Finding Closure Without a Closure

Finding Closure without a closure

As the year ends, it’s the season again – we come together to connect, celebrate, cheer, and share the love. For many, this is a season of joy and togetherness. But let’s not overlook those for whom this time is challenging, whether due to complex family dynamics, unresolved conflicts, grief, loss, or distance. And for those living abroad, these emotions can feel even more overwhelming.

This post is for anyone navigating through complex emotions. It’s also a 2024 reflection of my journey through grief, healing, and finding peace in the face of unanswered questions.

When we hear the word grief, we often think of death, but grief is far more. It can come from the loss of a connection, a relationship, a place, a phase of life, or our health. It’s the emotional response to losing something very meaningful.

I have been dealing with various grief issues throughout this year. End of 2023 my mum passed away, and by now all our parents / the kids’ grandparents have passed. And while my relationship with my mum has been a complicated one since my dad’s passing almost 11 years ago her passing left me with a lot to untangle, digest, and come to terms with. 

What came with it all was as well to realise that the final slimmer of hope of “perhaps she did see and understand me” but couldn’t share it with me while she still could, died too. The finality of it all – along with the fading hope that maybe, just maybe, there was still something more between us – was a difficult reality to face. All this left me feeling torn in a big emotional tug of war.

Amongst it all I lost as well the connection to my own childhood memories and the place that gave me roots. And the hope that my own children would have that connection too. After all, with the life we live, that location was the only constant and base they had so far in their lives.

We all make mistakes and I am far from perfect myself. But, I believe that if she had been honest with me, it would have hurt—there’s no doubt about that. But at least I would have had an explanation, a chance to process, accept, and have a conversation about it. I tried several times but it was ignored. What pains me the most now is not just that she chose not to address certain things, when we had the chance, but that she lied by keeping the truth from me for years.

Still, I have to trust that she had her reasons, even if I’ll never fully understand them. My focus now is finding peace with it, letting it go, and releasing it with love.

And that leaves me to the blog topic, 

Finding closure without ever getting a closure.  

So yes, this year was an emotional rollercoaster ride, not only because of the above but other things happening out my my control, too. It was filled with overwhelming moments. I am still not done with it all, but the ride slowed down significantly.

But I want to share my “toolbox”, what helped me along the process in the hope that you can get some closure, or onto the path of closure, if needed, too. These “tools’ are in no particular order or sequence, but depend on my mood, strength, and emotions.

• Acknowledge not getting clear answers
  Perhaps the hardest part was accepting that I would never have clear answers to the questions that haunted me. To acknowledge that I will not get clear answers, Some things simply aren’t meant to be understood. For someone like me, who seeks clarity and meaning, this was a difficult truth to come to terms with.
• Acceptance from within
  With this came another understanding and acceptance, and that is that the acceptance can only happen from within myself. I had to remind myself that closure is not something I can always get from others. The answers I long for in this case will never come and I will have to be okay with that. What matters now is how I move forward, and create space and time for my healing, without judgment and time restrictions. 

I had to dig deep and ask myself what I needed to feel to come to peace with all this. 

• Allowing Myself to Feel
  I learned to ride all the feelings and emotions rather than resist them, or label them as inappropriate, or not acceptable, which can easily happen when it comes to family issues. For me, this was a rollercoaster ride in itself, I went inwards, I had support from a grief coach, and I spoke to friends.
• Leaning in
  I reached the point where I was able to lean into all the emotions that came with it. I stopped burying and hiding them, but lived them, the highs and the lows. The fear, sadness, shame, frustration, hate, despair, disappointment, loneliness, betrayal, guilt, regret, anger… and that was such a relief.

It’s the NOT letting out those emotions and feelings (!!! in a healthy and safe way!!!) that drags us down even more. Leaning into what comes up, acknowledging them, naming them, rather than resisting them will ease the power they have on us and will eventually give space for something better, something lighter. After all, we are allowed to feel what we feel – and to heal from grief, grief needs to be felt! 

• Finding a new perspective
  I took (and still take) my time to work with ALL the emotions (the ones that came with grief, mixed with all the love and care and good memories). I came to the point to start to reframing it all. I started to look at what happened with a more leveled emotion so that I could move forward with more strength. I still feel the pain of all that is lost and could’ve been and I won’t rush it. It’s a process, but the waves in which the pain and hurt comes is less. 
• Releasing the weight
  Another way to take away that pressure and pain when it all felt too much was to write it down. I wrote letters, then burned them, releasing it all. Not to destroy the memories, but to release the emotional weight that was still attached to them and to stop that spinning mind. It was a symbolic act of letting go, of trying to control what I couldn’t change. 
• Going inward
  I mentioned before, that I went inward, so I meditated, practiced mindfulness, went back and forth between vigorous to calmer exercising, giving more space for myself on days when needed. 
• Setting boundaries – for myself not against others
  Giving space for myself, now that leads me to boundary-setting! Not always easy, no! But, when we set boundaries, we do set them for ourselves, not against others. So looking at it that way it’s a way of self-care! 

It’s my way of honoring my needs, values, and emotional health. And as I continue this grief journey, I’m accepting that healing takes time – and that’s okay. There is no perfect way to grieve, no deadline for moving on. What matters is that we’re gentle with ourselves, taking each step as it comes.

Amongst it all I learned as well that quite a few do not want to / or can’t talk about grief – no matter what sort of grief – “it’s over, time to move forward / let it go, nothing you can change now anyway / who knows, it might be for the better / there is something to be learned in there / at least you have clarity ” are phrases that might sound helpful but towards a person in the midst of grief, it takes away the space to openly talk, express and live the emotions that come along with it. And it often leads the grieving person to close down and see a fault within themselves. And that in turn can bring up a whole different layer of emotions to the already overwhelming feeling of grief! And that sucks!

• Time and space to feel
  But by time even that realization helped me. It got me back to the “not waiting for external validation/understanding” but to work with grief for myself. After all, grief is not something to ‘get over’; it’s a process to move through. Allow yourself the time and space to feel  – without judgment but with kindness and patience.

While this post might have started heavier, I hope it leaves you lighter – knowing you will get through this and that you are not alone! The world can sometimes feel filled with people who have it all together, especially during this glittering holiday season. But many of us are struggling, often silently.

While some ways and practices allow us to deal with all this alone, I found getting external support, and guidance helpful, too. I got a different perspective, a space to talk openly, and at times a reality check. So, don’t shy away from reaching out to a grief coach, therapist, or other person of trust when you feel overwhelmed and alone in it all. While I’m not a grief coach, I’m here for you too, to help you release overwhelm. You can reach me here.

And my wish is that I make 
you see that you are not alone, 
you are not the odd one out, 
you will get through this, 
whether you decide to go the way on your own or ask for help
– you got this!

Take it as a reminder that even in the face of uncertainty and unresolved emotions, we will navigate this journey. 
Life’s rollercoaster may be unpredictable, but it’s one we can learn to ride!

Here is to finding our ease in the rollercoaster of life. 

Love
AK 

(*) And by ending this blog, I found my word for 2025! I was playing around with a few words these past weeks but nothing clicked, no word gave me that excitement that should come along with it, until just now as I ended this blog – my word/phrase for 2025 will be “I got this!” 
What this word will mean to me in detail, stay tuned. All I know right now is that my head is spinning with excitement and my heart feels warm, as I let the words sink in!
Do you have a word for 202? If so, I’d love to hear it!