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[05 Jul 2025|09:52pm] |
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Almost 10 years later. What. lol. Hey
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[22 Aug 2016|08:22am] |
Sometimes life is just so strange.
Hm...
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[21 Mar 2015|11:48pm] |
Oh Livejournal.
Somehow, I always seem to come back here. I don't know why. I can't really say it's out of habit, because I don't update like I used to when I was a teenager. I think sometimes I feel bad ditching it. This journal, oddly enough, still contains a ton of entires I want to always hold onto. Ahh nostalgia at it's finest.
Things are okay at the moment. I'm working through anxiety issues. I'm working through personal things that I never thought I'd have to deal with.
Tim and I have decided to start planning our wedding.. Slowly. We really just aren't in a rush. We just hit our 8 year anniversary as well. But, things are awesome, as they always have been. It's crazy to think back to when we first met. All the feelings. All the drama. Losing contact. Dating other people. But always coming back to one another. It's just so crazy.
My photography just keeps getting bigger. I photographed St. Vincent @ Lupo's. That was a blast and just an incredible experience. I don't know where I am heading but the journey is exciting. The possibilities feel endless and I can't really say anymore than that.
www.facebook.com/kendrarosephotography
www.kendrarosephoto.com
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[20 Dec 2014|11:56pm] |
It's almost Christmas. Sometimes it's nice to come back here and check things out. I'm sitting here, with a peppermint coffee, the Christmas tree is lit, it's snowing outside.. and overall it makes me happy. Timothy & I are just perfect. We have decided to get married. Everything is just how it should be.. How I always KNEW it would be. It's crazy that we have been together for 8 years in March. 8 Freaking years. Insane.
Things have been great. My photography is taking off in so many ways than I ever thought it would. I was published in multiple places at once. I participated and had my work in a gallery over the summer. So many things have been happening.
I think back to when I got my first camera and how I always took photos and portraits of my closest friends.. it's crazy how I never thought this stuff would ever happen to me. You struggle to get noticed and then you finally do and it's so scary. People notice. People watch. Every. Single. Move. It's surreal. It makes me self conscious. It makes me wonder what's next?
It is nerve-wracking but it's my passion. It's my dream. It can only get better...
Right??
Website!: www.kendrarosephoto.com
and please, find me on Facebook! - www.facebook.com/kendrarosephotography
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[23 Apr 2014|08:30pm] |
What do I write about?
Therapy is okay. I don't know where I'm going with it. I have a hard time being vulnerable. I have a hard time telling someone I need them. I have become so independent that most people don't think I need help, or need someone. People don't worry about me. Ever. I guess that's a good thing, but overall it makes me feel alone. Maybe because I don't REALLY need anyone? I am okay when people walk out of my life or don't want to be friends. I guess I just got tired of chasing after people. Especially friends. I don't know.
Matthew tells me I've become a guarded person. I don't know why or when that happened.
I don't know. I felt like writing but now I don't.
Later.
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[11 Mar 2014|08:45pm] |
I don't know.
My focus is on my photography.
I have tunnel vision, I think.
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| I guess.. |
[21 Jan 2014|10:49pm] |
I don't typically write in here often. I go months without writing. Not because I have nothing of importance to say, but because this journal isn't a habit to me anymore. It fell by the wayside years ago and that's just how it is. I occasionally get the urge to update but not usually.
The last post? Well. It was a bit more negative than how I feel now. Struggling with the death of my father is still a huge part of me right now.. but I put it on the backburner because.. well, because I do that sometimes. I haven't seen the therapist in about a month. I'm busy with work and I am going to call her this week. It's funny, I had started seeing her so I could talk about my father and then I get there and avoid it like the plague. Funny how that happens.. I don't know why it happens but it certainly does. I guess I'm afraid to break down in front of this woman who doesn't know me. Sometimes I worry that I subconsciously want to be mad at my father, and hold onto this anger, because I'm afraid I have more bad memories than good. Letting go of the anger means that I can move on in life.. and I just don't know if I am as ready as I thought I was. I have been living with this anger and hate for so long it just feels like a part of me now. A huge part of me. And if it goes away? I don't know.. part of my dad goes away with it? It's hard for me to explain. Whatever. Moving on..
Work is time consuming. I love my job. I love working with adults with disabilities. I love learning more IT. I love the clients. I love being part of an agency that gives a shit about me and my well being. It's one of the best parts of my job. I'm going on a year and a half there and I am happy with it. My only issue is that my heart tells me that I won't be there forever. Part of me is so comfortable there that I worry I will let go of my dreams as a successful, established photographer. I am not ready to let that go. I don't really know that I can. I guess, I worry that I will only do photography on my weekends, when I want to do it full time. How to make that transition without worrying about bills and money.. Well, I don't know. Hopefully I figure it out. I will just keep chipping away at it until it works for me.
What else? I don't know. I haven't been hanging out with many friends. I distance myself further and further away, as usual. I can't be bothered with peoples kids and stupid shit. It's awful of me to say.. but it's the truth. I want to hang out with people who are on the same level in life as me. Or at least kind of on the same level. I want friends who don't have kids and can hang out or go out and not stress it. It's nothing personal, and I love all of my close friends that do. But it makes it extremely hard to do anything. I have been meeting and networking with some awesome people lately and hopefully something good comes out of it. I hate feeling like I have no one anymore.. and it certainly feels like that. I put way too much time into people and friends who really couldn't give a shit about making time to see or talk to me. It's a huge problem and it's a huge annoyance. I am always trying to get to know people and its never mutual. I take it too personally and I just need to... not do that.
I am bored with everything I am writing and so I'm done.
-Kenj.
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| I guess |
[28 Sep 2013|11:21am] |
I'm struggling with the death of my father. It's hard to explain why and it's hard to explain what I'm going through. I've got a hard time letting go of that hatred and anger I still feel towards him. February will be 2 years and I still harbor these feelings. He isn't even here and I'm just still so mad. I'm looking into a therapist. I'm looking for closure. I'm looking for ways to cope. I've been reading self help books on when you lose a parent. I'm looking for someone to just fucking listen to me. That's it. I don't need advice. I just need to explain. and talk. I talk with my brother and tim. but it's not what I really need. I can't ever break down and cry because I hate people seeing me like this.
I'm mad at everything and everyone. I'm resentful, i'm annoyed, i'm unsympathetic. I'm annoyed that I can't talk to my mom because she acts as if nothing ever happened during my teenage years. She acts as if I have no reason to be angry anymore. Half of the time she doesn't say anything and it pisses me off even more. I'm annoyed because I have to take care of her without my brother's help. I'm trying to balance my life along with everyone elses. My brother has an addiction problem and I'm trying to help him too and be his rock and support. Realistically, I'm all he really has that will go to the end of earth for him.
Everything is a struggle and I can't even fucking deal.
I wish this was more positive.
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| Stuff. |
[23 May 2013|10:21pm] |
I don't really have much to say but still feel obligated to check in every so often. My photography has taken off in so many directions. I have really dived into it head first.. not that I didn't before.. but the business aspect of it is getting better. I created a website. www.kendrarosephoto.com
My job at Re-Focus is going well and I just hit my 1 year mark.
A lot of things are just about the same and I'm okay with that.
Photos and stuff. No livejournal cut because who friggen cares.
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[07 Feb 2013|11:15pm] |
I'm tired.
...
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| it's time you spoke up too. |
[15 Oct 2012|08:41pm] |
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It's fall. I missed the fall.. but this feeling is only temporary. I love the smell of leaves. I always get a nostalgic feeling when fall rolls around. I miss going to night drives with my mom. I miss how things were. It's crappy to dwell. I miss my dad. The holidays are going to be awful. Im trying to be hopeful, because it truly is my favorite thing in the world. Christmas and everything great that comes with it. But the truth is, I just want to be able to talk to my dad. Holidays will be weird without him. Life is still weird without him. I have days where I don't even think about him and then I realize that he hasn't crossed my mind and I feel bad. I still think about the last days I had with him.. I think about when he was getting sick and I layed in bed with him on my days off. Him stroking my hair and saying that it's okay.. that he hopes matthew and I get everything we want in life. I feel like I don't know what i'm doing. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I have lost touch with the little things that always use to matter to me. I feel like my life isn't as meaningful. I think I need to find that happiness again.
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[05 Sep 2012|07:58pm] |
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I guess things are fine.
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[16 Jul 2012|07:51pm] |
I haven't wrote in 2 months - but I'm generally pretty happy. I love my job - I'm so glad I left Claire's for this. I love what i'm doing. I love the clients. I love all of it. I'm happy to go to work in the morning and every day is different.
Everything is just fine.
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| You're gone gone gone away, I watched you disappear, All that's left is a ghost of you |
[04 May 2012|05:28pm] |
Today is one of those days where I wish I could call my dad and talk to him about what's going on in my life. I want to know I'm doing the right thing by taking this job. I keep having weird doubts in the back of my mind but I think it's just nerves. It's a change and change sometimes scares me, especially when finances are involved.
I guess I just miss my dad.
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| New Job. |
[26 Apr 2012|08:06pm] |
So -
I got offered a new job today. It's a receptionist position at a community center for mentally disabled folks. Of course, I accepted it. Better pay, 8:30am-4:30pm, weekends off. How could I not take it? How can it even compare to working at Claire's. It can't. BUT - I'm nervous. I hate being the new person. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. Im excited but nervous. And the whole, change of it all. It's a different atmosphere. It's a different everything. I want to feel confident in my abilities but it's so hard to when you really don't know how the office work flow is.
But, onto new and better things!
:)
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[29 Mar 2012|11:26pm] |
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I guess I should write. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm still alive and I'm doing okay. I miss my dad. I miss that I could call him and he'd know what to say or know the answers to my questions. It's weird that he's gone. It's been almost 2 months since he passed. 2 months. It feels like only yesterday that I was sitting in hospice, discussing everything with my mom and friends. I'm having a hard time with all of this and I guess it's to be expected. I don't know. I don't know what to say.
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| Dad passed away. |
[15 Feb 2012|09:48am] |
Dad passed away at 3:38 in the morning on Saturday. I'm happy I went Friday night to see him even though he wouldn't wake up from the morphine. Hospice was phenomenal and I thank them for doing everything they could to make him happy and comfortable. I had rushed there Friday after work when my mom called me to tell me hospice was putting him on morphine and that I should get there before in order to see him awake. I spent about 5 hours there that night.. Marybeth had come and hung out with me. Cory did too. A bunch of family came and went and we (Matthew, Cara, Cory & MB) hung around til 12 in the morning. Between bouncing around from the room, the cafeteria, and then MB & I walked to the bar to grab a quick drink.. it was a comfortable night.
He wasn't awake the whole time I was there.. which is sucky - but probably better off since mom said he was so confused and disoriented during the day. Marybeth had left and it was just mom, cory and i sitting around listening to him breathe. Mom said he had called my name twice, clear as day during the afternoon. And then I just cried and cried. It was around 12 when I decided to go home since it was getting late (even though hospice has 24 hour visitation) so I had my moment with Dad and just cried and cried before I left.
I drove home and went to sleep..turning my cell phone off thinking that I really shouldn't. But I did it anyway. I awoke at 4am with my house phone ringing and I just knew. It was my mom calling to tell me he passed at 3:38. And to get a hold of matt and maybe let some of the family know in a couple hours - There was no reason to call and wake them up at 4am when he was still at hospice and the funeral home would get him, etc. Basically there was nothing the family could do since they live far away anyway.
So, Saturday morning everyone had come down (my brothers scotty&jerry) - Aunt donna, Uncle Paul, Dad's brother, etc. We all went to the funeral home to start making arrangements - and then there was the viewing. I had decided that I didn't want to see his body and say my goodbyes. I had a pretty good moment the night before I had left hospice, he was breathing, and I was okay with how I saw him last. But - while I was at the funeral home, and the director said we could go see him, I told Matthew I was all set, and he said "I mean, really?? You aren't going to see him??" and then I felt like a jerk.. so I walked in with all of them. And of course, what I didn't want to see, to make all of this 100 percent real - was his lifeless body, laying there. But, there is was. And I just stared, hoping I'd see him breathe. Hoping to notice some type of movement. But I didn't. And I walked away and went outside after my mom and brother. Everyone had come out in tears and were standing around chatting when I watched Matthew walk back in. I walked back in after him and we just stood there together, just us, in front of my Dad. He started balling which obviously made me start crying too. I stood in front of him thinking how fast this all happened. How I was expecting this to happen, but just not today. Not ever. I knew he'd die but I just didn't want it to happen. It's hard to let go. It's hard to know that I won't see my dad anymore. It's just so strange to comprehend. I cry at least once a day and I think about him all day. It's hard for me to focus at work, but I didn't want to take the whole week off because I'll go crazy.
We aren't doing a funeral or wake, due to finances - which, I know he'd be okay with. He would say 3,000+ dollars is a waste of money and to save it. So he is being cremated, and we are doing the burial at the Bourne National Cemetery and they are going to do a military service of course.
And just to put this out here - super weird Whitney Houston died the same day, at 3:55pm (around the same time frame in the afternoon) where dad died at 3:38am. Whitney was his absolute favorite. How damn weird is that.
Regardless, I love you daddy. I will miss you every minute of every day...
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| Daddy. |
[06 Feb 2012|11:22pm] |
It's weird how fast all of this happened. it's weird that he is dying. He is towards the final stages of life. Hospice is coming and they gave us a pamphlet about the end, signs and symptoms. hospice has been pretty great but it doesn't make this easier. dad is tired and in pain and just so exhausted. i have a feeling he's going to pass this week. hospice said his body is starting to decline. he isn't eating. and he has been releasing his bowels, etc. i spent all day with him today and watched the superbowl with him. i don't want him to hold on any longer if he's in pain. i want him to be comfortable and to know that it's okay to go when he is ready. this just happened so quickly.. it was about 2 months ago he was walking to the store and doing fine and then the cancer just attacked full force leaving him unable to do anything.
anyway.
i'm done.
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| Dad and thoughts. |
[25 Jan 2012|12:05am] |
Well, another update on my father. They aren't going to do Chemo, because he has such a small portion of his liver left. It will hurt him more than help him. I guess it's just a waiting game now. They don't know how long he has left, so I am visiting as much as I can. I need to get over there and take some good photos of him while I can. I am prepared but not. I am thinking of the funeral and how this is all going to go. I want to ignore all of this and just drive away. I had dropped my parents off the other day, my mom got out of the car to open the door to the house, while my dad waited in the car with me.. and he says " I'm sorry I won't be able to see you guys grow up..I hope you get everything you want in life." I said I know dad... My mom had come around to side of the car to help him out and get him into bed. The door slammed and I cried the whole way home. I hadn't cried yet so it was definitely needed. I don't know how to express how I feel. My mom tries to be optimistic and I'm just not like that. I'm realistic about it. I know his liver won't repair itself. I know these pills they are giving him won't cure anything. I just don't want them to pro-long this, and let him suffer more than he has to. It's already bad enough.
Sigh. I don't know.
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| Dad. |
[07 Jan 2012|10:05am] |
Welp - As it turns out, my father went to his other dr. appointments. A small portion of his liver is still working and they said they were surprised he's even still alive. They had never seen a case like his. They found a growth on his liver as well, so he was sent to the cancer center to get it checked. Turns out - it's cancer. Basically - he can decide if he wants chemo or not. And he is getting more tests done to see if the cancer has spread at all. They said to be optimistic, but after doing more research it's a bit hard. I guess the chemo for liver cancer gets sent directly to the liver, but doesn't actually mean it will cure it or the problem will go away. I think it's more a temporary thing.
Went to a birthday party at a bar last night. Saw all of my awesome friends and of course my brother was there too. He started talking to Cory ( a childhood friend ) about what's going on with my father and I just wanted to cry. So I pulled out my phone and pretended to distract myself being on facebook just so I wouldn't ball my eyes out. I haven't cried yet. I haven't been alone by myself in a week since Tim is on vacation and has been home with me too. Not that I can't cry in front of him, because I absolutely can. But it's just hard for me to break down in front of somebody.
Anyway. I am just writing to get this out of my head. Or somewhat out of my head.
Yeah.
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