can i trust that you'll keep me a secret?

It's been a while since I had gone outside at night simply to enjoy it.
When I was a little boy I was outside a lot.
My oldest sister helped me realize last week that I didn't know about anything that happened.
She was talking about how she always faught with our parents.
I don't remember any of it.
I'd always be outside in the woods trying to create my perfect world.
Ironic, isn't it, that I never completed my perfect world. It was overgrown and forgotten.
I went through there when it was still spring. I've grown so much.
Much is how I had left it years ago, only I'm far too big. 6' 1". 215lbs.
I eventually got into the internet and have been cursed ever since.
Several winters ago is when I remember my first encounters with 'depression'.
I'd spend countless hours outside after dark walking around in the freezing Michigan winter.
I remember why I always went outside now. I kept track in my mind too.
Everyday my mother would yell at me for something. Didn't matter. Anything. Something.
I hated her for it.
I guess a lot was going on in my family back then.
I really don't feel like getting into that shit. I might someday to a girlfriend or something.
It's becoming a hurtful pain. Longing for someone to fucking hold.
Someone's forehead to kiss. Someone to fall asleep next to.
Anything.
I'm starting to feel like much of my old self again. I'm happy for me.
I was thinking about it tonight, about why I really enjoyed the nighttime.

No one is there to judge me. They cannot see me.

Err,, I'm getting kind of dizzy. I feel like my world is spinning.
I suppose this entry really has no purpose. I just feel like rambling.

I was trying to imagine what would happen if my family ever found this journal.
I was wondering what would happen if I told them about it.
My family is much like school. No one knows anything about me.

I'm figuring I'll lose the few people who do read my journal.
Now that I've started this new fad of making my entries lengthy.
People hate reading.

Somewhere along the way things got messed up for me.
I still use a security blanket. No one knows that about me. Now you do.
I gave 'him' up for a couple of years. Then I lost the stability again.

I wonder if a girl will ever be able to be ...capable of me.
I know compared to some my life has been so damn easy.
But heaven help me, I feel so fucked up emotionally.

I don't really care what you're thinking.
You might think I'm trying to get you to feel sorry for me.
Well, whatever, I'm just saying what I'm thinking. You don't have to read it.

Tonight I was out sitting in my car, trying to be true to myself.
This whole Candy thing. I really don't know what to feel anymore.
I think she's a complex girl, a lot of stuff to unlock.
I get a feeling of comfort almost when I think about her.
That's probably just because I want so bad to connect to someone though.
::sigh::

I used to talk and cry to my pets.
I've long since given that up. Now I simply cry to myself.
Cry into the night.

"When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." The Goo Goo Dolls [ Iris ]

I'm sick of this hiding I do, and yet, I never want to be seen. [except maybe by.. her ]