Good News.....

Week 6

The week we found out that I am pregnant was one of the most emotional weeks for me. This was the same week that I was girls camp director for our ward and also the same week of my grandfather's funeral. I literally felt every emotion a person can feel throughout this week from hatred to depression to sheer joy. It was an amazing feeling seeing my grandpa pass away while at the same time realizing that I am bringing new life into this world. I know that baby Gooby(his name while in the womb) is surrounded by so many people in heaven who love him. Brian and I could not be happier. This is going to be the biggest life changer I have ever experienced but I'm ready. Bring it on.

Week 13

Not much of a belly yet but he's in there. This is baby Gooby, mommy's, and daddy's first trip to Wendover.....definitely not a place we plan to ever visit again. I don't understand how anyone can sit in front of a slot machine for hours on end loosing money. It really isn't that exciting. We took the fun bus down, which was pretty lame, gambled about $3 away, and had a pretty good buffet. Gooby didn't care for it much either. Starting around week 7 I started getting nauseous. No throwing up which is a plus just the feeling of hating everything food related. I never thought this was possible for someone who loves food so much but apparently that doesn't matter when it comes to getting knocked up.

Week 14

For one as impatient as I am I refused to wait until week 20 to find out that what I knew to be a little boy in my belly was in fact a boy. Thankfully there is such a thing as Fetal Studios. We went there and what did the European doctor tell us? It's A Boy! I was getting slightly frustrated because literally everyone around me was telling me that it was going to be a girl. My entire life I have known that I would be having a boy first and I only started to doubt this the week before finding out what it was. In my mind I started thinking that maybe it was a girl. I've always wanted a boy first so that my other children will have a big brother. Having grown up with 5 big brothers myself it's only natural. Next month when we go to our "actual" ultra sound we shall see if they come up with the same results. I guess you never really know until it comes out, and even then there's a chance that it will be a hermaphrodite. 

Baby Names

Brian and I do not agree on boy names....at all. I like long beautiful names that cannot be shortened and he prefers short single syllable names. About a year and a half ago we found a boy name that we both actually Love, Desmond. We got this name from the amazing television show Lost, and it's sort of stuck. Now that we are actually in need of a boy name I took it upon myself to find the meaning of the name Desmond. 

Desmond: A man from South Munster

What??!!! Are you kidding me? I was not happy when finding this out because I always wanted my babies to have meaningful names. Then I figured, as long as his middle name is amazing it'll be fine. So we come up with Desmond James Kissell. Such a beautiful and distinguished name. 

James: Supplanter

Desmond James: A man from South Munster who Supplants

 

Well that's just perfect! (Please emphasize the sarcasm) First off, how lame is that name? Second off, what in the world is a supplanter, ha ha ha ha. Well.....Supplanter: one who wrongfully or illegally seizes and holds the place of another. We are basically amazing baby name pickers. At least our girls will have names that mean something awesome. Sorry big brother, good luck holding up that family tree.

holy cow!

So wow! A whole lot of wonderful things have happened since I last wrote. I think about writing all of the time but haven't really had the time. I guess I have all the time in the world now since I am no longer planning a wedding and still a jobless bum. First things first:

I'M MARRIED!!! Holy Cow, seriously I am so excited about this. We have been married since the 11th so for about three weeks now and I'm still so in love with even just the idea of being married. I love my boy so much and couldn't have made a better decision. He treats me better than anyone in the world ever has and I couldn't be luckier or happier(in the words of Glinda). Our wedding day was absolutely perfect and amazing. I'm really glad we decided to have the reception a week later. That day was stress free and truly perfect in every way imaginable. I was so emotional during the sealing because I knew it was where we were suppose to be, out sealer was wonderful and I just felt the spirit so strongly. The next six days was our amazing honeymoon. Brian planned it all out and he couldn't have done a better job. We went on a road trip to Vegas and California. We saw Wicked(for my fourth and favorite time), we saw a magic/comedian show, and my favorite part was going to Catalina Island, this place is magical and beyond beautiful. We got back from our relaxing vacation and then had a party(reception). The reception was beautiful, there was great food, the best people came which made me so happy. One thing that did, and still, bothers me is that not many of my friends came from Logan. I feel selfish that this has been bothering but I also can't seem to let it go. You just feel so close to so many people and then none of them show up or even take the time to send you a message saying congrats or anything, is this rude of me to think? Probably, but I still think it. All of my wonderful family was there though, well most of them. But seriously, every single person who did come I will never forget and I appreciate and love them even more than I did before which I didn't think was even possible. I really do have the most wonderful family and I have some really great friends who will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you guys, I love you!

So after all of that wonderfulness came our new baby. I have been brain washing Brian into thinking he wants a kitten for months now. We decided to wait until after we were married though....so two weeks later we got our selves a baby boy! At least we think he's a boy. We were told he is....but I can't tell. So let's hope it's true. Either way his name is Sheldon and he is adorable. A little snot at times but we're working on that. I've already started working with him on tricks such as come, sit, shake, wave....he'll get there one day. Brian took him out on his leash for the first time yesterday and I think he actually likes it. At first he just rolled onto his back and wouldn't move, this was hilarious, but then once he was outside he loved it. My cat-dog is definitely in the works!

I guess that's really all the exciting news I have for now. But I also don't think I could handle any more excitement. So now it's time I find a job so I can stop being bored out of my mind and not have to feel like the poorest person in town. Having no money kind of stinks, lol. Good thing I have my sugar daddy. :) j-k.

Until next time...I'm thinking my next blog will be on anti-depressants. Do they work, or are they just a figment of our imagination??

I'm here to blog.

I'm once again here to blog for the mere fact that I'm depressed about life. Why else would I be blogging. I guess this is my way of venting my frustrations. So...I basically don't know what to do. And the things I don't know what to do about just keep adding up. I have no idea when I will be getting married. Either this December as I have been hoping for. If not then then it will have to be after spring semester. Life kind of sucks. I hate being patient and I've had to be for the last six months. I am not ok with having to be patient. I am not ok with a lot right now but some things I can't write because you never know one person might decide to actually read this crap someday. I've very sad right now. I don't know if my sealing cancellation will happen in time. I don't know how to make certain things alright in my mind. I feel vulnerable and afraid. Am I making a mistake? Then to top it all off I look out the window at the beautiful weather and see the ugly trees changing color. Why can't they stay green, why can't the weather stay this perfect temperature forever. I hate the cold. I hate that I'm getting married in the worst month to get married in. I hate that I can't seem to control my emotions and that I am always complaining. I don't enjoy this at all. I hate that my thoughts can't all be happy ones. I hate that I really have no friends. I hate that the one friend I do have I don't even want to talk to.  I hate hate.

I went to a fireside last night. It was Michael Ballam and he spoke to the Relief Society in my Stake. It was such a good fireside. He talked about seeking out the virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy, good report, things in life. I felt so uplifted after that and now here I sit letting satan pull me down as he does so well. Why do I allow him to fill me with such hatred. To fill me with the most awful feelings possible. Why is it so hard for me to turn to my Heavenly Father when I need him the most. When I'm confused and frustrated, scared and alone.

Ok I'm done typing. I'm tired and just want to go home now so that's what I'm going to do.
The End.

as high as a kite or stuck in a rut

Throughout my life I seem to go through phases that continually repeat themselves. I'm either as high as a kite, loving every moment of life, so happy all of the time and wanting to share this happiness with the world(which is where I have been the past few months). Or....I'm stuck, no more like lodged, in a rut. I'm not meaning the mammalian reproduction version of "rut", but more so as a depression or groove worn into a road or path. I let myself feel down for absolutely no reason. Instead of thinking about the amazing things in my life I let my mind dwell on the not-so-great.

...I have a very crappy job...true. School is starting up again in less than a month and I'm once again having to take out a loan to pay for it...sad but very true. I have to ask permission to do basically anything...depressingly true. I've stopped trying to comprehend my scripture reading and am just going through the motions of getting my reading done and I've also been skipping out on institute and other church activities so I feel friendless...pathetically true... 

There is no one to blame for any of this but myself. I let myself become lame and lazy. Only I am capable of fixing this by getting off my butt and doing something about it. Let's start with the positive in my life. I could very easily be out of Logan finally and living in Michigan but there's one reason basically that has kept me from doing so. Of course it all comes down to a boy. Not just any boy either. This boy treats me better than anyone has ever treated me before. He makes me laugh, he brings me flowers, he tells me I'm beautiful. When I'm with him nothing else even matters. I have a crappy job but he makes me forget that. I'm kind of dreading school starting but he makes me excited to go and learn. He is just amazing, I really don't know what to do with this boy whose made me completely fall for him, and way too fast might I add. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I'm tired of making decisions for myself, lol.

So once again it seems I'm all happy and giddy just thinking about this boy. Boys are so dumb, why are they constantly having to make us so miserably happy. Ok, I'm done writing for now. What have I accomplished with this blog....I don't know, lol!!! :)

patience, fear. supposing. sucks.

The fear isn't going away. I guess I'm not helping with that though since I haven't been doing anything to help myself get over the fear. A big part of that is my patience or lack thereof. I still do not care to be patient with this. I've never had to be patient in this sense before and it sucks! I don't see the purpose in it which sounds really bad. I don't understand why I was brought to this point. To this place where it can only go down from here. I should be at a place where I only see things getting better and more wonderful ,but I don't. Things wont get better, I've seen this all along yet continued going the direction I was going because it felt right. How can something that feels so right only be for temporary happiness. I am so tired of feeling like this every single week. The only word I can think of that describes this is Sucky. I don't even care for that word but it's all that comes to mind. I keep supposing that things will go horribly wrong because I can't imagine things going any different. I just want to stop, to take a break and not even think about my life and where it's headed. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I want to fall into a deep sleep, wake up in a year and have things perfectly in place. My life isn't moving anywhere, it's stuck in the same day to day pattern, never moving, never growing. Going to the same worthless job. Feeling the same worthless feelings Wondering when, if ever, this will all change. I'm complaining my life away. One thing I don't understand is how I can pass for 19...even 17, lol....yet I am constantly stressing and having crap going on. Shouldn't I have a lot of wrinkles and look 30 or something? lol. I hope it doesn't all decide to catch up to me someday. I don't mind looking(acting) like a 19-year-old. Ok, I'm done complaining for now, you can tell this is one of my four awful days of the week. Sorry.

Isn't he just so freaking cute?

love yourself

I initially wanted to blog about how annoyed I am with people criticizing their bodies. I've seen it a lot in the past week and I can't stand it mostly because these people are so gorgeous and don't realize it. I use to have really low self esteem and hate the way I looked but I no longer do. I figure there's too many things to worry about it this world why should that be one of them. We all just need to love ourselves for who we are and see the beauty God sees in us. With that said I've come to realize that I have been complaining way too much the last few weeks. I've been focusing on a lot of negative things that have really been bringing me down and probably the people around me as well. My life really is so wonderful I don't know why I'm constantly complaining. It's mostly been about two things, the 30th ward lol, and well....something else. That 30th Ward!!! I don't know why I let them  bother me so much, I can't expect every ward to be as cool as the 4th ward, ha ha ha!! Just Kidding! They're great.... besides it's the 4th wards month to take over finally, thank heavens. K, so now I'm working on not complaining so much on top of the over coming letting fear run my life. That's been a lot harder then I thought it would be. It's good though, I'm working on it.

Could someone please tell me how to be ok when I know that the future is going to suck???