restarting a project

 Today, I got to thinking about the corner-to-corner blanket I started out of one of those color-shifting cakes of yarn. I started it back in 2022, but because it's so huge, and it's all garter stitch (so: easy to get bored with), I haven't worked on it much. I am getting close to done; I'm on the decrease section so it gets a tiny bit smaller (well: one stitch) each row, because you decrease.

But I'd like to be done with it some time, so maybe I try to work on it some (I have a long weekend this weekend, and there's neither bell choir nor Sunday school - the teacher is having minor surgery, and bells don't restart until next week. 

I admit what pushed me to pull it back out this evening was a flying trip to Sherman - I needed to go to Ulta (almost out of a couple of cosmetics I use, and I figured given how unreliable package delivery sometimes is now, I didn't want to trust to order it). I had thought of going tomorrow; but it's supposed to get cold and at one point they were talking about "there might be a few flurries" though I think that's been taken out of the forecast. And I wanted to bigger grocery shopping than I can locally. So I ran down there. And wound up on the side of the interstate where Michael's was (There are two of those strip type shopping malls pretty much across 75 from each other; the one with the Ulta is where JoAnn's used to be; Michael's is in the other one). So I decided: okay, I'll look quickly in Michael's and then cross over on the overpass and do the stuff I need to do at Ulta.

And they had more of those yarn cakes, and one set of them were on sale (and I had a coupon) and there was a pattern for an interesting crocheted blanket.

And I admit it: I'm a sucker for those color shifting cakes and I really do have too many ahead. But I had a COUPON, see. So I got them. And then I thought, "I really should finish the blanket I have going on" (never mind this one is crocheted, and the one I've been working on is knitted).

So this evening, after doing a few things (I wanted to change the bedsheets, and given I now have six pillows to prop up on/keep myself sleeping on one side, and multifarious stuffed animals on the bed, it's kind of a preoduction) I got the blanket out. 

I'm closer to done than I remembered but it will still be a while. But the nice thing about projected like these is that they do wait for you. 

and more socks

 I got the first of these socks done over break, and started the second one a few days ago.

 

The yarn is called "Cosmic Dust," it's from an Etsy seller I've bought a few sets of sock yarn from. Her shop is called UP North Yarns, she is based in Powers, Michigan, which is not terribly far from where my relatives in the UP lived, so I like that connection. Many of her yarns are inspired by colors in the UP - I have another one that's supposed to be like Kitch-iti-kipi springs, and another one that's like a sunrise over an icy landscape. 

I like her yarns, the base she uses seems to be good quality, and the color combinations appeal to me. 

They're just simple socks, which with these kind of patterning yarns, often work best. (I have a lot of striping yarns in my stash and I admit I try to find patterns that work that are OTHER than just plain. I might see if I have any plain solid colors that match with some of the stripes on the other striping yarns and do solid stripes with stripes of the patterning yarn.  I also have one from the Simply Sock Yarn club that is light colored enough it MIGHT just work with a simple cable. 

I'm still reading on "The Black Spectacles;" I just got to the point where Fell FINALLY appears (one of the police, trying to figure out the crime, have gone to visit him while he is "taking the waters" at Bath.)

And I was actually a bit surprised. At least in his introduction to Elliot he describes "taking the waters" as drinking large quantities of what I presume is some kind of mineral-spring water. I always thought of it as literally soaking in the water, kind of like what people did at Hot Springs in Arkansas (but then again, maybe they drank the water too?)

"Taking the water cure" seems like such a bygone thing - I don't think people would do it to improve health now (then again, in the Brave New World of who we have in top governmental "health" positions, we may once again be told to "take the waters" instead of, I don't know, go to counseling for burnout or something). Though then again, a reasonable bunch of time off where you got more or less taken care of (a nice place to stay, food you didn't have to cook, being able to sit and relax) might help mental fatigue as much as anything - it just wouldn't cure, for example, gout or something. (I assume Fell, given his Gargantuan appetite and tendency to drink a fair amount, might be at risk) 

 

It only Tuesday :(

 That was an old Onion thing, a photo of a bunch of sad looking people standing in what looked like a subway station, and the caption "It only Tuesday"

A friend of mine posted it on Bluesky today and it is, as the kids say, a Mood. 

There was still noise from the scissor lift today and I just have to accept, I guess, that it will always be loud and chaotic, because that's just my life now. 

And my lab got changed to Thursday, which is the best solution I guess, except I didn't find out until midmorning today. I could have come home for lunch, but I already had a packed lunch.

 so it's gonna be four days straight this week of Sad Desk Lunches and while that's not the worst thing ever, it's just.....all the little unpleasant things loom larger in the face of all the bigger unpleasant things in the world. Like, Cant' I Have One Nice Thing Please?

***

But anyway.

I guess there were nice things on Saturday. I ran down to Quixotic Fibers; they are closing out their Dream in Color (they got bought up by a big conglomerate and Quixotic's owners decided they wanted to feature smaller dyers, ideally more "local" (FSVO local) ones. So they had it marked down to $20 a skein, which is almost half off of what it was up to (like everything, inflation has hit yarn).

I did have some money that was a Christmas gift, so I figured: might as well spend it on yarn AND to help keep a small semi local business afloat:

 I don't remember any of the color names and I'm not going to get up and look. There's a variegated bright pink (the top one) and then a pink/red/orangey one that's more of a controlled color mix. And I bought 800 yards (2 skeins) of the yellow (it's actually more of a gold than it looks there) for either a scarf or a small shawl. 

I also went to the used book store. I bought a book of Conrad Aiken's poems (I read a couple of his short stories but never poems) and had a nice conversation with the owner, who knows me slightly (the shop used to be here in town, but she moved to Denison. Understandable: it's larger, clustered around a lot more shops, closer to Dallas so might get some of people from that area, and it's a more prosperous customer base. Still, it stinks to have to drive an hour's round trip rather than having a spur-of-the-moment trip downtown for fun.)

***

I pulled the British School Slipover back out but it feels like I never get more than a round or two done on it. This first week has been brutal (and yes: "it only Tuesday") and I'm really tired. 

I'm probably about 10 rounds from dividing the fronts and backs, so I am perhaps close to half done with it, though.

***

and over break, I finished the "Roadside Attraction" socks that are made out of a skein of hand dyed sockyarn of a colorway called "Griswold Christmas Tree" (I presume, since the main color is a dark "burnt" brown, that it's from AFTER Uncle Louis burned up the tree)

 

Maybe that knit-purl pattern wasn't the best for a dark and busy variegated skein; a lighter one that was more evenly self striping might have worked better. (I might try it again some day with one of the light colored String Theory self stripers I have to see how it goes). 

silly little thing

 today was the first day of classes, it was kind of a cluster:

 - facilities people showed up by surprise with a scissor lift and was replacing the lights in the hallways (14' ceilings). But: scissorlifts have a super annoying backup beep, and I got to hear it all through ALL THREE of my classes. And they're not done, so I assume we get it tomorrow.

They were not here last week when there were no classes but the buildings were open, so it's annoying

- Because of a Registrar mistake, a room I am in for my intro lab is double booked. So the lab might be moved to another day (which is okay, I can do that, if the students can) OR it might be moved to a different room - meaning I have to gather all the stuff before class, move it, and then move it back afterwards. Which I don't like. I feel like in the past I've taken on extra labor (some years I taught the last lab section and everyone left their dirty glassware, sticking my TA and me with it - the TA gets paid by the hour but I'm salaried, and if the TA has burned up their hours for the week, I have to do it all). 

I'm hoping the resolution will be the easiest possible. 

Also, CWF was tonight, and I found out someone who goes to a different church, but is a mutual acquaintance of many of us, has cancer. I hope it was caught really early; I don't know details but I'm ready to be done for a while with bad news for people I know. 

***

But the silly thing that makes it a bit better - something I ordered months ago (it was one of those kickstarter type things where enough people had to order for it to be made) came.

This is from an artist called Poorly Drawn Cats. I have several of the t-shirts with her designs on them, but this is a plushie:

 It's Vampurr! a vampire cat (the initial ordering period was around Halloween)

He has a little cape

 I think I ordered him on one of those days I was feeling a little sorry for myself about things. But I'm glad he finally came.

I named him Viago, after the European-dandy vampire in the movie version of What We Do In The Shadows (the character Taika Watiti played). 

 

Not pictured but he has funny little embroidered toebeans, and yes, that makes a difference. 

the biggest project

 I didn't finish a lot of things over break. This is the single biggest one, and it was sort of a last-minute choice - on Wednesday the 17th of December, before going to the train station, I stopped in Farmersville for a trip to Yarn and You.

And they had a whole wall of little balls of Sirdar chenille yarn, and little books of soft toys to make with it. Sort of an Assemble Your Own Kit thing. There was one book called something like Fanciful Animals with a couple mythological ones (unicorn, phoenix) and three real ones (a llama, a narwhal, and an okapi)

Now, okapi are among my favorite animals because they're so odd - they are the closest living relatives to giraffes despite looking more like a cross between a zebra and a deer (though when you see video of them - and a couple zoos do have it online - you can see that they move kind of like a very small giraffe would). So I decided to splurge on the yarn and booklet of patterns. (I didn't buy the optional fifth color - a rose read, to do pink cheeks on the okapi, I didn't want to spend that much more money to use a few inches of yarn) 

Also, chenille is not my favorite yarn ever to work with, but crocheting it is a lot easier than knitting it (it tends to "worm" when you knit it, with loose stitches and all). And these animals are crocheted. 

It came out much larger than I expected; I was picturing one of the little 5"-6" amigurumi things, this guy is nearly a foot long

 

And yeah, "guy." I was toying with naming him Louise (I watched a lot of Bob's Burgers reruns over break) but then I remembered that only boy okapi have the little horns (the girls have tufts of hair) so maybe I call him Oliver instead. 

The chenille yarn is nicer than many (it's denser and is close to a DK weight) and it does work up into a velvety fabric

 I did use lock washer eyes, which you install on the eye patches (made separately and sewn on at the end) and I wound up lightly stuffing the patches because the posts on the lock washer eyes - which were what the pattern recommend - made them stick out, but it makes him look a little odd in front view. I might later try to do a little needle sculpting with floss to pull them in more so he doesn't have bulgy eye patches)

 Other than that, I kept the expression neutral. I experimented with scraps of the leftover black and tried to see if eyebrows were necessary but I decided they weren't. 

Maybe cataloguing books

 If I can remember to consistently label posts "2026 reading," maybe I'll be able to find them again so I don't stop at the end of the year and go "wharrrgarrbllll I didn't read ANYTHING!" (I do read, I just, sometimes forget what I've read, or I think I read something longer ago than I did. Like, in 2025 I read Pratchett's "Equal Rites" but I was remembering I read it in 2024).

Anyway, maybe I keep better track so I feel less like my brain is running out my ears or something. 

I finished one novel (novella? long story?) already this year - I read Tolkien's "Farmer Giles of Ham." This was presented to me at some point as 'this is a story to make you more hopeful' and I admit the person.....kind of oversold it? It's an entertaining story, basically a fairy story for adults (not to say there's anything INAPPROPRIATE for children, it's just, I think adults, especially over-educated adults, will get the humor more). Mostly it felt like an extended philological joke, with the formal and vulgar languages (Yes I know that was a real thing a thousand or so years ago) and people having names in both, etc. 

And I admit I like that the animals could talk. (At least the dog and the dragon could. The mare seemed to "keep her own counsel" so presumably she could speak but chose not to?")

And yes, there's perhaps a bit of a reflection on greed in there. The dragon has his hoard, he comes to Ham, people want to chase him off, they realize maybe they can grab the treasure if they slay him and also please the King ("Dragon Tail" is a Christmas delicacy but for many years, real tails were unavailable, so it was recreated as a sort of marzipan cake). Then the King sticks his oar in and reminds the people HE would own any treasure recovered.

Anyway, they send out Giles, because (a) he owns a sword that is literally named (in both the Formal and the Vulgar) "Tailbiter" and (b) he previously chased off a rather dim-witted giant by stuffing a blunderbuss (!!! anachronism alert) full of scrap metal and basically peppering the giant's hind end with it

Though the events of (b) are how the dragon came to Ham - the giant told Chrysophylax (the dragon) that there were "no more knights, just stinging flies" in the Middle Kingdom, and that's why the dragon ventured forth. 

 (Aside #1: this reminds me a bit of The Brave Little Tailor and "killed seven with one blow!" even though Giles is not the one boasting here)

 

(Aside #2: Chrysophylax is a banger name for a dragon and I'll have to remember if if/when I get or make another dragon stuffed toy) 

Giles is no fan of this turn of events; he just wants to stay home with his wife and drink beer and banter with his dog. But at least Tailbiter is an ace in the hole, given that it will attack the dragon on its own without Giles' really knowing how to wield it. 

Anyway, there's a lot of palaver, and a lot of knights killed, and Giles manages to talk the dragon into giving up MOST of his hoard, but also "cutting out the middleman" (not reporting back to the king, who would just grab all the loot). Giles becomes a rich man, the dead knights' servants come to work for him, Ham and the surrounding country prosper, Giles becomes a Lord in his little part of the world.

And yet. The one unsatisfying thing to me - though maybe this is more realistic, really - is just how everything is driven by some sort of greed. Maybe Giles is better than most in that he seems to see to it his little slice of the kingdom prospers. But how many problems are created, how much peace is upset, by someone looking at something someone else has and saying "I want, and therefore I should have"?

The edition I had had the nice Pauline Baynes illustrations in it. Apparently someone else did an earlier edition and Tolkien did NOT like those, preferring the ones Baynes did. It also has another story - Smith of Wooton Manner, which I intend to read some time.

 

I'm also currently reading "The Black Spectacles" (Apparently published here as "The Green Capsule") by John Dickson Carr. Another murder mystery, this one triggered by poisoned chocolates but also involving the poisoning death of a man who wants to try to "prove" that someone suspected of the original poisonings did not do them. I'm not very far in yet.

 It's a Gideon Fell novel, and I like Fell as a character; I hope he shows up soon. I admit the poisoning plot affects me more than it might have a few years ago; I have less of a stomach for murder mysteries now when the world seems more dangerous than it once did to me.

 

I put aside "Trojan Gold" yet again - it's, kind of.....I might call it an "airport novel." It's a thriller, not particularly well written and I feel like the author doesn't particularly worry about verisimilitude. And also, whoo, some of the characters have active, uh, love lives, makes you wonder how they got any work done. I might return to it but I prefer the Carr novel for now.  

Year in review-ish

 this is the thing that Roger and Kelly do most years, and I've done a couple years. So here we are again, a little sadder and older, definitely not leaner, and not really colder (and yes, I still need a little Christmas) 

 

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never really make them; even in years when I tried to do "fun" ones I never seemed to follow through very long. I presume that is because I have so much stuff in my life ALREADY that I can't make room for something else, and either there's nothing I can dump (duties) or want to dump (the few things I already do for myself)

So yeah. Maybe "survive 2026" is the best resolution I can make, and even then that feels questionable.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

No. My one colleague/friend who seems to be in the position of wanting children is "done" after having three, and my other two youngish colleagues seem not to want kids, and none of my cousins had any

Did anyone close to you die?

My aunt, who had had Alzheimer's disease. I'm sad she's gone but Alzheimer's is so terrible you almost wish for an end for the person to remove the suffering from them and their families. 

And my friend Jane E., who had moved away from here a few years ago, she also died. IN this case it was a lot of physical infirmity that she was dealing with, and again, it's sad, but at least she's not suffering now. 

What countries did you visit?

I didn't even really travel other than to visit my mom. I think leaving the US is off the table for me for a good long while. I wouldn't want to go somewhere and get spat upon or turned away from places but I would understand Europeans or Asians not wanting us anywhere near them.  

What would you like to have in 2026 that you lacked in 2025? 

 More hope for the future. More close friends. More motivation to take care of some stuff I need to take care of (I still have not replaced my dishwasher because wharrrrgarblll decision paralysis and the LAST appliance installation I had was a bad experience - it's hard living here, there are not a lot of options and if one business sucks, in some cases you don't have much choice). And also: for powerful people who do wrong and evil things to face some sort of consequence, so they maybe stop doing those things.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I hate this question. I never feel like I did anything much. I started two research projects, one I'm just a minor collaborator on and the other one I didn't get very far on because a drought stopped me from getting effective data.  I painted a painting but that feels like it doesn't really count because it's not "official productivity" and it was also kind of formulaicly done. I mean, I juggled all my work (four classes in the fall plus an absolutely grinding committee, and being exiled from my building due to renovations in the spring) but I also feel like "that's not special, that's not an achievement"

What was your biggest failure?

Not getting more done with research or with trying to redevelop some course material.  

What was the best thing you bought?

  This is dumb and silly, but this:

 I still have the Home Alone ("Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal")  t-shirt on him but now I'm tempted to get various seasonal accoutrements (I guess valentine's day would be next) and dress him up for each upcoming holiday.

Yeah, marking the holidays even if it's a small silly way is important to me. 

Whose behavior merited celebration?

Everyone who is keeping on keeping on trying to be a decent person and do good in the world in ~all this~. I try but it's too small and never enough and it's very easy to get discouraged  

 Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Frankly, most in government at any level, and also, a lot of the lower level employees who are either enabling the bad, or are gleefully participating (I of course exempt the rank and file people at places like the EPA or OSHA who are trying to hold the line and keep things patched together; they are in the previous group of "meriting celebration") 

also those who seem to be collaborating in business, with especial disdain for the AI bros who are putting that **** on everything (like the hot sauce ad tagline)

Where did most of your money go?

Honestly? groceries and utilities. I didn't buy anything so very big this year. I did give some to charity, especially my regional food bank, especially during the shutdown where I knew there might be people not really eating without others' donations of money  

What did you get really excited about?

helping one of my newer colleagues with a research project she initiated. I hope we can pick it back up in the spring and gather more data and work with more students. Also the possibility of getting a new colleague (the search committee thing) partly because: new colleague, but also: being done with these committees for a while .

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

unequivocally sadder; I think this year will be one to be endured. I hope I am proven wrong but I don't think I will be.

Thinner or fatter?

Fatter. Both post-menopausal slowdown in metabolism, plus being less active because of my stupid knee hurting some days plus stress eating (and probably more cortisol in my bloodstream). I need to work on this, probably by the low-level starvation of a calorie restricted diet because exercise seems not to work for weight loss. I hate that. 

No, I am NOT considering the weight loss shots. I hate the thought of injecting myself AND I have a dodgy stomach on the best days and I know two people personally who had to quit the meds because of the horrific GI side effects they had. I'll do it if I'm FORCED but not voluntarily   

Richer or poorer?

About the same but inflation does nibble at the end-of-the-month tiny surplus there once was. I need to cut back on discretionary spending.  

What do you wish you’d done more of?

had fun. Though I'm not sure what that looks like for me any more. Or maybe more research if I'm not good at having fun, maybe I'm good at working more.  

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying, and searching for stuff I put in a "safe place" and then forgot what that place was.  

How did you spend Christmas?

With my mom. It was quiet and I never feel any more like I enjoy it as much as I should  

Did you fall in love in 2024?

No.  

How many one-night stands?

what do these people think, that we're all 22 year old urbanite Instagram influencers? my answer as always is "never, and I would never"

What was your favorite TV program?

I enjoyed most of the episodes of Elsbeth. Still love Bob's Burgers and Bluey (even if I've seen every episode of the latter multiple times)  

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I try not to hate, I really do, but it's hard. I'll pass on answering here, thanks.  

What was the best book you read?

My memory for what I read last year is poor, but I do remember enjoying "A Far Better Thing," which is a fantasy/supernatural retelling of "A Tale of Two Cities"  

What was your greatest musical discovery?

More of a rediscovery, but I've really enjoyed Oscar Peterson, especially his Hymn to Freedom. 

What did you want and get?

For the renovations on my building to be completed. 

What did you want and not get?

For DOGE to get kicked out of having any power whatsoever in the first six minutes of its existence.

What were your favorite films of this year?

I didn't see any new movies. Mostly just rewatched things I've already seen

What did you do on your birthday?

I taught, but on the weekend went to a yarn shop.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2024?

Same as it ever was: a little bit Earth Mother, a little bit "slobby, for comfort," a little bit "bright colors because I feel like I fade into the background too often

What kept you sane?

Books. The occasional bit of decorating I do. Knitting and crochet though I didn't do nearly enough. Talking with other people

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ugh, I don't know. Most famous people turn out to have feet of clay., Better to care about the people close to you

What political issue stirred you the most?

The sheer selfishness of some people and how all kinds of public goods, from local libraries to public health to possibly National Parks are being dismantled and privatized for people who already have more than most of us do.

Who did you miss?

I still miss my dad some times. I miss a colleague who moved to another country after retirement even if he sometimes aggravated me when we were working together. I miss some folks who are no longer part of my circle because of changes in circumstances or having moved away

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2025:

You can't fix most things. Sometimes you can't fix anything. And you have to learn to be okay with that. I still haven't.

If you take selfies, post your six favorite ones:

Naw. I will be posting a lot fewer photos of ME in the future because of the fact that there are nasty people with nasty programs who could do bad things if they had nasty enough motivations. And while I doubt anyone would do that to me, it still gives me enough ick that I may only post photos of things I've made and plants forever now

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I'm bad at this. I can't really think of one. Maybe later. "Do it brokenhearted" isn't a lyric anywhere but that kind of sums up the year: keeping on going when I feel like I can't at times. 

It’s almost Epiphany

 I finally figured out how to post photos using blogger on my phone; they changed settings and it was a real fight to even get that Christmas tree photo posted.

But now it’s almost time to go back home.

I went to church up here with my mom today. They  have a fairly new minister; I liked his sermon today. Apparently some congregations have designated the Sunday right before Epiphany as “Star Sunday” and talk about the visitors to the Stable both highly placed (the Wise Men/Magi) and humble (the shepherds) and he emphasized that everyone has a “gift” they can give, even if all they have to give is being present.

He also sang “This Little Light of Mine” (and he doesn’t have a bad voice; it takes a certain courage to sing, completely acapella, without even a prompt note.

At the Communion table he had a box of stars (see below) and told us all to take one at random, without peeking. They all had different words on them and he suggested meditating on “yours” to see if it had something to say in the coming year 

I admit I thought I’d get something like “duty” or “moderation” or one of those resolution-words that might suggest my 2026 is just a year of digging in and existing, without a lot of personal fulfillment.

But I got

Yes, “art”

Which is interesting. I had expressed to a couple of friends that I had a vague plan for retirement of maybe doing classes in art of some kind - I think I would particularly enjoy learning again how to throw pottery on a wheel - or maybe something like landscape painting. 

I had also thought about how I always enjoyed art classes in school (but then, maybe all kids do?) and I remember way back, before I decided (at a depressingly young age) it would not be possible to make a living at it, that I wanted to be an artist. Even before I thought of teaching. 

Now, no, I am not going to quit my job to go to art school, but maybe if I have a chance to do something with art, I’ll try to take it.

The Huron Carol

 This is an old, old, one - credited to Jean Brébeuf in the 1600s. (Though as the singer - himself a composer - notes, the tune probably postdates Brébeuf).

It's a chant, which to me gives it an older and wilder sound.  

He sings it in both French and English. He notes there are Native words - in the Wendat language, but he felt he couldn't do that version justice as Wendat is a language basically being resurrected, and he felt there weren't enough speakers of it for him to learn proper pronunciation from

 He also notes that the Nativity story has been "reset" from the First Century Middle East to pre-colonial North America. You see this done. I am not bothered by it: the idea that Christ is for all times and all places can also sit along with the idea of "we know a little of the history so we should try to be accurate"

I am similarly not bothered by the reset of time of year (a lot of theologians thing Christ was probably actually born in the spring, and the December time is to piggyback on existing Solstice celebrations. But to me it makes sense to celebrate the coming of the Light as the light is returning to the earth in the Northern Hemisphere).

I think this is also why I like to see Nativity sets that are culturally distinct - I've seen ones from Mexico that definitely incorporate traditional art styles, and ones from Asia where the figures have Asian features, and so on.

(And the funny thing? I think of a throwaway joke in a long ago sitcom where a Black person - I seem to remember her as a "mom aged" or older woman takes a younger white person that they either taught or cared for to her church, and the younger person expresses surprise at the portrait of Jesus depicting him as a Black man, and the woman makes a sort-of joke about "well, yes, everyone sees Him as being like themselves; I bet in Kermit the Frog's church He's green" and yes, maybe there's something to that. Just as long as we remember the historical Jesus was not blonde and Northern European looking...) 

a Christmas poem

 This is by Edwin Arlington Robinson (better known for Miniver Cheevy and Ruchard Corey). Apparently it's the last sonnet he ever wrote.

I guess in a way, since it was written in 1928, it's reflecting eternal feelings and problems, but I admit I feel this one especially hard right now:

While you that in your sorrow disavow
Service and hope, see love and brotherhood
Far off as ever, it will do no good
For you to wear his thorns upon your brow
For doubt of him. And should you question how
To serve him best, he might say, if he could,
“Whether or not the cross was made of wood
Whereon you nailed me, is no matter now.”

Though other saviors have in older lore
A Legend, and for older gods have died—
Though death may wear the crown it always wore
And ignorance be still the sword of pride—
Something is here that was not here before,
And strangely has not yet been crucified.

And yes, there's a lot in there. But I feel hard the "brotherhood farther than ever" and also, yes, I admit at times I grab that thorny crown and shove it down on my own brow because I want to fix things, and yet, I cannot, and I feel somehow I am guilty for not being more (and yet, at the same time, I feel I am too much in some other ways)

There's a short essay talking about the sonnet (and the personal experience of a friend of the essay writer) here. 

 

 

 

Tree is done

 Small one this year, with just us it’s harder to wrangle a bigger one, and they’re expensive now 

We still have to put down the tree skirt.

Also getting ornaments from a storage box, I had the little jolt of  sadness of seeing my dad’s stocking. Yes, sometimes it still affects me. He really loved Christmas and was really more into doing all the things than my mom is, and I inherited that.

I do still miss him. Not as badly as earlier but it still sometimes comes back.

It’s cookie time

 Did Christmas baking this weekend 

Fruitcake cookies (surprisingly good even if you’re not a fruitcake fan)

I also made shortbread with brown sugar and crushed pecans, but don’t have a photo, it’s really fragile.

And mint meltaways, which I make every year, but this year I had to use “pastel gel food coloring” so they’re not as pretty 

And I made the traditional cut-outs 

Different recipe this year; it made three dozen or so instead of like six dozen, even with careful dough geometry 

And finally, an old Pennsylvania Dutch recipe called Slapjacks. Molasses, coconut, and pecans. It made a LOT and with my caution about my teeth I have to soak them in tea to eat them 

A silly thing

 Some of you may have seen (and probably more heard the recording of) the surprising Bing Crosby/David Bowie collaboration from the late 1970s:

 

It's surprising, here's Crosby near the end of his life, and Bowie roughly mid-career, and very different styles, and yet they can sing together (and yeah, I've heard the unpleasantness about Crosby, but I've generally heard Bowie was a fairly lovely person). 

About 15 years ago Funny or Die did an almost note-perfect parody of it, with John C. Reilly (who always seems fairly likeable, at least in his roles I've seen) and Will Ferrell (who I liked in Elf, though I've not really seen much of his other work)

 I feel like Reilly's impersonation is slightly better, even though he is a larger man than Bowie was. His accent is maybe a *little* different to Bing's, but I think he's got the cadence down. (I guess Crosby was not actually Southern? I always thought he was maybe from Virginia or one of the Carolinas, given what I hear as a soft "tidewatery" accent, but the internet says no, he was born in Washington state.)

(There are a couple bleeped swear words at the end, playing a bit on the mispronouncing of Bowie's surname - "Bing" pronounces it like Jim Bowie, the Alamo guy.)

But it is entertaining, though mainly as a "wow, they really nailed the performance" than as "this is laugh out loud funny"

(I can't quite tell if they're the ones doing the singing themselves - and if so, props to them - or if it's dubbed) 

achieving escape velocity

 * ran the last few errands (bank, dropping a bill in a blue box to mail it without having to trust the mail guy would pick it up, retrieving my good steel water bottle from my office, so I can take water with me in case they don't have the little bottles on the train)

* Packed. I use a detailed list because I have no memory any more and I don't want to, for example, forget something small but important like the sleep mask I wear every night and have gotten so used to I probably couldn't sleep without it (I started when my neighbor had a roommate who left a light on in her attic room all night every night that shined down into my window, and it seemed that using a sleep mask was simpler than trying to negotiate "hey can you turn it out or put up curtains. it's shining through the gaps in my blinds"

* Planning to leave town always feels a little like planning an invasion as a result. All that remains now is the "morning stuff" - the makeup and medications and making sure I have some replacement "dinner like" thing since I can't eat the main dish of the "flex meals" (every single one of the recent ones I've tried have upset my stomach - probably celery or a lot of cumin in them - or they are carrot-heavy (Carrot-forward? I don't know what the foodie term is). I keep hoping eventually the car attendant will suggest either they can get a sandwich for me from the cafe car (I COULD do that myself, and pay, but it irks me that as a sleeping car passenger my meals should be comped, but I can't eat any of the four or five entrees they have) or that they have hamburgers off the kids' menu. I"m not quite brave enough to ask because sometimes the staff is super grumpy and a lot of times in my life I find it's easier for me to just put up, than  to risk someone being rude to me.

* But at least I have a little break. I've been really tired these past couple days, to the point where if I sit down after lunch I almost feel like I'd like to go to sleep (but I don't). I think it was just a really long semester, coupled with a LOT of bad news in the world. 

*I've got projects. And books. I finished "A Far Better Thing," it was good, of course I knew the ending and how it was going to turn out (and so: it was a little sad) but it is an interesting re-imagining of the Dickens novel and I'd recommend it if you like that kind of fantastical story. 

I pulled out "Trojan Gold, " a slightly unrealistic thriller about an art historian and the missing Trojan pieces that Schliemann excavated (I had to just now check to be sure that was "for real life" and doing a websearch on "Trojan Gold" takes you to a very different place until you add "Schliemann"). I started it some years back and I can't remember why I didn't keep reading. It does feel a little less realistic than some mysteries I've read (I mean, in terms of the characters) but so far it's fun. I also have "Farmer Giles of Ham" (which I bought a while back when I saw it recommended somewhere,. maybe on Christ and Pop Culture) and a couple non fiction books, and then a Gideon Fell mystery (The Black Spectacles). 

*I just need time away. I'm not taking any work with me. I DO have to finish my post-tenure review when I get back but I feel like taking some time off will help me work better on it. (And also: if the world ends I would in my last moments regret having slaved over something so ultimately useless. And yes, after the COVID pandemic and given geopolitics, I find myself feeling that more often about things - "if there might not be a future, why waste the time on this?")

* I do also plan to leave earlyish tomorrow and go to Yarn and You. It's about an hour and 20 minutes down there, and then maybe another hour and fifteen to the train station from there, so I figure if I give myself a bit more than two hours to make the drive from Farmersville to Mineola (in case I get a little lost), I'll be okay. And if I get to Mineola early I can always faff on my phone (being able to hang out on social media is nice if you're stuck somewhere) or I can pull out a book. 

* I have a few embargoed posts lined up, depending on how early I'm totally ready tomorrow I might write one or two more (not much point in leaving here before 9:30 or so). And I may try to write a few on the road, though it's less fun to write on a phone that doesn't have a "real" keyboard.  

As is traditional

 Here's this years (obviously time-embargoed; filmed earlier) post of my tree video.

 

Imperfect, but......maybe that's how you know I made it? instead of AI slop? (there are a couple times where I moved and bumped something and you hear it)

 

Also, I can't get it BIG with the mp4 import unfortunately, and I am not sure how otherwise to make a video that will work on here now.

well, rats. I wanted this to publish on the 21st but wanted to be sure the video upload worked. And I can't unpublish and redo apparently

 

What a week...

 I'd make the "Lemon, it's only Monday" joke but.....woof, this was a bad weekend for scary violent things - a campus shooting, a shooting pretty clearly motivated by antisemitism that killed a LOT of people, and the tragedy with Rob Reiner and his wife (and his son; however that man went wrong, that's a tragedy too)

 

I find myself thinking a lot this time of year about things.

First of all, this: I know people mocked it at the time it came out, and still mock it today, but I think it has a point ("7 o'clock news/Silent Night" by Simon and Garfunkel)

 Every year I think about what  news stories would be subbed in for an update of this.

Every year there are enough upsetting/unfortunate ones for a song at least twice as long.

People don't change. I mean, I get it, if you read at ALL, even just the Epistles in the Bible, you realize that humans are much the same as we were 2000 years ago.

 

And second - a lot of things in Advent hit hard this year. 

I was particularly thinking how powerful the story of Christ coming to Earth is now - here is a being of infinite power, as the Gospel of John says, "The Word who was with God, and who was God" and was there at the very beginning of everything, choosing to give up that power out of love of humanity....And that's just... if you're a believer at all, it should catch you up short, especially when you see humans with far less power just abusing it, and sometimes it seems abusing it out of the chance to be cruel to another living being, not even for any profit to them. And it breaks a person's heart. Or at least it does mine.

And the Coventry Carol ("lullu lullay, my tiny little child" which was about the Massacre of the Innocents by Herod) always makes me sad in the best years, but this year.......yeah.

The holiday channel I had been playing in my car had this John Denver version (which I had never heard before) on one day and I found myself tearing up a bit as I drove.

 This year has been a lot. Not just in the outside world; a lot in the sense of spending a semester "in exile" from my usual teaching building, and having to trek all over campus to teach, and the added mental burden of having to carry all my lab stuff with me, and having to make sure everything I might need from my office was in my backpack. And serving on a never-ending search committee. 

And worrying about things at church - never enough money for everything to be right, and struggling to keep the pulpit filled, and it does feel like we're keeping it together with duct tape and baling wire a lot of the time. 

And my knee still bothering me - it will never be fully right again and I'm not even sure submitting to surgery and the concomitant recovery time would make a sufficient improvement, and I never seem to be able to make time often enough to do the PT stretching to keep it from hurting, and shoes are a perpetual problem - they can't be too stiff nor too loose, they need enough padding without being too heavy, and they wear out too fast when I do find a pair that works,. 

And I am just tired. I find I have less stamina for a lot of the things than I once did (I am sure the periodic flares of chronic pain from the knee do that). 

 

But maybe a little happier, or if not happier, more peaceful, John Denver song, from his Christmas album with the Muppets. This is actually based on a British poem, and portrays the quiet, peaceful country life that the poet once had:

(and an aside: I remember we had this - on record, a vinyl record - when I was a kid. I loved it. And then when I was in college, and we found it in the dorm library (yes, the dorms there had their own tiny libraries!) some of the other girls mocked it. And I just kept my mouth shut; I had been taught too much that the things I loved were, as they say now "cringe," and I didn't have the energy for it then. And then some years later, in grad school, a little older, with a different group of friends, someone brought it up. And almost to a person everyone was: "oh I LOVED that record! it was so much fun and John Denver was so good on it." And I don't know if it was a maturity thing - people growing out of that adolescent need to mock and be "so over" everything, or if it was simply a different group of people, but it struck me. I have it on CD now, and I still love it; I never stopped loving it, because it brings up happy childhood memories)

 For what it's worth, here's the original poem, the lyrics are shortened and rearranged: 

Noel: Christmas Eve 1913

Robert Bridges

1844 –1930

Pax hominibus bonae voluntatis

A frosty Christmas Eve 
   when the stars were shining
Fared I forth alone 
   where westward falls the hill,
And from many a village 
   in the water'd valley
Distant music reach'd me 
   peals of bells aringing:
The constellated sounds 
   ran sprinkling on earth's floor
As the dark vault above 
   with stars was spangled o'er.
Then sped my thoughts to keep 
   that first Christmas of all
When the shepherds watching 
   by their folds ere the dawn
Heard music in the fields 
   and marveling could not tell
Whether it were angels 
   or the bright stars singing.

Now blessed be the tow'rs 
   that crown England so fair
That stand up strong in prayer 
   unto God for our souls
Blessed be their founders 
   (said I) an' our country folk
Who are ringing for Christ 
   in the belfries to-night
With arms lifted to clutch 
   the rattling ropes that race
Into the dark above 
   and the mad romping din.

But to me heard afar 
   it was starry music
Angels' song, comforting 
   as the comfort of Christ
When he spake tenderly 
   to his sorrowful flock:
The old words came to me 
   by the riches of time
Mellow'd and transfigured 
   as I stood on the hill
Heark'ning in the aspect 
   of th' eternal silence.

 

And yes: Pax hominibus bonae voluntatis. 

And almost done

 Graduation is tomorrow.

Today, I submitted my grades and finished my syllabi and verified that I don't have to have my post-tenure review stuff in immediately I am back on campus, so I can put the finishing bits on it when I come back. I moved most of the lab stuff for my soils class back into the "renovated" lab; I will get the rest of it there Monday. Monday afternoon and Tuesday I will pack and do a little cleanup here and make sure I've run necessary errands (bank, having mail held...) 

And then Wednesday - the yarn shop, and then on to the train station and break, and Christmas.

I did finish one thing last night, and I'm pleased; this will go in my mom's stocking. It's simple but these dishcloths are always useful, even if you have a dishwasher (as she does) there are always pans or delicate utensils better hand washed.

It's the "Grandmother's Dishcloth" pattern, which is simple to do and takes about half a ball (maybe a bit more) of that yarn that is sometimes sold as "dishcloth cotton"

I also knit a fair amount more on the garter-stitch part of Syyslaulu, though I still have maybe fifty rows to go before I can start the lace part. I think I'll take it with me and try to finish it, and I have several pairs of socks in progress, and the new scarf/shawl I bought yarn for last weekend. 

I never knit or read on breaks as much as I think I will though; I think I just get tired during the semester and sometimes I spend a lot of time just sitting.

I do still have to do which cards I plan to send; that might be a task for after graduation tomorrow.
 

Human and messy

*update* Now at least one commenter is insinuating that it's an elaborate hoax, and because of the "rule of three" in some of the descriptions, the whole piece I linked was written by an LLM as a THING and I don't even know any more, maybe I really DO just refuse to read anything written before 2022. I hate this all, I hate the future being shoved down our throats. (many things about the future being forced on us). I guess you can't trust anything 

 

 This essay showed up linked on Metafilter, and I perhaps will note: maybe don't read the comments (someone comes in and basically suggests running it through an AI to "de messify it" and to "stop making everyone a stereotype" and then people start fighting back and forth. There are few things on MeFi that DON'T lead to a comments-fight).

 

But I found it interesting, even if it's a different style than I'd write in (but that's also part of the point of my post). The writer here describes himself as Blind (he also describes himself as gay and as "an obscure writer")

He describes - I have no idea how fictionalized this account is, but it feels true - how his writers group devolves when a couple AI bros move in and push people to use things like Claude to generate their prose

The Colonization of Confidence 

In particular, I was struck by what happened to Leo - who wrote powerful and surprising images (collard greens' smell "subduing the air in the kitchen," which, yes, anyone who's been somewhere with some kind of mustard family plant cooking nods in recognition, even if they never thought of it that way before) that get smoothed out to a bland pabulum when he starts using an AI to "help."

And he gradually loses his voice - because he loses his confidence. Because he believes AI is better at it than he is, culminating with him successfully selling an AI written essay to a magazine. (I recoiled in horror at that bit).

And the writer of the piece describes making a NEW writer's group, one that doesn't use AI, one that embraces the messiness and humanity.

And that's what struck me. That's part of why I dislike AI taking over "art" and "humanities" in particular.

When I read, I want to be surprised. I want to be made to think in a way I'd not thought before. I want to see someone else's experience that is different to my own, and, sitting with it, try to understand it. I don't want some kind of bastardized average human experience, smoothed and "corrected" via an algorithm that is trying to make the most "marketable" thing. 

I don't want writing that is like a slick tv ad! I want the messiness and humanity and genuine emotion! 

And I don't know how we stop the onslaught of AI, other than, maybe, refusing to buy books written with it - which may eventually become "buy no books written after 2022" because just as bad money can drive out good, I suspect stuff like AI may drive out the quirky, real, genuine-ness of writing.

***

I used to write. I was never very good. I wrote poetry, a lot of it (I posted a little on here years back). Most of it, as I said, wasn't good, which was why I never submitted poetry or stories anywhere. But it was enough for me to have written it. It was enough to take the idea I had and either scribble it down in a bound blank book, or type it into a Word file, and edit it a little, and then periodically look at it again and think "I wrote this. It came out of my brain, and it helped me deal with the world."

I wish more people would just do the messy writing and put it out there.

I wish there weren't so many people looking to profit by promoting what some call "slop engines" - the algorithms that turn everything into something inoffensive and the equivalent of a simple bland frozen dinner - unchallenging to the palate and maybe actually not that nutritious and probably stuffed with artificial ingredients. I like the messiness and the reality.

And also: sometimes there are - and there SHOULD  be - things you just for yourself. Like the poems I never tried to publish or share. Sometimes I wrote them because an image popped into my mind and I wanted to play with it and develop it; other times, I was having Big Feelings and sitting down and writing about them helped me process them. I am not at all convinced telling an AI "I am in deep grief, write a poem about someone grieving" would help in that way. 

AI writing doesn't have the element or surprise or whimsy or novelty. I admit sometimes when I post a riposte to a joke someone made on Bluesky, or make a standalone joke myself I think "Hah! an AI couldn't do that." I am good at "lateral thinking" when my brain is having a good day and I'm firing on all cylinders and it feels to me like an AI can't do that kind of leap-of-thought that is a very human thing, and that some humans enjoy both reading and doing - the whole "Aha!" moment thing. 

And I admit, I worry about it.  I worry about what happened to Leo happening to a lot of people, I have had fellow profs (mostly at other universities) report that their students don't "trust" their own writing any more and feel like they have to use Chat GPT or Claud as a "crutch" to help them write. Or that it's "easier" than doing the hard work of generating a draft and then editing it (And an aside: I yell at my students about how you really should probably spend at least twice as long editing a paper as you spent  writing the original draft. An entire YEAR of my Ph.D. program was just me doing rewrite after rewrite of my dissertation, and finding additional sources or cutting out some references or doing the analysis a little differently and rewriting with that)

I don't know if I'm being alarmist when I think "we are going to lose something of what makes us human if we give too much of this kind of thing over to AI" but other days I do not think I am being alarmist enough about it.... 

A different day

 Yeah, I just needed some time to get used to that I'd have to change the plans I had made. 

I mean, in the long run it matters less than getting the right person for the position. But I am heartily tired of Zoom interviews of people. 

Anyway, I realized, looking at a map, that Farmersville is not a VERY long detour on the way to Mineola, and if I was ready to leave early (like: before the shop opens) from here on Wednesday, I could get down there and have an hour or two to go to the yarn shop AND get lunch and then detour back onto the road to Mineola, and get to the train station in time. And that way, it costs less gas in the long run. And I still get my yarn shop trip. So maybe I do that. 

I got all my exams given, and three of them graded. (Well, except for one or two for the "extra time accommodation" folks, and maybe I'll get those back tomorrow). I do have to write my third syllabus yet; maybe I do that tomorrow. And move the lab equipment I moved LAST spring back into the soils lab. 

My evening things are done. Tonight was Board Meeting, and these days, with money troubles and not a permanent minister, there's always that fear going in of "is this the month we have to decide to start the shut down process?" and I admit it would break my heart to go through that (especially since I drive by the church regularly, and would hate to see it empty and unused, or taken over by some other group, or, worst of all, torn down (it's an old building and admittedly it has problems)

But not this month. We're good at least through February and it sounds like it will go on beyond that; there's plans to fix a broken part in the heating system in a way that you wouldn't do if you were nearing a shut down. So, I don't know. We've hung on for 22 years since the congregational split but we don't ever seem to grow any more. Which is sad, because it's a very nice group of people, very welcoming, and it fills a niche some of the more....conservative...congregations do not. 

So there's that relief, and also the promise that maybe tomorrow night I'll be done with schoolwork and can concentrate on cleaning up my office and moving equipment around on Friday. Saturday is graduation; Sunday is church. Monday I turn in grades and do last minute stuff over at school; Tuesday pack - and if I can be as ready as possible before Monday morning, I could leave in time to get down to Yarn and You shortly after they open at 10, and then have some time to shop and also, as I said, get a nicer lunch than I might here. 

So, yeah, "adapt, improvise, overcome" or something like that.

Also today I got a gift from a friend - two handturned wood bowls, ones her husband made. One is the ideal size to use to hold a ball of yarn when I knit so it doesn't skate all over the floor. And another friend sent me isopod stickers and a pink glittery enamel pin of what looks like a horseshoe crab. And the secretary at church made gifts - book covers - for all the women in CWF (we use a study book in there). So I have received a few nice gifts.

(And I HAVE to make time to get cards out soon, before I leave town).

And the replacement gift I ordered for my mom apparently came. I HAD ordered her four pounds of Anasazi beans from Adobe Milling, and I never, ever heard back from them (their website said they'd e-mail with the actual shipping cost if it was going to be an odd sized package and wouldn't work in a flat rate box) and I was afraid they'd just gone out of business and had a zombie website up. And so my replacement order was from Mount Hope Wholesale, which has similar products.

well, it apparently arrived at her place today.

so she's going to get EIGHT pounds of beans as part of her gift. Oh well.  

change in plans

 I'm upset.

 So I had said: I have plans Friday, could we not have interviews that day?

 And after today's one: "Oh, we need to do the next three on the list"

 

and it turns out they are only free Friday.

I give exams all day tomorrow. Thursday I am tied up until AT LEAST 11 depending on when that interview is. 

Saturday is graduation

Sunday and Monday the yarn shop I wanted to go to is closed, and at that I am filling in for Meals on Wheels Monday. Tuesday I have to pack and take care of things before I leave town. 

Wednesday I leave town, and while, yes, the yarn shop is SORT OF on the way (but not really, and I don't know how to get back to the route I need to Mineola from there, and I also don't like to plan things like that where there's a tight schedule because WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS

 

So I guess I don't go. 

I'm mad and sad even as I am going "this is really a sign you have too much yarn and aren't allowed to have  more" 

It's more the: I would like to get out,somewhere that's not in town, somewhere that's not a FLYING trip where I have to hurry for other things. I had wanted to go before Christmas to see the decorations in the town. 

But no. I'm the good little donkey who works herself until she drops dead, who never takes time for fun or joy. And who doesn't even come home to someone who loves her and thinks she matters.

 

I'll get over it, I guess, but it's just another in a chain of disappointments. 

The only hope is if the interview on Thursday is early and I can leave here at 11. But I'm not counting on that. And I'm counting on something ELSE coming up, a student  missing and exam and DEMANDING the make up at a time I might have gone. 

And no, I don't think I can skip graduation (if I'd known, I'd have signed up for the Friday evening graduate one, but I don't know anyone graduating in that group). And it'll doubtless last until noon

 

It's an hour down to the yarn shop AT LEAST. And I don't want to drive back as it's getting dark (5 pm-ish) because I see BADLY after dark. And I hate being rushed. I just wanted a day, ONE DAY one stupid stinking day to do what I wanted and run around and shop

(When I get up to my mom's it looks like it will be icy, so: stuck at her house. I better bring extra projects, I guess)

 

Anyway, I feel cheated. Again, I know I buy way too much into fairy-tale logic that if you're a good and kind person you will be rewarded. Universe don't work like that, if you're a good and kind person you get taken advantage of and sometimes mocked and sometimes beaten down for it and I'm stupid to be that way but I can't be otherwise. 

 

so okay FINE I guess I wait until, who knows when, to go. 

And I'd say "well, when I retire I'll do all this stuff" but I half expect we'll either be in Great Depression II by then, or some kind of global war, and I'll be struggling to stay alive, let alone have any enjoyment at all.

 

I'm just mad and frustrated at how I can't plan ANYTHING in my life without having it changed. 

Monday evening things

 * Going out to go home early this afternoon, I saw something lying in the parking lot. At first I thought it was a bit of trim off a car, but as I got closer, I saw it was a wallet. Picked it up, could see there was a driver's license in it - so I figured I could either find the person or leave it with the secretary as lost and found. Turns out it was one of our grad students, whom I know slightly, and so as I headed in to ask the secretary if she knew where she was, I heard the student's voice and went down the hall - she was on the phone - I held out the wallet and said "is this yours?"

It was. She was apparently on the phone, I couldn't tell whether asking her husband to look for it or what. But she was relieved to get it back, I guess she didn't notice it falling out of her backpack or purseSo at least I helped someone today. 

 *Tonight was CWF. I made the "cowboy caviar" for it (basically: marinated black beans, ripe olives and onions chopped up and served on top of cream cheese with a chopped hard boiled egg on top). I guess people liked it - I know I like it but it makes too much for just me. 

*But just before I left home, I sound something LOUD that I first feared was a branch coming down on my car (no) then I wondered if it was a car wreck (but I didn't hear sirens then). As I got down to the church I got a voicemail and text from the city: a train had derailed on the tracks about a half-mile east of me, and so several crossings were blocked. (I fretted a but, but there was no follow up "if you live in this radius, leave" and I'm not sure what I would have done had I not been able to get a hotel room)

Turns out it was the best possible outcome - none of the train employees (A couple engineers, I guess, I don't even know if freights have brakemen on them any more) were hurt, and it was "dry goods" on the train that were non-hazardous (so I don't know if it was like animal feed or what, but apparently if it spilled it wasn't an environmental hazard)

* At church, one of my fellow elders came up to me and pulled me aside and said "I want to ask you something" and I got nervous; we're all wondering when we run out of money and out of potential pulpit fillers and if we may have to shut down in the next year and I thought "oh no, here it comes, the 'do you think we should discuss this at Board Meeting'"

I was massively relieved to find out her worry was: the retired Episcopalian rector is filling the pulpit BUT his bishop did not give him permission to preside at the table, would I do it?

I mean, it's funny to me, as a lifelong Disciple of Christ - here I am, an unordained person with essentially no formal theological training (And a woman to boot, but I doubt that would matter to today's Episcopalians) and I can do this but apparently the ordained minister isn't permitted to. (Doctrinal differences can be a heck of a thing)

But of course I could do it. I've done it before. I've filled the pulpit before. I get that some people are uncomfortable with public speaking but man, this was the least of least things she could ask me to do. And like I said, relieved; sounds like they've got the pulpit filled for the rest of the year and into January.

I know the retired rector very slightly which probably increases my comfort at doing it. But yeah, I'm fine with it. 

So anyway, I passed the rest of the evening in better cheer than I might have otherwise.

* Got my first syllabus written today; I plan to do the other two tomorrow. I had a lot of make up exam people today and had to get them graded.

* My frivolous Christmas gift to myself came today. Yes, it is another stuffed animal. I ordered from Stuffed Safari, who I've had good service from in the past.

A large (like, a foot and a half tall, seated) Fennec fox:

 He was sold as "weighted," but it's not quite the "weighted for anxiety therapy" - more like plastic beads in the butt and feet so he sits upright.

His hangtag - he's from Aurora, the Snuggluv line -is in four languages and tonight I realized I had never known that "Zorro" meant "Fox" in Spanish. And I decided to take that as his name. He doesn't LOOK much like a "Zorro" but I like it for him.

 * I also did get  down to Denison Saturday, despite it being very foggy (and at one point I wondered if I should turn back, but at that point I was almost halfway there, and I would have had to have pulled off at an unfamiliar exit). I was seeking yarn for the Jollity shawl pattern I bought (A Louise Tilbrook pattern). I had thought that if Quixotic Fibers still had two skeins of their 2025  Christmas sockyarn - called "Mulled Wine," that would be a perfect colorway for it.

I was fortunate, they did:

 I also got to see the (artificial, I'm quite sure it's hollow and on a frame) tree that they put up over the fountain at the Katy Depot:

I was also able to get to Albertson's for groceries.

I still have half a plan to drive to Farmersville on Friday and go to Yarn and You again. 
 

Classes are over

 It's hard to feel really excited or triumphant or anything, though. Today was just lots and lots of grading in between a couple of job-candidate interviews. The thing actually due today were "hypothetical project plans" (to see how well my stats students could actually write something where they'd talk about collecting data and using a particular test) BUT I also had a bunch of late stuff I had to do - one student who had to have emergency nasal surgery (I didn't ask) had to make up an exam, and I had agreed to accept some late work from another person, and there were the "late accommodations" papers (this is a thing now: in addition to some folks getting extra time on exams, they get more time to complete things like homework, nevermind I give a minimum of a week on short assignments and almost a month on some that require more background work). There's a lot more asked of faculty, now, I think, and it's tiring, because it seems like invisible work - no one cares how tired you are, or how you're struggling to complete things at the last possible minute because the other people need maximum time for it.

At least I got home early enough (4 pm) to do the half-hour workout I didn't do this morning. Tuesday-ish (it's hard to remember, days all run together) I tweaked my knee again somehow (I think I hyperextened it a little) and it was REALLY hurting. I was afraid, actually, I'd reinjured it or injured it worse. But then this morning (after forcing myself through most of a workout Thursday morning) the pain was mostly gone, but one thing I've learned about chronic-ish pain? it carries its own fear with it. By that, I mean if you have  a bad pain day, you think "this is it, I really messed up the cartilage for real and it's either surgery or hurting this badly forever" but then something happens - the air pressure changes, or you sleep in the right position for once, or you happen to eat the right anti-inflammatory thing, and you wake up NOT HURTING. And then you're nervous all day because "what if I step down just wrong and mess it up again." So I decided to put off exercising, on the grounds that if I hurt after an afternoon workout, at least I didn't have to go through an entire day of work. 

But no, it still doesn't hurt tonight. So I don't know. ("She falls in a well, eyes go crossed, she gets kicked by a mule they go back to normal, I don't know!").

 I'm hoping it remains good for at least a few days. I WILL say I think the standing on the hard floors (and when they redid them, they made them just as hard as before) in the classroom is the issue. I thought about getting a foam mat to stand on but (a) I like to roam around when I teach, walking helps me think and (b) I'd have to carry it from classroom to classroom, because I'd have to buy it myself and I'm not buying one for every room I might be in. 

Monday I go in because I have yet again a few people needing to make up an exam, and Monday night is CWF. Tuesday in my next exam, and then Wednesday I give two (sigh). 

 

I'm really hoping I can "steal" Friday next week and maybe even get back down to Yarns and You; I've been wanting to go back and haven't been able to get away. (Saturday is graduation; this Saturday is the last Zoom knitting meetup I'll be able to attend this year so it wouldn't be good for that, though I might still go to Sherman early to go to the Albertson's, and I bought a Louise Tilbrook shawl pattern needing 2 skeins of sockyarn, and if they still have two balls of the WYS Christmas yarn ("Mulled Wine") for this year, I feel like it would be perfect for that. (Yes, I COULD mailorder from them, but given how slow the mail has been recently, it wouldn't come before I left for my mom's, probably, and I'd like to start it over break) 

 

Thursday evening things

 Tonight was the AAUW Christmas party. As we have for the past few years, we planned it for the fellowship hall of my church. But then I found out the heat was out, and the repair guys were unlikely to show up in time. The secretary did offer to put the space heaters they used for the mothers' day out program down there, and leave a couple running.

I informed the group. One member  offered her house (some folks have weekly cleaners, so their houses are always clean. Mine is not.) I didn't really want to do that, she hosted it a few years ago and it's in a new housing development north of town, with streets *not* on a grid (and that run unpredictably into each other) and last time we had the Christmas party there, it was so dark out when I left, and I was so unfamiliar with the area, that I got turned around and wound up on the far west side of town, rather than the east side, where I lived. So I pushed for the "let's just use the space heaters" (also there is better parking/more accessibility at the church). 

I went down there after school (and that's a whole other thing) to set up. A couple of the space heaters apparently blew the fuses in the outlets they were in; at any rate, they weren't running and when I moved them to a different outlet they were fine. The made it warm enough, marginally, but I felt bad and wondered  if I was wrong not to immediately acquiesce to the alternate place that was far out of the way for me and somewhere I'm uncomfortable driving. 

I decided not to do the white grape juice and ginger ale punch, figuring people might want something hot, so instead I took a large bottle of apple juice I had bought and heated it in a stockpot with a tea infuser full of spices, and one of the other members brought already-made coffee (I am not familiar with making coffee, and didn't want to try, but she knew and brought a pot of coffee)

People slowly showed up. At first I was fretting thinking "what if they all ditched me and went  to the other person's house, and forgot to notify me (childhood experiences can make deep scars, I guess). Eight of us were there, not a bad turn out (one woman was out of town, another one was having to sit with a family member after a procedure)

I felt bad about it being cold. I have a big need to make everything perfect, I guess, and I feel like it's somehow my fault even when it isn't. One woman kept laughing and saying she always liked it when little things went wrong, and while I didn't say anything, I admit it annoyed me even more having the fact that things were less than ideal pointed out to me.

Oh, the food was good, and for once, I got a gift in the blind gift exchange I actually wanted (a fancy liquid hand soap and matching-scented hand lotion, and a special scrubby for washing dishes. And I guess my hat was appreciated by the person who got it. 

 But I'm also thinking about some discussion from Bluesky about people talking about how Christmas was more fun when they were kids and the general consensus from other people was "yeah? it was magical because your parents made it magical for you!" and yeah? And there was some talk of all the "care labor" that people like parents have to do for things like that and, yeah, I guess maybe what had me in a bad mood was that I was focusing on what I had to get done so the party would work (provide the drinks, make sure the space was warm enough, find serving utensils and hand wash them and put them away after dinner, remember to lock up after and turn off and unplug all the heaters....) and yeah, I see that.

But the problem is I do a lot of care labor on a low level (a lot of the stuff with students) but I don't often get it done for me these days. I mean....part of the reason I sometimes get restaurant food more than is probably healthy for me these days is that it's the illusion of being cared for (even though I am paying for it) and it's also not having to cook for myself on top of everything else....but I definitely can tell I feel frayed right now.  

But yeah, I was kind of exhausted and that may have affected my mood - last night, I had to make those darn meatballs, and I also started grading the big papers, and there was a job-candidate interview. And today there was another one, and I did more grading, and gave an exam, and got those 2/3 of the way graded.....and I am just tired and  ready to be on break, but it's not for like ten more days, and those are going to be long days. (There are *two* candidate interviews tomorrow...)

 But there were a few minutes, after everyone had left - calling out merry Christmases to each other, because we won't see each other again until February - I had to stay back to lock up and I stood there in the quiet dark hall before heading through the fellowship hall and kitchen and out to my car, where it was quiet and really, yeah, maybe a little holy. I know this place well; it's been my church for 25 years, and I admit some days, given staffing and financial challenges, I worry how much longer we will exist. 

But yes, that moment was quiet and familiar feeling, in the big dark building, after it was over and everyone had left, and that was one more "requirement" off my plate 

 

"Where's the Tylenol?"

 I started these socks - the pattern is called Roadside Attraction - last Christmas. I kind of stalled out on them after the holiday - partly I was busy and hurting with the whole "being exiled to different buildings on campus and it takes a lot more cognitive effort to plan for teaching" thing last spring semester. 

Partly because the yarn colorway was Christmas themed

 The colorway is called Griswold Christmas Tree, hence the post title.

Yes, it's very much a movie I should not like, and I also know Chevy Chase is generally seen as a miserable b-stard in real life (from what I've read of him), and yet.....the movie does have its weird appeal. Part of it for me is seeing people having a more miserable time than you are, and remembering that Christmas isn't all Hallmark snow and people happily reconnecting. 

And his rant at the end - well, I first saw the "sanitized for network tv" version (but have seen the full version) and frankly there's something cathartic about it. I've never said the whole unredacted "where's the tylenol" bit but I will admit to having THOUGHT it once or twice.

Despite being inspired by a burned-up Christmas tree resulting from a crabby old man with a stogie, the colorway IS kind of nice: 

 Maybe I'll get them finished THIS year. I'm working on the foot of the first sock and I'm past the gusset decreases.