It's taken three years, but we finally brought our first born babies home today. Their memory boxes and certificates have been with our close friends since the night they were born. Bryan couldn't handle having them around, but I talked to him last weekend and he agreed we could bring them home.
The hospital did such a beautiful job on the boxes. They are greenish blue silk tied with ribbon. They did ink prints (4 sets each!) plus clay prints. What really got me though were the little hats, blankets and most of all, gowns they took Wally and Liz's pictures in. Not all of the blankets and hats were used, but the gowns were. Wally's even has some dried blood on it. I know that's kinda gross, but that's proof to me that he wore the gown. I looked through everything and then put it all back in their boxes. Then I broke down and just cried and hugged the boxes.
People seem to think that since we have Griffin now, the pain of losing Wally and Liz is erased. While trying to keep up with a toddler certainly doesn't give much time to dwell on the past, the pain is still there. Not as intense as it once was, but still very much there.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Three Years...
Happy Birthday, my sweet Wally and Liz! Three years ago I met you and my life has been forever changed. Thank you for coming into my life. I'll hold you close in my heart until I can hold you in my arms once again.
Three years ago I promised you I would write their birth story. It's long overdue, but here it is.
I was always in sick and L&D - UTIs, etc. About a month before they were born, I was in the hospital overnight after peeing blood. They never found a definitive cause, but I know it was a kidney stone. Towards the end, I was in there every 2-3 days. Everyone knew us there.
Two days before they were born, I got home from work, sat down to pee and noticed a glob of stickier-than-hair-gel gel-like snot in my underwear. It was greyish brown and gross. I wiped, scraped that crud off of them, took them off and stood up. Then I noticed more of it on the floor, so I bent down and wiped that up. When I stood up I saw more had come out while I was squatting. I immediately went to L&D and they said everything was fine. They did an u/s and the babies were fine and fighting each other as normal. Then they did an internal check and the PA thought she felt a nodule on my cervix. She had a little bit of the snot stuff on her glove after that and she said not to worry about it, and when she checked again after that, she couldn't feel the nodule anymore and figured it was the snot stuff that she felt. I kept telling her and eveyrone else that it was my mucous plug, but no one believed me. After all, I was the crazy lady who they sent home every few days!
That was a Monday. Fast forward to early Wednesday morning. Around 4am I woke up with horrible pain on the right side of my back that would move forward to my belly. It was only on one side, but had be doubled over. I was also feeling some pressure on my cervix. I went back to L&D. They didn't do an u/s but they listened with the doppler. They had the doppler wand all the way down to the hairline, which I felt was awfully low, but they were unconcerned. I was sent home yet again. Bryan went to work, I got in bed to nap. I woke up around 11 and turned the tv on - The Price is Right! At 11:30 I was laying on my side dozing when I felt a pop and gush. I jumped out of bed and into the bathroom as quickly as possible knowing that my water had just broken. In the bathroom I saw it was also pink. I towled off and called the doctor to tell them what happened and that I was on my way. I wasn't having any contractions, I couldn't get Bryan on the phone and I didn't think I could wait for an ambulance, so I drove myself as fast as traffic would allow. I parked the car and when I stood up, I felt another pop and gush - the second bag of water, I assume. I walked in with pink water dripping down my legs while calling my mother. I had gotten Bryan on the phone as I was leaving the garage. He drove extremely fast and I saw him drive in as I was walking down the hill from the parking garage. I remember it was disgustingly hot and sticky out that day and all I wanted to do was get inside, but my jean shorts were sticking to my legs from the amniotic fluid and rubbing, so I was walking slowly and like a bow-legged cowboy.
Once we got into a triage room, I told the PA that I had had 2 days earlier that my water had broken. She didn't believe me. I told her I felt a pop and gush. Her response was "Well, IF you felt a pop and gush it could be bad, but we'll see." Then she checked me and said my cervix was hard and closed, but that that nodule was back. She called the other PA into the room to take a look because she couldn't figure out what it was. Bryan was right by my side holding my hand. The other PA took a look and told the nurse to get my doctor. The stupid PA kept asking "What is it? Is it a nodule?" whereas the other PA was obviously uncomfortable and waiting for the doc. Finally she said the words I'll never forget: "It's a foot." After that, Bryan was wailing in my ear, so I have no idea what was said, but my doctor came in and told me I had to deliver both because at 18 weeks it was just too dangerous to try to continue the pregnancy.
As I was being rolled down the hall to a delivery room, I could feel little legs come out - only knowing they were legs b/c of the foot coming first. Bryan went and called our families and his best friend. When he came back into the room, the doctor had me give 3 little pushes and Wally was born. Then she put two tablets of something up there to get my cervix to open and hopefully start labor, and then she had to go back across the hospital to her office to take care of her waiting patients figuring she would be there with me all night and into the next day before I delivered baby #2.
Our families and some of our friends came by to sit with us while we waited. They weren't there long when I finally felt a cramp on my right side. My one friend said "I've been watching the screen and I was wondering when you'd feel something!" It seemed like less than a minute later I felt another cramp and felt something come out. I asked everyone to leave and had the nurse check. Sure enough, there was a head! She called the doctor to come back and by the time she came back over to me, I had had one more cramp and sweet baby Liz was out. After the nurse told us it was a girl, she said "Wow, she's hot!" The doctor got there and agreed that Liz was extremely warm and most likely had a fever, which indicated that there was an infection behind all of this.
After we had some time, the nurses took them and had their pictures done as well as handprints in ink and in clay. The hospital's chaplain came and Bryan and I alone with he and Wally and Liz had a little blessing service for them. It rained all night long and when we got home the next afternoon, a three week stretch of gorgeous weather started - mid 70s, no humidity, bright sunshine. I've always thought it was a little gift from them to help me through. I spent most of those 3 weeks out on my balcony reading, crying and praying.
Later on, my doctor told me that she was shocked that I had delivered Liz so quickly even given the infection. She said that with the second twin, it usually takes a long and hard labor to deliver. That's how she diagnosed the incompetent cervix. She said that while the infection sparked it that day, the incompetent cervix sped things along. The infection came back from pathology as "normal vaginal flora," so it was nothing that could have really been eradicated by antibiotics, however I probably carried them longer than I should have because I had been so sick with things and on and off antibiotics, which probably lessened the infection temporarily. From what we've read, had we gone to term Liz probably would have been severely handicapped due to developing with an infection. While that possibility would never have made me decide to not try to carry them, it did bring me a bit of comfort that she may have been spared a lifetime of pain.
What I think happened is this: Liz was sick and because of that, her sac broke. She fell on top of Wally, who was lower and closer to my cervix, and that pressure combined with my weak cervix pushed his foot out and cause his sac to break. Then out they came. One other thing I will note is that Wally had passed before he was born, but Liz had not. As the nurse gave her to me to hold after cutting the cord, she tried to take a breath and then was still.
Three years ago I promised you I would write their birth story. It's long overdue, but here it is.
- - - - - - -
I was always in sick and L&D - UTIs, etc. About a month before they were born, I was in the hospital overnight after peeing blood. They never found a definitive cause, but I know it was a kidney stone. Towards the end, I was in there every 2-3 days. Everyone knew us there.
Two days before they were born, I got home from work, sat down to pee and noticed a glob of stickier-than-hair-gel gel-like snot in my underwear. It was greyish brown and gross. I wiped, scraped that crud off of them, took them off and stood up. Then I noticed more of it on the floor, so I bent down and wiped that up. When I stood up I saw more had come out while I was squatting. I immediately went to L&D and they said everything was fine. They did an u/s and the babies were fine and fighting each other as normal. Then they did an internal check and the PA thought she felt a nodule on my cervix. She had a little bit of the snot stuff on her glove after that and she said not to worry about it, and when she checked again after that, she couldn't feel the nodule anymore and figured it was the snot stuff that she felt. I kept telling her and eveyrone else that it was my mucous plug, but no one believed me. After all, I was the crazy lady who they sent home every few days!
That was a Monday. Fast forward to early Wednesday morning. Around 4am I woke up with horrible pain on the right side of my back that would move forward to my belly. It was only on one side, but had be doubled over. I was also feeling some pressure on my cervix. I went back to L&D. They didn't do an u/s but they listened with the doppler. They had the doppler wand all the way down to the hairline, which I felt was awfully low, but they were unconcerned. I was sent home yet again. Bryan went to work, I got in bed to nap. I woke up around 11 and turned the tv on - The Price is Right! At 11:30 I was laying on my side dozing when I felt a pop and gush. I jumped out of bed and into the bathroom as quickly as possible knowing that my water had just broken. In the bathroom I saw it was also pink. I towled off and called the doctor to tell them what happened and that I was on my way. I wasn't having any contractions, I couldn't get Bryan on the phone and I didn't think I could wait for an ambulance, so I drove myself as fast as traffic would allow. I parked the car and when I stood up, I felt another pop and gush - the second bag of water, I assume. I walked in with pink water dripping down my legs while calling my mother. I had gotten Bryan on the phone as I was leaving the garage. He drove extremely fast and I saw him drive in as I was walking down the hill from the parking garage. I remember it was disgustingly hot and sticky out that day and all I wanted to do was get inside, but my jean shorts were sticking to my legs from the amniotic fluid and rubbing, so I was walking slowly and like a bow-legged cowboy.
Once we got into a triage room, I told the PA that I had had 2 days earlier that my water had broken. She didn't believe me. I told her I felt a pop and gush. Her response was "Well, IF you felt a pop and gush it could be bad, but we'll see." Then she checked me and said my cervix was hard and closed, but that that nodule was back. She called the other PA into the room to take a look because she couldn't figure out what it was. Bryan was right by my side holding my hand. The other PA took a look and told the nurse to get my doctor. The stupid PA kept asking "What is it? Is it a nodule?" whereas the other PA was obviously uncomfortable and waiting for the doc. Finally she said the words I'll never forget: "It's a foot." After that, Bryan was wailing in my ear, so I have no idea what was said, but my doctor came in and told me I had to deliver both because at 18 weeks it was just too dangerous to try to continue the pregnancy.
As I was being rolled down the hall to a delivery room, I could feel little legs come out - only knowing they were legs b/c of the foot coming first. Bryan went and called our families and his best friend. When he came back into the room, the doctor had me give 3 little pushes and Wally was born. Then she put two tablets of something up there to get my cervix to open and hopefully start labor, and then she had to go back across the hospital to her office to take care of her waiting patients figuring she would be there with me all night and into the next day before I delivered baby #2.
Our families and some of our friends came by to sit with us while we waited. They weren't there long when I finally felt a cramp on my right side. My one friend said "I've been watching the screen and I was wondering when you'd feel something!" It seemed like less than a minute later I felt another cramp and felt something come out. I asked everyone to leave and had the nurse check. Sure enough, there was a head! She called the doctor to come back and by the time she came back over to me, I had had one more cramp and sweet baby Liz was out. After the nurse told us it was a girl, she said "Wow, she's hot!" The doctor got there and agreed that Liz was extremely warm and most likely had a fever, which indicated that there was an infection behind all of this.
After we had some time, the nurses took them and had their pictures done as well as handprints in ink and in clay. The hospital's chaplain came and Bryan and I alone with he and Wally and Liz had a little blessing service for them. It rained all night long and when we got home the next afternoon, a three week stretch of gorgeous weather started - mid 70s, no humidity, bright sunshine. I've always thought it was a little gift from them to help me through. I spent most of those 3 weeks out on my balcony reading, crying and praying.
Later on, my doctor told me that she was shocked that I had delivered Liz so quickly even given the infection. She said that with the second twin, it usually takes a long and hard labor to deliver. That's how she diagnosed the incompetent cervix. She said that while the infection sparked it that day, the incompetent cervix sped things along. The infection came back from pathology as "normal vaginal flora," so it was nothing that could have really been eradicated by antibiotics, however I probably carried them longer than I should have because I had been so sick with things and on and off antibiotics, which probably lessened the infection temporarily. From what we've read, had we gone to term Liz probably would have been severely handicapped due to developing with an infection. While that possibility would never have made me decide to not try to carry them, it did bring me a bit of comfort that she may have been spared a lifetime of pain.
What I think happened is this: Liz was sick and because of that, her sac broke. She fell on top of Wally, who was lower and closer to my cervix, and that pressure combined with my weak cervix pushed his foot out and cause his sac to break. Then out they came. One other thing I will note is that Wally had passed before he was born, but Liz had not. As the nurse gave her to me to hold after cutting the cord, she tried to take a breath and then was still.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
