Runaway mom.

Meet mom A...
She takes her kids on outings all the time. She makes sure they are dressed in clean clothes every day, get 3 meals to eat, feel safe and have fun things to do. She supports them in sports, takes them hiking, to the museum, parks. She adores her children! She whips up new creations in the kitchen just to celebrate Tuesday, cleans the whole house with the kids, makes them cinnamon apples as a fun snack and reads with them. Mom A seems to have her stuff together. She even makes homemade babyfood and bakes bread every week! She often gets compliments about her children's behavior.

Meet mom B... 
She rarely has a brush ran through her hair, her kids are loud and have holes in their jeans. She has spit up on her shoulder and hasn't taken a shower in a week. She loses her patience and yells at her children many times each week. She's burnt out and has begun threatening to run away. Mom B looks like she's falling apart and hates her life. She just knows people look at her thinking, "you shouldn't have had those kids!"

This isn't another mommy wars post, it's not two different moms being pitted against each other. These descriptions are the same woman. They are ME. Both of those paragraphs can fit me at the exact same time. My poor kids have seen me turn from Mrs. Patient Hockey Mom to the Devilish child-hater within 5 minutes.

I like posting pictures to facebook almost right after I take them. I've learned if I don't take care of something right away, it may take months to do! So I snapped this picture and uploaded it to facebook:
 

But I kid you not, 2 minutes afterwards, I was yelling like I had just turned into a banshee...  We were getting ready to go somewhere and the older kids opened the door for the younger kids to start spilling out into the yard and in danger while I was nursing the baby saying, "don't open the door yet. Shut the freaking door! Get your sisters inside and shut the door! Are they inside? SHUT THE DOOOOORRRR!!!" grrrr raaarrrr 

This time, I had a neighbor come over. I didn't feel embarrassed, and I already felt guilty without her attention... but I actually felt bad for HER. lol I feel bad for her and my children for having to listen to my screaming... I have an inner voice, locked behind bars, pleading, "who is this person?! Let me out, let me hug them and tell them they're amazing and their mom is being a witch!" (That neighbor is amazing and just came over to help!)

I finally prayed and begged for help. Alas, here I am... why did it take me weeks to get on my knees and ask for help AGAIN? Why don't I turn to Heavenly Father first? I'm definitely not perfect, but this week has been a huge turnaround compared to the few weeks before. God did not take away my current issues... I had my thyroid out and it's obvious the side affect of "anxiety" of now being hyperthyroid has hit hard last month. I thought anxiety meant you just couldn't physically handle getting out of the house and facing some situations. Well, huh. Apparently I can't handle certain situations and stay myself. A certain level of noise combined with a mess and a disobedient child just turn me into a psycho. Now that I understand this is the temporary new me, I break things into pieces. If I feel like I'm going to lose it, I stop what I'm doing and get away. I don't explode anymore. There have been three instances now where I put 1-3 loads of laundry in the van with the baby and drove away (about 3 blocks to an open empty parking lot)... just so I can get laundry done in peace. This feels crazy to me, it feels like I'm trapped in someone else's body! Apparently I need to do this. If I drive away without laundry, then I'll just be coming home to more laundry... so that explains that!

Do you want to know a fun side effect of my horrible side effect? My need to just get out of a situation has lead to this alone:

And this as a family:

When I'm out in nature, I am at peace... my problems aren't gone, but God has given me resources to manage my problems. He loves me, I am his child. I don't thank him enough or ask for his help enough. Hopefully I'll get better and better. Until then, I've given myself permission to run away... alone for a couple hours or as a family. And that's okay.

What can the LDS (Mormon) church do for you today?

I don't know where you're at in your life spiritually, but that really doesn't matter. If you want to feel loved and get reassurance you're not alone, there are many things you can do to get help.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I grew up experiencing that God has orchestrated help in every aspect of our lives to be as filled with joy as possible. He wants us to seek an education, have a healthy home life and happy social life with good people.

How do Sunday meetings work?
Our Sunday meetings total 3 hours.
FIRST MEETING
Sacrament meeting where we take the bread and water (the sacrament), sing hymns and listen to a few speakers (this could be anyone ranging from a leader in the ward, a 12 year old boy or any ol' member of the ward).The first Sacrament meeting of each month is like an "open mic night" but not at night and with the focus on individuals who feel inclined to bear their testimony.
MIDDLE MEETING
The next hour is Sunday School where we learn about the gospel as all adults for an hour. Sometimes there are alternative classes for members to have the option such as, temple preparation, family history or gospel principles (covering more basic fundamentals of the gospel).
FINAL MEETING
We separate and men go to priesthood and women go to Relief Society. We learn about the gospel with a chosen topic/lesson as the basis with emphasis on how it applies to us as women or men. If you want to be around women who GET you, this is the place.
WHERE DO THE KIDS GO? 18month-18 years old, they spend time with their age group for those 2 hours also. For the final hour, young men and young women are separated also starting at age 12. The Young Women & Young Men's programs also meet outside of church once a week for an activity! If younger than 12, those children are in primary and spend time learning lessons and singing primary songs. You're welcome to go in and sit with them any time! We believe God's entire plan for our happiness has families at the center, so every member of your family is welcome to Sacrament meeting. Sometimes those babies are noisy, but usually it's their smiling glance your way that steals your heart.

Just need a friend?
Besides church, ladies in relief society are assigned sisters to visit each month. This is called visiting teaching. We spend 20 minutes just chatting with each other then giving a 5 minute lesson on the gospel. You do have to be an active member of the church to have visiting teachers. Is it like having friends assigned to you? Yep, but it's for everyone... it encourages us to break out of our comfort zone, meet new people and be sure we get that social interaction at least once a month. It may sound weird, but actually being able to talk of Christ, blessings, struggles, diapers and stress in one sitting is really therapeutic! If you aren't comfortable with your visiting teachers after a couple visits, just tell the relief society president your concerns.

Need spiritual guidance or comfort?
The benefits of the Priesthood are available to all ages and both genders. Not only do we have the visiting teaching program, we have "home teaching" as well. This is where two priesthood members of the ward are assigned to visit you each month. They will visit with you, share a short message and also be willing to help you. They are a great source to ask for a blessing. Priesthood blessings are a connection to God. I have personally experienced a blessing from a stranger who said something personal he couldn't possibly knew. I knew it was Heavenly Father giving me a hug the only way he can (while on Earth anyway). You must have faith in the priesthood power. If you aren't sure you do, pray and ask Heavenly Father for some. In the bible, we learned of a Father that asked for the faith and that was enough to have his son healed.

What are you waiting for? Search to find a meeetinghouse near you... from there, you can call the Bishop and ask for help. Type in your city, state and zip here https://www.lds.org/maps/?lang=eng&cid=HP14FAM#ll=40.871,-111.831&z=13&m=google.road&tools=help

Taping toddlers to a wall is your best bet

Without angels/the Holy Ghost, I'm sure I would only have one or two children alive at this point. 

I was doing chores downstairs with the boys and asked Stephen to go check to see if Erica (4 mos) was still sleeping and what Julia (2 yrs) was up to... The boys move way faster than me, so it's much quicker that way.
A few minutes later, he brought Erica to me with a story to tell.
Julia was just holding Erica upside down at the waist with her head touching the floor, right by my bed (where Erica was left sleeping). 
(um... holy crap!!!)
But Stephen brought her to me happy, I was so confused by that. Then he explained how he laid with her on the bed and sang the ABC's.
Lessons learned: 
*the timing for me feeling the need to check on her probably prevented a tiny Julia from attempting to carry her chunky sister away (probably dragging her head or dropping her in the process).
*Stephen is so kind to have rescued and calmed Erica so sweetly.
*Julia's butt would be pretty red if it was ME that made the discovery. (Believe what you will about spanking, when they put themselves or a sibling in danger - they earn a spanking.)

Erica is smiling, happy and healthy. Julia is safe in jail...er, crib.