I'm here to blog.

I'm once again here to blog for the mere fact that I'm depressed about life. Why else would I be blogging. I guess this is my way of venting my frustrations. So...I basically don't know what to do. And the things I don't know what to do about just keep adding up. I have no idea when I will be getting married. Either this December as I have been hoping for. If not then then it will have to be after spring semester. Life kind of sucks. I hate being patient and I've had to be for the last six months. I am not ok with having to be patient. I am not ok with a lot right now but some things I can't write because you never know one person might decide to actually read this crap someday. I've very sad right now. I don't know if my sealing cancellation will happen in time. I don't know how to make certain things alright in my mind. I feel vulnerable and afraid. Am I making a mistake? Then to top it all off I look out the window at the beautiful weather and see the ugly trees changing color. Why can't they stay green, why can't the weather stay this perfect temperature forever. I hate the cold. I hate that I'm getting married in the worst month to get married in. I hate that I can't seem to control my emotions and that I am always complaining. I don't enjoy this at all. I hate that my thoughts can't all be happy ones. I hate that I really have no friends. I hate that the one friend I do have I don't even want to talk to.  I hate hate.

I went to a fireside last night. It was Michael Ballam and he spoke to the Relief Society in my Stake. It was such a good fireside. He talked about seeking out the virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy, good report, things in life. I felt so uplifted after that and now here I sit letting satan pull me down as he does so well. Why do I allow him to fill me with such hatred. To fill me with the most awful feelings possible. Why is it so hard for me to turn to my Heavenly Father when I need him the most. When I'm confused and frustrated, scared and alone.

Ok I'm done typing. I'm tired and just want to go home now so that's what I'm going to do.
The End.

as high as a kite or stuck in a rut

Throughout my life I seem to go through phases that continually repeat themselves. I'm either as high as a kite, loving every moment of life, so happy all of the time and wanting to share this happiness with the world(which is where I have been the past few months). Or....I'm stuck, no more like lodged, in a rut. I'm not meaning the mammalian reproduction version of "rut", but more so as a depression or groove worn into a road or path. I let myself feel down for absolutely no reason. Instead of thinking about the amazing things in my life I let my mind dwell on the not-so-great.

...I have a very crappy job...true. School is starting up again in less than a month and I'm once again having to take out a loan to pay for it...sad but very true. I have to ask permission to do basically anything...depressingly true. I've stopped trying to comprehend my scripture reading and am just going through the motions of getting my reading done and I've also been skipping out on institute and other church activities so I feel friendless...pathetically true... 

There is no one to blame for any of this but myself. I let myself become lame and lazy. Only I am capable of fixing this by getting off my butt and doing something about it. Let's start with the positive in my life. I could very easily be out of Logan finally and living in Michigan but there's one reason basically that has kept me from doing so. Of course it all comes down to a boy. Not just any boy either. This boy treats me better than anyone has ever treated me before. He makes me laugh, he brings me flowers, he tells me I'm beautiful. When I'm with him nothing else even matters. I have a crappy job but he makes me forget that. I'm kind of dreading school starting but he makes me excited to go and learn. He is just amazing, I really don't know what to do with this boy whose made me completely fall for him, and way too fast might I add. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I'm tired of making decisions for myself, lol.

So once again it seems I'm all happy and giddy just thinking about this boy. Boys are so dumb, why are they constantly having to make us so miserably happy. Ok, I'm done writing for now. What have I accomplished with this blog....I don't know, lol!!! :)

patience, fear. supposing. sucks.

The fear isn't going away. I guess I'm not helping with that though since I haven't been doing anything to help myself get over the fear. A big part of that is my patience or lack thereof. I still do not care to be patient with this. I've never had to be patient in this sense before and it sucks! I don't see the purpose in it which sounds really bad. I don't understand why I was brought to this point. To this place where it can only go down from here. I should be at a place where I only see things getting better and more wonderful ,but I don't. Things wont get better, I've seen this all along yet continued going the direction I was going because it felt right. How can something that feels so right only be for temporary happiness. I am so tired of feeling like this every single week. The only word I can think of that describes this is Sucky. I don't even care for that word but it's all that comes to mind. I keep supposing that things will go horribly wrong because I can't imagine things going any different. I just want to stop, to take a break and not even think about my life and where it's headed. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I want to fall into a deep sleep, wake up in a year and have things perfectly in place. My life isn't moving anywhere, it's stuck in the same day to day pattern, never moving, never growing. Going to the same worthless job. Feeling the same worthless feelings Wondering when, if ever, this will all change. I'm complaining my life away. One thing I don't understand is how I can pass for 19...even 17, lol....yet I am constantly stressing and having crap going on. Shouldn't I have a lot of wrinkles and look 30 or something? lol. I hope it doesn't all decide to catch up to me someday. I don't mind looking(acting) like a 19-year-old. Ok, I'm done complaining for now, you can tell this is one of my four awful days of the week. Sorry.

Isn't he just so freaking cute?

love yourself

I initially wanted to blog about how annoyed I am with people criticizing their bodies. I've seen it a lot in the past week and I can't stand it mostly because these people are so gorgeous and don't realize it. I use to have really low self esteem and hate the way I looked but I no longer do. I figure there's too many things to worry about it this world why should that be one of them. We all just need to love ourselves for who we are and see the beauty God sees in us. With that said I've come to realize that I have been complaining way too much the last few weeks. I've been focusing on a lot of negative things that have really been bringing me down and probably the people around me as well. My life really is so wonderful I don't know why I'm constantly complaining. It's mostly been about two things, the 30th ward lol, and well....something else. That 30th Ward!!! I don't know why I let them  bother me so much, I can't expect every ward to be as cool as the 4th ward, ha ha ha!! Just Kidding! They're great.... besides it's the 4th wards month to take over finally, thank heavens. K, so now I'm working on not complaining so much on top of the over coming letting fear run my life. That's been a lot harder then I thought it would be. It's good though, I'm working on it.

Could someone please tell me how to be ok when I know that the future is going to suck???

I found a list of new years resolutions that I made January 24, 2008. This was nearly two and a half years ago and it makes me laugh to read over it. I wrote these with such a strong desire to do them but not actually believing that I could. I have now accomplished all of these and it makes me really sad to think about where I was at in my life two and a half years ago. I was so depressed and felt stuck. I honestly believed that the rest of my life would be like that. I am so happy to have found that wasn't true.

I now love making new friends. I can communicate better than ever before. I am in school and know what I want out of life. I have good friends and family in my life who do not bring me down. I am HAPPY. I lost weight(just because I went off of birth control though, lol).

The resolutions I made:
1. I will be more outgoing, not be afraid to meet new people, not be afraid to communicate and tell people what I really am thinking, not be afraid to be me!



2. I will accomplish something big, weather it be getting back into school, learning something new or just figuring out what I'm going to do with my life.


3. I will be strong, you will not pull me down any longer. 'You' being people who have made me hurt, cry or feel bad. I've spent too much of my life feeling bad, and I'm done. If you want to be a crappy person, then by all means do it on your own time becaue I am too busy to be burdened with you. And if you push me down, I will get up and push you down even harder.


4. I will be happy! I use to be such a happy person and I miss that. I may seem happy on the outside, but it's just a show. I will be happy on the inside as well from now on. I will also surround myself with happy people, so happy people, let's be happy together!


5. I will loose 5 pounds and get in shape on my own terms.

The one who makes me laugh

The last week has brought on a lot of new changes. I finally got a new job after searching since January, though I'm definitely still on the job hunt. I doubt I will make it through the week without flushing a phone down the toilet or karate chopping my ears off. I also managed to talk this boy into being my boyfriend. How I was able to do that I will never know because he is simply Amazing. He truly is the dorkiest person I know, which is why I like him so much. When I'm with him I literally cannot stop laughing. He has such a great outlook on life and is so fun to be around. I could go on about what I like about him but I wont. There's about a million things I like about this boy and only one thing I don't. He lives an hour and a half away. I always swore I would never do the long distance thing yet here I am doing it. I even debated giving up something that makes me so happy over an hour and a half drive. It sounds ridiculous when put that way and well it is just that, ridiculous. Once that realization hit me I decided that what I want more than anything else is to just be happy. Brian makes me happy so therefore not being with him would be stupid on my part. I really have no idea what is going to happen with Brian but I hope for good things. That is all the exciting news I have for now. p.s. I may never post another blog again because I will most likely have stabbed my eyes out at work tomorrow. I'm literally dreading it.

excitement fills the air

Over the last few weeks I have had a mixture of feelings towards my life and where I was going with it. I have been mostly worried and scared. I have a hard time choosing what I want in life because I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice and having to wonder what would have happened if I only... In this precise moment(hence my blogging at midnight) I do not feel afraid. I know what I want, with certain things, more than I have known so fully in such a long time. I am not worried, I am excited, I am happy, I am so thrilled that I can't keep it to myself. I'm about to make a decision that could possibly (and hopefully) change my life a great deal. For once I am not afraid that this could be a poor decision that could just end up hurting me in the future. I don't care about fear anymore. I just want to be happy and this makes me so happy that I'm going for it. I'm about to jump in blindly because I know that my Heavenly Father will guide me through this. So life get ready because this is happening. 

Fear Has No Place Here

Fear, something we are faced with everyday. Fear is not something that comes from God so why do we so often let it takeover our lives.

I am constantly worrying and fearing about life, things that are to come, and things that have already happened. If I had enough faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in our Heavenly Father I wouldn't have such fears.

“If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). As I interpret this in my own life, with where I amcurrently at, it's telling me that if I am preparing myself, keeping the commandments and doing what's right to the best of my ability then I have no reason to fear about such inconsequential things. I run around living my life in fear rather than in faith.

I have no reason to fear the little things that I do. I have a new goal to strengthen my faith. The more my faith grows the more the fears will go away.

I also am going to start making up my own mind. I am very impressionable, if someone tells me their opinion on something I start to believe it as being my own. I hate making decisions, especially the bigs ones that will impact my life, but I'm going to start making them. I know where I want my life to go, I know the direction and path I should be on. As long as I stick to that path my decisions will come easily. 

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

Favorite Feelings

My Absolute Favorite Feelings


That first moment when your head hits the pillow and you know you've made it through another day.


Feeling the spirit burn within you


Being Twitterpated


having a full stomach, not overly full of course


getting hyper with your friends


taking a walk on a sunny day


holding a new born baby


being content
warning the following is very sappy, read at your own risk...
relationship firsts - the first time you hold hands - the first time you have a tickle fight just so you can get closer to each other - that first time when the world pauses, he gives you that "I'm going to kiss you" look, and then he leans in and kisses you - the first time you look deep into each others eyes and know what you're feeling but you're too afraid to say it - the first time you actually say it - and so on....


when your roller coaster reaches the top of the tracks, right before it goes down, that feeling you get when you wonder what you've gotten yourself into


playing with baby animals


when your belly tickles while you're swinging


HUGS!! Especially those really good ones!

learning is fun! :o

10 things I've learned while on my Eastern Excursion

1. The most important thing that I've come to learn is that I absolutely love alone time, time to myself to just think, read, take a long bath, or listen to music. I've always hated being alone for any amount of time. I think this trip has been very good for that sole reason. To teach me that I can enjoy being on my own.

2. An ox is a male calf that has been castrated, I always thought it was its own species. Crazy!

3. If I don't die from cancer it will for sure be from Gregg's driving.

4. My best friends are all guys. I have girls who are friends, but none that are among my best friends. This makes me sad because guys are not fun to talk to about other guys.

5. There are some things I can stop and should stop worrying so much about. 

6. Wormwood will never get it right. He should just come to the light side because he would do a much better job there. 

7. My mind wont stop running. I haven't had a good nights sleep this entire trip. Also I can't sit down and read just one book, I've been reading four different books and listening to another one on tape. I'll read a chapter of one and want to move onto the next. You really can't finish a book with this technique.

8. I'm a very selfish person. I don't like Michigan nearly enough this time around because I have to share my mother. We never have a chance to just talk and be together. :(

9. Edward has turned into a wus and I can't stand it. No cat of mine is a wus who hides under the bed all day. I disown him....ok I would never do that, he's a gorgeous cat and so loveable. He makes me feel loved.

10. some things that have been reconfirmed; I love bubble baths, I've taken at least one everyday. I love trees, give me trees over mountains anyday. I hate driving. And I have the worlds greatestest friends who have actually missed my company...or so they say. I guess I will come back after all. :)

it's all up to you

Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present....It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time--for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays. Hence the encouragement we have given to all those schemes of thought such as Creative Evolution, Scientific Humanism, or Communism, which fix men's affections on the Future, on the very core of temporality. Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead.

-C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

We are constantly trying to better ourselves to become more Christlike. We will never be perfect here on earth, all we can do is strive for that perfection. All that is expected of us is to work towards bettering ourselves. I am so far from being perfect as is so blatantly seen. I never seem to learn from my mistakes, I continue to make them over and over again. My good friend Brian let me borrow his Screwtape Letters book which really makes you think about the way you are living your own life. Are we letting demons control our actions, thoughts, moods? Anyways, very interesting book, read it.

The above excerpt taken from The Screwtape Letters is my next plan of attack. I've realized that I hold a great deal of happiness in the future. If I don't have something "fun" to look forward to I feel really down. I feel lame and lonely. I have a hard time enjoying the here and now. I take for granted what I have at the moment compared to what I wish I had. I have the worlds greatest friends who freaking rap in the kitchen with me, who send me pirate books and teach me karate, who pick me up on my birthday when I'm feeling super depressed and take me to see the ducks....doing their thing. How could I really desire more when I already have so much. And why do I feel so loney all of the time?

In CES firesides they are constantly telling us girls that not all of us will end up married. This is a huge fear of mine. I can't imagine having to be alone and not do the one and only thing I've always wanted, be a mother. I'm having the hardest time realizing that it's just not my time. I'm being incredibly impatient and it frustrates me. I know that things will happen when they are meant to and I also know that being afraid of my future isn't healthy. My Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be scared, he wants me to embrace what I do have and love every moment.

On October 7, 2009 I wrote myself a note in my cell phone that said:

I need to stop dwelling on the past and wishing for the future. I am apart of the here and now and need to start living it.

This is my continued goal, to love every little seemingly small thing. Right now I love this time to myself to blog and do absolutely nothing. To listen to this music I don't know very well but is actually really good. To laugh everytime this cat jumps up and types nonsense for me. To look out the window at the beautiful trees and sky. To be in freaking Michigan! I love it here! I love this moment, this feeling of not having any worries even though I should. Life is good, and YOU are Amazing!

Ten Reasons Why Michigan is a Magical Place....

1. My Mother

          She's not only my mother but my best friend as well. Cheesey I know but very true. You all know I'm the biggest mama's girl. She moved to Michigan nearly seven years ago and I haven't been too fond of that idea. Luckily enough I have a large family who keep popping babies out so she comes back to Logan pretty often. I just love her.

2. TREES

I have this secret obsession with trees. I think they are so beautiful and Michigan is filled with them! This picture is not of Michigan trees, this is of the sacred grove but I love this piture too much to not add it.

3. Edward and Jacob

When I went out to Michigan in October of 2008 I was going through the hardest thing I've ever experienced. My mother and Gregg picked me up from the airport and had two little kittens they had just picked up as well. This was all Gregg's idea because he knew it would make me so happy. Sadly enough Jacob didn't make it through the next week. :( We think he was too young to leave his mother. Now I'm back in Michigan and Edward is about ten times bigger than he was in this picture, he's also a complete wus which does not make me very happy. What happened to the little kitty who would run at me, leap, and attach himself to my leg. It was painful but too cute to get him to stop.

4. The People and the next door neighbors

I have met so many amazing people out here in Michigan; Sarah and Louis, Nancy W., Nancy T., Karen, Ariel... and yes even the cows next door. It's strange how much I really love my mothers house because it's out in the country and I kind of hate the country. But I LOVE it here!

5. church sites - as well as some not so churchy sites

Nauvoo, Palmyra, Kirkland, Macinaw Island, Carthage Jail, The Sacred Grove, Cedar Point....
Of all the places we have had the joys of seeing my absolute favorite would have to be the sacred grove. What an amazing place where the spirit is so strong. It is so beautiful and peaceful, I could have stayed there all day.

6. morning fruit smoothies

My mother pretty much loves me and makes me daily fruit smoothies every morning that are DELICIOUS!!

7. Cities; Chelsey, Hell, Frankenmuth,

Chelsey is a small town about fifteen minutes from my mothers house that just so happens to be my favorite town in Michigan. You really would have to see it to realize its greatness, I should take pictures. This town is home to the Jiffy factory as well as Jeff Daniels. Then....there's Hell. A very small and quaint town that really does freeze over every year. It's kind of a fun place to visit. I disagree with the popular country song that says, "If you're going through hell keep on going." I say spend some time there. Take some pictures, eat some ice cream.

8. Books on tape

I spent the entire month of October in Michigan in 2008 which was a much needed break. My mother and I did absolutely nothing yet so many things all at the same time. We quilted, scrapbooked, watched movies, read so many books. My favorite of all the things we did however was listening to books on tape. We listened to three of the four books in the Uglies series. Now let me just tell you how lame these books truly are, but when listening to them with my mother they were just about the funniest things I have ever heard. I mean come on, Talliwa is so amazing! lol.

9. creatures; fireflies, prehistoric birds, frogs, racoons

My first time ever seeing fireflies was in Michigan and it really is magical. All of these lighted creatures flying around you. Cupping them in your hands and seeing how they glow, amazing! Also there are these cranes that seriously look like they lived when the dinosaurs lived, kind of creepy but so cool.

10. slimey water

It sounds really odd but I absolutely love my mothers slimey water. She has well water so they have to put a lot of water softener in it which is what makes it slimey. Sure you don't want to drink it because it tastes beyond awful, brushing your teeth kind of sucks. But when you shower to take a bath it makes you super smooth. Therefore the reason why I like it. You don't even need shaving cream to shave your legs. It's great.

Ups and Downs!

I find it strange that I only write when I'm not in the greatest of moods. What's that all about? I have so many things to be happy about and so much good in my life yet I tend to focus so much on the negative. Such as at this moment I am currently in. What do I really have to be upset about...that I got layed off and currently feel like an unaccomplished loser...that my classes utterly suck and I do not see how I will make it through the next few months...that there is a blizzard outside and I'm stuck in the library doing homework that makes no sense to me when I should be snuggled up to my MIA boyfriend sipping hot cocoa...that said MIA boyfriend and I have been having a very rough past few weeks but the thought of life without him makes me literally break down...

Yeah, that's pretty pathetic. Now for the good in my life that should ultimately outwieght and overcome these negative thoughts...I still have the most wonderful family in the entire world who love me and I love them so freaking much...I have wonderful health...I have this boyfriend who treats me so well and I can feel how much he truly loves me...I just moved in with Kevin and Tiffany and absolutely love it...I have the craziest, coolest, most loving mother...I have a car that runs...I have this darling pink laptop on which I can do my lame homework...I have a bed to keep me warm, good food to keep me full, and am smart enough to even be in school...I can laugh about the most negative things no matter how mad or upset I am about them...I absolutely love my ward, I get so excited to go to church..DANCING, my love!! I'm not great but I'm capable and that's enough.

So yeah I have a pretty great life, so really Erin get over yourself!

P.S. does anyone have any advice for me on how to get over jealously???  not joking.

rOctober

Wow!! I completely forgot I had a blog. I have been so neglectful, not cool Erin. So a few new items of business since my last depressing blog, sorry about that. Anyways, here's what's new...

Refer to above picture so see how rOctober began.

Your eyes are not deceiving you, yes it seems Jaxon and I are back together. For those of you who do not know of Jaxon, we dated back in the spring and into the summer. We started dating again the beginning of October and are now 'official' as of Sacrament meeting on Sunday, lol. Things are going so well with us, we are both extremely happy and loving every moment we are together. Mushy I know, that's how it always has been with him. Ya gotta love it.

I am back to hosting my annual Halloween Parties!
We had a big party at Kevin and Tiffany's house Saturday and it was so much fun, it was a very packed house!

This was yet another post I never published...November 4th

My Goals...

this is an old post that was written September 9th and never published. So far the only one of these I have accomplished is buying a modest swimming suit. How lame does that make me feel? Really lame! Oh well, they are good goals to have and I will keep with them.
Learn how to cook

Read my Scriptures daily

Pray more often

Visit the Temple at least once a month

Buy a modest swimming suit

Learn to speak Espanol

Make one new friend a month

Get my very first 4.0