The chill before the morning sun brought on flashbacks of when I was young
i looked down on myself
when i was so desprately
looking for ways to get wasted
i stared out into the rising sun
and saw my own ghostly silhouette with ciggerete and smoking gun

the moon races across the brightening sky
like a fleeing angel it runs and hides
under the hills and just in time
for the very top to be painted bronze
by my silhouette in the rising sun

the valley goes from green to brown
with janauray and july
the grass, once tall and wet, is now wind swept and dry
and as the dark bronze moon was put away the sihlouette got to sleeping
a ciggerette fell out of his hand and sent the fire sweeping

its the middle of the morning and im drunk as can be
i told you i wanted to talk but i really just want you to help me
i cant see straight and i cant think right
and i just want to know that everything will be all right
tomorrow tomorrow will bring the rightous sight
and ill realize what kind of monster ive been to you
you all the horrible conversations ive put you thru
will melt away with the new day and i cant stop
i wont stop
without that helping hand
i grew up wrong
and i see your strong so i want to bring you down
and i want to make you think like me
and im suprised when you cant see through the eyes i have
even though it's the worst view of the land



~~~~ i get distracted easy. il finish this when im less drunk

Its incredible! your mind tries to digest it
but its not edible
your a fool
ideas are like poison
we found that out in middle school
you sold drugs in the locker room
you talked cool you walked cool your over the shoulder look ruled
but you reliezed too soon that minamum wage was too good for you
your wasted
selling drugs on the street sleeping on your feet
watching for cruisers your a loser
you said fuck school
what your teachers said wasnt a ruse they didnt feel used so they failed you
with the dark red ink that would make your mothers heart sink
along with your pants when your father beat y our ass
because he loves you
but that didnt get thru

Aaaah. This brings back memories.
My dad is driving me up the fucking wall. He is desperate for control in his household because he can not control his vices.
The condemnation I give him makes me a hypocrite. I can't even do homework two days in a row.
Looking back on my posts over the years shows me how much of a family shrinks wet dream I must be. That is, if I ever make the money to afford one.

My mom died her hair dark brown. It finishes the illusion of me not knowing who the fuck she is any more.
My grandmother has money "for me" in a bank account. It is the only money I can claim that isn't wrapped up in a CD. I need to get it. I need it to move out.

I am looking forward to going to Cody's with Nate this weekend. I have not told or asked permission from my parents. I do not know if I will tell them. I do not know if my key will unlock the front door when I get back.

But I know one thing.
I have a date with the bottle. How about you?

How to make a bed:

What you need:
1 bed (mattress)
1 pillow
1 pillow case
1 fitted sheet
1 sheet
1 blanket

Step 1) Take the fitted sheet and lay it parallel along the mattress so the corners line up.

Step 2) Pull the top two corners of the fitted sheet over the head of the mattress, then pull the remaining two corners over the bottom of the mattress.

Step 3) Lay the sheet over the bed so the mattress and the sheet are parallel .

Step 4) Tuck the sheet under the mattress, with the exception of 2 feet at the head of the bed. Fold that back down and tuck it in too.

Step 5) Repeat steps 3 and 4 with blanket.

Step 6) Put pillow in pillow case and fluff it up.

Step 7) Sleep.

you generalize everyone. can you really expect me to think its true, specally concerning me, every time?

people turn on the news each night and see and hear about the rape and murder of children, about a madman shooting a room full of people at point blank rage, about mothers who spend welfare checks to get high. they shake their head and ask themselves why, then change the channel. but you cant deny it. the perversion and greed is there. right under the surface. you scratch the cherry red coating and their defects explode like a rust streak on the driveway. people are only as sick as they are weak. thats why such bad things happen when the weak willed people gain power. they want more and when legal peaceful means of gaining more and more of it are exhausted they go apeshit. they ban books. they enforce curfews. martial law. shoot on sight. they jail anyone who speaks against it. they cancel the newspapers. they close the borders and tax the shit out of the middle and lower class. the middle class works harder because the lower class gets turned into a pack of dogs

and then it breeds desperation

the people who fight for freedom from whatever hellish machine runs their lives become the best example of hypocrisy in the universe. they go to any lengths to take down the man that they will resort to things their opposition never even thought of. poison a well. burn a building full of civilians. plant bombs in marketplaces and trains. draft children to fight for you. when the enemy soilders kill those children soilders, they are the monsters, not the people who forced them to fight.

and when its all over. when the ex leaders are beheaded in the street, the people who take charge set up the same shop in the ruins of the old one. the people who survived the fighting are so shell shocked and glad its over that they will let equally slimey murderers lead them as they did before

but it sure makes for some good breeding. the liberators, the occupiers, the exiles, they rape and date everything in their path and it mixes the gene pool just a little bit more

the only problem the people who are used to killing, and raping, and letting shit get so bad in the first place, are the ones who end up surviving. and one day, there will be so many of these people that the war they create wont be one anyone can survive.

I haven't said it on livejournal yet, I don't think, but I have had my license for awhile and the car I drive is twice as shitty as when I started.

Joy Division is music I need to get more of. I also want to start looking into 70s soul and shit. I heard some song at a party and my only thought was 'disco niggers' but the music was good so I might as well go for it.

I am no longer in normal school. I dropped out. I am getting my last 5 classes done through adult school. I have a 50% chance of telling this to someone as I stand in a bread line.

Fuck you if you can imagine me standing in a bread line. You should know I will kill myself before I kick it with homeless people. They will probally make my ass soup for the fuckers in the bread line.




Love....love will tear us apart, again.

People are starving
their jobs just arent paying
the cops and the company take everything
the system and socials leave you with nothing
and then they lose control
they just lose control

crowds in the street on general strike
theres no one to cross the picket lines
the wranglers and the leaders and the back room dealers
cant leave their homes
because they lost control
they've never lost control
this is america, you never lose control
or your head will roll

the national guard is at it again
killing people in the streets on live news at 10
and it goes to hell
except there is control in hell
its just as well

the radio burns a hole in the sky
free spoken protest turns to a rallying cry
to take control

and your born
to burn
your own city down to the ground

officer joe lost control, beats a student to death on sunset avenue
and all hell ensues
its the fate they choose
there go the rules
theyve got power to abuse

the gas fills the streets and people are choking
peaceful protest turns into cop and robber killing
the rubber bullets just dont satisfy any more
the fire houses wont flow
when theres no control
and the gas still goes
its a riot in hell

thick white death in uniform
civilians wearing gasmasks get their air torn away from them
their minds die
they claw out their eyes
they lose control
---------
I cant replace you
wont mistake you
hate to tell you
im too good for you
your words your lips your silent eyes
combines itself into your shocked suprise
when i get away from you
and the hole in heart makes you want to die
im headed out of town and i wont write to you
i break all contact because i love you
i wont replace you
just forget you
never see or hear and read of you
i hope i remember to just forget you
-----
I try not to offend those who are most offensive
block my way and make me want to hide
its hard to side with anyone who likes you
the drumming in my hears is the beat you play
the heaven you go to is the hell i pay
silently standing in the strangle of the jokes you say
something eats at you and you just get tired
of the things that tear at you and you turn it all away
your a loser and a quitter
and my silence makes you weaker
------
i cant breathe
i cant see
i cant listen
i cant flee
i can do anything my mind lets me
stuck in this prison of immobility
you laugh at me and i stare ahead
i dont have the nerve to turn red
i cant lift a finger i cant make a sound
ill never drive and ill never drown
im kept alive
and i dont know why
i sit and think
because its all god gave me
all my joys are made in my brain
and i cant end it
this is the life i lead
this is the living i lead
this is the living im given by the tube that feeds
----

*If the shower has a shelf that is only held on with suction cups, you should not risk using anything on it. If it falls off not only does it sound like you broke your neck, your host may think you broke your neck while jacking off in there.

*You are not allowed to make vocal sounds in the shower. This includes moaning, singing, talking to yourself, talking to the Laurell® fish shaped bottles, or crying. You are allowed to scream if blood pours out the shower head, or something is looking at your taint from inside the drain.

*If for some reason you must shave, you had better bring your own razor. I have found hair, blood, dead skin, and even a severed nipple on other peoples razor. Speaking of nipples, feel free to cover yours with your host's shaving cream.

*If you a male, you may only use mans shaving cream. If you are a female, you can use mans shaving cream, but don't wash it right off because you dont like the smell, you wasteful skank.

*If you have a stuffy nose you must snot rocket into your hand, and dispose of it. If the shower has curtains, you can snot rocket on those and ruin the stupid seashell\Dale Earnhart pattern.

*If your shower has Dale Earnhart curtains, and his giant sunglassed face is watching your wet, naked body, you are allowed to cry and curse the name of your host.

*If the shower also doubles as a bath, you may take a bath only if you can fill it up with the shower head, as your host has the right to shut off the water main if he hears you switch to the giant bath facet. If it does not double as a bath, you can stand on the drain and let the water go up to your ankles.

*When you are done, do a quick survey of the shower. Hose down the pubes off the walls, make sure you got all your piss down your drain, and leave less hair on the soap than when you started. You must dry all water on the bathroom floor, unless you had to pay for drinks\food the night before. This is negated if your host cooks food while in the shower. Feel free to double back. Tell them you forgot to hose your pubes, it sounds better than telling them you turned their bathroom into the planet Dagobah.