I was doing so well.

I have not gained a pound since March. I've lost 23 lbs since March 18th. 

I am not okay.
I am not thin.

I was so happy, because I'd been taking pictures and comparing them, and seeing such a difference. But I STILL see no difference when I look in the mirror. Not even the slightest. In fact, if I hadn't been taking measurements, weighing myself and taking pictures, I would have thought I'd gained weight. 

So now, I guess, back to counting calories. Back to counting the number of water bottles I drink, the green tea I drink, the diet pills I take. Back to weighing myself first thing in the morning every morning.

It's so much harder now that our foodstamps were cut. I can't afford lean cuisines or fresh vegetables, not even from the farmer's market. I'm exercising like crazy every day. I just did 50 sit-ups and an hour of DDR. I'm going to do more later. I am STILL not seeing a difference.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I am NOT okay with this. I don't know why it's getting so bad. I need to be less. I want to lose 30 lbs by August. Is that even realistic? 

I was getting so happy, because I can feel my hipbones when I lie down. I am reassured by the fact that there are bones, somewhere, beneath the fat.

I guess it's a plateau, but not really. It's not like I kept counting calories, logging everything, blogging every single day on my weight loss blog. I need to do that again.

I don't care who tells me I'm not fat. I don't care who tells me that I look fine the way I am. I do not look fine. I saw myself in a full-length mirror today for the first time in I don't even know how long and I felt like throwing up. I felt sick to my stomach.

The only way I'm going to be okay is if I lose weight. I need to lose the rest of this. I just feel like crying and never doing anything again. My head hurts and there is no food in my house.

I miss this place~ I miss text blogging. I only photoblog on Tumblr (my username there is nekophiliac). I figured LJ is the place for me to return since my animu and mango obsession is stronger than ever! I just figured out how to listen to Vocaloid, watch anime and exercise at the same time and I couldn't be happier. I'm getting in shape for Otakon 2011, even if it kills me! I'm going to do my dream cosplay of Kaname Madoka no matter what. I can't wait! I'm gonna get around to updating my userinfo and then I'll work on some real entries and possibly finding some more people to befriend on here! (And I'll type up a new intro post~)

does anybody feel like recommending me some kind of asian drama or maybe a new movie/tv show/book to become obsessed with so i can write fanfictions and be a fangirl?

note: i like tragedy and high slash/femslash potential.

:D

i fucking love glee. who is with me?

so, eljay. i'm back. it's not set in stone. i've changed a lot and i want to take advantage of this site mostly for its communities because i love them a lot. i've been all over the place lately, so i'm not even sure i'll be updating often. i'm hoping for a change of heart.

( I HAD A HORRIBLE DREAM. -FLAILS-Collapse )

i'm like.. terrified right now.
ONE THING IS TAUGHT ME IS TO NEVER TAKE ACID. I SWEAR IT HAS TO BE LIKE THIS IRL. at least a bad trip does. >>

SETO
KAIBA
IS
A
FUCKING
SEX
GOD.

JESUS CHRIST, I MISS THAT MAN.

<33 

seriously.
I MUST HAVE BAD KARMA.
that has to be what it is.
KARRRRMMMAAAAAA.

that therapy appt. i so desperately needed?
the lady was all ZOMGGGG U COME BACK NXT WEEKKKKK 
LIKE WTF. I MADE THIS FREAKING APPT. IN JUNE.
AND THEY'RE LIKE UHHH YOU'RE SCHEDULED NEXT WEEK.
FUCK YOUUUU. u____u

i'm an angry person.
i am also at oskar's.
i woke up at like 10 'cause once i'm woken up once, falling asleep again is only a distant memory.
and everyone else is asleep. <<;

i started watching Soul Eater last night and it's so zomg smex.
i recommend it to everyone~

i really have nothing else to say.
i am quite the boring person.

-insert bitter rant about how love and happiness does not exist-

i think i'm going to attempt to comment my flist.
-puts on helmet-
wish me luck...

so, i finally have a new layout.
once again, nothing much has been happening.
i go to a therapy tomorrow, and then i'm probably going over oskar's.
i haven't done ONE summery thing yet this summer.
i'm hidden away in my room like a hermit. -.-

i am the most inconsistant person i know. -huff-
i'm going to look for howl's moving castle in ebook form.
and put it in my new ebook~! :D
(which isn't in fact new, but Steve gave me his old one. which is better than anything i could afford. XD)

-goes to look-

i found ittt.
but like.
i don't have a cable to connect the ebook to my pc.
/fail

mmm.
everyone should go listen to "a dangerous man" by foxy shazam. :D