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[Jan. 25th, 2008|10:47 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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I am NOT okay. This is the first time in my life I have purposely gotten drunk because I was so upset. (And, fuck that, only the second time in my life I have ever gotten drunk.)
I don't know how to make this better. I don't want to be me anymore. I'm pretty sure I don't want to BE, at all. I want to go away.
I'm sorry.
Happy birthday, Mark. I forgot to call you yesterday. I'm sorry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|06:01 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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Went to the dentist today. As I've said, I've been going to quite a few dentist appointments for the stupid broken tooth.
Today I went for something called a crown lengthening procedure. Basically, they cut flaps into my gums, then drilled into the bone underneath, removing bone to make space. Then they sewed me back up.
They numbed me up before the procedure, so I hardly felt a thing while I was there. But then the anesthetic wore off. Now I am in excruciating pain. I took ibuprofen and it's not doing anything for me, so now I'm just lying in bed feeling queasy from pain, instead of showing and doing all the things I need to do, like washing the dishes and cleaning my apartment because Rick is staying here tomorrow night.
And Isaiah, with his fucking job, is not home.
If anyone is around and bored, please come talk to me online? I really, really need distractions right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2008|08:36 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
I feel like my mind is coming apart at the seams. I think I'm slipping fast, and I can't afford to fall.
I really need a friend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|06:45 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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| [ | mood |
| | frustrated with myself | ] |
Anyone around to talk tonight? Talking would feel nice. |
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| (Pathetic?) Request |
[Dec. 18th, 2007|08:00 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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| [ | mood |
| |  rejected | ] |
I feel so thoroughly rejected these days that I don't remember what it feels like to honestly feel liked.
So I'm asking: please reach out to me. I'm tired of feeling rejected. I don't want to call or send messages that don't get answered, even if it's just because no one is home. I don't want to ask people to make plans anymore only to have other people be too busy, or just uninterested in seeing me. Send me an e-mail, or an IM? Ask me to hang out, if you're in the area? I have James Taylor in my mind, now. "Don't let me be lonely tonight." |
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| Sweeney Todd! |
[Dec. 13th, 2007|07:14 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
It's finally going to open!
I definitely still really want to see it. Some time during break is my plan. Who wants to go with me?
(Okay, that wasn't the most exciting way to get your attention, but I'm exhausted beyond words. Can the amazingness of Sondheim + Tim Burton + Johnny Depp + Helena Bonham Carter + Alan Rickman be enough?) |
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| Chores advice? |
[Dec. 6th, 2007|08:15 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
For those of you, in particular (not that anyone else is excluded from responding!), who have lived with a significant other:
How do you get someone to do a chore when nothing is working? On certain chores, Isaiah and I take turns. Washing dishes is one of them. We both hate doing dishes and can be bad about letting them pile up, so eventually, one of us will suck it up and wash all of them. Then it becomes the next person's turn.
WARNING: this is about to get kind of gross.
Our anniversary was on November 12th. Isaiah made me a beautiful dinner, and promised that he would wash all the dishes, because it was my anniversary gift. It also happened to be his turn. Right? Okay. Only, he never washed them. And more dishes have been added to the sink. Occasionally, one or two dishes at a time get washed in order to be used, but the bulk of them have simply stayed there. It has been nearly a month. I said we both let dishes pile up, but I have never, ever let dishes sit for that long. If you're feeling completely repulsed right now, well, so am I.
And I've tried everything:
--Asking politely
--Reminding him that it was my anniversary gift and his turn
--Making jokes that actually involved humor
--Asking with frustration
--More reminders
--Making jokes that didn't really pretend to mask irritation
--Getting angry
--Guilt trips (but not severe ones)
--Getting polite again
--Reminding him that we're supposed to be a team and have to share household duties
Bear in mind also that, although Isaiah is very busy and works hard, he doesn't leave for work until 2 p.m. on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and stays home until 6 p.m. on Thursday and Friday. Up until this past week, he didn't have to leave at all on Thursday and Friday.
I have refused point-blank, and made it very clear to him that I was doing so, that I was not under any circumstances going to wash the dishes. I joked for a while that I was going to buy myself paper plates and plastic cutlery to use, which he will not be allowed to share. I am not going to teach him that he can avoid this until I'll do it for him; I will not become my mother. Trying to stay neat and/or organized is hard enough for me and I'm not very good about it yet. I'm not going to add taking care of someone else into the mix.
But I'm disgusted. And angry. Because, yes, he's loving and supportive and totally trustworthy as a partner. But as a roommate, he's proving himself unreliable and not living up to his promises.
Are you grossed out yet? So am I. I will be scrubbing the sink with bleach and buying new sponges. But I'm not going to wash those fucking dishes.
So what do I do? |
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| Cookies! |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|07:24 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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So, I need to bake cookies. Like, lots of cookies. I have a recipe now, and most of the ingredients, and NO USABLE OVEN (at least not in my apartment). I was going to bake at work this week, in our life skills center, but now we're changing a crap-load of things in the classroom and I'm just not going to have time.
Does anyone who lives here in NYC want to volunteer a kitchen for me to use?** I'm reeealllly good at making cookies. They're for work, but I'd make an extra batch for you.
*wheedle, tempt*
In other news, I love this the holiday/birthday time of year because it means SO MANY NEW BOOKS! I have 5 brand new ones waiting for me, plus 3 new DVDs and an amazingly shiny book about puberty for people with autism that I bought for myself.
Also, I woke up today feeling horrified at my own obliviousness.
So... cookies?
**EDIT: This weekend, I meant to specify. |
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| Musings to search for an anchor? thaw? context? |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|04:03 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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| [ | Current Location |
| | not trying to be dramatic | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Indigo Girls | ] |
It has been a very long time since I've sat down to simply write a journal entry, to play with my thoughts or beautiful words, or any words at all. I have mostly felt, in some combination, cold, flat, sad, frustrated, lonely, in the past few months. I don't mean to imply that I have not had any good feelings in that time, but they don't seem to have been memorable. To be fair, much of what I have felt has not been memorable; certainly nothing to make me come running to the computer to commit things to text. I'm not sure, really, whether this has been due to a lack of feeling experiences, or just a lack of motivation to find the words. But in my experience, that motivation is usually a part of the way I experience things.
I don't know if this makes sense so far. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and words, and I don't think that I can unify them enough to write something cohesive. I won't know until I start typing whether I'll even want to try. |
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| Cookies! |
[Dec. 1st, 2007|05:21 pm]
An Explorer Named Jessa
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So, I'm going to be baking cookies for people at work. There are more recipes on the internet than I could possibly imagine sorting through, so I figured I'd start by asking for suggestions here, since so many of my friends like to cook/bake/etc. I was planning to play around with oatmeal, chocolate chips, and some cinnamon, but since I haven't purchased any ingredients yet I'm totally open to other kinds of cookies, too.
Anyone have any favorite recipes? |
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