I've made the jump.

Ok I've made the jump. I'm moving my blog onto Wordpress. I'm hoping it will make it easier for me to post sensitive things and have more control over who reads it.
New blog info is just failedgenetics.wordpress.com so hope on over. Hopefully I can bust out an entry before I pass out. Unlikely. But possible. This girl is tiiiiiiiired.

Transferring

I think I'm going to transfer my blog to word press. :-/ I'd like to have a little more control over each post as I just remembered certain individuals have access to this blog and I'm not up for letting them by privy to every detail I choose to post about.. If anyone has any tips on how to transfer it all that'd be great. Haha.

Tight lipped

Dang. It's been a minute. Or longer since I've posted. Oops. Things have been boring yet wild. Contradictory eh?
I wish I had more that I could update on here. Had I kept some anonymity with this blog it might be different. I've got stories to tell and things to say but not here. I'm not ready just yet. My head hasn't fully stopped spinning and it stills seems unreal.
I'm still not a mom so don't worry, you didn't miss that update. There isn't a babe in my arms keeping me from typing up a storm. Not yet anyway. My marriage is still intact. I'd actually dare to say its thriving. Never been better. :)
Hope all is well with everyone and that the holidays were kind to you. May this new year bring you peace, happiness and all your hearts desires.
Much love.

~Maren


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Coping

Skydiving to help maintain sanity. Father in laws 50th bday event. :)


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Stagnant

That's how life feels these days. Stagnant. It's weird. I've attempted to blog but I keep coming up blank. There are stories to be told but I don't know if I can talk openly about them. It sucks but here goes some super vague info... We were chosen. She is AWESOME. She chose to parent. We still love and support her and hope to continue to as she parents her precious baby. Shortly after we were chosen again. A week later things fell to pieces. The relationship we were building with her came crumbling down as trust was lost and lies were told. We're now back to waiting. I'm tired of waiting. If you tell me 'it'll happen' or something to that effect I may very well bitch slap you. It's getting very old hearing the same old well meaning phrases. :( Today I started looking into other agencies and Parent. Profiles. While they'd both bring more expenses it seems like it's time to pursue more options. Or wait forever. LTL is getting antsy. Or so it seems. He checks out profile view count a lot. Like I used to. It breaks my heart. It's been hard to be on FB. And Twit.ter. Hell it's been hard to read blogs. While I'm so happy for those that have been able to bring home their 'little' it's hard to not be jealous and feel like it's never going to happen for us. I'm not really sure where I fit in the IF blogging world anymore. We're not pursuing IF treatment, we're not parenting, we haven't adopted, no more surgeries, etc etc.

I didn't even realize

On the 16th of March marked our 2 year anniversary from the azoo diagnosis. How crazy is that? We've survived this much. We can handle anything. :)

I've been meaning to post an update on all that's happened. I'll get to it. I promise. Things have just been kind of crazy. (No, unfortunately we don't have our baby..YET. We're hoping it happens soon.) I have a post saved on my phone and need to edit it a smidge then it'll make it's appearance.

Hope all is well with everyone. I'll get back to posting/commenting soonish, I hope.

Quote

'Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever.'

DIETER F. UCHTDORF



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Much needed update

Where do I start?!?!

Welp, as of November 30th our profile went live. We are officially an approved and waiting couple!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm in the process of ordering pass along cards and we hope our wait will be as short as possible. I seriously can't wait to be a mom. It still feels like it's just out of reach. I know LTL will make a wonderful dad. Just watching him with our nieces and nephews brings a giant smile to my face. He's amazing. I can't help but think that this might be the last Christmas that we are a family of two (four if you count our fur babies). So as we wait we're going to do our best to get involved with the local Families Supporting Adoption chapter. In fact this week there is a Birth Mother and Expectant Mother Christmas party and we're going to go help out. I just wish I had ordered our pass along cards sooner! I'm hoping there will be lots more of these to help out with.

Then I turned 30! Honestly I've been dreading turning 30 for a while now. I've happy to report I don't hate 30. There's something strangely nice about it. My 20s are gone and while they brought me some of the best times of my life I'm excited to move forward and make the best of my 30s.

On my birthday LTL had class so he left before I woke up and our pups allowed me sleep in until about 8 which was fabulous. Then my brother called from overseas. He's deployed with the Ar.my and I don't get to talk to his as much as I'd like and emailing isn't an option right now. Anywho, it made my morning even better! Then I walked out into the kitchen and LTL had left flowers on the table. He's amazing I tell you. AMAZING. He had the sweetest card for me which made me cry (which happens a lot since surgery, haha) When he got home he had a couple movies for me that I wanted and some MINT chocolate candies with a hard shell. Ya know m.&.m.s hehe. I love them and had been searching for some. Then off we went to SLC, SOMEONE lost her military i.d. and needed to get a new one. (I felt like such an idiot) Then out to lunch at one of my favorite places. The Do.do. It has one of the BEST turkey sandwiches with a great BBQ dipping sauce. Luckily it was Two for Tuesday on desserts. We got a delicious Sour Apple pie and their infamous Toll.House pie. YUM! After, shopping! I needed some new work clothes and got a great new pair of boots. I've been looking for motorc.ycle boots but couldn't pass up a cute pair of heeled boots. I'm still on the search for the perfect motorc.ycle boots so if you know of any cute yet kick ass ones let me know?

Physically I seem to be healed from my surgery. I'm still trying to manage the hot flashes which is rough. I'm also having issues with sleep which I really think is related. The timing fits. Emotionally I'm still getting to where I need and want to be. I have my woe is me moments but they're not as often as they used to be. :)

Sorry, this is all I've got for now. Haha. But it's better than nothing! Hope all is well with everyone!


*HUGS*

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Time is passing rather quickly. In January it will be one year since we began the adoption process. School, military training and a couple surgeries pushed it all back. So at the beginning of my favorite season ever we started back up full steam ahead into our attempt to become........... Paper pregnant. (a cheesy ass way to say a couple is now in the waiting period and have passed all necessary formalities). Now we're not paper pregnant just yet but we hope to be very very soon and when that happens we'll also be 'live' with our profile.
To say I'm a little emotional doesn't even hit the tip of this giant emotion iceberg.
Yup. I took am.bien. I should add the anxiety has made it downright impossible to sleep well.
I've got so much more to write/type but I can only correct the same word 3 times before I figure the hell with it.
Nighty nights to all. A new attempt to post will begin tomorrow.


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Floating

I know I need to post an update on here at some point. I just don't have it in me right now. I just don't care to.

While looking through the blogs in my reader I realized I haven't read damn near anything for quite a while so I began to read and remembered why I'd taken a break. I feel so out of place in this IF world right now. I'm no longer TTC and we're not officially a 'waiting couple'. Yet. (hoping for this month, provided things get done soon, surgery zapped my energy) It's almost like I don't really fit in. Not in this virtual little world and not in the real day to day world. So I'm sorry I've been total shit in commenting. I'll get back into it. Promise.

Things this week have been hard. I have great friends that I can talk to but I find myself holding back. Not because I don't trust them of value the friendship cuz I really really do and she's an amazing friend but because I just CAN'T talk about it. (You know who you are, I know you read this blog. and Yes, I promise I'm ok haha) I feel bad talking to LTL about it. He's got other things on his mind and it all boils down to me just not being able to talk about it.

Today after work I got home and just sat for almost 15 minutes not wanting to get out of the car. I don't know why either. I was at the grocery store right before and started to get all anxious and emotional. It was weird. All I wanted to do was sit in my car with AFI playing loud and zone out.

I hope this funk ends ASAP. I've got a life to get on with.

Hopefully I can get a good update on here soon. (I'm semi better with my Twitter acct updates btw. Beware of vulgarity. Especially if you read the timeline and see the stuff from surgery. Bahahaha. What can I say, Lortab, pain, fighting with my MIL and stupid nurses bring out the best in me)