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Somewhere between raising Hell and Amazing Grace

[sticky post]Why I walk
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http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2014/SeattleEvent2015?px=1801201&pg=personal&fr_id=1936

I hate cancer. So very much, I hate cancer.

I knew I would join the Susan G. Komen as a walker when I started crying every time their radio add came on. I didn't know if I could do it, but I knew I had to try. The anger had hit critical point.

I lost my cousin Judy before I could understand what cancer was. The most gracious and kind woman outside of my mother had to leave 3 children. She worked at the church I now attend. Judy was.. amazing. And cancer stole her.

I lost the most beautiful patient I ever had. I was given kudos from co-workers for coming in on a night off, keeping her comfortable as she passed. We still lost. We lost Susie.

I lost Larissa, my fencing buddy. I lost a kick ass woman warrior. She had to leave 2 boys about the same age as my boys are now. I walked for her back in 2008. She died 2 weeks before I walked. I cried my eyes out at opening ceremonies, and still cry seeing the "Friend" flag.

Eva, Donnea, Jackie, Shawnda,Patricia, Dianna... the list of survivors grows. Survivors lost time with their families, lived in fear, lost so much...

I walk for my 17 year old self crying in pain, fear and shame as the biopsy was taken from my breast. For the dismissal from a doctor who ignored me saying,"The lump is here." A strangers hands on me where only my first lover had been.

I walk for my 24 year old self fighting to get a mammogram.

I walk for my 40 year old self crying in pain and fear as the biopsy was taken, and a marker left in the place.

I walk to end cancer. I walk to end fear. I walk to end shame. I walk to end loss.

I walk.

Let's celebrate! My blog is 21 years old
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Wow, stereotypical for once...
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Sigh. This seems to be turning into my, "My mental health, she aint right" blog.

My Fitbit shows me I walked 168 steps on Saturday and 333 steps on Sunday. I meant to go to Boars Hunt. My count *should* have been near 20,000 both days. I went to bed Thursday night, happy that I had all day to pack and get to the event.

I couldn't make myself care. Pete offered to load the car. I didn't have the energy to tell him what needed to be loaded.

I was so excited about this. I was going to share a hotel with Natasha! John was a co-autocrat, and had made Wyewood Brown! I was going to fight and shoot and have a great time.

Pete commented my allergies had got to me.

No. The depression won last weekend. I walked enough to pee and refill my water. I read a bit, but mostly, I slept. I told my boys we'd go to noon mass Sunday. We didn't go. I've never been the can't get out of bed depressed person, but I was horrified to find last weekend that's just what I was.

I am trying so hard not be beat myself up for disappointing people. I am trying not to beat myself up for letting myself down.

This has been a good week. I have plans this weekend. I have hopes.

The beginning of the end
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Robert Trinitie TCh‎
to
Barony of Wyewood
April 10 at 5:36pm ·

Greetings to the populace of Wyewood.

While her excellency and I attended Baroness War this
weekend we had the opportunity to meet with the
crown about our recent Baronial polling.

During the consultation, we all agreed with the
opinion of the crown that there was insufficient
support from the populace for Gabri and I to
continue with another term.

So, in the near future, the kingdom will be contacting
our seneschal and her deputy, to start the likely
months long process to select a new set of Baronial
Candidates. Gabri and I will continue to serve as your
coronets until this process is completed. No one has
any idea how long this process will take. But we
can make estimates using the the experiences of other
baronies to gauge from.

Now is the time for members of our populace to
consider who they would like to be the second Baron
and Baroness of our Wonderful Barony. Think
seriously if any of you would like to volunteer for
the position.

We are both grateful for the opportunity to serve the
populace of Wyewood and the Crown. We have been
honored by the support and friendship of the populace.
I has been a fun ride and we've enjoyed every minute.

We will say now that neither of us are going anywhere.
We will still be around the Barony. We will just be
serving in another way.

In Service to the Crown, Wyewood and the dream.

Robert (de la) Trinitie (the chickenhearted
Baron

Gabrielle Lepinay.
Baroness

Explaining the suicidal
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This is so hard to write. I will begin by saying I have no intention of committing suicide.

I intend to live. I intend to be wife to Pete until *natural* death do us part. I want to live to see my grand-nephew Grant grow up. I intend to live long enough for my boys to make me Grandama Heather.

Something in my brain does not agree. Something wrong in my brain wants me to die.

I don't want to make this a heroic or romanticized thing. Some thing is wrong with my brain, and has been all of my life.

"Do you have a plan?" You bet I do. I remember drawing my first plan when I was around 3. I remember thinking as I drew the diagram my parents might be upset, but comforted myself in knowing they still had my sisters and brother- the better, brighter, easier to care for children. They would soon realize how much better off they were. The plan evolved into 3 failures in middle school and high school, and then there was the random act off swallowing a whole bottle of Tylenol before the friend apologized.

I've been a nurse for 20+ years. My plan will not fail. And I have no intention of using it.

I have depression. I have written about this before. I have medication now, at the insistence of a really good doctor.

The medication does not make the voice go away. It makes it manageable.

I love people. I love life. I love my family beyond what I can express in words.

I had an eating disorder in high school. I cognitively knew I had anorexic-bulimia. I knew what I saw in the mirror would never be thin enough. My goal was to die. I still saw a fat girl. I still do.

I took up smoking. I used to joke it was the only legal form of suicide left. I quit only because lung and bladder cancer and COPD take too long.

I am alive because I know intellectually my death would devastate my family and friends. I am alive because I see suicide as a selfish act. I am alive because I made that choice every day that I can remember.

Intellectually, I am amazing. I am actually pretty arrogant about how great a nurse I am. Intellectually, I know I am an above average mom. Emotionally, I am worse than nothing. I am a waste of resources. Everyone would realize so quickly how much better life is without me.

Except... The intellect actually overcomes the emotion on this one. My boys would never forgive or understand.

Every single damn day I think of suicide. Every day I have to choose against it. I choose ... you. I choose to make it about people I love. I choose to make it about life and love and laughter. I choose to make it about my friends and family who I can see the honor, love, intellect, humor, value, worth, and lovableness my brain refuses to see in me.

Inspiration and Intimidation
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For years in the SCA, and often in my professional life, I've scared people. It was clearer in the SCA, because people are more willing to joke or talk about how fearsome I am.

For years, I've been at a loss to figure out WHY. I'm not exactly big- 5 foot 6.5, 160 pounds is not a package of scary. And I started the SCA half an inch taller and 35 pounds lighter. I've asked many people what makes me frightening or intimidating. I've gotten many answers, but none really satisfied the curiosity.

Then people started calling me inspirational. Excuse me? Small town hick, and they damn skippy didn't think much of me there. I am just me. I am simple. I am an average wife, mom, and nurse with a very involved hobby and recreation life. Again, I started asking WHY people see that in me.

An answer of sorts came across my mind last night. I have to say, I don't like it much. I don't like it, but I'm having trouble finding fault in it.

This weekend in the wee hours of the morning, someone commented on a heated discussion we were having, "Well, it's obvious you're passionate about this."

Boom.

I am passionate about what I believe.

I am sincere. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.

I really don't care if you like me or not. I have no fear of you disagreeing with me. I have no fear of you not accepting my compliment or praise. I am doing my part by stating the truth. Your acceptance of this is not in my job description.

I care about people. Really truly care about their happiness. I really want to know them as individuals. I really do give a flying hamster about people and the world they live in. If I like you, I tell you I like you. I tell you why I like you. If I love you, I tell you I love you. I thank you for doing nice things. I praise you for things I see as amazing. You acceptance of my love is again, not anything I have control over. I take control of what I can.

It struck me this can be both terrifying and inspiring. Fearless, passionate truth.

The reason I don't like this theory is that it forced me to concede that these are not common traits. In my mind, everyone is passionate, sincere, honorable, honest, and caring.

I hate that I stand out for being and doing those things because to me this should be standard human being in all of our infinite potential and great power.

I think another little piece has fallen out of my cracked rose colored glasses.

Endurance Event Volunteer Nursing
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Longest teaching article I've written in a long time...

Endurance Event Nursing

Endurance event nursing can be very varied depending on the event, but does have many similar aspects apart from many other nursing opportunities.
Focused- Instead of holistic care of a person, there is the focus to get from Point A to Point B alive and in the best possible condition. Most training and work in nursing is very encompassing- the entire person, health history, family, finances, resources available- with the goal of long term health and wellness. The patients you may help are also much focused- walk the 5k, 60 miles, or win the tournament. They are committed to this goal, sometimes with great emotional or financial stake. They (mostly) have spent hours of training, getting equipment, possibly fundraising with a single goal in mind- to finish the event. They may be walking for a friend or family fighting a disease, or someone who is lost to them. No one wants to be in that first aid tent, and it can be very crushing. You have a common goal: for them to finish the event. When finishing the event is not a safe option anymore, challenges arise. It may be providing emotional support; it may be having to put a foot down on someone who wants to keep going. For the most part however, it is adults who are participating, and the choice to stop or continue is ultimately up them.

Knowledge of your patient- usually very limited, bare bones. There is no hand off report on the 10 to 800 people in your care. The type of event will give you an idea of the population you may be treating and the type of injury or medical problem you might face. Athletic tournaments- karate, medieval reenactment fighting, and wrestling- are usually with very well conditioned athletes. Same can be said for marathon or speed running. Fun Runs and charity walks have a spectrum of ages, degrees of general health, and extent of pre-training. With any event, there is also the audience or supporters who may end up in your care.
Resources- usually very limited. This reflects back to focus. If it is not possible to get them back to walking or running the route, or back to competition, they need to move to a different level of care. The amount of resources you many have will depend on the duration of the event, the organization hosting, and expected type of injury. Sometimes volunteers are expected to provide the medical supplies as part of their volunteer service.

Documentation and communication-. Largely, you will work closely with people who are not licensed health care workers. Fun Runs generally do not have any paperwork. Organized walks, runs or athletic competitions within an established group generally do have paperwork. The paperwork in this group is a lot less CYA and a lot more giving the group a clear picture of what risk there are with an activity, and how to lessen them in the future, or focus the limited supplies to what is needed to treat that. Do not use medical terms or abbreviations.

Liability- Huge variation again, but always something you have to look at. If you are only providing First Aid, there is very little potential liability. Do they have insurance covering first aid providers? Is there an overseeing MD or NP with their license on the line? What are the limitations of the care you are allowed to provide onsite, if any? Good Sam Laws only go so far in protecting licensed professionals like RNs. You can win a civil suit and still lose your license if the nursing board of your state determines you did not provide the equivalent care to the standard of your community. This does not mean you are committed to provide that care; it means you must have acknowledged that the need for care exceeded the resources and scope of the event and recommended continuing care.

Depending on the type of event, it will change the resources possible, and the focus of the expectation of needed care, and the population expected. I have not had the opportunity as yet to volunteer for a marathon, but I would like to give some thoughts on the variations between the types of volunteer First Aid care I have been able to give as a volunteer nurse.

Fun Runs
Focus- Fundraising. Usually very low impact, low risk. There may be a section for speed competition, but this is generally populated by much trained runners who train for small events heavily. Most common injuries are from falls- bruises, scrapes and sprains. These are not common, and your usual role is to be eyes on the route to call in a bigger problem and generally cheer, give encouragement and give warning about route hazards. Experienced event organizers will put RN’s as the highest risk areas for falls- slopes and hills. For the most part, get out your pom-poms, cheer like mad, yell to slow down on the hill when it just rained, enjoy the day, and get your volunteer t-shirt.

Knowledge of patient- Total random. Babes in arms to grandma carrying them. Again, it tends to be short, so falls are your biggest worry.

Resources- Very usually none. I suggest carrying a few band aids for road rash on a slip and trip. Over a 5k you might get a radio (Important tip- make sure the batteries are good, and you know how to use that model and it’s on the right channel). Generally, there are no radios, and rely on yell. Know your distance to call for help. “3rd Kilometer on grassy slope- elderly female down” is much more helpful than some where mid-route someone fell.

Documentation- None, unless the freakish happens and you're calling in EMTs. You may be asked to write what you saw, where it happened and why, and what was done.

Liability- Tiny. Low risk event with no expectation of medical event.

Prolonged Event Endurance (Susan G. Koman 3Day)
Focus- Fundraising and awareness. Population varies enormously. The most common injuries are blisters and heat injuries. At this writing I am chagrined to realize I do not have the link to an amazing blister care tutorial written by Dr. Jennifer. If you would like this, please contact me personally at heather@lazzaretti.org, and will forward the link when I get it from a former crew member. I am providing a hand out on heat injury. Following this- diabetic control issues, electrolyte imbalance, exacerbation of COPD or existing cardiac disease, hypothermia, and… viral infections from URI to GI.

Knowledge of patient- Much more random then might be expected. Anywhere from young athletes who train 5 days a week to pregnant women, elderly men and women, people who went on one training walk for 2 miles 4 months before, cancer patients still in treatment, walkers in walking boots, walkers pushing another “walker” in a wheelchair. Full bodied and amputees (loved the guy in the Blister Care area who told me he couldn’t feel his right foot with a straight face. His prosthetic leg was on the ground beside him.) But… every person you treat generally had a very personal reason to be there. Every single one had to raise $2300 just to walk. The emotional investment is already there and reinforced by a very emotional opening ceremony, cheering stations, media blitz leading up to the event, feelings of obligation to donors… it is very highly emotionally charged.

Resources- Provided and good. Van crews pick up walkers as needed with learned signals. Volunteer nurses have needles to lance blisters, massage tables or cots to put patients on (though in a rush, you treat kneeling on grass with your patient), gauze, bacitracin, moleskin, benzoin spray, hydrogel pads, tape, IV start kits and fluid (hung by bungy cords in the tent). IV’s are only provided at lunch and main camp. Emergency meds and AEDS are also only at lunch stop and main camp. Overseen by MD, but event coverage is on a doctor or nurse practitioner willing to let a group of volunteers work under their license. Individual malpractice insurance is recommended but not required.

Documenation- Very specific event paperwork. CNA’s and techs are assigned to be clerks for paperwork.

Liability- Larger risk with a higher risk group, but generally have some protection under the sponsoring provider’s license and the waivers signed by participants. Also, there are very specific protocols and procedures, and it is possible to stop a walker from continuing by pulling their credentials, and “red carding” them requiring the practitioner re-evaluation to get their certs back. They cannot continue on the route until they can check in with their valid card.

Competitive Sport Endurance (Medieval re-enactment fighter)
Focus- For the participant, winning a war or tourney, usually for a highly emotional reason- personal pride, inspiration of a Lord or Lady, for a household, group, barony or kingdom. Focus for the caregiver- keep them on the field having a good time without injury to self or others. Hugely, non-combat participants are in needs of First Aid services. The challenge is to keep the focus on event specific care as much as possible. Most common injury by far is heat injury both in participant and spectator. Participants tend to be conditioned by training, but there are exceptions to every rule. Following heat injury and dehydration, most commonly seen are abrasions, “armor bites”, contusions, and muscle strain and sprain. Rarely there is a broken bone. With a wide spectrum of spectator, the age range is infant to geriatric. There is call to treat hypoglycemia, migraines, and cardiac symptoms. Most of the latter fall under referral to care outside of the event. The other patient seen at these events is alcohol poisoning.

Resources- No First Aid supplies are given out. Volunteers provide their own kits. There is support staff in the Waterbearers who provide water, sports drinks, pickles, orange slices and pretzels. Additionally, the fighting field safety is monitored by “marshalls”. In a case an individual wishes to continue to compete against your best medical advice, you may appeal to them to deny entry back into the field.

Documentation- Variable by organization. In the Society for Creative Anchron (SCA) - incident report, event report, regional report, which is compiled by the poor unfortunate soul known as the Kingdom Chirurgeon reporting deputy for the Kingdom Chirugeon for Kingdom Curia report and report to the overall group entity, the Society. Yes, this is so much gibberish. So was H&P not too long ago.

Liability- Dependent on the insurance rider of the group. Most groups, as the one I am familiar with, the SCA, limits liability by providing a scope of care limited to First Aid. Once you have stepped beyond the scope provided by the charter, you are on your own risk and liability.

General thoughts:
1. Be flexible. Where you want to be may not be where the greatest need is.
2. Don’t be know-it-all out of the gate. Learn the standards and expectations of the group and organization before you tell them what they’re doing wrong.
3. Be kind. Events are staffed by volunteers that come in three varieties- worth their weight in gold, worth what you paid, and owe you a refund on investment. Regardless, thye are there out of the kindness and good will of their hearts. Give some grace.

A mom by any other name...
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Mom hood..

Because as far as my limited vision and experience shows, motherhood is universal. We will kill for, die for, sacrifice everything for that tiny human. We struggle, we cry, we support...

But Momhood... now...

Breast or bottle fed. Stay at home or working. Interactive or hands-off. Disciplinarian or No-Scream parenting.

You know what two people we seem to leave out of these rants and arguments?

The mom and the child.

No, I do NOT discount fathers. I am blessed with a husband who bathed, showered, does scouts with, mentors, plays and disciplines his boys.

I will not and cannot discount the hugely biological, spiritual, chemical bond of mother and child. It is that dynamic that does not depend just on that dynamic, but the entirely of facets that surrounds them. The parents the mom had, the finances of the family, the situation the family is in now...

Momhood is an ethical, biological, moral, religious, intellectual, and situational decision.

What worked best for me was to go back to work. I had a calling to return to as well as a career. It was the best financial decision for the family. It was what worked for us.

I have not been able to go to Mothers and Others because I work. I got to meet the most amazing moms, most of who were blessed to stay at home. These are hard working moms I honor: It was just not my path.

A new mom called me this week, crying. Going back to work did NOT work for her. Her entire gut feeling said she needed to be by that baby. I talked her through some of the tears, thinking she'd be like me, and the next day would be better.

It wasn't. For me, going back to work was like slipping into a bath once I'd set up trusted child care.

It is not like this for other moms.

I wasn't wrong. She wasn't wrong.

Our momhood doesn't look the same, but we're still Mom.

Learning to let go
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It seems just yesterday this coronet was put on my head by my beloved queen...

That beloved queen has been replaced 3 times. My love only grows.

Now, as Baron Robert and I work to create the Sergeantry of Wyewood, we are more than half way through our term.

I have had to say goodbye to queens I adored. I have had to say good bye to officers. I have had to release champions. My heart breaks. Each and every time, it breaks.

Because of the rule Landed Baron and Baroness must only serve 3 years a term, a maximum of two consecutive terms, my cousins are leaving. My cousins... when I stepped up, that felt far too familiar. Now...

I miss my noble sisters. I miss my hand holders. I miss you.

Now I am one of those on the baronial chair longest. My cousins, my sisters... how can I be what you were to me? How do I encourage like you?

Wall of thought
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Read more...Collapse )

2/3rd's of my husband's scrolls are still unframed.

The large one is the Wyewood Baronial charter.

This is the entry to my home.

If you think this happened by me working alone, without tons of love, sweat, tears, heart to heart talks by many...

You are nuts.

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