You are one day shy of 2 years, 4 months old. You no longer want to sit on my lap and rock during story time. You don't want to fall asleep on my shoulder anymore. You barely sit still for a minute these days, and while I love watching everything you do, seeing everything you learn, and playing blocks with you, I miss your baby-ness. I miss that little guy who was such a great roller, that you got places faster by rolling than by crawling. I miss you snuggling up with me and wanting me to hold you all the time. I miss the first week of daycare when you would cling to me the moment I walked in the door from work, laying your head on my shoulder and staying there until you were fast asleep for the night.
You are such an amazing little boy. You are smart, funny, fiesty, and loving. You want to be a chef when you grow up, at least today you do, and you are always making pretend hot chocolate. You love playing Dr. Griffin and giving Daddy and your toys check ups. You can throw a tantrum louder and longer than any other kid I know. You love to dance.
In my haste to work, get food on the table, clean and sleep, I sometimes forget just how quickly you are growing. I will try my very hardest to soak up each evening by being with you, not just near you. I feel your years are slipping by already. I want to pause you for a bit - not to keep you in perpetual toddlerhood, but simply to give myself more time to enjoy you right here, right now. Why, oh why must time march on so fast?
You are the light of my life.
Love,
Mommy
Friday, March 8, 2013
Monday, November 26, 2012
Quick Update
I just realized that I haven't updated this in almost 4 months. Forgive me. I am not Superwoman. Here's the rundown:
- Working a lot. Trying to find clients. Not easy stuff here. Any ideas that doesn't involve print advertising, cold calls or anything that would have to be approved by compliance would be extremely appreciated.
- Griffin is 2. TWO. 2 years old. What the hell happened to the time?
- Griffin is generally in perfect health. 3 feet tall, 28 lbs., smart as a whip, terrible twos are very much in play.
- I say generally perfect health b/c he has another ear infection (green snot coming out of one of his ears! ack!). The ear that is draining has the tube still in place. The other does not and therefore is not draining. 2 weeks with oral antibiotics and antibiotic ear drops for the still-tubed ear and then we see the ENT again. He will probably end up getting a new set of tubes.
- Thanksgiving was good.
- Bryan is finally moving passed the intense grief of losing his dad so suddenly this summer. His dad's ashes were buried at the end of September. Since then B's been able to heal a good bit. I'm slowly getting my sweet hubby back.
- I'm tired. I have bronchitis. And insomnia. The latter may bode well for blog updates, but don't hold me to that.
- Still too fat, but no time or energy to effectively plan meals and work out, so that's not going anywhere.
- Feel like my dream of having another baby is slowly slipping away. We'll see, though. And I'm perfectly content with my Wee Man G, I'd just really like him to have a sibling. I think he would like that too.
- Still searching for direction for the blog. Probably why I don't update often. Anything you all want me to write about?
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Waiting and Weighing
It's amazing to me how so much can happen when life stands still. Not activities, but...well, it's hard to explain. If you read my last post, you'll know that there was a week or so that was so full of crap that my head was spinning. All that is done now. There are still a few things going on here and there, but for the most part it's sleep, work, sleep, work, repeat. It's not much so why am I feeling so overwhelmed? .
Waiting
I'm waiting. Always waiting. Waiting for the family to finally pick a date for my father in law's funeral. He was cremated and will be buried in his home town, which we will have to fly to. He died almost a month ago and no date has been set. In fact, only a couple days ago did anyone even call the cemetery to see if there was space for him. Waiting for Bryan to go back to work when school starts again and waiting for him to break out of his funk. I know that will take awhile, but I think work will help some. It will give him something else to do instead of obsessively playing video games and sleeping. Waiting for time to really concentrate on building my business. I'm trying my hardest to make time, but I'm also still functioning as an assistant to an advisor managing about $30 million in assets, so it's a bit busy. Waiting for the code red heat to be over with so I can take Griff outside to play. With his asthma, it's hard to let him go running about out in poor air quality. The last thing I want to do is spark another asthma attack. Waiting for our finances to be in good enough shape to move. Waiting to move to have another baby.
Weighing
No, this is not about my physical weight. There are things that are just weighing down on me. The finances/house is minor in the grand scheme of things, but another baby is not. I've had baby fever since Griff was about 8 months or so old. It's kicking into high gear. I can see the ultrasound screen with that little bean sprout's heartbeat fluttering away. I can imagine wondering "boy? girl?" and looking at Chinese gender prediction calendars and old wives' tales. I can envision snuggling up in bed with Griffin to watch a movie and have some time together since I won't be running around with a cerclage in. And then I'm snapped back to reality. My uterus empty, my heart aching.
Why is this suddenly so acute? Perhaps it's just "time" for my clock to start ticking again. What did I do before when this would happen? I try to remember. I remember years of longing to be a mother - even before Bryan and I met. Long, aching years hoping beyond hope that somehow I would magically become a mother. I dove headlong into relationships back then, not caring so much about my future with that person. Rather I secretly hoped that things would get intimate and I would accidentally get pregnant. Only when I gave up did I actually meet the love of my life. But what did I do after we married? It was hard. We said we wanted to wait until after our 1st anniversary to try. We were flat broke after the wedding and move. When we got home from our honeymoon, we found out our good friends were unexpectedly expecting. I was giddy with excitement for them! They had their baby and she was sweet as could be. I loved holding her and letting her sleep on me. She seemed to enjoy it too. And every time I drove home my heart ached more.
So what exactly did I do to make it through? I worked, sure. I slept, of course. I'm doing both of those things now. What's so different this time? It finally hit me last night. Bryan. Bryan is different this time. Not this whole time, but recently. Bryan is grieving so hard that he is detached from me. He seems to get further and further away with each passing day, and my heart breaks a little more. For him. For me. For us. And so I circle back to waiting. Waiting for the dark cloud to lift from Bryan. Waiting for the day when I lay next to him and feel he is connected to me again. Waiting for our ducks to finally get in their row. Waiting. Always waiting.
Waiting
I'm waiting. Always waiting. Waiting for the family to finally pick a date for my father in law's funeral. He was cremated and will be buried in his home town, which we will have to fly to. He died almost a month ago and no date has been set. In fact, only a couple days ago did anyone even call the cemetery to see if there was space for him. Waiting for Bryan to go back to work when school starts again and waiting for him to break out of his funk. I know that will take awhile, but I think work will help some. It will give him something else to do instead of obsessively playing video games and sleeping. Waiting for time to really concentrate on building my business. I'm trying my hardest to make time, but I'm also still functioning as an assistant to an advisor managing about $30 million in assets, so it's a bit busy. Waiting for the code red heat to be over with so I can take Griff outside to play. With his asthma, it's hard to let him go running about out in poor air quality. The last thing I want to do is spark another asthma attack. Waiting for our finances to be in good enough shape to move. Waiting to move to have another baby.
Weighing
No, this is not about my physical weight. There are things that are just weighing down on me. The finances/house is minor in the grand scheme of things, but another baby is not. I've had baby fever since Griff was about 8 months or so old. It's kicking into high gear. I can see the ultrasound screen with that little bean sprout's heartbeat fluttering away. I can imagine wondering "boy? girl?" and looking at Chinese gender prediction calendars and old wives' tales. I can envision snuggling up in bed with Griffin to watch a movie and have some time together since I won't be running around with a cerclage in. And then I'm snapped back to reality. My uterus empty, my heart aching.
Why is this suddenly so acute? Perhaps it's just "time" for my clock to start ticking again. What did I do before when this would happen? I try to remember. I remember years of longing to be a mother - even before Bryan and I met. Long, aching years hoping beyond hope that somehow I would magically become a mother. I dove headlong into relationships back then, not caring so much about my future with that person. Rather I secretly hoped that things would get intimate and I would accidentally get pregnant. Only when I gave up did I actually meet the love of my life. But what did I do after we married? It was hard. We said we wanted to wait until after our 1st anniversary to try. We were flat broke after the wedding and move. When we got home from our honeymoon, we found out our good friends were unexpectedly expecting. I was giddy with excitement for them! They had their baby and she was sweet as could be. I loved holding her and letting her sleep on me. She seemed to enjoy it too. And every time I drove home my heart ached more.
So what exactly did I do to make it through? I worked, sure. I slept, of course. I'm doing both of those things now. What's so different this time? It finally hit me last night. Bryan. Bryan is different this time. Not this whole time, but recently. Bryan is grieving so hard that he is detached from me. He seems to get further and further away with each passing day, and my heart breaks a little more. For him. For me. For us. And so I circle back to waiting. Waiting for the dark cloud to lift from Bryan. Waiting for the day when I lay next to him and feel he is connected to me again. Waiting for our ducks to finally get in their row. Waiting. Always waiting.
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