Broken, not bent
We don’t break easily, but now and then, it happens. When the bending goes on for too long, when too much was and is happening, there comes the moment, the last push – and we break.
I assume I am not only talking/writing about my own experiences here but that some will be able to relate and get comfort in knowing they are not alone!
But yes, it’s been a long time since I felt broken. I’m usually one who stands up, knows she is bent but feels the energy and motivation to keep going. Right now, though, it’s tough, and I do not want to pretend otherwise. Because it’s okay to feel broken, to acknowledge it.
It’s ok to not be ok!
It’s not alwasy “fine”!
We are not Humpty Dumpty, and we can be put together again; we just need to take some time and space to heal. It’s a vulnerable place to be, though, that place where we confront our pain and acknowledge our wounds.
We moved to the US last year in August; the months before the move have been stressful already; the whole move process and settling in was anything but smooth. I, and the family, experienced a lot of emotions and stressors. During that time, I found myself being the rock of the family, balancing their and my well-being as we transitioned. While finding my way and waiting for the container to finally arrive (those who move often know how important that step is to create a new home), my mum died. Even though it was not unexpected, it’s always sad; it’s our parents! During all this, Christmas came along, and a trip to Sweden was made for the funeral. I already felt there that that was more than “just” a funeral goodbye; it was goodbye to so much more.
I was standing during all this, managing and coping, taking care of myself and those around me. It is my strength, yes, but at the same time, it masks as well my pain.
What broke me now was the clarity that I got. Of the realisation – no scratch that, I realised that years ago, just didn’t want to admit it. So no, it was the confirmation – not the realisation! – that I have been fooled and played for many years. Even these are the wrong words; after all, I haven’t been played or fooled. I have been aware and expected what happened to happen, but seeing it black on white, the confirmation was the final straw. It was the truth long ignored.
What do they say? “Hope dies last,” and yes, I was still hoping that I was seen and heard, a little bit at least. It’s that ending, the end of hoping, that broke me now.
While I do feel broken and drained, I have clarity, however. No more wondering, no more pretending, no more hoping. It’s all clear now. And while it’s hard to take in and will take time to digest and come to terms with a few things, I can find closure. Perhaps that is part of what leaves me so drained and exhausted?! Having that clarity that, I can let go of things that I have been clinging on for far, far too long because “it’s family”; it’s what is “expected” (or what I expected from myself). I can stop the doubting, second-guessing, looking for ways to be seen and heard…and.. hoping. After all, sometimes, even family sees us differently.
I have lost what is dear to me, and there is no sugarcoating that one. It pains deeply as it is not just about me, but it did hurt the kids, too. And that makes it even worse. But, if I put the hurt and pain away, I know that I have gained along the way, too. And while I will not overlook and downplay my exhaustion and current brokenness, I do know that I will put myself and the kids together again.
Let me finish with this…
We had to present ourselves when I was at a Points of You® training last year. Already back then, I used a tree and a broken-off branch as a metaphor, and I will leave you with this:
When a branch drops, the tree bleeds and needs time to close the wound and heal. The broken branch itself will not get on again, but it will make space for something new! Let’s focus on the tree, its energy and growth, and not on what broke off.
So yeah, while it pains and unsettles, it’s ok to feel broken for a while! It is only through acceptance that true healing can begin. So, if you feel broken like I do, let’s give ourselves permission to feel the full weight of our emotions, to acknowledge the depth of our pain.
There will be beauty and growth to be found in there!
Find your ease, wherever you are,
With love
AK
~ Change is inevitable, overwhelm is avertible ~
PS: It’s been a few days since I started jotting down my thoughts and drafted this post. This alone was a healing process; I feel calmer, less stressed, and more at peace. Reflecting, acknowledging, putting it in words and out of the mind helps. Leaving you with the hope that this helped not only me but also some of you out there! Thank you for being part of my journey of life!
