Quick Update

I just realized that I haven't updated this in almost 4 months. Forgive me. I am not Superwoman. Here's the rundown:

• Working a lot. Trying to find clients. Not easy stuff here. Any ideas that doesn't involve print advertising, cold calls or anything that would have to be approved by compliance would be extremely appreciated.
• Griffin is 2. TWO. 2 years old. What the hell happened to the time?
• Griffin is generally in perfect health. 3 feet tall, 28 lbs., smart as a whip, terrible twos are very much in play.
• I say generally perfect health b/c he has another ear infection (green snot coming out of one of his ears! ack!). The ear that is draining has the tube still in place. The other does not and therefore is not draining. 2 weeks with oral antibiotics and antibiotic ear drops for the still-tubed ear and then we see the ENT again. He will probably end up getting a new set of tubes.
• Thanksgiving was good.
• Bryan is finally moving passed the intense grief of losing his dad so suddenly this summer. His dad's ashes were buried at the end of September. Since then B's been able to heal a good bit. I'm slowly getting my sweet hubby back.
• I'm tired. I have bronchitis. And insomnia. The latter may bode well for blog updates, but don't hold me to that.
• Still too fat, but no time or energy to effectively plan meals and work out, so that's not going anywhere.
• Feel like my dream of having another baby is slowly slipping away. We'll see, though. And I'm perfectly content with my Wee Man G, I'd just really like him to have a sibling. I think he would like that too.
• Still searching for direction for the blog. Probably why I don't update often. Anything you all want me to write about?

If I don't get a chance to update again this year, have a safe and happy holiday season! Hug your family and friends, roll your eyes at the crap that inevitably comes around during family get togethers, give a little something to someone in need, and be joyous for all your life is and may be next year.

Waiting and Weighing

It's amazing to me how so much can happen when life stands still. Not activities, but...well, it's hard to explain. If you read my last post, you'll know that there was a week or so that was so full of crap that my head was spinning. All that is done now. There are still a few things going on here and there, but for the most part it's sleep, work, sleep, work, repeat. It's not much so why am I feeling so overwhelmed? .

Waiting
I'm waiting. Always waiting. Waiting for the family to finally pick a date for my father in law's funeral. He was cremated and will be buried in his home town, which we will have to fly to. He died almost a month ago and no date has been set. In fact, only a couple days ago did anyone even call the cemetery to see if there was space for him. Waiting for Bryan to go back to work when school starts again and waiting for him to break out of his funk. I know that will take awhile, but I think work will help some. It will give him something else to do instead of obsessively playing video games and sleeping. Waiting for time to really concentrate on building my business. I'm trying my hardest to make time, but I'm also still functioning as an assistant to an advisor managing about $30 million in assets, so it's a bit busy. Waiting for the code red heat to be over with so I can take Griff outside to play. With his asthma, it's hard to let him go running about out in poor air quality. The last thing I want to do is spark another asthma attack. Waiting for our finances to be in good enough shape to move. Waiting to move to have another baby.

Weighing
No, this is not about my physical weight. There are things that are just weighing down on me. The finances/house is minor in the grand scheme of things, but another baby is not. I've had baby fever since Griff was about 8 months or so old. It's kicking into high gear. I can see the ultrasound screen with that little bean sprout's heartbeat fluttering away. I can imagine wondering "boy? girl?" and looking at Chinese gender prediction calendars and old wives' tales. I can envision snuggling up in bed with Griffin to watch a movie and have some time together since I won't be running around with a cerclage in. And then I'm snapped back to reality. My uterus empty, my heart aching.

Why is this suddenly so acute? Perhaps it's just "time" for my clock to start ticking again. What did I do before when this would happen? I try to remember. I remember years of longing to be a mother - even before Bryan and I met. Long, aching years hoping beyond hope that somehow I would magically become a mother. I dove headlong into relationships back then, not caring so much about my future with that person. Rather I secretly hoped that things would get intimate and I would accidentally get pregnant. Only when I gave up did I actually meet the love of my life. But what did I do after we married? It was hard. We said we wanted to wait until after our 1st anniversary to try. We were flat broke after the wedding and move. When we got home from our honeymoon, we found out our good friends were unexpectedly expecting. I was giddy with excitement for them! They had their baby and she was sweet as could be. I loved holding her and letting her sleep on me. She seemed to enjoy it too. And every time I drove home my heart ached more.

So what exactly did I do to make it through? I worked, sure. I slept, of course. I'm doing both of those things now. What's so different this time? It finally hit me last night. Bryan. Bryan is different this time. Not this whole time, but recently. Bryan is grieving so hard that he is detached from me. He seems to get further and further away with each passing day, and my heart breaks a little more. For him. For me. For us. And so I circle back to waiting. Waiting for the dark cloud to lift from Bryan. Waiting for the day when I lay next to him and feel he is connected to me again. Waiting for our ducks to finally get in their row. Waiting. Always waiting.

So Many Things...

There is so much going on in my life right now - it's making my head spin!  Well, ok, really it's just a few things that acutally happened/need to happen, but the lack of planning on some of it is driving me batty. Let me take you back a few weeks to probably the roughest 8 days I've had in a long, long time.

July 3rd, evening. Bryan was out gaming at his buddy's house. Griffin was sleeping peacefully. I was writhing in pain with back to back gallbladder attacks. Almost went to the ER, but I couldn't get Bryan on the phone (cell phone reception where he was is awful - especially since they are replacing the towers so what little service there was is even spottier), so I couldn't just leave Griffin sleeping. By the time he got home, we both figured it would be over by the time I would be seen in the ER, so I dealt with it for another hour or so and then slept. While I was falling asleep, I noticed my throat hurt.

July 4th, trip to urgent care. I went to the local urgent care place because I was feeling worse and worse, though my gallbladder wasn't too bad. It was annoyingly full feeling, but no pain. My throat was still hurting, I was starting to run a mild fever (up to 100.4) and I just felt sick in general. They ran blood work, urine and a strep test. All came back fine. They gave me an Rx for an ultrasound of the upper abdomen and sent me on my way. By the time I got home, the fever was gone and while my throat still hurt, I didn't feel near as bad. I did take a nice long nap though.

July 5th, ultrasound. Ultrasound comes back positive for gallstones, with the added feature of fatty liver. thanks PCOS. Just want I needed. More crap to deal with. Called and set up appointment with primary care doc.

July 6th. Hands feel all weird and tingly. Later that night, feet feel funny too.

July 7th. Spots on hands, feet and major ones in my mouth & throat. Great. I have hand, foot & mouth disease. Lovely.

July 9th - 12th,  test prep class for the Series 7.

July 11th, during class. My cell phone rang and it came up as "blocked caller." I thought that was odd so I answered it since we were on break from class. It was the Sheriff's office. My father in law had been found dead in his apartment. My number was the only one they could find that worked (Bryan's number was written down wrong). I had to call Bryan and tell him. It was horrible. His dad had just turned 65 and died of apparent natural causes.

July 13th, Series 7 exam. Kicked it's ass. The average score is 73% (72% is passing). I got an 85%. I still feel like Hermione Granger.

Since then, we've been working on getting FIL's apartment cleaned out and making arrangements. Well, not really making many arrangements. No one has decided when the funeral will be. FIL was cremated here and will be taken home to Wisconsin where he was born and buried with his mother, who he lost when he was only 19. Tenative plans were discussed. Nothing is set. The weekend they tenatively set is Aug 18th & 19th. I was called for jury duty on the 17th. I don't want to postpone jury duty until I know what is going on, because with my luck I'll reschedule it and they will reschedule the funeral for that weekend. Plus I have to schedule my surgery, someone to watch Griffin the weekend of the funeral, a memorial here for his friends who really want one, finish cleaning out the FIL's apartment and attend both my MIL and step-FIL's 25th anniversary weekend and my mom's retirement dinner (which are happening on the same weekend in different states). All this while working full+ time (full time for my boss while trying to start my own branch of the practice) and being mommy. Is it any wonder I'm exhausted?

Baby fever is running high, but I'm doing my best to supress it because that just can't happen for another year or two. Also, I'm not ready for my Wee Man G to grow up and he seems to be growing at an exponential rate. New words, games, songs, abilities, imagination every single day. Why does life have to move so fast?

Love this!

All the mommies and daddies out there need to read this blog. Flippin' hilarious!

Hope all is well with everyone. I'm plugging away studying and getting ready for my stockbroker's license exam next Friday. Ack! Only one week left! WTF am I doing blogging when I should be studying???  ;)

Welcome Home

It's taken three years, but we finally brought our first born babies home today. Their memory boxes and certificates have been with our close friends since the night they were born. Bryan couldn't handle having them around, but I talked to him last weekend and he agreed we could bring them home.

 The hospital did such a beautiful job on the boxes. They are greenish blue silk tied with ribbon. They did ink prints (4 sets each!) plus clay prints. What really got me though were the little hats, blankets and most of all, gowns they took Wally and Liz's pictures in. Not all of the blankets and hats were used, but the gowns were. Wally's even has some dried blood on it. I know that's kinda gross, but that's proof to me that he wore the gown. I looked through everything and then put it all back in their boxes. Then I broke down and just cried and hugged the boxes.

People seem to think that since we have Griffin now, the pain of losing Wally and Liz is erased. While trying to keep up with a toddler certainly doesn't give much time to dwell on the past, the pain is still there. Not as intense as it once was, but still very much there.

Three Years...

Happy Birthday, my sweet Wally and Liz!  Three years ago I met you and my life has been forever changed. Thank you for coming into my life. I'll hold you close in my heart until I can hold you in my arms once again.

Three years ago I promised you I would write their birth story. It's long overdue, but here it is.

-   -   -   -   -   -   -

I was always in sick and L&D - UTIs, etc. About a month before they were born, I was in the hospital overnight after peeing blood. They never found a definitive cause, but I know it was a kidney stone. Towards the end, I was in there every 2-3 days. Everyone knew us there.

Two days before they were born, I got home from work, sat down to pee and noticed a glob of stickier-than-hair-gel gel-like snot in my underwear. It was greyish brown and gross. I wiped, scraped that crud off of them, took them off and stood up. Then I noticed more of it on the floor, so I bent down and wiped that up. When I stood up I saw more had come out while I was squatting. I immediately went to L&D and they said everything was fine. They did an u/s and the babies were fine and fighting each other as normal. Then they did an internal check and the PA thought she felt a nodule on my cervix. She had a little bit of the snot stuff on her glove after that and she said not to worry about it, and when she checked again after that, she couldn't feel the nodule anymore and figured it was the snot stuff that she felt. I kept telling her and eveyrone else that it was my mucous plug, but no one believed me. After all, I was the crazy lady who they sent home every few days!

That was a Monday. Fast forward to early Wednesday morning. Around 4am I woke up with horrible pain on the right side of my back that would move forward to my belly. It was only on one side, but had be doubled over. I was also feeling some pressure on my cervix. I went back to L&D. They didn't do an u/s but they listened with the doppler. They had the doppler wand all the way down to the hairline, which I felt was awfully low, but they were unconcerned. I was sent home yet again. Bryan went to work, I got in bed to nap. I woke up around 11 and turned the tv on - The Price is Right! At 11:30 I was laying on my side dozing when I felt a pop and gush. I jumped out of bed and into the bathroom as quickly as possible knowing that my water had just broken. In the bathroom I saw it was also pink. I towled off and called the doctor to tell them what happened and that I was on my way. I wasn't having any contractions, I couldn't get Bryan on the phone and I didn't think I could wait for an ambulance, so I drove myself as fast as traffic would allow. I parked the car and when I stood up, I felt another pop and gush - the second bag of water, I assume. I walked in with pink water dripping down my legs while calling my mother. I had gotten Bryan on the phone as I was leaving the garage. He drove extremely fast and I saw him drive in as I was walking down the hill from the parking garage. I remember it was disgustingly hot and sticky out that day and all I wanted to do was get inside, but my jean shorts were sticking to my legs from the amniotic fluid and rubbing, so I was walking slowly and like a bow-legged cowboy.

Once we got into a triage room, I told the PA that I had had 2 days earlier that my water had broken. She didn't believe me. I told her I felt a pop and gush. Her response was "Well, IF you felt a pop and gush it could be bad, but we'll see." Then she checked me and said my cervix was hard and closed, but that that nodule was back. She called the other PA into the room to take a look because she couldn't figure out what it was. Bryan was right by my side holding my hand. The other PA took a look and told the nurse to get my doctor. The stupid PA kept asking "What is it? Is it a nodule?" whereas the other PA was obviously uncomfortable and waiting for the doc. Finally she said the words I'll never forget: "It's a foot." After that, Bryan was wailing in my ear, so I have no idea what was said, but my doctor came in and told me I had to deliver both because at 18 weeks it was just too dangerous to try to continue the pregnancy.

As I was being rolled down the hall to a delivery room, I could feel little legs come out - only knowing they were legs b/c of the foot coming first. Bryan went and called our families and his best friend. When he came back into the room, the doctor had me give 3 little pushes and Wally was born. Then she put two tablets of something up there to get my cervix to open and hopefully start labor, and then she had to go back across the hospital to her office to take care of her waiting patients figuring she would be there with me all night and into the next day before I delivered baby #2.

Our families and some of our friends came by to sit with us while we waited. They weren't there long when I finally felt a cramp on my right side. My one friend said "I've been watching the screen and I was wondering when you'd feel something!" It seemed like less than a minute later I felt another cramp and felt something come out. I asked everyone to leave and had the nurse check. Sure enough, there was a head! She called the doctor to come back and by the time she came back over to me, I had had one more cramp and sweet baby Liz was out. After the nurse told us it was a girl, she said "Wow, she's hot!" The doctor got there and agreed that Liz was extremely warm and most likely had a fever, which indicated that there was an infection behind all of this.

After we had some time, the nurses took them and had their pictures done as well as handprints in ink and in clay. The hospital's chaplain came and Bryan and I alone with he and Wally and Liz had a little blessing service for them. It rained all night long and when we got home the next afternoon, a three week stretch of gorgeous weather started - mid 70s, no humidity, bright sunshine. I've always thought it was a little gift from them to help me through. I spent most of those 3 weeks out on my balcony reading, crying and praying.

Later on, my doctor told me that she was shocked that I had delivered Liz so quickly even given the infection. She said that with the second twin, it usually takes a long and hard labor to deliver. That's how she diagnosed the incompetent cervix. She said that while the infection sparked it that day, the incompetent cervix sped things along. The infection came back from pathology as "normal vaginal flora," so it was nothing that could have really been eradicated by antibiotics, however I probably carried them longer than I should have because I had been so sick with things and on and off antibiotics, which probably lessened the infection temporarily. From what we've read, had we gone to term Liz probably would have been severely handicapped due to developing with an infection. While that possibility would never have made me decide to not try to carry them, it did bring me a bit of comfort that she may have been spared a lifetime of pain.

What I think happened is this: Liz was sick and because of that, her sac broke. She fell on top of Wally, who was lower and closer to my cervix, and that pressure combined with my weak cervix pushed his foot out and cause his sac to break. Then out they came. One other thing I will note is that Wally had passed before he was born, but Liz had not. As the nurse gave her to me to hold after cutting the cord, she tried to take a breath and then was still.

New pictures

He has no idea that I've got the camera...

Now he does!

One of his school pictures. Of course he has Teddy with him!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

And another thank you to everyone who donated, supported, wished me luck, etc in the March for Babies. Team Wally and Liz raised over $700! Great work, team!  Next year, let's kick even more butt!

As for the rest of life...well, it's busy to say the least. Here's a quick rundown

Griffin:

• Got tubes
• Talks non-stop
• Still won't sleep through the freaking night
• Running, playing, laughing, singing and using his imagination
• Too skinny - percentiles dropped, so we go back to the doc at the end of June for a re-weigh and hope that the changes we've made in habits here at home have done the trick

Bryan:

• Done with his last class for his master's
• Starting his internship in about 3 weeks
• Still working full time and tutoring one night a week

Me:

• Tired
• Much too heavy still
• Running the office at work
• Doing most of the work at work
• Studying for licensing exam
• Creating business and marketing plan
• Networking
• Getting ready to launch my side of the business at work once the licensing exams are complete
• Will be going back to school (self-study program) next year - 6 classes, then sitting for the CFP designation exam
• Somehow finding time to grocery shop, cook (occasionally), clean (rarely) and keep up with the bills (while sitting on hold with insurance companies at work).
• Took a sewing class
• Still volunteering for RESOLVE
• Did I mention I'm tired?

So that's life in a nutshell. I know I haven't been updating much recently. Aside from being uber-busy, I just don't know what direction to take my blog in. There's only so much "look at these new pics of Griffin because he's just that cute!" that you all can take. If you have anything you would like me to blog about, please do tell! Eventually we will try for another baby, but that's a year or two off still, so...yeah...kinda at a loss here.

Until the next post...whenever that may be!

New Pics & Defined Goals

First, since this blog was originally about makin' babies, I will post a couple of the latest pics from the fruits of that labor (not pics of makin' the baby, please don't shudder in fear. I'm postin pics of the baby who's not very baby-ish anymore). Those pics will be at the bottom in a hope to entice you to read the rest of this post.

New Defined Goals. What is that? Just what it sounds like. Not new goals, per se, but moreso newly defined goals. Just saying I want this, I want that, doesn't make a goal. So, here we go...

Goal #1:
Goal: Lose weight.
Target Date: Summer 2013
Specifics: Lose 76 pounds.
Tools Currently Being Used: Weight Watchers online. Signed up today. Reading the new plan today and starting tomorrow. NO EXCUSES, KATE!

Goal #2:
Goal: Take over business from boss. Boss is on a 3 year plan as of last year.
Target Date: January 2015
Specifics: Get licenses (Series 7, 66)
Tools Being Currently Used: Series 7 Book, Study Guides, self-made flash cards, CD of practice tests.

Please help hold me accountable for BOTH of these goals! And now, the pics.

Cheezin' with Teddy.

Mommy's Little Love!

A Boy and His Bear.

Happy (late) New Year!

I have no resolutions this year. Just the same ol', same ol'. But I will bring you all up to date on the happenings of my life.

First, I'm posting this from my brand new iPhone! It's the old model, a 3GS, but I purposely waited until the 4 came out so that I could upgrade my crap phone to an iPhone for 99 cents. I'm also currently standing outside of the Honda dealership's service center as my beloved Suzie Blue is making funny noises, and unless she morphed into a percolating coffee pot over night, there is something amiss. (Though how cool would it be to have a hybrid car/coffee maker? Get in to go to work, buckle up, turn the ignition and a piping hot cup off coffee appears in the cup holder. I've gotta patent that idea!)

Griffin is getting so big. He's going through a growth spurt and I fear his torso will soon be in size 24 months, while his legs are just now catching up to 18 months. He is walking, talking and learning his colors. Many days, he only wants to use one word though. Thankfully it's not "no". What word then? "Yellow," or more accurately "lellow!" Sometimes that's even his name.

He's sleeping through the night consistently, and we are working on giving up the bottle. He's definitely growing up too fast, but I adore his little personality! He's also doing great at school. I love all the projects he brings home and he even made us a Christmas gift!

In other news, I'm joining a church this coming weekend and just before that, Griffin is being baptized. We are going out for a nice lunch with almost the entire family as well as our friends who also belong to that church. Our friends also happen to be the parents of Griffin's best friend, Tyler.

I got most of the apartment clean, so once I scrub the bathrooms and clean our room & closet, it's time to study for my securities licenses. Eek!!! I WILL pass the exams the first time I take them, and later today, I will officially be signed up to take the first, and most difficult, exam. Wish me luck! And more luck that I don't loose my mind in the process!