This journal will no longer all publish entries to be viewed by all.

friends only viewing seems to fit me just fine. No need to scream to the world my thoughts and my rants.

Something new I'm trying out :) I think its best to keep the words of these jaded wanderer secret to the world.

So I woke up early in an attempt to finalize my PPR. after days of slaving away writing, not my PPR, but another work documentation (nose bleed) I am final forced to finalize this long overdue requirement.

1. Duck away from cute strangers
2. Have the woman on a rampage look
3. Do not Smile
4. Do not write on an empty stomach
5. Get inspired! Inside -- Out
   
6. Bawal maging sleepy. Sorry na lang if pagod ka or kulang sa tulog. Kaya ka nga nasa Starbucks ka dba?
   
7. Do not be loopy headed
8. OWN it... and you will be OWNING it
9. Do not buy wi-fi card just to be online -- too many distractions
10. Like my fave college mantra goes, "In order to be interesting, one has to be interested." So get interested in writing your PPR
11. Think how good you are and how your strengths and accomplishments must be highlighted
12. Admire yourself. This is the time to be VAIN and EGOCENTRIC
    
13. Think of the ways you can still improve and develop
    
14. Look really really disturb and serious
15. Do not look worried baka kausapin ka ni cute stranger dahil concern sya sayo
    
16. Bawal ang eye contact lalo pag cute.
    
17. Sabi na bawal e... may proper time para dyan.
18. Listen to chillax songs but those that will make you sing and not get caught in the moment,
19. Just keep on writing -- force yourself even
20. FOCUS
    
21. When you are running out of time -- you will start typing
22. When you are running out of battery -- you better start typing
23. Go to Starbucks at 6am and not 6pm. At 6pm cute hunky law school students start pouring in (see rule #1)
24. Stop your mind from wandering off
25. Say to yourself over and over again "I will not procastinate, I will not procastinate"
26. Think positive -- All things in life will have to end; some things in life you have to end yourself.
    
27. When encountering writers block -- always imagine what it would be like if you weren't able to finish your PPR... ergo patay ka kay Kathy  
28. Write less but with more substance.
29. IBIGIN ang iyong ginagawa.
30. Learn to do really good writing in a short span of time; try going back to college "geek" mode.
31. Isipin mo na buti na lang at hindi Philosophy paper ang iyong ginagawa
32. Isipin mo na madami ka pang dapat gawin
33. Isipin mo na madami ka pang kailangan gawin
34. Isipin mo na mas madami ka pang dapat tapusin
35. Isipin mo na tatambakan ka ng maraming deliverables and AI's
    
36. Imagine what it was like writing those Philosophy papers when you were in College. argh!
37. Do not think of your crush mahirap na magimagine baka masulat mo pa pangalan nya sa PPR mo.
38. Do not attempt or even wonder kung itext mo ba para kamustahin if tapos na din sya sa PPR nya.
39. Commit -- stealing from Michael Henry's famous quote "Ang Non Compliance transport parang parang marriage lang yan, dapat magcommit ka"
40. Commit EVEN MORE -- "Ang PPR parang marriage lang yan pero kasal ka na ng 30 years, kailangan magcommit at maghanap ng rason kung bakit nagcommit ka"
41. And if you really can't write? Magsulat ka na lang muna 'How not to get stuck writing your PPR' blog

Teeheeheehee

BEER BASH sa HP mamaya.
Sana Masaya.
Sana Memorable.
Sana Masarap Food.
Sana masWOW kesa last year.
Sana maganda yung jamming, chilling and dancing.
Sana madaming BEER.
Sana moment sya.
Sana Nandun ka.
Sana Sana Sana
haay...

ASA ka pa Rose. like it matters.
ASA ka pa Rose na sana bukas everything will fall back into place
ASA ka pa Rose na Bukas magiging "ok" na lahat
ASA ka pa Rose ang BEER makakatulong para ang bukas hwag na mangyari.

....
ok going back to what I'm really suppose to be doing. Chill mode

I’m sleepy. So to stop myself from succumbing to sleep, I’ll force myself to write – or blabber more precisely. Sleep deprivation is nothing new to me. I’m the insomniac that wakes up early and can sleep the whole day away (if it's a weekend).
So here goes. Last night I ended my shift pretty late and I have to go in early today (7am boo!) hence the loopy headed status.

last monday was the same but much worse since I did not me head home and dropping myself in bed. I should really rest soon. Over the weekend I spent the time with my mom and my niece for some TLC. Who knew TLC will be tiring? It was. We drove around the metro shopping. Argh! I hate sales.  I do not like over-crowded malls. I’m weird that way. After a couple of rounds in megamall and Shangri-la I decided to hang by myself in Starbucks with my pretty baby. Who knew handling such a bibbo 1 year old can be so much. Haha Rose learnt the meaning of patience all over again.

Since my mom has been at Fairview ever since she started complaining that I am never home to entertain her anyway, I had to drive from Fairview to work early Monday morning. Traffic there was unbearable.

My point -- the time spent with my closest and dearest friends have been narrowed down to ZERO.

So last  monday night in another spontaneous detour I found myself in UP Village. I use to know a guy from the area. We clicked as good friends back in college. So I decided after being invited to stop by and hang for a bit to follow my whim. A sight to behold, at his veranda I see him in breathtaking out of this world laughter mode with a guy I’m unfamiliar with. I later realized it was his kababata. lets call them F (friend ni rose) and K (kababata ng friend ni rose)

The reason for this outburst:
Background song: MAD by NE-YO
9PM Jeepney Ride from PHILCOA to UP Campus

K was seated beside the driver over heard a noise coming from the back portion of the jeepney. He glanced up to see in the mirror a scene from a teleserye movie:

Boy (not so good looking pero normal naman daw) with a bonquet of flowers in his hand
“Ako na magbabayad”

Girl (pretty, petite, with really good teeth when she smiles) looks at guy angry
“Bat moko lilibre? Birthday mo ba?”

Boy pays nonetheless.

Boy: “urong ka naman ditto”
Girl: “baket? Malaki naman yung space”

Boy moves closer to Girl. Jeepney stops and an old lady rides the Jeepney

Girl moves away from Boy. Old Lady sat in between Boy and Girl

Boy: “ate pwede po ba tayo magpalit ng upuan?”
Old Lady: “sige”

Boy exchanges sit with Old Lady. Boy is now close to Girl again

Girl (in an extremely loud voice): “Nakakahiya ka talaga. Bakit mo ginawa yun? Ayoko na kasama ka. Bakit ba ha? Mamatay ka ba if nde moko katabi? Naku nakakahiya ka talaga!!!”

Boy sat quietly. Moments passed.

Boy: “kuya para lang sa kanto”

Girl (while exiting the Jeepney): “Ano ka ba ha? Naiinis nako sayo. Ayoko na kasama ka pauwi next time ha? Nakakahiya ka”

I on the other hand could not laugh at this story. I was dumbfounded. I was feeling angst building up from my system. . Even as I recount the story early this morning to my office friend Pao T. I can’t help but feel rage.

My friend and his kababata were laughing at how stupid the Boy was. Deep down in my head I was thinking how easily they laugh now. If only they know women can be devious. And we can hold a guy hostage if we want to.

Mean Girls. They are all over. I am not saying I am not. For God knows I can be the meanest bitch if I want to be. But my point is simple, FIND A RIGHT PLACE AND TIME. Sometimes you can’t help it. Emotions get the best of us. I blame it on our female hormones.

How I admired the way the Boy handled the Girl in the story. Though there is still an open discussion here, nanliligaw ba si Boy? Or Boyfriend sya ni Girl?

I guess Pao was right, we should never judge. I do not know her story and what made her react so badly. I’d like to think, in defense to all my female friends, a girl can only be mean for a reason. Somehow even if guys find our emotions too complicated there is always a reason behind it – though at times it can be unfathomed even for the one who is feeling it.

Another morale to the story? Find Someone who will RESPECT you and ACCEPTS you enough not to stoop to your level when your hormones are raging. In other words, FIND someone who can handle you for the person that you are.

Easier said than done though…

POST CARDS








Martin and Yam … I MISS YOU :o)
BestyLuv ... I LOVE You :o)


Link to the pics are found HERE

***
Here’s to tomorrow people. Just keep on trying; keep on fighting. The pain will be gone sooner than you think. Disappear if you may.

In Line with the current mode of life and the restless air that surrounds this being, On top of my heads poems I wrote in between writing my PPR early Tuesday morning. I can't really write so All I can offer are 1) POEMS -- childish and not too deep (sorry for those who are used to my *wapak* i-can't-understand-what-she-is-saying moments, you won't get it here) and 2) SONGS -- yep, music is me. I don't think I can stand to live without it! hahaha so bear with me as I try to normalize. SLEEP and TLC come to me soon

MR SAND MAN

My heart is empty without you
Sometimes you don't know what to do
And I need you tonight
I'll fall asleep and it's alright
Close my eyes and I'll be by your side

***
MYSAP was successful... I AM HAPPY for this Success . But I'm still tired. I really can't put into words how my mind freezes at certain moments of the day.
I need to recharge soon. ..

My brain is playing tricks with me. For someone who has given up the whole "GAME" concept. My own self is suddenly tricking me. Shall I even begin to start? I ain't playing. Yup No I'm not. I can't afford to play. So to this torture I feel inside, I hope you'll be gone soon. *poof*
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I feel evolution is in order. Thus when stumped with a foremost concept, I always drive to one solid conclusion -- Evolution is such a tricking thing. I’m not talking about Darwinian evolution here; the theory that calls out our biological change through natural selection. What I’m actually trying to digress is the evolution and primary shift in human behavior – a paradigm if you may. Now I won’t call out and say I KNOW how to explain this subject. Like everything else, this is just my brain talking endlessly hence the need to justify.

What entails a shift in human behavior? What is that trigger that calls out minute changes in how we deal with people and with life in general? The most basic answer is society. More precisely, the norms of a certain society we are immersed in.  This is the general principle that applies to many if not all of humanity. But like everything complex in life, general principles will always stay general and what rules a human being is how he/she applies the general principles to his/her own being. Much more complex is the idea of evolution in terms of feelings. I can try and philosophize. I can try and indulge my trigger happy fingers and my over analyzing brain and delve into this topic. But I choose not to. Unless you guys wanted to be bored and read a ten page essay on Nietzsche’s “will to power” and “beyond good and evil” I suggest for the context of this argument – evolution of feelings is a pleasant shocking superlative epiphany.

If Darwin’s theory of evolution is about genetic shift, Nietzsche explanation of human behavior about  utilitarianism which claims all people want fundamentally to be happy and to achieve unity with the good with God, then evolution of feelings is about that sudden shift in how you see and act in relation to your person of interest – a pleasant shocking superlative epiphany if you may.

It is the sudden shift which incurs evolution from what we know we already know and what we already want; that unexplainable feeling of trying to grasp to logic and to reason only to be dumbfounded. Doubt and fear is your enemy, life becomes happier but more complicated. You try so much to justify this change; yet your futile mind can no longer hold the immensity of it.

So what are the pros and the cons of liking someone? For me the biggest PRO is that feeling that despite my brokenness I can still have moments indescribable. That happiness is not something I need to work hard at keeping everyday – the smile, the laughter, the sparkle in your eyes; all natural happiness and thrill. It’s been years since I’ve felt this foolishly. And I find myself dreaming awake, lying in my bed feeling alive. Yup, for me that’s the biggest pro in the equation. Feeling alive and not having to justify its existence – life worth living.

But no matter how positive the pros can be, Doubt and fear will always accompany the happiness. You will end up playing never ending arguments in your brain that keeps you restless and sleepless most nights. And a hole will start to form in your being – a missing piece that the happiness can never seem to close. For you are not truly happy.

This for me is the biggest CON in the whole liking someone thing. That feeling that you are not truly happy not unless you can quench the longing thirst and questions. Or maybe this is just me speaking. Maybe the biggest CON in liking someone is the knowledge that it all ends there; that giant STOP sign that keeps you a bay knowing that the person’s affection is never yours. In laymen’s term, the biggest CON of liking someone is the knowledge he/she does not in turn like you.

Whether you know this by fact or fiction, this bit of information will haunt you from the day your feelings shifted until it can be nullified by only two options (1) you eventually forget that the feeling existed or (2) your feelings were recognized by the other.  In most cases, we would opt for option number two. But sometimes  option 2 is never given to us. So we live by stolen moments. We succumb to whatever can be learned and can be provided by the other.

What will make the pros out weight the cons? What is that trigger to make us jump ship into a vast ocean knowing that we can drown? What will make us lose sight of our fears and risks ourselves despite the consequences that can break our beings? When will the fear of consequences not stop us and for trying be enough?

As always I try not to come up with answers f or I still do not know how to face this immensity. It is so easy to say just go with the flow, follow your feelings, leap, jump, take the risk…  That of course is the next step in the evolutionary process:

• I Like You
• I Like-Like You
• You Like-Like Me
• WE Fall in Love
• WE fight to Keep Love

But if what you hold is only a stolen moment what more is there to help you decide not to take the plunge?  When everything in your being is telling you that when you do no one is there to catch you?

All I have is a remarkable stolen moment. I do not understand why I am even willing to entertain this. I can never pacify, I shy away. I’ll keep that stolen moment in my mind for as long as I can. It was after all great. But the morning after, when reality hits you hard you start to question despite the happiness swelling inside your being – you start to walk back to that comfort zone you once shared; trying to normalize. Maybe that’s my fault, I never try. Most especially when my logic is defeated by my feelings. 

I don’t know why I’m being overwhelmed by the consequences and the complications. No wonder it is so much easier to be with someone who does not complicate you.

However, when will the time come when I can let go of this fear? And finally be happy when he makes me laugh knowing I can laugh despite the CONS and the apparent Complications – to finally just be happy still is the biggest miracle I want to happen in my life.

If only evolution isn’t so tricky and life is less complicated. Maybe I do not need to go through this delirium.  Maybe I can even try and finish this inquiry on the evolution of feelings. But for now I shall stop.

How I wish I have the capacity to let this evolution take its course. But right here, right now I am scared and so I shall keep quiet and still not knowing if this evolution will follow the process.

 ***
On a more daunting yet equally challenging note:
Cutover01 for my project is going to happen this weekend. I feel the pressure mounting. I feel the it. And I AM READY!!!!


GO MYSAP GO!!!

If only I can be this decisive when it comes to my own debaucher.

Mr. Nice Guy No More

In the course of 3 months I was smitten by your presence. I was willing; I thought I was able to expand my boundaries. But here we are, departed. How futile can friendship be? You once told me you are willing. Or so I believed. Yet hopes can only be harbored by those who believe in fairy tales. Apparently I am no princess. All I am is a big bully who break hearts.

I'm glad that investments were low. That I can walk away knowing that when our paths cross I'll still respect you and whomever becomes your princess. In time your angry may disappear. And I hope when that time comes you can see my reasons.

***

And to this Silly Silly Feeling I feel now for a silly old thing called a "CRUSH"

Hindi mo ba alam
Damdamin ko’y pinagtakpan
Makasama ka’y suntok sa buwan

‘Di mo nga alam
Mundo mo nga’y iyong tignan
Kung ganyan, walang pupuntahan

Hindi ko ‘to gusto
Pero ‘wag kang lalayo

Itanong mo sa akin
At tatanungin ko rin
Kung ika’y aamin
Lahat ay gagawin

‘Di mo napapansin
Kailangan mo akong dinggin
‘Di habang buhay ika’y aantayin

Ito’y aking hiling
At sana naman ay tanggapin
Ng puso ko’y ‘di nabibitin

* weird how things turned out the way they are right now. One day I shall look back at this and laugh heartily. I never knew that this day will come, when a girl who foreseeable likes "mr. nice guys" and "boy-next-doors" is intrigued by such a personality. The more I see, the more I like. Ah all but a childish crush *

An ordinary day worth remembering. Woke up. Drank Coffee. Got ready for work. Got in my car.  Smoked in my car. Drove to work.Checked my emails. --> SURPRISE :o)

I should have more days like this one. And September did not fail me once more. Oh how September will always be a month of wonderful surprises.

and as the month officially ends, I can't wait to write about my adventures.

Yup I need more days like this one; days when I can see rainbows and living life with rose stained glasses isn't such a bad thing.

-- Good things happen to those who work hard indeed --

but since I'm wrapping up work early today to head off and join my friends at Ateneo for the Celebratory BONFIRE @ Belfield, I shall wait until tomorrow to flood you all with tidbits and what nots.

For now... See you all @ the BONFIRE.. I'll be the one in Blue

As I drove to work early this morning I was not at ease knowing that San Miguel Avenue is blocked off - meaning unbearable TRAFFIC near my workspace.

Tonight I can hear the sound blazing. As you all know my office is just behind San Miguel and across Shangri-la. It is usually a breeze going back and fort from Katipunan. But tonight a spectacle if you may.

It's only September and San Miguel, who happens to be celebrating its 25th anniversary this year *i think* decided to battle and break a World Guiness Record -- Longest Bar and longest toast. The Bar itself is expansive; almost engorging in enormity. I wish them goodluck! in breaking the record.

Its not yet OCTOBER so I don't really see the need to celebrate Oktoberfest yet. What I'm actually looking forward to is GAME NIGHT at Paul's Place.

Arhkam Horror Night *grin* I am soooo loving this board game :o) and the LABAPA (La Union, Baguio, Pampanga) getaway next weekend; a much deserved break I'll have after our TC03 activity next week that will leave me sleepless for 48 hours.

damdedumdedum... this is just me ranting and running out of an object to talk about. My obsessions are shifting to something more tangent and concrete. I can no longer hold my brain together trying to figure things out. I stew in it for a while.

to make this entry meaningful....

Malayo ka man sa amin... we hope you'll have a HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Blow out daw pagbalik mo ng Singapore :o) Seriously, I wish you the best and all the happiness in this world. Thanks for being extraordinary and most of all for being YOU. Since its your bday I'm trying to be nice... but as you can see... I don't have a lot to say when I'm nice ehehe. Happy Birthday ulit DUDE!!!! enjoy Singah!

PIS&LAV
*wink*


On my way to work I heard one of my fave old school song. The type that Bryan used to play for me waaay back in highschool...

I leave with this song in mind...

I can wait forever
AIR SUPPLY

When you say, I miss the things you do
I just want to get back close again to you
But for now, your voice is near enough
How I miss you and I miss your love
And though, all the days that pass me by so slow
All the emptiness inside me flows
All around and theres no way out
Im just thinking so much of you
There was never any doubt

Chorus
I can wait forever
If you say youll be there too
I can wait forever if you will
I know its worth it all, to spend my life alone with you

When it looked as though my life was wrong
You took my love and gave it somewhere to belong
I'll be here, when hope is out of sight
I just wish that I were next to you tonight
And though, Ill be reaching for you even though
Youll be somewhere else, my love will go
Like a bird on its way back home
I could never let you go
And I just want you to know

Chorus
I can wait forever
If you say youll be there too
I can wait forever if you will
I know its worth it all, to spend my life alone with you

to my stranger... its weird having this feeling that we are no longer friends. its weird how you dodge every syllable. i don't know but its a way out for me. but like what i told you last monday, i like talking to you... its like i don't have to explain myself, make you understand or justify my words to you. this still holds true.. but what i failed to tell you was... Its because I know after every conversation -- you are gone but a shadowy instance... but i can wait forever if you say you'll be there too...

 

Going Insane in the Membrane and hooked to:

1.) Board Games !!! salamats kay Arnie for his very creative and expensive board games! :o)
2.) Twilight series -- oh the thrill and kilig of Bella and Edwards love affair... * I Miss*
3.) Yellow Cab Chicken BBQ Pizza *yum*
4.) Transports! ahahaha no kidding! :P nde ata nacomplete araw ko without transports by my side. He pisses me off, frustrates me and aggrevates me. But at the end of the day I have to verify and to validate its existence in Asia. *gotta love work*
5.) Kisses and Hugs ni....   
6.) Frozen magaritas *amen*
7.) SLEEP!!!!

I seriously need to get back into my writing. Its been a year since I have not wrote anything worth publishing. *Sigh*

****
how you interpret this next section is up to you:
artist: Aqualung lyrics
title: Easier To Lie
album: Strange And Beautiful

I've been out of commission lately, Lots of issues and mind blowing challenges at work to keep me oblivious to the actual state of things.

Here I am contemplating yet another Friday night.  If whether I should head off to Metrowalk and follow and all boys inuman with my office mates.
...
Mr. Nice Guy is nice. Last weekend I went around the metro with him as he ran his errands. Let me be completely vague here. But had to end the night early due to my state of NO SLEEP; having gone home dosed with frozen margaritas and beers around 430 am last Friday with Martin.

And tomorrow I know I have to wake up early to get ready for lunch and gift shopping with Mr. Nice Guy before we proceed to a birthday dinner with his friends.

YES... 3rd date and its meet the kada time ;)

I find myself wondering what is left still. Mr. Nice Guy is Nice. But a question asked by Jet o lingers in my mind --"Inaatok ka ba talaga or bored ka lang kaya ka umuwi ng maaga?"

I find myself questioning why I need another escape mechanism "Raymond's and Jomz Bday Bash at Makati" tomorrow night as well.

Am I actually thinking that I would have to excuse myself again tomorrow? Is my Run away, steer clear I can do this alone NO TO LOVE for Now gene is acting up? Or maybe it is because it’s too normal...

One night while driving home this week I told Bevy that I'm getting scared Mr. Nice Guy is an inch away from Friend Zone status. And when asked Why? My answer was easy and dismissive - There were no sparks.

Yup no butterflies. The kind that I feel when I know. I just know I want you and want to be with you forever moments. The kind I felt way back in my youth.

Or Maybe Martin is right... We are just getting OLD. And the older we get we change the way we see and react to things. But I'm not that old yet but I do feel myself changing the way I see things -- my priorities, my wants, my need and my patience with life.

When I was young I can't wait for life to unfold. Now I can't wait for it to be a steady mixture of masochistic   highs and blissfully blissful lows; a beautiful disaster if you may. In the near future I can't to wait to settle.

Do I make sense? I guess not. But for now, one thing is certain -- maybe it’s time to go back to things I love and make me happy despite the twisted comedy they might bring. For one day I'll wake up and maybe just maybe I'll end up settling for a Mr. nice guy - the kind that does not get into your nerves, not the crazy habit you can't seem to erase or the blissfully soulful happiness I want to feel when I'm in love.

***

If A Man Wants You by Salma Rumann
(Stolen from Tin’s Blog)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends."
A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is YOU.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.
Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

All men are not dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new

relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you.

A relationship consists of two whole individuals.

Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun; even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him—he takes it for granted.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

***

I think i need some serious alone time.