I find myself wondering what is there? What does my anatomy look like now? How do things work on the inside now, now that the center of my womanhood is gone?  So, as you can see. I'm still confused. I'm still sad. I'm still just not really sure how I feel about this whole thing. 

  I am thankful that I am healing. Swiftly at that. I'm thankful for everyone that has helped me and supported me and cared for me and my family. We are truly blessed and grateful. 

  So here I am 3 weeks and 1 day later. 

From the outside everything is healing quite nicely. Now, I just have to work on the inside...

Lets Go Back to the Beginning...

So here is a random Blog Post that has a little bit of a back story...

When I was a young little 12 year old girl...something happened to me.  That thing that I learned about in the 5th grade class from the nurse.  That thing that my Mom really had not told me too much about. Not to her fault.  I guess we just didn't think it would happen.  Anyways, what accompanied this change was, EXTREME pain and discomfort.  This went on for a few years.  We went to the Dr. several times and tried SEVERAL different approaches to ease this pain.  When I was in the 10th grade, under the guidance of my Dr.  We decided that it would be best if we did a laproscopic procedure to see if I had Endometriosis.  If I did, the Dr. would then "clean it all out" and I should be good.  The surgery went great. There was in fact, a LOT of Endomerial Tissue to be found.  She got me all cleaned out and I went on my way.  It helped quite a bit.  For about a year and a half then, the pain came back and it came with a vengance this time.  The pain was just awful.  Again, we tried different methods to ease the discomfort I was experiencing.  I am pretty sure I was on every. single. birth control that ever existed.  That was not fun!  Anyways, in 2000 we decided to have the procedure again.
     Everything was set to go.  At the time I was working at Southwest Student Services as an Origination Officer for Student Loans.  I LOVED my job.  Mostly, because of the people I worked with.  We were really good friends.  The day of my surgery, I went to work half day because I only had a set amount of sick days and didn't want to waste a single one.  That morning,  I had a bad feeling about the surgery.  I could not pin point it but, it was not good.  I went to work and I remember telling a co worker Franklee (frank) about my feelings.  I told him that I thought I was going to die.  I even went as far as to tell my dept, goodbye.  Like a real goodbye.  Not an, I'll see you when I get back one.  They all thought I was being my crazy anxiety ridden self and sent me off.  My Mom picked me up at my apartment and we headed to the hospital.  I made her stop and let me get my eyebrows waxed first because, I didn't want to be laying there with nappy eyebrows!  I was also pretty upset that they were going to have to remove my piercing in my belly button! I LOVED that thing!
     I told my Mom about my fear.  She assured me that I would be ok and that I was just freaking myself and everyone else out.  I knew I was not.
     The next part of this story is not mine...It is what I have been told.  My parents kissed me and sent me off.  I do remember crying and the nurse being so sweet and wiping my tears and telling me not to cry crocodile tears.  That all would be alright and I would be awake before I knew it.  As my parents waited in the family waiting room time was going by.  Since we had done this before they knew about how long it should last.  That time passed.  Still no word from the Dr.  Hours passed, nothing.  They knew something was not right.  At that moment, a nurse came in and told them that something had gone wrong but, that I was now breathing on my own and that Dr. K would be out to talk to them when they had the bleeding under control.  Again, the time passed for my parents...slower than they ever remember it passing.  My Mom looked up to see Dr. K walk in and direct my them to a private room to speak.  She then proceeded to tell my parents that in all her years of pratice, she had never hurt a patient and today she hurt their daughter.  She had lacerated my Venacava.  Which is the vein that is equivelant to the Aorta.  One pumps the blood into the heart, one pumps it out.  She had to cut me open from above my belly button to past my pelvic bone.  She didn't know what happened right away and this was the only way to find out.  She proceeded to hold the vein with her own hands as they airevaced the best Vascular Surgeon from another hospital in the Valley.  He could have drove but, there was not enough time.  I would not survive.  He came and, repaired the vein.  She told them that never in her life had she seen so much blood.  That she was scared.  Only time would tell the outcome of this story.
     Now back to my part...I was in the ICU for a week.  I had lost so much blood, over 1/3 of all that I had.  I was in a coma like state.  I can remember the Dr's coming in and talking to me and asking me to do things like, squeeze their finger.  I would, then I would hear him say, "no response"  It was so strange...Not scary at all, just strange.  I can remember hearing my Mom's crys.  Feeling my Dad's strong hand rest on my forehead.  I could hear him and my Mom cry together and talk about the what if's.  I remember my Brother C.C. coming in to see me and he could not stay long.  It was too much for him.  He said I looked like I was already dead.  He said I was gray and flat.  Then to top all of this off...I started my period...More blood loss.  Blood transfusions ensued.
    So obviously...I lived! Everything turned out just fine.  I was given a blessing by My Dad and a friend of his.  I KNOW it served it's purpose.  Things started turning around after that.  It was a VERY long recovery but, I recovered and that is all that mattered.  We did find out though, that the endometriosis was very bad. It was EVERYWHERE.  It was a mess.  My Dr. told me I probably would never be able to conceive a child and that IF I did, that I was very lucky.  She also told me that if I did have children that as SOON as I was done, I would need a hystorectomy.  So she was obviously wrong about part of that!  I was blessed to give birth to my first child in 2002, then my second in 2004, my third in 2005, my fourth in 2007 and my FIFTH in 2011!  EVERYONE a MIRACLE!
    So where does this story go now?  Well...as you might have guessed, about 8 months ago the pain returned.  It is interesting to know that from the time I became pregnant with Derick, I have not suffered from this pain until now. Anyways, I went in for a routine Pap. My Dr. called me and said that the results were abnormal and they had sent them for further testing.  Those test results came back positive for Cervical Cancer.  I needed to come in for a biopsy.  Also,  my IUD was found to be lodged/imbedded in the side of my uterus.  He said it would probably need to be removed surgically.  We went in for the Biopsy and while he did that, he was able to remove the IUD as well.  OUCH!!! We ANXIOUSLY awaited the results.  Something about being told you may have cancer really messes with your head.  Thankfully, the results came back in my favor.  However, there is enough questionable cells and precancerous cells that He is concerned.  I would need to come back every 3-6 months for testing.  Then we had to discuss how we could manage the endometrial pain that I am in.  After a lot of appt's with my Dr as well as with an OBGYN that specializes in cancer in women only it has been decided that I will be having a complete abdominal hystorectomy on May 6th.  They will be cutting me from one hip to the other.  They are doing this to allow for them to see everything.  To remove ANYTHING they don't like the look of.  I will be in the hospital for probably a week then home to recover for 6-8 weeks after that.
   How do I feel about this?  I am not really ready to go into all of that at this point.  I know this is the right thing as does Erick.  Knowing it is right and being totally ok with are two different things.  At least for me they are.  The biggest thing for me, is I am scared.  REALLY scared.  EVERYTHING is different now.  I have a husband and 5 babies that I am responsible for. I know the risks, they frighten me.  I also know that I cannot live a good quality life with the pain that I am dealing with now.  Not to mention, the risk of cancer.
   So there it is.  That is the update. I have only told very few people all of this at this point.  Only because it is not really something that just comes up in conversation.  Not because it is a big secret.  So...this story is far from over but this is where it is for now.

also, I am not proof reading this right now, so please forgive any grammer errors as well as punctuation errors.

Going Back

Well....I am sure some of you saw this coming.  To be honest, I did not.  Tomorrow morning, Kash and Claira Joe will be joining Derick back at Pathway!  They are very excited.  Claira is sleeping FULLY dressed, shoes and socks included.  My heart is heavy and my eyes are full of tears as I think of what is to come in the morning.  I have LOVED having them home with me every day.  It has TRUTHFULLY made our lives so much easier, calmer, just all around BETTER.  Which is EXACTLY the reason I started doing Homeschool.  So why on earth am I sending them back you ask?  UGH...I don't have a real clear answer on that myself.  They just did benchmark testing and they all 3 did great.  However, I find myself doubting my ability to teach them all that they need to know despite the results of the testing.  Socially, they are doing great.  Emotionally, they are doing better than they ever have.  Especially our Kashie Boy.  I am feeling like I am just not doing enough.  All HS Advisors keep telling me that I am doing a great job and that this is totally normal to feel this way.  Even their teachers have told me that they feel this way sometimes.  That's another thing...their teachers...all 3 of the kids LOVE their teachers and miss them dearly. They constantly talk about them and wonder what they are doing.  They want to visit them as often as possible.  It was hard for me to compare to these great teachers.  (in my mind anyways)  So tomorrow morning, it is back to the grind.  I am not looking forward to it.  I am not looking forward to the rush of it all again.  I am NOT looking forward to the homework and projects BUT, like HS, I will do it.  I will do it because it is what is right for RIGHT NOW for us.  I honestly do not think we have seen the last of our Homeschool Days.  I LOVED it and the kids LOVED it.  I don't like them feeling torn.  I told them all that if they wanted to do HS again next year we will go for it.  Kash and Claira Joe say they want too, Derick is undecided.  We will see.  Thanks to everyone that has been a support to me.  That has given me a shout of confidence.  That has send me an email of encouragment.  I appreciate all of those gestures MORE than you know.  SO, tomorrow I will cry again, just like I do on the first day of school every single year.  I will probably mope around all day long and watch the clock in anticipation for them to come home.  NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG...I will for sure enjoy the quiet in the house too but I will miss them.  I will miss them terribly.  And once again...I will PRAY that I am making the right decision for our kiddos and our family.  Time will tell...It always does.

What a Guy...

Our little Derick who is not so little anymore. According to him, he is now a "pre-teen." Having him home these past couple months has been so wonderful. He is such a good boy. He is SUCH a big help to me with the other kids. We have fun together. I love talking with him about horses and lizards and dogs and pretty much any living creature that exists. His goodness is immeasurable. So last week when I started feeling like he should be back at Pathway, I could not help but want to just be selfish and keep him home with me. I'm not sure why I started feeling this way. Things are going great with HS. All the kids really enjoy it. We briefly entertained the thought last Friday about going back to Pathway and Derick was leaning towards going back. Yesterday, I decided to ask him what he would if choose if the choice were his alone. He was not sure. So we made a pro/con list. There were more pros for HS and no cons for HS and only 1 con for Pathway. He still felt like he wanted to go back. So I asked him to go and pray about it and spend some time alone to ponder on his thoughts. E did. Later in the afternoon, we talked again and decided he would go back. My heart is happy for him and totally broken for me. I enjoy him, I will miss him. I am a wreck! I am thankful that I really like Pathway and that he has a great teacher that is excited to have him back. Derick got right up this morning and got ready. He was so excited, he barely said good bye I me this morning. He did say, "thank you."So here I sit, eyes full of tears waiting to spill over. Praying once again, that I am doing right by my boy. By all my children. The only constant in this crazy life of mine is change. So on to another new adventure. I miss you my Bubba Love!!