Housekeeping

So, some people I know convinced me to sign up for Twitter. I'm still getting used to it. I promised I would complain at some point that the 140-character limit is too short. So here you go: the 140-character limit is too short! For someone who likes complete sentences and still refuses to text-message, it's annoying. But what are you gonna do?

Whoa

It's just a little bit weird when you see a guy you once made out with many, many years ago get interviewed on The Daily Show.

Evidence of voter fraud in my precinct

Perhaps an even greater mystery than how a cat was allowed to vote is why my webcam is now taking pictures in mirror image.

Incidentally, it's really hard to get a cat to sit still with a sticker on its head. He's kind of pissed at me now, but I'm sure he'll get over it, what with his tiny brain and my position as the provider of food (the only thing that really matters at the end of the day).

JESUS FUCK ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMNED FIRES ALREADY

So of course it would have to come to pass that right after I finally decide to go ahead and buy a place here in California, we start up with the apocalyptic firestorms again.

*****

(*telephone rings*)

Me: Hello?

Friend: Hi! Are you okay?

(For a brief moment, I was confused, trying to figure out how she knew that only minutes before, I'd tripped in the dark after walking in the door, and fell with all my weight onto the handle of my rolling backpack. My current non-expert opinion is that I'm certain I broke at least one rib.)

Me: Yes...why?

Friend: The fire!

Me: Oh yeah, I heard about that, but it's way up in the valley, isn't it?

Friend: No, I heard there was one in your neighborhood!

Me: (WHAT?!?!) Um, what?

Friend: I was driving, and they said on the radio there was a wildfire in your neighborhood!

Me: Huh. That's strange, because I just went to the supermarket and didn't smell anything in the air.

Friend: Oh, that's good. I heard they were evacuating people. Glad you're okay.

*****

And then I checked online, and sure enough there was a 100-acre wildfire in a canyon about a mile from my apartment, which they thankfully got under control before I even knew it had happened. But seriously, enough with the fucking fires already. I'm really tired of this shit.

I suppose this was inevitable

When you spend every match constantly picking the wedge out of your ass, you're bound to injure it:

Nadal said after the match he nearly didn't play because an MRI scan Saturday showed a strained buttock muscle.

New York Magazine is trying to kill me

I don't usually post stuff like this, but I'm sorry, I am powerless.

You don't loan your chainsaw

Words of wisdom:

He said the lender of the chainsaw wants to remain anonymous. "It's one of those things he did that he and I agreed, years later, you don't do," Banks said. "You don't loan your chainsaw."

Honestly, though, I think the greatest mystery in this whole Clark Rockefeller story is not who he really is (probably the German exchange student) or whether he killed those people in California (obviously he did, regardless of whether they can ever actually prove it), but how on earth he fooled a senior partner at McKinsey, a woman with degrees from Stanford and Harvard, into marrying him. It took her more than 12 years to figure out he was maybe not who he said he was! I mean, it's one thing to maybe not realize someone is a con artist if you're just an acquaintance, but she was married to the guy. That's pretty amazing.

Fools and their money

As if the mere existence of the social networking phenomenon weren't bad enough, apparently, people now pay actual money for graphic "gifts" they can send each other:

Joni Gleason of Haverhill spends about $100 a year on gifts for her pet-loving friends. But the gifts can't be held or wrapped. They can't even be seen unless her friends are online.

As a member of Dogster.com, Gleason, 62, sends fellow dog owners virtual candles and angel wings when their pets get sick or die. When Gleason feels playful, she sends virtual squirrels or, one of Dogster's newer gift options, a can of Spam.

Thanks to people like Gleason, social-networking websites, most of which are free to join, are estimated to be making millions of dollars a year from virtual gifts, small icons that can be purchased and sent between members.

The 750,000 members of Dogster.com and Catster.com can buy gifts for 25 cents to $5. Most gifts cost $1 on Facebook.com, which has more than 80 million active members who use the site to create profiles of themselves, communicate with friends, and post messages about their lives. Since Facebook launched the gift option in February 2007, more than 27 million gifts have been given. On Dogster and Catster, members bought 1.5 million gifts in past 12 months.

Seriously, if I didn't know better, I'd think this was an article from the Onion.

This doesn't seem to fit the prevailing narrative

Ten bucks says the person who made this threat is a regular commenter at Deadspin and KSK.

Spike Lee is confused

This is the outfit he wore to Game 4 of the NBA Finals:


Wrong sport? Check. Wrong city? Check. Although he is wearing the visitor's uniform, so at least he sort of got that part right, which is nice.

Anyway, I'm hardly much of an NBA fan, but that game was pretty awesome.

Wild, wild life

We found this little guy crawling around in my parents' yard today.


He's cute, but, despite what the wingnuts will tell you, probably not marriage material.

An observation from Tuesday night's Red Sox game

Balfour is a really unfortunate last name for a pitcher.

Sometimes an ugly scarf is just an ugly scarf

You know, I hate Rachael Ray as much as anyone not named Dweeze, but apparently the right wing assholes (I know, redundant) are forcing me to defend her. I mean, sure, she regularly terrorizes our aesthetic sensibilities, and I know there are a lot of stupid people in this country, but I really doubt anyone's going to mistake her for a terrorist sympathizer. For fuck's sake.

Some things I noticed

I lived in Massachusetts when gay marriage was legalized there. Now I live in California, which, as you likely know, just legalized gay marriage. Clearly this is no coincidence.

Today I am officially announcing that I will, for an appropriate fee, move to your state of choice for the requisite amount of time to legalize gay marriage in that state. I cannot tell you how I do it. All I know is that my methods work.

*****

So you know how I mentioned that girl at my gym who thinks she's Paris Hilton? Holy shit, she has outdone herself.

Normally, it's just about how she looks. She's got the bleach-blonde hair and usually dresses in tight, all-pink clothing, usually short shorts with a word across the ass. She also wears giant sunglasses, lots of jewelry, and sometimes a baseball cap. While working out. Indoors.

Well, my parents were visiting this past weekend, and they went out for a walk around the apartment complex. When they got back, they couldn't wait to tell me about how they'd wandered into the gym, and there was a girl there with two little purse dogs in a stroller. Dogs. IN A STROLLER. That she parked next the treadmill while working out. Yeah. I asked my parents if she looked like a poor man's Paris Hilton, and they said, why yes, she did! I was sure it was the same girl.

And today, I confirmed it - she was there, with the dogs, in the stroller, at the gym. Oh, and did I mention the stroller was hot pink?

Seriously, who does that? Who puts dogs IN A STROLLER? And brings them TO THE GYM?? I mean, I know people in Southern California can be kind of ridiculous, but this on a whole other level.

Shocking revelation from Patriots video scandal

Men like to look at scantily-clad women:

In addition to signals shown on the tape of the Chargers game, the video shot by the Patriots also includes up-close shots of San Diego Charger cheerleaders.

If Roger Goodell were to penalize the Patriots cheerleaders for stealing routines, maybe even suspend them, it wouldn't be a tragedy. I'm just saying.